Was I a victim to a BPD? Hardest break up yet

[newtothis_]

Hi guys, I just stumbled upon this site after trying to assess what happened with my ex. To date it has been THE hardest break up for me emotionally, and it's hard to shake. I'll give details about her/relationship/post break up in a bullet points fashion for ease of read.

Relationship was 9 months that ended 5 months ago.

Her background:
- 34 yrs old - married in her early 20s to a guy 10 years older
- dad was aloof/emotionally unavailable
- mom was strict/hard on her. Nothing was ever good enough for her.
- when mentioning ex bfs she 80% of the time spoke negatively about them
- sees a therapist once a week to once every two weeks
- her friends are "her family"
- very outgoing/friendly personality easily misinterpreted as flirting
- loves to take on a "challenge"
- career driven/doesn't like when she's wrong/criticized

We met off OKCupid and at first I wasn't that into her at all. My interest was probably around 40%
- she loved my "confidence" and pursued me hard, I enjoyed that, felt good.
- she seemed very caring and nurturing, didn't mind what I did for work (labor job not a "career")
- wanted me to move in 3 months into the relationship to which I declined and suggested at least a year of dating
- would tell me things like "you're everything I wanted" "you're so good to me" "we make a great team"
- offered to pay for most things since I made an hour drive to see her on weekends
- friends would object to that arrangement but she'd defend it saying it was her idea
- would tell me sex with me is amazing and how previous bfs couldn't measure up
- I was the ONLY bf to meet her father (which I found hard to swallow since she was married but she claims he only met him during the divorce so it didn't count)

Why relationship ended:
- met her co-workers at a party we hosted
- two of which were being overly flirtatious and she was acknowledging/engaging in. Next morning I expressed how it was bad behavior on her part since I just met these people and she was doing it in front of me.
- she didn't see the wrong in it and tried making a mountain out of a mole
- I didn't let it escalate into an argument but she kept wanting it to go in that direction
- she starts crying and runs off to the bathroom. Comes out and says "I didn't think you'd be here when I got out"
- confused as I didn't think we had a major blowout of any sort
- she apologies and all seemed well

Couple weeks later she mentions she saw her ex bf before me and he didn't say goodbye to her so she told him to go f*ck himself. I asked why it bothered her and she said because it was rude.

Few days later I was supposed to catch up with an old girl-friend so I mention it to her and say if it's going to be a big deal I won't go, but it shouldn't matter since she saw her ex. This is when she breaks up with me, out of the blue and says I deserve better.

I said ok, if that's what you want. Since then she's blame shifted SO hard, making everything she didn't mind about me an issue. She played the victim card like crazy saying things like "do you know how hard it is to always come second to everyone? always putting yourself first? It's hard not to feel like a loser when your own family doesn't want to see you"

I tried keeping in touch via texting because she made it seem like I didn't care about her, but she'd always drop off the conversation. Things would be light and upbeat and then boom no more responding on her part.

I've been in no contact for two months now and no initiating on her part, and apparently she jumped into another relationship with someone off Match a month after we broke up.

She did such a good job twisting things that she made me think I needed to show that I was different and that I genuinely care about her, that for once someone in her life is putting her first. So insane I hate myself to have felt victim to that.

Only break up that I couldn't just walk away completely, and it's been lingering in my mind. I keep looking back wondering what "I" did wrong because to her it was ALL my fault and how quickly the relationship ended at first few signs of conflict where things seemed so promising and easy in the beginning. I've dealt with way worse issues in previous relationships that didn't cause it to end so quick so here I am looking for insight to help me let go completely to this confusing chapter in my life.

Is this typical BDP behavior?

 

[Sonic1]

Lots of this is very familiar from a recent relationship I had. I'm not a doctor and won't even try to assess BPD. My comments are in bold.

Hi guys, I just stumbled upon this site after trying to assess what happened with my ex. To date it has been THE hardest break up for me emotionally, and it's hard to shake. I'll give details about her/relationship/post break up in a bullet points fashion for ease of read.

Relationship was 9 months that ended 5 months ago.

Her background:
- 34 yrs old - married in her early 20s to a guy 10 years older
- dad was aloof/emotionally unavailable Same with my ex
- mom was strict/hard on her. Nothing was ever good enough for her.same thing, although I'm not sure how much it affects how someone acts in her 30s?
- when mentioning ex bfs she 80% of the time spoke negatively about themYep, same thing mine did
- sees a therapist once a week to once every two weeks check, mine saw 2 different ones each week
- her friends are "her family" this one made me laugh as mine used to say the exact same thing
- very outgoing/friendly personality easily misinterpreted as flirting
- loves to take on a "challenge"
- career driven/doesn't like when she's wrong/criticized

We met off OKCupid and at first I wasn't that into her at all. My interest was probably around 40%
- she loved my "confidence" and pursued me hard, I enjoyed that, felt good.
- she seemed very caring and nurturing, didn't mind what I did for work (labor job not a "career")
- wanted me to move in 3 months into the relationship to which I declined and suggested at least a year of dating
- would tell me things like "you're everything I wanted" "you're so good to me" "we make a great team"
- offered to pay for most things since I made an hour drive to see her on weekends
- friends would object to that arrangement but she'd defend it saying it was her idea
- would tell me sex with me is amazing and how previous bfs couldn't measure up
- I was the ONLY bf to meet her father (which I found hard to swallow since she was married but she claims he only met him during the divorce so it didn't count)

Why relationship ended:
- met her co-workers at a party we hosted
- two of which were being overly flirtatious and she was acknowledging/engaging in. Next morning I expressed how it was bad behavior on her part since I just met these people and she was doing it in front of me.Good, you shouldn't accept this type of behavior
- she didn't see the wrong in it and tried making a mountain out of a mole
- I didn't let it escalate into an argument but she kept wanting it to go in that direction
- she starts crying and runs off to the bathroom. Comes out and says "I didn't think you'd be here when I got out"
- confused as I didn't think we had a major blowout of any sort
- she apologies and all seemed well

Couple weeks later she mentions she saw her ex bf before me and he didn't say goodbye to her so she told him to go f*ck himself. I asked why it bothered her and she said because it was rude. This is a big warning sign to me. Why would she be seeing her ex? Probably because she still has feelings for him. Why would someone be so emotional about someone...because they still care about them!

Few days later I was supposed to catch up with an old girl-friend so I mention it to her and say if it's going to be a big deal I won't go, but it shouldn't matter since she saw her ex. This is when she breaks up with me, out of the blue and says I deserve better. Do these women have a script?Mine said the exact same thing. Turns out she was seeing her ex behind my back. Wouldn't surprise me if yours was also. You deserve better (in my mind) means she's feeling guilty about something. Matter of fact, when my marriage ended, my ex-wife said that same thing and she was cheating too. You gave her an out when you said what you said about seeing your ex. I don't understand why you told her this, but ok, whatever. It gave her the "out" she needed. I've learned the hard with women I've been dating to trust none of what I hear and half of what I see.

I said ok, if that's what you want. Since then she's blame shifted SO hard, making everything she didn't mind about me an issue. She played the victim card like crazy saying things like "do you know how hard it is to always come second to everyone? always putting yourself first? It's hard not to feel like a loser when your own family doesn't want to see you"

I tried keeping in touch via texting because she made it seem like I didn't care about her, but she'd always drop off the conversation. Things would be light and upbeat and then boom no more responding on her part.

I've been in no contact for two months now and no initiating on her part, and apparently she jumped into another relationship with someone off Match a month after we broke up.She probably already started back up with her ex before you guys broke up. Given the fact that you had to drive an hour just to see her makes it even more likely in my mind.

She did such a good job twisting things that she made me think I needed to show that I was different and that I genuinely care about her, that for once someone in her life is putting her first. So insane I hate myself to have felt victim to that.They are very good at that. That's negative self-talk on your part. If you've done nothing wrong, stop!

Only break up that I couldn't just walk away completely, and it's been lingering in my mind. Because you cared about her and you're a good person. I keep looking back wondering what "I" did wrong because to her it was ALL my fault and how quickly the relationship ended at first few signs of conflict where things seemed so promising and easy in the beginning. I've dealt with way worse issues in previous relationships that didn't cause it to end so quick so here I am looking for insight to help me let go completely to this confusing chapter in my life.

Is this typical BDP behavior?

Again, I don't know if any of this is BDP behavior. I'm not an expert by any means but it seems like this girl had an agenda and based on what you said was also an attention seeker. Whenever a girl says to me "you deserve better", she's feeling guilty because she's either cheating, thinking about cheating, or isn't interested in you, feels guilty about it because you've invested so much time into her and she has let you and doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

I personally wouldn't date anyone where I have to drive an hour to see her. It would be different if you were already in a relationship and she moved an hour away. So the relationship ended 5 months ago and you stayed in contact for 3 months after that? Why? That serves no purpose other than to keep that wound open and make you think about what if? Keep with the NC. Even if she contacts you for some reason, why would you respond? Don't worry about what she is doing. Move on! My 2 cents, take it or leave it.

 

[logicallefty]

Hard to say if this is BPD by medical definition. On a scale of 1-10 craziness, 10 being my worst two exes, I would give your girl a good solid 5 based on the facts you articulated. You articulated a lot of typical woman BS characteristics that you would be hard pressed to find a woman who DOESN'T have said BS characteristics vs one who does. This one sounds bad eough to make me agree with Sonic1, move the he|_|_ on. IMO it is not worth my time to try to give you any ideas on how to possibly fix this. I don't think you should consider that any longer. The "you deserve better" thing is one of the most solid classic lines of "I am not interested in you anymore". Not worth your time or more importantly, anymore of your emotional energy, to try and continue it with this nut job. But she is right on one thing, you DO deserve better, so go get it brother! :rockon:

 

[Sonic1]

https://scontent-2.22773.fna.fbcdn....=bbdef61327fe4259e1e955b277089b5f&oe=55CD0422

Again, I'm not a doctor so no way to say BPD or not. One thing I will say is that crazy girl=crazy sex (usually). Not a bad thing when you put it into perspective. The trick is to not get too emotional about her so when things go south you don't find yourself flat-footed asking yourself WTF just happened (difficult to do, I know). I myself have not been able to figure this part out and no contact with time has been the only thing that helps. If it were easy, there probably wouldn't be sites like this.


I have found I have the ability to look at other peoples' relationships VERY objectively but it is difficult to maintain that perspective when you are the one who is going through it. So I know how you feel. BTW, no contact means no contact. That means no FB stalking either!

https://scontent-2.22773.fna.fbcdn....=ffafa48e957949b925c174e456483ddd&oe=55DA229C

 

[hithard]

These biatches are a dime a dozen. A new breed offshoot of bpd- the 'social media attention hor'.
Technology has now given them the ability to screw over multiple men in a third the time. They can now just stay in an endless loop.

Whats that you say ?
"What the fuk happened" Why you got screwed by a SMAH

Theres no logic in it learn and move on.

 

[sodbuster]

Lack of a father USUALLY turns women into sl^ts who NEED more attention than 1 man can give them. Definitely an AW, the therapist is also a red flag.... Date "normal" women, you will still have all the problems you'd need. She wasn't normal

 

[Billtx49]

If you ever get the feeling that you are addicted to a woman, she is most likely BPd or cluster B. If you should ever start to feel that way, RUN AWAY…

 

[newtothis_]

Thanks guys. I've been reading about bpd traits and she definitely fits some as well as a narcissistic traits. They're almost similar so hard to really decipher.

But key things I remember now after reading up on them: in the beginning she seemed super into me and appreciated all my hobbies/interests (which I remember thinking to myself "wow no other girl really praised me this much") after a while I noticed the same things she liked about me where just meh to her.

Also in the beginning I was always at a distance playfully teasing and she'd chase and chase. Didn't suspect anything as I'm generally playful like that towards women but she seemed to really like it and pursued me more as I kept her at arms length. I know this works for most women but the way she responded was definitely different.

She always came off as the "victim" when she'd speak of past relationships even friendships and family issues. The world seemed to be against her even in situations where the story she's telling clearly shows she was at fault.

Here's the best part, when we split things that never mattered to her like my average labor job, became an issue. She threw it in my face hard saying "grow the **** up and get a real job"

Now I found out she's dating a recently divorced engineer with a preteen daughter. My favorite part, he's moving in! Only 3 months into the relationship. Same time frame she wanted me to move in but told her best to wait a year.

So I guess she wasn't still into her ex but just hated how he didn't give her the attention she expected.

 

[newtothis_]

If you ever get the feeling that you are addicted to a woman, she is most likely BPd or cluster B. If you should ever start to feel that way, RUN AWAY…

This! It's like my ego wants her to want me again before I can really let go. It's kind of stupid, I know she's not ideal but she messed with my ego and it keeps me holding on like its a competition.

 

[Bible_Belt]

She's not bpd; she's just emotionally immature. People who are out of long relationships tend to be that way. They don't get any relationship practice when they are stuck in one sh!tty LTR.

BPDs are usually fvckups in life. They are not career driven. Rarely can they hold a job, especially when younger. And their backgrounds will have massive drama: sexual abuse, deaths, substance abuse, abusive exes. The traumatic abandonment in their past will be a dad figure dying or running off and leaving the family completely.

 

[newtothis_]

She's not bpd; she's just emotionally immature. People who are out of long relationships tend to be that way. They don't get any relationship practice when they are stuck in one sh!tty LTR.

BPDs are usually fvckups in life. They are not career driven. Rarely can they hold a job, especially when younger. And their backgrounds will have massive drama: sexual abuse, deaths, substance abuse, abusive exes. The traumatic abandonment in their past will be a dad figure dying or running off and leaving the family completely.

Hmm someone close to me also said she sounds emotionally immature. It's tough gauging exactly what she is. I mean our relationship started intense and ended just as quickly as it started. Like she was done at the onset of conflict (after the honeymoon phase ended)

 

[latinnova]

This! It's like my ego wants her to want me again before I can really let go. It's kind of stupid, I know she's not ideal but she messed with my ego and it keeps me holding on like its a competition.

Once you have recovered from this one emotionally, then just remember that you got past it, just as you have every other devastating event in your life. The sooner you accept that life is full of painful events, the easier it becomes to get over them. Life happens, you adapt to the new circumstances and move on. It sucks, but it happens. The quicker you adapt, the sooner you enjoy the new chapter in your life.

 

[VladPatton]

What I have noticed, is once you hear she's involved with therapists, buckle your 3point safety belt, cuz shìt's gonna get nutty. I once knew this Canadian girl that as a horn ball and a half. Sexual as fûck. One day she told me she's seeing a therapist. It was all over in about 2 weeks. I didn't even attempt to recover from the tail spin. Finito. Best thing you can do is cut all communication with her. Give her zero of your time, and you'll eventually recover.

 

[newtothis_]

Yes in retrospect I remember thinking "this might be a problem" when she mentioned lack of closeness with her family, sees a therapist, her friends are her family.

There'd be times she'd tell me about her therapy sessions and she'd say "I was mentioning our relationship and she said "wow you really like this one" whether true or not it made me feel like maybe she does care and isn't that messed up.

This is also the same girl who'd bad mouth everyone that was in her life saying they never cared about her. Low and behold I got the same speech post break up.

Is it possible for some women to be addicted to a honeymoon phase of a relationship?

 

[Bible_Belt]

Another thing about BPD - they are all in denial about having BPD, so they would never go to a therapist in the first place. The only women I've seen accept their BPD status have been in their 40s or older. Tell a 20something bpd girl that she's bpd, and she will probably scream and throw things at you.

That's not to say girls in therapy don't have other problems. But people in therapy at least admit they have a problem enough to go to therapy. That's not typical at all of bpd. Denial is one of its core traits.

 

[GS750]

Another thing about BPD - they are all in denial about having BPD, so they would never go to a therapist in the first place. The only women I've seen accept their BPD status have been in their 40s or older. Tell a 20something bpd girl that she's bpd, and she will probably scream and throw things at you.

That's not to say girls in therapy don't have other problems. But people in therapy at least admit they have a problem enough to go to therapy. That's not typical at all of bpd. Denial is one of its core traits.

That and a lot of therapists are reluctant to take them on as patients. They are notoriously difficult to deal with, stubborn, and very manipulative. It can be exhausting for the shrink to deal with them too.

 

[newtothis_]

@Bible_Belt
What do you mean by she's emotionally immature? And how does that differ from BPD?

I remember things like she'd need sex to feel loved and if we didn't have sex she wouldn't be affectionate towards me ie cuddling lovey dovey stuff. One time she was all snugly and I said "oh so all it takes is sex huh? And she replied yup"

Another instance after a hug and me telling her how caring she seemed she says "thank you I've worked a lot on loving" didn't make any sense at the time.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Emotional maturity is a generic term that can manifest itself in many ways. It basically means that you act like a junior high school kid. People who have been in long relationships tend to stagnate in regard to their relationship skills. A 20 y/o with 3-4 LTRs under his belt is going to be more mature than a recently divorced 40 y/o who has always been with one person.

Borderline personality disorder is a specific disorder with a well-defined set of traits: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder

It is often confused with Bipolar disorder: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bipolar_disorder

They are completely different, and yet not mutually exclusive. Some borderlines can also be bipolar.

 

[newtothis_]

I see well as far as I know she's been in numerous relationships, seems to constantly hop into them. So wouldn't that make her more mature in regards to your example?

 

[donking]

Don't analyze crazy. Identify it and delete them.