When I was an 18 year old virgin I used to work at this hotel/ golf resort. I didn't have many friends, poor social skills, and just shy and awkward. I made friends with these Ukrainian interns. Cool guys, way cooler than the snobby french interns.
I had a car, so I showed them around the area. They were real greatful, so they started inviting me to the villa they stayed in provided by the hotel.
They would have parties and I went to the next one. All the liquor was stolen from walmart, they liked to steal.
I was kind of a stoner, hippie wanna be type guy.
Well there was this blond hair, blue eyed girl with dread locks at the party. I think she had been eyeballing me all night. I finally noticed her eye fvcking me across the room. Now I had zero experience with this at the time, but my gut was telling me it's probably time for me to go over there.
I forced myself, through pure will power, to walk over there. I was terrified the whole time, the alcohol helped me to appear cool.
Now I don't remember what happend next. I think we talked for a bit, but honestly I'm drawing a blank.
What I do remember is I ended up getting a condomn from one of the Ukrainians, and bringing her to the room. We started going at it, but I stopped and though, I know those motherfvckers are going to barge in here just to get a peek (as$holes). So I set the condomn on the nightstand, go to lock the door, no lock, then I just pulled somthing infront of the door. When I came back to the bed, the condomn was gone (what a slvt, wants to raw dog it with a random guy.
I couldnt get it up. Then I started making progress, and guess who comes pushing the door open. Bastards...
Well I didnt get it up, and she ended up going and fvcking another dude. Hurt my ego.
It's ok, I lost my virginity later that summer, in an ltr. That sh!t ended up tanking with her cheating, and me getting dumped.
At least I never had to see the blond haired girl ever again.
Oh my last relationship, interest level was high for about 1 year and 8 months. Because of the amount of substances I was abusing (benzodiazpines, alcohol, blow, pain killers) and then withdrawling from, abusing again, I ended up becoming real depressed, emotionally weak, and slipping into depression. Ended up going to the doc to get anti depressants, and benzos (which I of course abused the benzos immediately) When I started taking the anti-depressants, I couldn't sleep for 7 days straight. I got super, duper depressed. Even alone I would be crying about stuff. I was like a helpless baby. Honestly my ex understood to an extent, it was like a bad reaction. At one point, i told her, dont let me bring you down, just be happy (we lived together. At that point she kind of didnt treat me very seriously. I got a lot better, then started drinking on the anti-depressants. That made me crazy anger >guilt >anger >guilt.
I finally drove her away a lot. So I would be really nice (not natural, normal kindness you can show to a decent gf when she behaves well) it was unconditional.
Once I felt things really slipping out of my grasp, for about the last 2 weeks before she left (which she had planned for a month) I started waking her up with a kiss, and bannana or muffin, and a glass of water. Now honestly, this girl used to do this type of stuff for me x100, for the first year and many months.
One morning she woke up to me bringing her that stuff, and said "babe you dont have to do that." "your to good to me"
This fvcked me up.
Well I kept up the doing nice sh!t for her, one day I spent two hours making her dinner when she got off work (but granted, she had done a lot for me in the past) she came home, ate, i even downloaded her fav show and fed her off my plate. She says "I'm moving out" I was pissed. I knew somthing was wrong, i had even asked her.
I immediately got alcohol, got drunk, smashed her phone, took her wallet and said what are you going to do now? Well she kind of freaked out, and ran upstairs to the neighbors to call the cops. The cops got there, I'm just an angry drunken man.
I was arguing with the cops for a while, telling them "fvck you" bla bla bla. They knew I was in the military so they kind of let that go. Ended up putting me in cuffs, she came out (a little chinese girl mind you, never used profanity) "what the fvck are you doing to him!" I said "fvck you cvnt, get your sh!t and get the fvck out." The cops were taken aback.
After that I went silent for a few days, told her she could come back anytime I would be sober, and she would see that. One day she came back, svcked my c0ck, swallowed and left. That was confusing. She was still sexually attracted to me, but I was being such a prick all rapport was gone.
After that I would call her and leave messages while I was drunk. Either begging her to talk to me, to see me, or just angry drunken rants. Once I got drunk, took like 8 mgs of lorazpam, threatened to kill myself, and she called the cops and I was put in a mental hospital, which I really did not like that. the psychologist told me she could press charges on me for causing her mental harm or something, I just gave him a fvck you look and said "Yeah, but she won't, now when will I be released" I was being a real ****y prick with the doc but still managed to get released 24 hours early, I knew she woulnt press charges on me.
Even after that, I couldn't hold no contact for sh!t. I was all sorts a fvcked up in the head drinking every day. She even left me with 2 grand in my bank account so I wasn't fvcked when she left. But I drank it all away, and up my nose also.
At one point I smashed my phone, i think I read about nc online. She bought me a new phone and sent it to my apartment.
After a couple months I was out of money and food. I begged her to get me cigs, nothing. I was hitting her up for money, nothing. Then I said, look im out of food. She showed up that night with three bags of groceries. She always looked pi$$ed when she saw me.
eventually I went back to my home state. Then she threw a little bet bait out after I said good bye, of course I pounced on that real quick.
I kept drinking daily, nightly. Begging occasionally.
Over time I texted less, stopped calling her when I would get drunk.
What I should have done was agreed when she said she was moving out, went back to my state, sobered up, and never talked to her again.
Well now I know.
That felt good to get out.
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