Very Odd Girl - help me figure this out, please!

[wannabesuave]

I started a new job about 9 months ago. I soon became infatuated with this girl (I'll call her Jessica), who I later came to realize was in fact the hot babe in the office. The first couple of times I found myself near her I was like "Well Hi - how are YOU?" - so obviously projecting interest that she was taken aback both times, giving me a bit of an odd expression and replying "I'm fine, how are you?".

I realized I was making a mistake, so I backed off big-time. I noticed that lots of guys in the office would come over to her desk and talk to her and make her laugh, and I didn't want to be another one of her "friends". No - I wanted much more - I was head-over-heels in love with this girl. So I decided to avoid her - not talk to her, approach her or even look at her. I would remain distant and mysterious and not peg myself as a "friend". I didn't want anyone else in the office to see my obvious interest in her again - I wanted to hide it. Two other reasons were that I suspected that she might have a boyfriend, and I didn't know what company policy was on employees dating, so I figured I'll conceal my interest in her, the better to possibly develop a secret 'out-of-office' relationship with her.

I basically avoided her for 6 months. During this time, she made a point of catching my eye a few times as we were passing each other in the aisle. Each time, she would stare right into my eyes with the most seductive smile, and not look away. Frankly, it was a bit embarrassing - I would always return her smile, trying to show her I was confident and liked her, but then quickly look away so others wouldn't see us looking at each other that way.

One day, she sent an email to everyone in the office "So-and-so (co-worker)just had her baby, and mother and child are both fine!" or something like that. So I replied to her "I think it's about time to give that baby a shower!". She replied with "Hee hee - you're funny!". Damn was I happy! That gave me courage.

Sometime later, I sent her another e-mail "Do you like chicha morada? I tried some last night, and it was quite delicious!" (It's a Peruvian soft-drink, and this girl is of Peruvian heritage). She replied "Yes! It's very good! Where did you find it?" Now, I didn't want to just tell her the name of the restaurant, so she could go there with someone else. I wanted to be the one to take her there! So I replied "That's a secret! " I thought she would reply with "hey, that's not fair" or SOMETHING, so I could get around to saying "well, I can't TELL you where it is, but I can TAKE you there! " or somthing like that.

Well. No response. Just nothing. So I thought "what the hell... is she mad?"

Soon after, the top boss sent an e-mail to everyone which was unintentionally embarrassing to Jessica. Sometimes when management send out an email to everyone, they ask us to respond if we're interested in doing whatever they're talking about. In this case, he had informed everyone that flu shots would be given in the office on a certain date. Jessica had replied "I'll get one" or something. But the boss sent an e-mail to everyone saying "you don't have to reply - you can accept it without replying". But he forgot to remove her trailing e-mail! So everyone could see that Jessica's email had prompted the boss's email, and his words just sounded a little harsh, and I had to laugh, but I also sympathized with her. So I tried to tease her, to make her feel better about it. I e-mailed her "Yeah Jessica jeez - can't you just accept it without replying? You don't have to reply to me either! "

Again no reply. Shortly afterward I noticed her looking at me from her desk - with a 'worried' or 'concerned' look on her face. I just looked away, trying to adopt an expression of mild disappointment. In fact, I was VERY dissappointed - I felt so misunderstood. "How could she think I'm being mean - I even put smilies at the end of each e-mail to make it very clear I was trying to be funny and playful!"

Well, she stayed angry; she wouldn't even return a hello in the hallway. Her friends behaved the same way - giving me the cold shoulder or angry looks, like I'd done something horrible. I didn't know what to do. Finally, I thought of something. I had to take a chance and find out once and for all - I had to find a way to talk to her so I could say "look, you geek - I was KIDDING! I wasn't making fun of you!"

There was a waitress at the Peruvian restaurant who seemed to like me, but I wasn't attracted to her, even though she was pretty good looking. It occured to me that I could type up a letter to Jessica in the office, and hand it to her quietly like I was just giving her something she had printed from the printer.

Here's what it said: "This can wait til after work if you're busy - I'm writing to ask you a favor. See, there's this girl I like - she's a waitress at my new favorite restaurant. I've only seen her a few times, and only spoke to her last night, when she told me she's going back to Brazil in a week and doesn't know when she's coming back here. I can't ask her out, because the timing is all wrong. But I feel I have to do something to make a big impression on her, or I'll lose my chance with her for good. Here's where you come in I thought that if she saw you having a great time with me over dinner, I would become more attractive in her eyes, and I might be able to keep in touch with her and eventually get together with her. You're the only girl I know of right now who might be able to pull this off. I know it's a lot to ask, but I wouldn't ask you if I didn't think you could have fun with it. The dinner would be on me, and the food is great, and they have chicha morada. We'd have a lot to talk about - work, of course, plus I'd like to learn a lot more about Peru. Well, just think about it. I'm expecting you to say no, but you could surprise me. Either way, it's no big deal, so don't worry about it." And I left my phone number, but not my name - I'm not sure why. I thought this was a pretty clever letter - my actual intention was to take her out to dinner, have her pretend to be interested in me, which would tend to make her feel actual interest in me, an then she'd notice the waitress also seemed to like me, and I'd have some real validation. And if she actually didn't like me, I could stick to my cover story "Hey, I wasn't asking you out - I just wanted somebody to help me with this other girl".

Well! I handed it to her, saying "this is for you" and she briefly looked up from her work to glance at it and mumble thanks. I went back to my desk and tried to hide my nervousness by looking busy. A few minutes later, I hear "JOHN?" "Yes?" "IS THIS FROM YOU???" (bewildered look on her face as she points to the page I'd just handed her). "Umm...yes?" (looking back at the page, still with bewildered look) "Oh....I didn't know.........thanks" and she stomped off to the lunch room.

****. This wasn't good. The people sitting nearby saw it go down, and Jessica no doubt went right to her friends and showed them the letter. I went out to lunch, and when I came back found her response by email "Thanks for the invite. But I don't think my fiance would be happy about it. Good luck with the girl. "

Well, that sounded acceptable - at least I'd found out, and she seemed to be being cool about it. Great! It was all I could hope for after making her so upset. I quicly replied "I'm so sorry - I didn't know you had a fiance. Thanks for wishing me luck."

But that wouldn't be the end of it. The following day I came in to the office and the atmosphere was charged. Some people were snickering, some were giving me angry looks. I kept my head down and went to my desk. It wasn't long before my manager came over and said "John, why don't you follow me?" into a conference room, where another manager joined us. "Well, we heard that you asked Jessica out..." "Yeah, I did, I must've completely misread her" "Oh, so you're aware that you're making her uncomfortable?" "I am now! I had no idea she had a fiance, and she was giving me some very strong signals of interest, along with some discouraging signals, which I though were based on her misunderstanding some emails I sent her... I feel terrible that I've upset her so much - it was the opposite of my intention!" "Well, you didn't do anything wrong - employees are allowed to date, and it woudn't normally even come to our attention, but someone (not Jessica) was concerned and thought we should know about it - don't apologize to her or anything - you didn't do anything wrong - just give her her space... say 'hi', we want to have a friendly workplace, but just give her her space". "Sure thing!"

(continued below...)

 

[wannabesuave]

(...continued from above.)
That was 3 months ago. Since then I've been avoiding her just as I did before I reached out to her, but for different reasons. It was EXTREMELY painful to go to that office every day for a month or two after that, and it's still painful, but somewhat better. The weird thing is that she's STILL sending me mixed signals! Three times now she's made a point of staring at me as we passed each other in the aisle - the first time she gave the same very seductive smile she gave me before (it seems to say "I know you want me!", but I'm not sure what else it said). The last two times she gave a different smile which I hadn't seen before - the new smile is very warm and friendly. The first time she gave that smile, I didn't look away - I kept looking all the way until we passed each other - we even turned our heads a bit as we passed each other to keep looking! That time I said a warm "Hi" just as I passed her. The second time, I had been looking off to the side smiling at some other people and only noticed Jessica when I turned forward and she was about to pass me. She was giving me that new smile - very warm and friendly, and it caught me off guard - I looked down just as she passed me saying a warm "Hi".

But another time I was coming down some stairs and she was coming up some stairs, and we met at the door to our floor, and I looked at her and gave a rather weak, infatuated "Hi" with a less-than-confident smile. I opened the door and held it for her to go through, and she gave me a disgusted look and an angry sigh (an angry little puff of air escaped her lips), and just walked through and ahead of me without saying a word! I followed her down a rather sizeable hallway that led to our office, and the whole time she wouldn't even look back at me let alone say anything - not even hi or thanks or anything. Needless to say, I didn't say anything either - I was dumbfounded.

She always seems angry or uncomfortable when we're nearby each other. I don't know what she wants. Does she want an apology? For what? For liking her? For flirting with her? I already said I was sorry and that I didn't know she had a fiance. Can't she be happy that I found her attractive and tried to ask her out? Can't she see how much pain I've been in?

Somebody please help me understand this - I've never felt like this before - my heart is just torn apart. I can't stop thinking about this and trying to figure it out - I can't just forget about her as much as I'd like to. What did she do to me? How did I get in this position? I wake up in the middle of the night and my heart is pounding strangely. I don't understand this, and I hate it, and I'm worried and I don't know who to turn to. I can't talk to anyone at the office about it, and my friends aren't too helpful either "we've never been in that office, don't know this girl, it's just too hard to say".

Why would a girl behave this way? Either she likes me or she doesn't, right? If she doesn't like me, why did she give me such strong, flirtatious mind-**** smiles so many times? And why is she so angry all this time? I can't imagine being angry because some girl I didn't give a **** about had a crush on me - I'd feel bad for her, but that's about it.

If she likes me, and wanted to cheat on her fiance with me, then why did she blow my cover and let the whole office know that I'd given her a letter asking her out? Why didn't she just call me and ask me what was going on?

I feel so stupid, so played, and SO CONFUSED. I don't think I can get beyond this without understanding what happened and why. I have to learn something from this, and I want to learn the right thing. Because I NEVER want to be in this position again. For the first time in many years, I'm actually starting to think about suicide again. I have dark fanatasies of killing myself in front of her. Stupid, I know. She doesn't deserve that, and she isn't worth killing myself over. I really don't think it'll ever come to that. But I truly am hurting, and I need some help in understanding this so I can get through it, and the sooner the better.

Please give your thoughts and/or advice - anything would be appreciated.

 

[SunnyD]

This is the craziest, stupidest story I've read in my entire life.

First of all, you know what an engagement ring looks like right?? Sending her the letter was a dumb move, you should have just asked her to her face.

I suggest you either fix things by apologizing if you made her uncomfortable..that wasn't your intent, and say you scored a date with the restaurant girl so she knows you have no interest.

She does not like you and want to cheat on her fiancee with you. She'd have accepted your invite if she did.

Maybe it's time to find a new job.

 

[Señor Fingers]

1. You made assumptions about her without getting to know her at all.

2. You were a coward, hiding behind emails and love notes.

3. The whole thing made you look like a creep, since you went out of your way to avoid her, and then BAM! she's supposed to digest the fact that you are interested out of nowhere.

4. You didn't check her marital status

5. SHE WORKS AT YOUR JOB

Never sh!t where you eat my friend. Work is not the place for you to be testing your DJ tactics. There are plenty of hotties outside your job for that.

Chalk this up as experience, get over it and move on.

If things are still tense between you, then you will have to swallow your pride and apologize for making her uncomfortable.

 

[Poonani Maker]

I've had almost the exact thing happen to me in the workplace, dude, except she gave me her number! without me asking for it! :crazy: Reported me to the boss and everything after I called her, and I didn't use her number until a week after she hugged me alone at night after work! I'm telling you, girly sweet n' innocent women have got it stacked against us in the workplace these days, especially if your bosses are all guys! Whatever they say is the god-to-honest Truth! to management, and your words mean Nothing! Needless to say, I got fired! not because of her hearsay, but because of a small infraction or technicality in my job performance i.e. No One gets fired for that unless targeted by management and I had a Big Fat target on my back after messing with this chick OUTSIDE the workplace! I think a lot of it had to do with guys being jealous of her affection for me publicly in the beginning. They wanted something that they could not yet have: Her. No telling! how many other guys have been fired since I was fired due to messing around with this Exorcist of a wh0re! I know of at least one, a marine buddy of mine - we worked alongside each other for over a year - got fired for harassment a few months after I did. He had a wife and children too. That especially made her see him as her victim - he has something to lose!! It turned her on somehow!

If I were you, man, I'd start searching for another job, because in this world today, a man can't respond to a woman's advances in the workplace unless he wants to be subject to the scrutiny of everyone else who witnesses your interplay.

 

[Thatfeel21]

the reason why shes giving you those 'smiles' is cuz she knows youre head over heels with her...shes teasing you..love notes and emails? come on man grow some balls...you overanalyzed this ENTIRELY to much to the point where youre breaking down every little thing she does..i can guarantee in her mind youre labeled as creepy..move on

 

[Dongfu]

Your story proves that the method's in the Art OF Seduction by Robert Greene really do work. I would advise you to read that book. It will help you get a clear understanding about what she is doing to you. The more "you" understand it, the less power she will have.

If she is from Peru, ask her if she knows what Ayahuasca is. You look it up online before asking her. This Peruvian medicine cures people of suicidal tendencies.

 

[wannabesuave]

Thanks to all you guys - all of your posts were very helpful. I know I F-d up big-time, and want to learn as much as I can from this experience so I can get over it and never go through this nightmare again. Your posts definitely help.

You're right - she treats me like I'm a creep, I already realized it on my own - and it hurt so much to realize that - now I'm doubting myself, thinking maybe I AM a creep, and there's nothing I can do about it?

Can I really change myself? Can I really become a suave guy that women are attracted to instead of a lonely, needy creep? This girl, and this experience have made me doubt and hate myself more than I have in a very long time.

You're right - I need to get a new job. I thought I didn't want to quit - didn't want to "run away" in defeat - instead I wanted to stay put and "rise above" this **** by coming to an understanding of what happened, destroying my infatuation with her, and maybe even getting her in the end.

I still totally don't understand what she must be thinking. Those were DEFINITELY very flirtatious, seductive smiles. Why would she do that if she wasn't interested in me? Just because she knew I was head-over-heels crazy about her? Just to **** with me? WHY? I would NEVER mess with a person's heart like that.

Why would someone be so cruel? I can't understand it. My best friend, who understands girls and relationships a lot better than I do, also suggested that she's just ****ing with me, to "put me in my place and keep me there", just like she controls all the other guys in the office. It's ****ing sick. If that's really the way it is, how did our culture become so completely f-ed up to where women have this kind of power over men, and yet we are still always the bad guys?

I don't want to believe this. I still wonder if she isn't mad because I said I was interested in another girl and wanted to use her to get that girl instead of directly asking her out. Ugh - I'm such an idiot, aren't I?

Still, why the anger? I just don't get it. Even if I were engaged to some chick, and a woman I wasn't interested in passed me a note asking me out - I wouldn't be angry at her... I would feel a little sorry for her, and that's about it. I'd try to let her down easy, smile sympathetically to her, etc. I wouldn't continue staring into her eyes and giving her lovey-dovey, sparkling warm lover's smiles - in fact, I never would have given her any such smile in the first place!

Look - I know I must seem incredibly "dumb" to you guys who've been studying this seduction stuff for a while. But my attention has always been elsewhere. In the past, I've had plenty of girls, but it always just sort of seemed to "happen", and I don't know how. Maybe this is the first time I've ever really wanted a girl for such a long time and tried to use some kind of "strategy" to win her over.

So I'm looking at this all with very fresh eyes, and it makes no sense whatsoever, because I would never treat another human being the way this girl has treated me. So I want to believe that it's not intentional, that there's just a bunch of stuff I don't understand about female psychology or whatever. I really don't want to believe that she deliberatedly ****ed with me and knew/knows exactly what she's been doing to me and how it is affecting me. Because if I really come to believe that, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Probably just get out of there faster and find another job, but....ugh. What a horribly depressing thought - that women will deliberately shred a guy's heart just because she can, just for the fun of it.

Which reminds me again - she seems angry, still, even after all this time (3 months). That suggests to me that she's affected by me, and why would she be affected if she didn't like me? It suggests that maybe she's not cruelly manipulating me and getting off on my pain and suffering. I mean - if I didn't care about a girl, how could she rattle me? I just wouldn't give a ****, you know?

Also it will take a while for me to line up a suitable job to replace this one, so I guess I'll be here for a while longer. What's the best way for me to proceed? Keep avoiding her, except when I look up and she's giving me another one of her mind-**** smiles, boring right into my soul with her sparkling eyes, in which case I'll return her smile and maybe say hi? Do I smile and look away, or smile and stare right back into her eyes until we pass each other (or until she looks away first - which has never happened yet)?

Or is there some better way to behave around her? Also, how to handle her friends? Some of them still seem to be leery or suspicious of me, and one or two of them still slip up and show that they're actually angry at me. Do I continue to make an effort to be friendly with them, or just avoid them too?

 

[Last Man Standing]

You waited six months??? Six days is too long!!! If you RE ROMANTICALLY INTEREASTED IN A GIRL you should pursue her romantically within a week of seeing her!! Women aren't stupid - they know men want them!!!

 

[PxDx]

Thanks to all you guys - all of your posts were very helpful. I know I F-d up big-time, and want to learn as much as I can from this experience so I can get over it and never go through this nightmare again. Your posts definitely help.

You're right - she treats me like I'm a creep, I already realized it on my own - and it hurt so much to realize that - now I'm doubting myself, thinking maybe I AM a creep, and there's nothing I can do about it?

Can I really change myself? Can I really become a suave guy that women are attracted to instead of a lonely, needy creep? This girl, and this experience have made me doubt and hate myself more than I have in a very long time.

You're right - I need to get a new job. I thought I didn't want to quit - didn't want to "run away" in defeat - instead I wanted to stay put and "rise above" this **** by coming to an understanding of what happened, destroying my infatuation with her, and maybe even getting her in the end.

I still totally don't understand what she must be thinking. Those were DEFINITELY very flirtatious, seductive smiles. Why would she do that if she wasn't interested in me? Just because she knew I was head-over-heels crazy about her? Just to **** with me? WHY? I would NEVER mess with a person's heart like that.

Why would someone be so cruel? I can't understand it. My best friend, who understands girls and relationships a lot better than I do, also suggested that she's just ****ing with me, to "put me in my place and keep me there", just like she controls all the other guys in the office. It's ****ing sick. If that's really the way it is, how did our culture become so completely f-ed up to where women have this kind of power over men, and yet we are still always the bad guys?

I don't want to believe this. I still wonder if she isn't mad because I said I was interested in another girl and wanted to use her to get that girl instead of directly asking her out. Ugh - I'm such an idiot, aren't I?

Still, why the anger? I just don't get it. Even if I were engaged to some chick, and a woman I wasn't interested in passed me a note asking me out - I wouldn't be angry at her... I would feel a little sorry for her, and that's about it. I'd try to let her down easy, smile sympathetically to her, etc. I wouldn't continue staring into her eyes and giving her lovey-dovey, sparkling warm lover's smiles - in fact, I never would have given her any such smile in the first place!

Look - I know I must seem incredibly "dumb" to you guys who've been studying this seduction stuff for a while. But my attention has always been elsewhere. In the past, I've had plenty of girls, but it always just sort of seemed to "happen", and I don't know how. Maybe this is the first time I've ever really wanted a girl for such a long time and tried to use some kind of "strategy" to win her over.

So I'm looking at this all with very fresh eyes, and it makes no sense whatsoever, because I would never treat another human being the way this girl has treated me. So I want to believe that it's not intentional, that there's just a bunch of stuff I don't understand about female psychology or whatever. I really don't want to believe that she deliberatedly ****ed with me and knew/knows exactly what she's been doing to me and how it is affecting me. Because if I really come to believe that, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Probably just get out of there faster and find another job, but....ugh. What a horribly depressing thought - that women will deliberately shred a guy's heart just because she can, just for the fun of it.

Which reminds me again - she seems angry, still, even after all this time (3 months). That suggests to me that she's affected by me, and why would she be affected if she didn't like me? It suggests that maybe she's not cruelly manipulating me and getting off on my pain and suffering. I mean - if I didn't care about a girl, how could she rattle me? I just wouldn't give a ****, you know?

Also it will take a while for me to line up a suitable job to replace this one, so I guess I'll be here for a while longer. What's the best way for me to proceed? Keep avoiding her, except when I look up and she's giving me another one of her mind-**** smiles, boring right into my soul with her sparkling eyes, in which case I'll return her smile and maybe say hi? Do I smile and look away, or smile and stare right back into her eyes until we pass each other (or until she looks away first - which has never happened yet)?

Or is there some better way to behave around her? Also, how to handle her friends? Some of them still seem to be leery or suspicious of me, and one or two of them still slip up and show that they're actually angry at me. Do I continue to make an effort to be friendly with them, or just avoid them too?

Read up...BOY! It's time to become a MAN!!!

http://www.jbspencer.com/djb/

 

[pr3d3]

my advice is : read pook's book and you'll understand a lot of things .
The thing that screwed you over from the begining is that SHE was the only woman you wore thinking about , so u had the feeling you wore head over heels for her , from now on try to have at least 2 girls that you like , if with one of them you can't hook up , you have the other .

 

[spax]

You are a crazy creep.