Uncomfortable Situation with the G/F of a Friend

[STR8UP]

I've been out of town on business the past couple of weeks, and on my last stop I stayed a couple of nights with a guy I know through my business.

We went out one night when I was there, and the chick he is seeing came over to his place to join us. This dude is a bit on the geeky side, so when he told me he was bringing his new chick I expected a 2 ton heifer. Turned out she wasn't insanely hot but she wasn't as big house either, and she actually had a great personality.

When she got to his house she came in and we talked for awhile. We started talking about traveling, since she knew I just got back from a week overseas. As soon as I started talking about one of my trips to Europe where I stopped in Amsterdam, her eyes lit up and she got really excited, I suppose due the fact that she wants to visit there to partake of one of her "hobbies".

Anyway, we head out, and in the car she kept asking all kinds of questions about me. We arrive at our destination and start talking about music, and at this point things get a bit uncomfortable.

We are talking about the kinds of music we both like, and it seems that we have a lot in common. I'm thinking "Okay, this chick is pretty cool. Dude found a decent one".

By now she has turned all of her attention toward me, basically turning her back on her man. He was talking to two other girls in the group, but I could see him looking back over at her from time to time.

We leave the pub and get in the car. She is sitting in the front seat with him, but turning around to talk to me. She says something about staying up late, asks me if I'm a night owl. I told her I was, and she exclaims loudly, "I LOVE night owls!". Yikes.

At this point it went from me being a bit uncomfortable with her ignoring him to me feeling like I was on a first date with this chick with her geeky AFC orbiter tagalong friend secretly seething with jealousy as he is chauffeuring us around town.

On the way back to his place we stop in another part of town and walk down the street to another bar. By this time I am trying to hang back like a third wheel, but this chick falls back walking beside ME while her man walks in front, basically looking back to talk to us.

By this time I could sense a little tension from him, so when we got to the bar I was trying to put some distance but she was still paying twice as much attention to me.

The night wraps up and we walk back to the car, this time I think she caught the vibe I was throwing toward her and she began walking closer to him.

This was all interesting because although I have gotten vibes from chicks right in front of their b/f's in the past, I've never had one essentially shut off the b/f and shout "OMG! I like that TOO! I can't believe it!!!" every three minutes like she just discovered her soul mate.

Any similar experiences? This was a new one for me.....

 

[BobMo']

I play fiddle in sessions where I'm sitting opposite a married woman and her husband. She often gets flushed and girlie when talks to me, and I glance over to see her husband looking at me, somewhat pained.

I just try to talk to him more than her, and let the situations described above go by as if I'm the victim, which we are, (unless, of course you're attracting her.

The operative advice is: "Bros before hos."

 

[Warrior74]

Yah. I've been there, it sucks. My best friends girl slept with all of his friends but me, only because I turned it down. Turns out that when they would fight she would mention how I was a much better man than him and how she deserved a man like me. Ouch. He's got two girlfriends now and told one of them she's not allowed to talk to me if he's not there and she's not allowed to hug me. I introduced him to his second girlfriend and he's asked me a few times if I have slept with her. I told him she's not my type, but she's so hot he can't believe it. He's going to ruin it because he keeps asking her if we've hooked up. She's called me like WTF is he going on about? His insecurity is going to ruin it. I don't fvck my boys women.

 

[Cableguy]

I feel you STR8UP. This happens to me quite often. I used to attribute it to the girl just wanting to make a good impression with her man's friends. I've since changed my mind and see it for what it really is. I always make it a point to hang back if the chick is getting too flirty.

On a couple of occasions I've actually pulled a friend aside and told him I wasn't cool with his chick being so flirty. My number one goal in this situation is to let my boy know I'm not trying to get his girl. So uncomfortable though. This ALWAYS happens when the guy is AFC/beta.

 

[speed dawg]

On a couple of occasions I've actually pulled a friend aside and told him I wasn't cool with his chick being so flirty. My number one goal in this situation is to let my boy know I'm not trying to get his girl. So uncomfortable though. This ALWAYS happens when the guy is AFC/beta.

I think this is the best way to handle it. It's easy to send that body language to the girl that you're aren't interested in treading into that territory. Some guys just like the attention and drama of it, very similar to a certain female term we use around here a good bit. I mean, if the b1tch is being disrespectful to your friend, he should know about it. If he's AFC, what is being a better friend, to inform or not? I think it is to tell him.

 

[ChumpNoMore]

Bro's before ho's!

As long as he recognized you were just being cordial, and not actively soliciting her attention, I wouldn't sweat it. Maybe she is just genuinely excited to meet his friends, maybe she's looking for the bigger better deal.

His issue, not yours.

 

[radiodude]

I had an experience with a friends GF (then his gf now wife) while my wife (then gf) and them were hanging out.

When my friend met her, we were in another friends wedding. I introduced myself when we were all introduced and she was digging me from the start. I already had another gf then so i wasn't really shopping around. Anyway, they hooked up later that week. They were kind of being set up by our other friend and his wife.

Later after they were dating and I was dating my (now) wife we started hanging out more. We'd be at the bar and my friends gf would eyeball me alot and smile. One night, we were all sitting togeather and I went up to get drinks for my wife and I, and she came up behind me and started dancing(grinding in a way) to some pretty beat filled music. I played along and smiled. She smiled back and went off to the bathroom. I must admit it was provocative neough to make me look and see if my gf or he saw. They didn't. It made me uncomfortable and I was a bit surprised.

Another time, she was a little extra drunk and told my wife how she really wanted me when we first met. even though her bf (my friend) was a good guy. Smilling and laughing about it. My wife took it well. It was fashioned as more of a compliment but I was still feeling a bit odd about my wife hearing that.

 

[STR8UP]

Well he's not really a "bro"....just a guy I met through a common business interest, but regardless, it was a uncomfortable situation to realize that he was right there next to us and picking up on it himself since it was so blatant.

Honestly, one of my good friends has a g/f who makes me a little uncomfortable when she is around me without him. If he is there it's no problem- she acts like his g/f. But when he ISN'T around, she gets a little too close for comfort. She gets in my personal space (which in itself isn't a problem, but given the fact that her b/f is one of my best friends it actually is) and her body language screams "attraction". So much so that other people have commented about it. But at least when he is around she is clearly "with" him.

This case was just bizarre because she was pouring it out right in front of him. And I'm sure it was 100% subconscious on her part, but if it was blatantly obvious to me I'm sure it was obvious to everyone else.

AWKWARD!

 

[SXS]

It appears someone is geting dumped soon...

 

[jophil28]

Another example of how cold and disrespectful some women can be when they are having some flirty 'fun' with a new guy. What a selfish uncaring **** she is.
However, if the situation were reversed and that guy did it to her, he would be the subject of some hating from her and endless complaining and baitching to her girlfriends.

 

[jophil28]

And I'm sure it was 100% subconscious on her part, but if it was blatantly obvious to me I'm sure it was obvious to everyone else.

Only sociopaths and NPDS are unaware of the impact of their crap behavior on others..

 

[horaholic]

Another example of how cold and disrespectful some women can be when they are having some flirty 'fun' with a new guy. What a selfish uncaring **** she is.
However, if the situation were reversed and that guy did it to her, he would be the subject of some hating from her and endless complaining and baitching to her girlfriends.

Actually, I'll bet he's gonna catch all that hate from her anyway. If he doesnt say anything to her about it, she will probably sense his jealousy and bring it up first. She'll shift the blame to him. He'll be labeled as insecure, and be treated like the bad guy, and her girlfriends will be informed that he is a jealous a$$hole. Isnt that usually the way it goes?

 

[slaog]

Theres no way to stop it from happening other then acting AFC. Its a compliment in a way but an awkward sitation to be in.

 

[iqqi]

The most common way to meet new people is through current acquaintances. If you and this chick he is seeing hit it off that well, then it is what it is. Unless they have talked about marriage and all that commitment future talk, then you have to take it how it is. You and she might have a real connection, STR8UP. And the way she came into your path is through this guy. Unfortunately maybe.

As much as it would pain me to have it happen to me, and I know this, I'd have to say I wouldn't want to be the one to come between two people who might be meant to have something together.

There is a logical argument in what I have said, and admittedly on the other hand, a bit of romantic argument as well.

The only way I think that you should strike a dagger in the heart of something like this happening is 1. If the guy is really your TOP DAWG or 2. She comes across as completely insincere, and does this with everyone.

OK, shoot now.

By the way, I am an extremely jealous, loyal, and possessive person, so if I identify with anyone at all it is the betrayed boyfriend/friend. Even though on more occassions I have been in STR8UP's shoes. And I cannot identify with the GF at all, because even when I have been more attracted and connected to a guy when I was involved with someone else, I totally did not show it out of loyalty and respect.

But removing myself from all that, I say that my first statement is what applies here.

It is what it is! As for your friend... it is not what it is not.

 

[jophil28]

I have thought of this a lot, and I am not sure if they are unaware so much as they just don't care. They are often very brilliant and incredibly perceptive. My own BPD girl very quickly notices changes of things......of course, only when it suits her selfish purpose. When you point out something to their disadvantage, well they think you are just plain crazy.

"Just don't care.." sums it up perfectly.

 

[jophil28]

Actually, I'll bet he's gonna catch all that hate from her anyway. If he doesnt say anything to her about it, she will probably sense his jealousy and bring it up first. She'll shift the blame to him. He'll be labeled as insecure, and be treated like the bad guy, and her girlfriends will be informed that he is a jealous a$$hole. Isnt that usually the way it goes?

Yep, thats how it usually works and it will continue to go that way as long as we look the other way and do nothing to stamp it out.

 

[horaholic]

As much as it would pain me to have it happen to me, and I know this, I'd have to say I wouldn't want to be the one to come between two people who might be meant to have something together.

So meeting some dud for the first time, and thinking he's hot is "meant to be?" What a bunch of crap. Actually, maybe your right, because if Str8up would have dogged his friend out for that, he would be just as much as a disrespectful piece of shyt than that woman obviously is, so yeah... I guess they would be meant for each other.

It is another thing, if OVER TIME, two people develop real feelings for each other, but if there is a friendship in the middle, the two people should stay away from each other, until a better time comes. But just meeting him, and taking a giant shyt on her BF's head right in front of him? Thats LOW.

 

[STR8UP]

There are a few lessons to be learned here, and one of them is definitely NOT that "if you find a quality woman she won't take an interest in any of your friends".

The "quality woman" argument does hold water in some instances, but I don't believe that a woman MUST be actively seeking to swing branches to see one that catches her fancy. I DO believe that the higher her interest level is, the LESS likely she is to see another guy who catches her eye, but unless it's through the roof, a woman is ALWAYS open to the possibility of the BBD. in other words, unless you ARE the biggest, best deal in her eyes at that moment there is always potential for her to be open to falling for someone else.

All of this crap about "fate" that women spew is nothing more than rationalization. They would love to be able to blame things on hoodoo voodoo to avoid culpability. My married ex that recently contacted me on facebook.....she sends me this email saying "fate brought me back to you for a reason". Uh, no, you typed my name into the search bar hon.

I would be willing to bet that 9 out of 10 times when a woman meets someone else while in a relationship she uses this to rationalize branch swinging. This particular chick was thinking just that as she was checking off the many ways in which we are compatible throughout the night.

Unfortunately for him, he's in a catch 22 situation. If he observes this kind of behavior, the worst thing he can do is call her on it. It will only serve to take away points from the already shaky attraction she has for him.

A couple of important lessons here are:

- You never "own" a woman. You are simply renting.

- The only way to have a fair amount of assurance that she WON'T be eyeing your friends (or her coworkers, etc) is to maintain a very high level of attraction.

- If you see your woman taking this much of an interest in another man right in front of your face you can be fairly sure that she isn't extremely interested in you.

 

[pLaYtHiNg]

I've been in this situation many times, and from both sides. There are many men I am attracted to... being in a relationship is not going to prevent me from being attracted to other persons... that's like trying to stop the Earth's revolutions... it's just not going to happen. That being said, when it occurs, I am very self-aware and able to keep myself in check. Being so blatantly disrespectful to your SO makes you BOTH look like the relationship doesn't mean anything.

Now, I know people who have been together a million years, and often flirt with others of the opposite sex, but they are secure in their relationships, and the flirtation is 'for amusement purposes only'. Often they both partake, and there is an enjoyable openness about them.

I don't know this woman, (and I really don't like to judge), but it seems as though she walks all over her SO. Obviously he isn't confrontational, at least within the moment and is tolerant of her behavior in the very least.

I've also been in his shoes before, and I know how uncomfortable and disheartening it is... but I didn't stick around to relive that experience over and over. (After voicing my concerns and essentially being blown off, I dismissed the relationship and went about my life).

Just curious... have you talked to your male acquaintance about his girlfriend's behavior? It sounds like she was the only person who didn't feel awkward that night.

 

[jophil28]

There are a few lessons to be learned here, and one of them is definitely NOT that "if you find a quality woman she won't take an interest in any of your friends".

Disagree. My definition of a "quality woman" excludes the behavior that your friend's 'girlfriend' showed toward you.

Blatant disrespect of him and totally coldness towards his feelings would be grounds for dismissal.
If I were him I would have rolled her out of the car at the nearest taxi stand and then lost her number.

I have dated numerous woman and had many LTRs but never had a woman pull that shyte with another guy in front of me. ( perhaps they knew that somehow it was verboten with me)

I think that there were TWO factors at work in her behavior. Firstly her IL in her B/f is probably only moderate at best, and secondly she is acting as if she had no obligation to consider her boy friends feelings - It is just more of the " I am woman and I can do as I please" syndrome.