Told my wife she is a piece of sh!t tonight

[WoodB]

Malice, I have been around the horn many times...divorce, bad relationships, good relationships, etc. From my own experience, when the shyte hits the fan as in your case, it's because a lot of resentment has built up over weeks, even months. The drink issue tipped the scale, but there are other things at play on both sides. You and your wife have to have a solid talk. Don't go Beta on her, but you know her best, you can't go totally a-hole on her either. Good luck bro.

 

[backbreaker]

I don't get it. You give advice about everything else. You're not judging if you're trying to help someone with their problems.

because in this particular instance i have more experience with this problem and this particular set of events than everyone else in this thread combined. if i told malice exactly what i wanted to say, which i would bet 500 dollars it's the truth, he'd get resentful, clam up, double down and make the situation worse.


Using my sosuave cap, the best advice i can say is talk to your wife about the problem. as the dude above me said you can't just a hole your way through everything.


i knew very very very very few women who just don't want their men to drink at all. women who have a problem with men drinking is usually beucase the men become a problem when they drink. those of you who think that the wife is being a **** are missing the picture. she's just telling malice to do something he doesn't want to do. but it doesn't mean she isn't right.

i mean, if she is just being a **** and just don't want you to drink at all then ****, i'm with everyone else. but that's not what is going on. first of all he is the one who swore it out per his own words. so at worse he's lying ot his wife and calling her out on holding him accountable and most likely, he's a belligerent ****ty drunk and his wife isn't looking forward to another weekend f not going out with her husband, being suvlicsive and "telling her like it is" all weekend long. she put her foot down and he's now throwing a temper tantrum and wants the forum to co sign hi s****, and that i can't do.


this **** didn't come out of left field. this wasn't a i am going to be a **** moment.


rotfl right on fvcking cue

i said

sstop playing the fvckign victim card. stop playing the woe is my life card.

lol

I was self medicating. I needed meds for my ADD I have been suffering with my entire life.

there is a rationalization for it all

alcohol isn't the problem, my wife is the problem.

 

[Slickster]

I brought home a bottle of vodka to keep me company...

This is alcoholic-speak if I ever heard it.

I assume your wife knew about your drinking and smoking before you were married.

If it has turned into a problem no wonder she's b!tching now.

Have you ever considered maybe she just cares about you and is worried even about your occasional usage?

 

[cordoncordon]

I don't understand the need of people to get high and drunk all of the time. I seriously don't.

I quit weed when I was 21 and never looked back. Sometimes you have to grow up. I drink maybe once a week and that's 3-4 beers, at most. Usually just 2.

How do people become so dependent on this stuff? Straighten up your one life and stop finding reasons to run away from it.

I stopped drinking as of a couple months ago and have never felt so good. Granted I only drank once a week at most, but I hated how I would feel the next day and it totally screwed with my metabolism and working out schedules.

Might be tough to hold off all drinking next week though as we are headed to San Fran all week. I may just stick to the occasional beer or glass of wine, if I drink at all.

 

[Olivia]

So now your wife can read anything I say on here? That's fvcked up, man... You violated the bro code by leading her here!!

**** bro code. I'm here.

listen malice: you go out and drink as much as you want. I grant you the wish. You drink so much as you want, you smoke as much as you want, you do whatever the **** you feel like doing. But only one rule I will give you: be conscious. Do that and I guarante you, you will be sick of all those stupid drugs.

The point is not to hold anything back. You go all out. It happens because whatever we repress will surface sooner or later and the more you have repressed, the stronger it comes out. and if you dont let it out, you'r life will be a kind of an anxiety-kind of. Also let all the anger you have so you can feel a love kinf of calmness. You don't necessarily need to do this infront of your wife. Do this alone tomorrow when she is out, do this when you are alone. Take a pillow and imagine your wife is that, and beat that **** out. Beat it so much as you can, with an conscious mind. You will see what I mean: after a while, maybe 20 minutes, maybe 1 hour, depends on how long you have repressed your anger, after that session I promise you, you will feel like hugging your wife so hard, like you've never hugged before.

Now do this. I commend it

Also stop desiring to be a boss. That is just stupid idea. Neither desire to be her boss nor desire to let her be your boss. You are your own boss, and nobody elses. With that, you will feel more freedom from her. You will feel more space like a bird without a cage. Now what can a bird do in a cage, even if it it is made out of gold? This tiny bird will not be able to even fly 1 feet around him. The sky has been completely taken away from him, for just a stupid small cage that is in fact a prison. Rather than belongin to the family that bought the bird, she will feel like being imprisoned. The whole sky was avaiable, and now only a feet around him.. that is pure stupidity for her. So drop that idea of being somebody's boss. It is stupid and nonsense, and will only give you frustation.

 

[Desdinova]

Moved to the Married Man forum

 

[Married Buried]

rotfl right on fvcking cue

i said

lol



there is a rationalization for it all

alcohol isn't the problem, my wife is the problem.

Try living with someone with unmedicated ADD, and then come back here and let me know how it went.

Take your victim card and shove it. I clearly was giving a truthful answer as to why I was drinking and smoking all the time.

And again, why do you keep saying I swore off drinking? I never did. Just told her I would cut down, and I did. The only deal we had was when I drink I would buy a small bottle. Since she was going to the beach, I bought a big bottle to last the weekend. That's when she flipped.

 

[Colossus]

Some people have great brain chemistry and others do not. The people who have perfect brain chemistry don't quite understand the relief you get from even one drink sometimes. I also take supplements and I used to take some RX stuff. While I was doing that, my focus was awesome and I got a lot done and I didn't really want to drink much at all. But I hated those particular meds and I opted to come off of em. I feel mostly great, but my concentration definitely suffers. Not sure what the solution for me is yet, to get my focus back.

Well said.

I think I fall into the latter category. I have always been on the moody side, and even during long periods of relative sobriety I find I fall into sort of a cyclothymic disposition (bipolar "lite").

I've never been formally diagnosed, but I do find it easy to fall into self-medicating routines. My drug has always been weed. And I do great without it, but when I have it, I'm just....compelled to smoke more days than not.

I've also been on RX ADD meds and found them helpful for studying but NOT helpful for mood stability.

Anyways, I think an important point here is some people are always going to find substance use appealing and easy, while others will never get it. It's probably a combination of brain chemistry and psychosocial factors.


Regarding your situation, Malice, it's fairly apparent to me you have an alcohol problem. I think that's issue numero uno. Second in line is your contentious relationship with your wife. I know Latina women can be somewhat on the controlling side and really inflexible with certain issues like substance abuse. I agree with the others that she has no right to chastise you for something you like to do, but nagging the p!ss out of you is her way of expressing her insecurity with your substance problems. Unfortunately, the vast majority of women tend to deal with relationship issues this way (cue the female "not me's!"), and it only makes men hate them and delve deeper into whatever it is that's making her uncomfortable and insecure.

Cant say I have an answer either, except the obvious: stop drinking.

 

[ebracer05]

There is another observation in all of this I think everyone is missing that often runs concurrently with alcohol abuse. We are people here to help you. We aren't here to screw you or take advantage of you. You seemed to have a pretty decent "forum broship" with some of the guys here. And yet, you are being incredibly hostile towards everyone in their attempts to help you.

Your wife could be a total train wreck of a woman but if you present the tone towards her that you have presented in this thread, I don't blame her so much for being difficult to live with. You have offered a series of very shallow justifications for your continued drinking and when anyone calls you on your inconsistencies, you get upset.

I can understand that... no one likes to be called out on something. But in this case, this is for your benefit. No one is trying to get the better of you, AMOG you, or anything like that. If you cannot get past your anger and hostility, you will never conquer any of your other issues. Remember, one of the DJ principles is to not be reactionary... does that sound like you right now?

 

[backbreaker]

There is another observation in all of this I think everyone is missing that often runs concurrently with alcohol abuse. We are people here to help you. We aren't here to screw you or take advantage of you. You seemed to have a pretty decent "forum broship" with some of the guys here. And yet, you are being incredibly hostile towards everyone in their attempts to help you.

Your wife could be a total train wreck of a woman but if you present the tone towards her that you have presented in this thread, I don't blame her so much for being difficult to live with. You have offered a series of very shallow justifications for your continued drinking and when anyone calls you on your inconsistencies, you get upset.

I can understand that... no one likes to be called out on something. But in this case, this is for your benefit. No one is trying to get the better of you, AMOG you, or anything like that. If you cannot get past your anger and hostility, you will never conquer any of your other issues. Remember, one of the DJ principles is to not be reactionary... does that sound like you right now?

I was trying to avoid tihs but screw it lol the cat is out of the bag now.

Malice is is a textbook stage 3 alcoholic. there is a cycle that alcoholics and addicts follow and he's following it to a T.

The first stage in alcoholism and addiction is use . this is when you find the drug and use the drug. very recreational at this point

The second stage is regular use. This is the stage where you decide to make alochol or drugs a normal part of your life.


see most everyone in life makes it to stage 2. making it to stage 2 does not make you an alcoholic.

stage 3 is when you start to abuse the drug or alcohol. this is when you start drinking in the mornings or at work or all weekend instead of on friday and Saturday nights. this is when you told yourself that hey i'm going to use on the weekends and then 6 months later you are telling youself well **** i don't do anything at work on Friday anyway i can have some on Thursdays lol.

A tell tale sign of stage 3 people is when people start to make decisions based around their ability to drink or use. This is not something that normal functioning people do. For instance, my wife likes to drink wine. If I told my wife that hey babe, cut the wine out because I don't like it around our son, and it's tempting me as well (which it doesn't) she would say okay whatever no big deal and stop drinking. Stage 3 people on the other hand, defend the drug or the drink and use. they development resentments, get angry and become more selfish in their behaviors. they resent any and everything that prevents them from their drug of choice or drink. This is exaclty where malice is at right now.


Stage 4 people are full blown hard core addicts and alcoholics. By this point their entire lives are revolved around the getting and using of drugs and alcohol. they will lie, cheat, steal, ***** themselves out, manipulate, cun, it doesn't' matter to get their drink or drug because it's all that matters. it's all they have left. by this point all resources are used up and all bridges are just about burned. stage 4 is pretty ugly.


here are a few things to note

1. it takes alcoholics longer to get to stage 4 than addicts. drinking is very much a progressive disease. but just as deadly.

2. make no mistake whatsoever about it, if you keep drinking you WILL make it to stage 4 eventually. this is not an opinion. If you make it to stage 3 and you don't stop drinking there is no choice but to go to stage 4.

3. and this is why i wasn't even going to bother responding, but most people have to get to stage 4 before they realize their lives are unmanageable and they are willing to change. see malice still has a resemblance of normalcy about his life; he has a job, he has a wife, he has ****, a car, etc.l he hasn't lost anything yet. he hasn't had any real drama in his life, in his mind he's perfectly normal and everyone else is out to **** up his good time. i've been, exactly there lol. exactly.

it is onlty when you realize you need to stop drinking and you also at the same time realize, you can't stop drinking, event hough you need to stop that most people are ready to listen to someone else.

right now malice is in denial. if he doesn't stop drinking next is delay (well i know i might have a problem but X is coming up i will stop drinking after that, or I will stop drinking once my wife starts to act right or I will stop drinking once i start to feel mentally better) . it is only when he won't be able to rationalize away the consequences of his actions that he will get to decision and even then, it's not a guarantee that he will make the right decision. he might very well say **** it, i'm a drunk and i will drink to the day i die.


seriously man, best of luck bro. BS aside you seem like a good dude.

 

[backbreaker]

Fantastic post.

BB, that was also an insightful post. Personally I would guess I am at stage 1/2. But honestly, I would have a very hard time if somebody tried to order me to stop drinking. By that standard I would be direct to stage 4. Now I would be pissed not because I wanted to drink, but because I don't live my life by anybody's rules but my own. And said person could promptly go fvk themselves. I would honestly hope (but somehow doubt) that most people would be like this.

most people would. the thing is, there is no reason for no one to order you to stop drinking beucase your drinking doesn't cause problems.

 

[Married Buried]

Well said.

I think I fall into the latter category. I have always been on the moody side, and even during long periods of relative sobriety I find I fall into sort of a cyclothymic disposition (bipolar "lite").

I've never been formally diagnosed, but I do find it easy to fall into self-medicating routines. My drug has always been weed. And I do great without it, but when I have it, I'm just....compelled to smoke more days than not.

I've also been on RX ADD meds and found them helpful for studying but NOT helpful for mood stability.

Anyways, I think an important point here is some people are always going to find substance use appealing and easy, while others will never get it. It's probably a combination of brain chemistry and psychosocial factors.


Regarding your situation, Malice, it's fairly apparent to me you have an alcohol problem. I think that's issue numero uno. Second in line is your contentious relationship with your wife. I know Latina women can be somewhat on the controlling side and really inflexible with certain issues like substance abuse. I agree with the others that she has no right to chastise you for something you like to do, but nagging the p!ss out of you is her way of expressing her insecurity with your substance problems. Unfortunately, the vast majority of women tend to deal with relationship issues this way (cue the female "not me's!"), and it only makes men hate them and delve deeper into whatever it is that's making her uncomfortable and insecure.

Cant say I have an answer either, except the obvious: stop drinking.

The adderall and wellbutrin kicks ass. I love my shrink. I am kicking ass in all areas right now except not being a jerk all the time.

 

[Married Buried]

I was trying to avoid tihs but screw it lol the cat is out of the bag now.

Malice is is a textbook stage 3 alcoholic. there is a cycle that alcoholics and addicts follow and he's following it to a T.

The first stage in alcoholism and addiction is use . this is when you find the drug and use the drug. very recreational at this point

The second stage is regular use. This is the stage where you decide to make alochol or drugs a normal part of your life.


see most everyone in life makes it to stage 2. making it to stage 2 does not make you an alcoholic.

stage 3 is when you start to abuse the drug or alcohol. this is when you start drinking in the mornings or at work or all weekend instead of on friday and Saturday nights. this is when you told yourself that hey i'm going to use on the weekends and then 6 months later you are telling youself well **** i don't do anything at work on Friday anyway i can have some on Thursdays lol.

A tell tale sign of stage 3 people is when people start to make decisions based around their ability to drink or use. This is not something that normal functioning people do. For instance, my wife likes to drink wine. If I told my wife that hey babe, cut the wine out because I don't like it around our son, and it's tempting me as well (which it doesn't) she would say okay whatever no big deal and stop drinking. Stage 3 people on the other hand, defend the drug or the drink and use. they development resentments, get angry and become more selfish in their behaviors. they resent any and everything that prevents them from their drug of choice or drink. This is exaclty where malice is at right now.


Stage 4 people are full blown hard core addicts and alcoholics. By this point their entire lives are revolved around the getting and using of drugs and alcohol. they will lie, cheat, steal, ***** themselves out, manipulate, cun, it doesn't' matter to get their drink or drug because it's all that matters. it's all they have left. by this point all resources are used up and all bridges are just about burned. stage 4 is pretty ugly.


here are a few things to note

1. it takes alcoholics longer to get to stage 4 than addicts. drinking is very much a progressive disease. but just as deadly.

2. make no mistake whatsoever about it, if you keep drinking you WILL make it to stage 4 eventually. this is not an opinion. If you make it to stage 3 and you don't stop drinking there is no choice but to go to stage 4.

3. and this is why i wasn't even going to bother responding, but most people have to get to stage 4 before they realize their lives are unmanageable and they are willing to change. see malice still has a resemblance of normalcy about his life; he has a job, he has a wife, he has ****, a car, etc.l he hasn't lost anything yet. he hasn't had any real drama in his life, in his mind he's perfectly normal and everyone else is out to **** up his good time. i've been, exactly there lol. exactly.

it is onlty when you realize you need to stop drinking and you also at the same time realize, you can't stop drinking, event hough you need to stop that most people are ready to listen to someone else.

right now malice is in denial. if he doesn't stop drinking next is delay (well i know i might have a problem but X is coming up i will stop drinking after that, or I will stop drinking once my wife starts to act right or I will stop drinking once i start to feel mentally better) . it is only when he won't be able to rationalize away the consequences of his actions that he will get to decision and even then, it's not a guarantee that he will make the right decision. he might very well say **** it, i'm a drunk and i will drink to the day i die.


seriously man, best of luck bro. BS aside you seem like a good dude.

You are so SMART! I stopped reading at stage 3 alcoholic. Seriously you are too long winded.

I am an alcoholic. I will be the first to admit it. Did anyone ever ask me? Once I start drinking, I don't want to stop. I went to the O's game and bought 10 beers. That's why I am cutting down. If the wife wants to go to the beach, I am going to drink.

WHY am I not going with the wife? Because I don't get a vacation every month like she does. I work at a real company.

I already took her to the UK for 2 weeks in March, and now she is b!tching about me taking her to the beach when I already used all my time off.

It will drive a man to drink.

 

[Married Buried]

Well said.


I've also been on RX ADD meds and found them helpful for studying but NOT helpful for mood stability.

I would like to point out that I am not taking the ADD meds to study. I am taking them as prescribed. They actually do help with my mood. I am even a bigger jerk without them if you believe that is possible.

 

[backbreaker]

You are so SMART! I

I'm not smart. I'm just a drug addict lol.

 

[Married Buried]

I'm not smart. I'm just a drug addict lol.

Aren't we all.

 

[TheCWord]

The adderall and wellbutrin kicks ass. I love my shrink. I am kicking ass in all areas right now except not being a jerk all the time.

I'd actually like to know how you manage to drink and take wellbutrin. I have recently started on it to work on some focus issues, and I am thinking of coming off of it because now one drink to me feels like ten.

P.S. Seriously, stop drinking. You are lucky to have a wife who has obviously been so tolerant of your alcohol abuse over the years.

 

[Married Buried]

I'd actually like to know how you manage to drink and take wellbutrin. I have recently started on it to work on some focus issues, and I am thinking of coming off of it because now one drink to me feels like ten.

P.S. Seriously, stop drinking. You are lucky to have a wife who has obviously been so tolerant of your alcohol abuse over the years.

I am not even paying attention to this. Not even GOD can match this.

 

[Desdinova]

I already took her to the UK for 2 weeks in March, and now she is b!tching about me taking her to the beach when I already used all my time off.

It will drive a man to drink.

It sounds like you're more married to the bottle than you are to this woman. My burning question is why don't you want to spend time with her?

 

[Married Buried]

Malice - do you lift weights and/or do cardio?

Yes but not enough.

It sounds like you're more married to the bottle than you are to this woman. My burning question is why don't you want to spend time with her?

I'd love to spend time with her at the beach. Unfortunately I have this thing called a job that pays the mortgage. I basically have 1 day off a week. I am not driving 5 hours to the beach in traffic to stay 1 day.