Today I'm Single...

[Heretolearn]

#1 I think I would rather have the issue with ice cream than a chick like his!! At least you can light a fart and entertain people with it!




#2 The day you forget to mark it on the calendar is the first day of your new life. The dayssss that you go and finally don't have the calendar to mark it on are when you are recovering and beginning a healthy return to a happier future without a BPD.

#3 You really should do as dude said and maybe consider sitting in on an AA meeting. She is your drug and you need to learn to live without it and acknowledge your weakness for it. I would also take time to see where within your behavior you may have absorbed some BPD behavior yourself. Ultimately, though, removing her from your life and regaining control over yours will move you away from that kind of behavior.

I wish you well and will be watching the board to see how you're doing. Just remember she is a poison to you and anyone she is around. Now that you got away...STAY away!!

Great post but lol, with my gas issue, I was thinking of tuning myself and joining a band ha ha

You mentioned taking on some of the BPD characteristics. I feel this and it made the relationship end harder because I was feeling, maybe its me or at least that I contributed heavily to the behaviour and brought it out. Speaking to her Ex though, I got off VERY lightly.

I guess though over time (no contact) that you return to your own healthy state (or at least your own state )???

 

[Heretolearn]

Thanks Airwarrior...it's funny (in a way) when I was 18...I got seriously addicted to heroin. Had to drop out of college, in and out of rehabs, etc. but then I finally got clean and started a new life. I had kept my drug use such a secret that the only people who really knew what had happened to me was my immediate family.

I finished up college. Started a successful business. And never thought too much about the whole thing. I never told anyone about my experience and what happened to me. Not even my closest friends.

So then I meet this chick. And probably our first conversation on the phone with her, for some reason I just felt compelled to tell her the whole story. Looking back it's like I think I could sense she had all sorts of inner demons and addictions too, and so it was easy to tell her about mine.

But I was also thinking about it, and I feel like having told her, that created a false sense "specialness" I felt toward her. Like she knew this deep inner secret about me that nobody else knew about, so therefore, subconsciously I thought there must be something special about her.

So, after what happened on New Years eve, I decided that I was going to be more open, and try to be totally OPEN about my life with people. I also realized I had deep seated anger about past relationships and experiences with girls (getting cheated on etc.) that I was going to have to work on.

Last night, I told my best friend all about what happened to me with heroin. It felt good to share it with someone else.

So anyway, back to my original point, its funny in a way, because this chick is absolutely like my drug like you said. I'm analyzing my thoughts and feelings about the situation and it's almost exactly like coming off heroin (without the excruciating physical withdrawal of cold sweats, vomiting, and diarrhea )

But I am fantasizing about "one last time", and I am having a hard time picturing life without her, and not wanting to go back to the way things were before I was "Clean" from her. I also find my mind trying to think of good rationalizations to call her or thinking that maybe, just maybe there is some way I can still have this drug (her) in my life.

But I know that is all my mind playing tricks on me, craving more. So right now I'm just taking it one step at a time.

wow, well done. It sounds like you are REALLY progressing!!! Keep it up. As for one last time. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.

Man, I am still severely messed up about my situation and even I know NO NO NO NO NO NO. And a BIG hell no. If you go through this again (the withdrawal) it will be MUCH MUCH MUCH worse. Trust me. Do you want to feel worse than you do. I mean much worse. You steal your own self esteem because when you return to someone that hurts you, then you think WHAT IS WRONG with me. Why do I do this to myself. I must be bad/unworthy.

Stay strong my friend. Find strength and purpose in your success. Not in the trying to solve/be a part of the failure of others.

Good luck!!!

 

[i-shine-regardless]

Dude f*ck these chicks...they're total garbage.

Soon enough we'll be looking back like wtf kinda crack were we smoking...

I can't wait to get my sanity back.

 

[darkstarrr]

Dude f*ck these chicks...they're total garbage.

Soon enough we'll be looking back like wtf kinda crack were we smoking...

I can't wait to get my sanity back.

hey man, its been 3 months for me and my sanity just came back! i'm eating and working again. thank God i am friends with that doctor who wrote me the leave of abscence note or i would be toast right about now.

i guess what i am trying to tell you is that don't worry. it could always be worse (like with me for example). and so i am using myself as an example to you that things will be fine and that your sanity will come back soon enough.

that's all the advice i can coherently give you right now.

good luck.

 

[AIRWARRIOR71]

So anyway, back to my original point, its funny in a way, because this chick is absolutely like my drug like you said. I'm analyzing my thoughts and feelings about the situation and it's almost exactly like coming off heroin (without the excruciating physical withdrawal of cold sweats, vomiting, and diarrhea )

But I am fantasizing about "one last time", and I am having a hard time picturing life without her, and not wanting to go back to the way things were before I was "Clean" from her. I also find my mind trying to think of good rationalizations to call her or thinking that maybe, just maybe there is some way I can still have this drug (her) in my life.

But I know that is all my mind playing tricks on me, craving more. So right now I'm just taking it one step at a time.

i-shine...the biggest thing to me is that you have admitted you have a "drug" problem, and not the heroin. I wonder if you have an addictive personality and might find many things in your life taking over your attention, not just a chick but maybe a video game or other form of escape. I have a twin brother that has an addictive personality and he eventually got into doing crack at one point. He has for the most part, fought the addiction away, but in some ways he replaced it with playing an MMORPG (World of Warcraft). I would rather he was addicted to this than a drug, but in some ways the results are the same. He has neglected responsibilities and commitments to get his "fix" just the same.

An addictive personality needs to be confronted and "owned" if you have it. You can't affect anything unless you are in the driver's seat and not the victim. You are doing a good job of that, just make sure you are making an overall assessment. Talking to your best friend and telling them about your past is a good thing...they know you far better than us.

Just remember people do want to help you, but may not always have the tools needed to make the difference. I have said it to my brother as well. He has fought off his addiction by "white knuckling" it. He has been clean a year, but he doesn't have someone who has walked in his shoes to call him out when he is fulla bull. I can call him out, but it doesn't carry the same respect or understanding. I am just being the po-po to him. In this case you have the rest of us on this board to walk with you in your recovery as most of us have had our experiences that are similar or can empathize with you.

One day at a time is more than a motto...its a way of life. Seriously though, with your history of heroin use, plus this chick...maybe having a "sponsor" to talk to when you are about to make that call is what you really need. I know the guys on here will do their best, but we are not always immediately there to speak to you or hear you out. I would go check out AA as a possibility to find that. Hope we are helping!

 

[i-shine-regardless]

Airwarrior, HeretoLearn, and darkstarr....thanks. I really appreciate it.

I'm starting to get little glimmers of feeling good again. Mostly I'm focusing on what I can control. I worked out last night, made sure to eat a lot since I had an appetite (lean meat, fruits, vegetables), stayed away from alcohol, been reading my books: Codependent No More and Healing the Addictive Personality and went to bed nice and early.

I'm not saying it's easy. And when my friend called me last night. I was both scared as hell that it might be her and let down that it wasn't...

 

[Heretolearn]

Airwarrior, HeretoLearn, and darkstarr....thanks. I really appreciate it.

I'm starting to get little glimmers of feeling good again. Mostly I'm focusing on what I can control. I worked out last night, made sure to eat a lot since I had an appetite (lean meat, fruits, vegetables), stayed away from alcohol, been reading my books: Codependent No More and Healing the Addictive Personality and went to bed nice and early.

I'm not saying it's easy. And when my friend called me last night. I was both scared as hell that it might be her and let down that it wasn't...

You are doing well. As I said, every day you have no contact is a step forward. Well done and keep it up!

 

[i-shine-regardless]

I was having a hard time today....was tempted to call her, but wouldn't give in...i left work and was driving home when I got a phone call...it was my boy from NYC...he just got out of jail because his girl said he had hit her last week.

I guess he tried to leave her and she flipped out. The whole thing made me sick to my stomach because you never in a million years would've thought his girl would do that. But it just reminded, you gotta be careful the company you keep.

Needless to say, I'm not feeling any urges to call my ex right about now lol...

 

[Heretolearn]

I was having a hard time today....was tempted to call her, but wouldn't give in...i left work and was driving home when I got a phone call...it was my boy from NYC...he just got out of jail because his girl said he had hit her last week.

I guess he tried to leave her and she flipped out. The whole thing made me sick to my stomach because you never in a million years would've thought his girl would do that. But it just reminded, you gotta be careful the company you keep.

Needless to say, I'm not feeling any urges to call my ex right about now lol...

Exactly, never forget that. Just think about jail if you ever call your ex. It does get that bad. I mean I think about how badly my relationship was heading after 8 months, imagine 8 years. Maybe you would even WANT to go to jail. Scary thought *shudders

 

[i-shine-regardless]

Exactly, never forget that. Just think about jail if you ever call your ex. It does get that bad. I mean I think about how badly my relationship was heading after 8 months, imagine 8 years. Maybe you would even WANT to go to jail. Scary thought *shudders

Yeah man...sometimes I would have these flashes into the future and just see the insanity of her flipping out, and us having kids and her taking custody of them, and her accusing me of like raping her cuz she thought I cheated or all sorts of crazy stuff....

 

[princelydeeds]

That is the 4 alarm bell clanger !
I have said it many times. Women with alleged "abusive" upbringings or destructive previous marriages are totally unsuitable for LTRs . They never seem to co-relate their past or present time behaviors with the shyte that they find themselves in. IT is always a case of blaming the guy.

That is just the absolute truth!! I don't think women ever think about what they did to put themselves into a bad situation. It is so much easier to be a victim, than to ask yourself the question, "what did I do to get myself into this situation."