to confirm or not to confirm?

[pete101]

i know the general conscensus on here is to not confirm a date before hand because it gives her an out to flake whereas you'd be better off just showing up and seeing if she's there but if a date has been set up a week ago for tomorrow night would you still confirm?

i set up a pof date with a girl who flaked on our first meet as in cancelled and didn't counter offer, then i offered another time she counter offered and we agreed on tomorrow night.

this is a more general question.. how many of you guys have not confirmed and the women have not shown? (i dont just mean internet dating, i mean in general)

also does anyone have a clever text i could send her to indicate that it's her last strike with me so she shouldnt flake? without actually saying it or in an ultimatum way. right now she may think she can flake and i'll still come back. i shouldnt but i might. i know not to lose my temper as i usually do but she's on her last strike.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

Hi:

The reason you don't re-confirm a date is to test her interest level. Girls that have high interest will not forget dates, regardless of how long in the future you've set the date. Re-read that and burn it into your memory. A week is not a long time. Think about it: if she just got hired at a job and they told her it starts in 7 days, do you think she'd forget? No. Why? Because her interest in getting paid is high enough that she'd be thinking about that date and time all week so she wouldn't be late.

If she already flaked for the first date, she's already OUT. Again, if there's high interest there... girls spend their whole lives waiting to meet prince charming. Do you really, REALLY think if she thought you were possibly that guy, that she'd flake on you without giving a reason OR a counter-offer?

To answer your questions directly: I never confirm with women, and the majority of them always show up - and, in most cases, they hit ME up to make sure I haven't forgotten the date. The ones that don't show up, I find out later its because they have low interest (as evidence by me asking them out again and having them either flake a second time or act blah-ish on the date). As for a clever text to send her: you don't. They either like you and want to show up, or they don't like you and flake. So really, there's no sense in giving a warning text because, if she liked you, she wouldn't need one in the first place.

Hope this helps!

 

[Naughty Ninja]

i know the general conscensus on here is to not confirm a date before hand because it gives her an out to flake whereas you'd be better off just showing up and seeing if she's there but if a date has been set up a week ago for tomorrow night would you still confirm?

i set up a pof date with a girl who flaked on our first meet as in cancelled and didn't counter offer, then i offered another time she counter offered and we agreed on tomorrow night.

this is a more general question.. how many of you guys have not confirmed and the women have not shown? (i dont just mean internet dating, i mean in general)

also does anyone have a clever text i could send her to indicate that it's her last strike with me so she shouldnt flake? without actually saying it or in an ultimatum way. right now she may think she can flake and i'll still come back. i shouldnt but i might. i know not to lose my temper as i usually do but she's on her last strike.

Dude you are WAAAAY too caring about some random stranger...FROM THE INTERNET...a FREE online "dating" site no less. You've got to cut that sh1t out or chicks like those will eat you alive.

Listen to this song. It fits your situation PERFECTLY.

Misunderstanding- Genesis

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bmFRvpwVSwo

What to do if you're pretty sure she isn't going to show? You CALL her fifteen minutes before the time you're supposed to meet her in person and tell her you left and will be late. If you hear from her and she's there or sounds like she's going..Then go. If no answer? Delete her number and keep it moving as you haven't left at that point anyway.

 

[Pimp-sicle]

Pete: I am coming from a good place and I'm trying to help you "get it" so if this comes off as harsh, just know I'm trying to drive a point home, not hating on you.

------------------

Your focusing on minor details, instead of understanding the bigger picture.

First off, flakes are gonna happen period. Despite what some guys say here, there are several girls who flake or cancel the first date for a variety reasons even when they are interested in the guy.

However, if you are constantly getting flaked on, its not because you called to confirm or didn't call. Its because you didn't create enough intrigue/attraction with the girl when you two first spoke.

I don't online date and never will, but you gotta have some tight text & phone game unless she's already sold on your physical appearance in order to get her out to see you. Even if she's an average looking girl, she's getting hit on all day on that thing by desperate chumps who are clueless for the most part. This gives them an abundance mentality, something you should adopt and let's them being very selective with who they go out with.

Your major mistake is making a date so far in advance. Anytime you make a date so far in advance with a new girl, unless she has sky high interest, she's likely to flake because your not that important to her. Making a date so far in advance allows her time to find something else to do and then flake out on you.

Get out of that habit, make dates 1-2 days in advance in general until you know the girl has high interest, then you can confidently make a date far in advance and know she will be excited to go.

You need to re-wire your brain bro; because even reading your posts it reeks of desperation, someone who is unsure of himself and scared to mess up.

Girls aren't attracted to that......

And dude, don't even think about sending a clever text to try and make her "not flake." LOL She will literally laugh @ you for that esp if she isn't attracted to you. Ultimatums are never a good idea, its what angry, desperate guys who don't get it do. In other words, trying to coerce her into going out with you isn't going to work. She already knows whether she's going to go out with you or not.

Think of it this way. If talking to the girl initially is your test; her showing up on the date or not will let you know if you passed the test or not.

If you consistently aren't passing, you shouldn't take it personally. You should realize that there is a skill set you are lacking, identify it and improve it.

The fact that you made a thread about this, leads me to believe that in your gut you are expecting her to flake.








PIMP

 

[DonGorgon]

always confirm but do it smart.... mention / ask her something that has to do with the date so in answering she has to confirm that the date is actually still on..

 

[Purefilth]

always confirm but do it smart.... mention / ask her something that has to do with the date so in answering she has to confirm that the date is actually still on..

Sorry ill be 20 minutes late, is that cool?

 

[pdx1138]

Agree with what Harry said.

I've planned dates before with a week later due to holidays.

The girls with High interest always showed up without a confirmation.
And ones who don't show up were low interest / wasting your time anyway.
win/win.

Use it as a $hit test to gauge their interest i say.
You know for certain its high when that much time goes by
and they appear.

 

[Bokanovsky]

i know the general conscensus on here is to not confirm a date before hand because it gives her an out to flake whereas you'd be better off just showing up and seeing if she's there but if a date has been set up a week ago for tomorrow night would you still confirm?

This is nonsense. If a girl wants to meet she's not going to flake and if she has low interest, she will flake regardless of whether your confirm. In other words, it doesn't really matter. Personally, I usually wait for them to confirm and 90% of the time they will send a confirmation text, from my experience.

 

[pete101]

Pete: I am coming from a good place and I'm trying to help you "get it" so if this comes off as harsh, just know I'm trying to drive a point home, not hating on you.

------------------

Your focusing on minor details, instead of understanding the bigger picture.

First off, flakes are gonna happen period. Despite what some guys say here, there are several girls who flake or cancel the first date for a variety reasons even when they are interested in the guy.

However, if you are constantly getting flaked on, its not because you called to confirm or didn't call. Its because you didn't create enough intrigue/attraction with the girl when you two first spoke.

I don't online date and never will, but you gotta have some tight text & phone game unless she's already sold on your physical appearance in order to get her out to see you. Even if she's an average looking girl, she's getting hit on all day on that thing by desperate chumps who are clueless for the most part. This gives them an abundance mentality, something you should adopt and let's them being very selective with who they go out with.

Your major mistake is making a date so far in advance. Anytime you make a date so far in advance with a new girl, unless she has sky high interest, she's likely to flake because your not that important to her. Making a date so far in advance allows her time to find something else to do and then flake out on you.

Get out of that habit, make dates 1-2 days in advance in general until you know the girl has high interest, then you can confidently make a date far in advance and know she will be excited to go.

You need to re-wire your brain bro; because even reading your posts it reeks of desperation, someone who is unsure of himself and scared to mess up.

Girls aren't attracted to that......

And dude, don't even think about sending a clever text to try and make her "not flake." LOL She will literally laugh @ you for that esp if she isn't attracted to you. Ultimatums are never a good idea, its what angry, desperate guys who don't get it do. In other words, trying to coerce her into going out with you isn't going to work. She already knows whether she's going to go out with you or not.

Think of it this way. If talking to the girl initially is your test; her showing up on the date or not will let you know if you passed the test or not.

If you consistently aren't passing, you shouldn't take it personally. You should realize that there is a skill set you are lacking, identify it and improve it.

The fact that you made a thread about this, leads me to believe that in your gut you are expecting her to flake.








PIMP

hi pimp it's cool i take your advice to heart you've given me good advice before.

i should clarify though.. the whole only setting up dates 1-2 days in advance.. i only do that.. i got that from you.

but i have to explain this situation. ok last tues i sent a text on new years day to meet up that night (i called before she didn't answer) she said she was too tired and hungover and didn't offer a counter offer.. then 20mins later she says 'how about thursday evening?' i arrange it for thursday evening.. at 5am day of she cancels and flakes with some long winded text, no counter offer.

so i thought ok, i should just leave it.. but i try one last time and i respond to rearrange it to friday night instead.. she says shes away on the weekend and how's tues? (this is already 4 days in advance she's counter offering) i said i cant do mon or tues and offered weds. she says she cant do weds and offers thurs.

this is how it ended up being arranged 1 week in advance.

would you say that at the point where she offered tuesday (4-5 days in advance) i should have declined it and say i'd speak to her next week?

 

[The Gambler]

Espi, Bokanovsky and DonGordon are on a roll here.

Confirming with a woman doesn't make you look desperate or weak... Actually, it can mean the exact opposite. You have sh!t to do in your life, so you want to know if you're wasting your time or not by showing up for the date.

I think we can all realize when a confirmation might sound AFC if framed with other needy behavior. If that's the case, there are much bigger problems in store anyhow. But having your act together and unapologetically asking if the plans are still on means nothing to the secure DJ with things on his plate.

 

[Pimp-sicle]

she says 'how about thursday evening?' i arrange it for thursday evening.. at 5am day of she cancels and flakes with some long winded text, no counter offer.

I would have either not replied to her long winded cancel or just kept it short and said "okay." And left it at that.

but i try one last time and i respond to rearrange it to friday night instead

That was your error, your trying to go out of your way and be flexible for an inflexible person. Never put out more effort than you are getting back. In fact the best, put in less effort than the girl; prize mentality.

would you say that at the point where she offered tuesday (4-5 days in advance) i should have declined it and say i'd speak to her next week?

Yes.

 

[VladPatton]

Regarding confirming:

I agree that there is nothing wrong with making sure she is going to show up. The "I'm gonna be 20 mins line tonight" by Purefilth is brilliant! That's all you really need. No long winded texts needed. I don't understand why you would take the risk of getting dressed, get in your car, and go to a place and drink alone for 20 mins while you get stood up.

Regarding inflexible times:

You were so flexible that you put yourself in a high-flake percentage by bumping up the days by two, by, three, then by seven to finally come to an accord. When she changes the day more than once, you cut it off and say "hmm I don't think that's gonna work for me, we'll reschedule some other time, good night". By bumping up the days she showed dominance, and that's your job. This is a red flag, she's showing inflexibility very early.


In conclusion, I say take a chance and cancel on her. Yep. All those days in advance are suddenly conflicting with your busy schedule (get it?). "Sorry, can't make it on xxxxday, we'll talk soon", and you leave it at that. This is the kind of śhit they pull with us, I consider it equal rights.

Just my suggestion.

Good luck, and let us know what you ultimately did.

 

[Naughty Ninja]

Sorry ill be 20 minutes late, is that cool?

^^^This is an EXCELLENT final reply. If no answer from her. You don't bother leaving. If an excuse. No reply. If she's going or there. Then you leave.^^^


As for Pete101: I'm curious to see the chicks profile link added to this thread. (If she never shows.) and or your profile link so we can see your pics. (If you feel like it.) I would definitely like to see her profile link in this thread. I'm pretty good at telling fake profiles.

Pete, How do you know the chick in the profile pictures is really her? How do you know it's not someone using another chicks pics? Has she texted you a pic of her? Have you spoken to her or just texted?

It could be some whacko who's getting off on fvcking with in his mind "chumps" due to his own lack of success on POF.

Pete, You never know dude. You could be driving yourself insane over a FAKE profile with some nutjob playing a joke on random dudes with a burn phone.

Has anyone else seen the chicks profile Pete is talking about?

 

[Harry Wilmington]

Ooooh man, I've been wanting to respond to this thread again all day! I saw the various comments on here disagreeing with my opinion, but perhaps it can all be summed up in VladPatton's comment:

I agree that there is nothing wrong with making sure she is going to show up... I don't understand why you would take the risk of getting dressed, get in your car, and go to a place and drink alone for 20 mins while you get stood up.

Fair enough; allow me to explain then...

We can agree that the majority of people that come to this site start off as AFCs - i.e. Average Frustrated Chumps. And, part of the reason we are F - frustrated - is because we aren't quick to get when a woman isn't interested in us, and end up pursuing her despite the many signals she may send indicating low interest.

One of the reasons we don't get this right away is because the "low interest" signals a woman sends our way may be subtle, especially to an AFC with lots of hope in his heart for his one-i-tis crush. For example, take a look at the OP's dilemma thus far:

*He tried calling her and she didn't pick up the phone;
*When she finally does hit him up, she schedules a date for Thursday, then cancels without counter-offering;
*When he tries to reschedule, he gives him some B.S. excuse about going out of town (really? going out of town a weekend after New Year's? Probable, but not verifiable) then pushes the meeting back to Thursday - the same day of the week she previously flaked on

All this points to low interest thus far... but it's also just vague enough to where the AFC in him won't fully GET IT. So, the question, then, becomes: how do you make yourself understand that the girl really does NOT have an interest in you?

And the answer is: by showing up for the date and having her flake on you.

This is the reason why you would take the risk of getting dressed, getting in your car, and going to a place and drink alone for 20 mins while you get stood up: so that, hopefully, you'll be able to realize a few things about the girl you're pinning over:

1. THAT SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOU (Because a girl that did like you would have show up)
2. THAT SHE DOESN'T RESPECT YOU (Because a girl that did like you would at least have the decency to realize you're using up your time that could be spent elsewhere trying to impress her)
3. THAT SHE ISN'T APPRECIATIVE OF YOUR EFFORTS (Because a girl that did like you would understand how much thought you put into taking her out and would show up)

You see, by calling her to re-confirm and allowing her to cancel, your mind is still going to think you can just try again at a later date and still have a shot, much like the OP has. However, it's just a delay tactic on her part so that she either doesn't have to go out with you, or until she decides to finally try you out when she's bored and has nothing better to do. In other words, the AFC's mind is still going to believe this girl may like him.

However, when a girl blatantly decides not to show up for a date, it's very hard for anyone - even an AFC - to justify what would make her not show up or even give you so much as a phone call in advance telling you she wasn't going to make it. And so, when you're sitting in that restaurant with that drink in your hand thinking about the money you spent on your outfit, gas, and possibly the appetizer you ordered while waiting for her to not show up, it's going to make you more apt to NOT ask her out again because you'll realize she has low interest in you and you'll GET IT.

Because - real talk - once you hit a man in his wallet, it's much easier to convince him to STOP chasing after a woman, verses if he's just rejected with a simple phone call. Hope this helps!

 

[zekko]

Look, if you want to use not confirming as some kind of sh!t test to see how high her interest level is, I can see that.

If you are afraid that confirming will make you look overeager, weak, needy, or desperate, then that's just stupid.

I confirm usually 24 hours prior to the date. If I schedule a date within 24 hours, then I do not confirm.

Yeah, that makes sense. Whether or not I call to confirm something has a lot to do with how far in advance it was scheduled. And I'm not just talking about dates here, it could be for a group get together or whatever.

Like you say, if you've scheduled something a week in advance with a girl you barely know, chances are fair she's going to be nervous about it and think "Well, he hasn't contacted me since last week, I guess there's no reason for me to show up, he either forgot about it or lost interest". Because you know there are guy here who will try to "game" her by never initiating contact between dates. Which is not the way I do things generally, but obviously some do.

 

[pete101]

on a side note, i'm for tonight with the HB (unless she flakes last minute of course haha.. but i dont think that's happening) will report back how well it goes.

 

[pdx1138]

It is very rare that a woman will show up without some sort of communication prior to a date. If you schedule a date one week in advance, then simply show up at a location without corresponding at any point during that 7 day period, it's extremely unlikely she shows up. What's more likely going to occur, is if she has high interest, SHE will contact YOU.

thats been my experience as well.

 

[pete101]

^^^This is an EXCELLENT final reply. If no answer from her. You don't bother leaving. If an excuse. No reply. If she's going or there. Then you leave.^^^


As for Pete101: I'm curious to see the chicks profile link added to this thread. (If she never shows.) and or your profile link so we can see your pics. (If you feel like it.) I would definitely like to see her profile link in this thread. I'm pretty good at telling fake profiles.

Pete, How do you know the chick in the profile pictures is really her? How do you know it's not someone using another chicks pics? Has she texted you a pic of her? Have you spoken to her or just texted?

It could be some whacko who's getting off on fvcking with in his mind "chumps" due to his own lack of success on POF.

Pete, You never know dude. You could be driving yourself insane over a FAKE profile with some nutjob playing a joke on random dudes with a burn phone.

Has anyone else seen the chicks profile Pete is talking about?

i'm pretty sure she's genuine, her profile appears that way and is congruent with her behavior and the way she writes.. could well be a fake.. i'll report back tonight. we're on so we'll see.

i did however send a confirmation text basically saying when and where we're meeting, i purposely last week didn't give those exact details when we agreed for tonight a week ago so i could do this.. tbh if i left it she prob would have confirmed with me today, who knows.

 

[pete101]

what i find really interesting on here is that there is divided opinion about whether to confirm or not. some say yes some say no. i actually agree with both arguments and the reasonings.

however in my situation i rather not waste the gas money going into town to be stood up.

the thing is.. if she flakes when you confirm the date then she wasn't that interested anyway and you gave her an easy out.. if you dont is that going to make her show up if she's on the fence?

 

[alpha_ash]

The difference between confirm and not confirm depends on the person. If you are AFC and keep making excuses for girls then don't confirm. If you are a player and next a girl immediately then confirm because that shortens the time spent on a girl if she is going to flake at the last minute anyway.

AFC need stronger evidence that she isn't interested for them to get over it. I personally don't confirm anymore and that's a sign of progression.