to confirm or not to confirm?

[NewAndImproved]

Interesting thread. I, too, can see both sides. I think in my earlier days I did need a hard "NO." Anything else and I'd still hang on to hope. That would FINALLY come in the form of being stood up or expressing my feelings and the girl friendzoning me.

Nowadays, I shoot the girl a text a few hours before, either moving the date back/up by 20 minutes or some other logistics-relating statement. If she doesn't seem disappointed and/or comes up with an excuse w/o a counteroffer, that's all the no I need.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

if she flakes when you confirm the date then she wasn't that interested anyway and you gave her an easy out.. if you don't is that going to make her show up if she's on the fence?

I equate a lot of dating to the way sales works. I did Cutco knives sales for a couple of summers, and had to spend lots of time figuring out ways to make a customer like you and your product enough to buy it. By the time I finally stopped selling them, I had sold well over $12,000 worth of knives in the 3 months I worked there - pretty good considering I was kinda lazy and only did 4 presentations a week.

The difference between me and some of the other sales people who were less successful? 2 things: one, I always asked for the order; and two, once they said "yes" I shut up until they actually wrote the check and gave me the money.

Now, some of the other people in the field were better sales people than me - they could talk a lot better, be more friendly, etc. Heck, they might even ask for the sale and have the customer say "yes, I'll buy." But, at the last minute, you know what they'd do? They'd ask the customer one last time: "So, are you suuuuure you want to get the knives today?" And the customer would stop, think about it for a second, say "hmm, now that I think about it, I don't think I should get them today," and leave the seller without a sale.

This is essentially what you're doing when you call/text a girl to re-confirm a date. If she already said "yes," you've made the sale; however, when you call her the day of to make sure she's going to show you, you're basically giving off the vibe of "are you suuuuuuure you want to go out with me?" A girl can subconsciously read the vibes of doubt you're giving off, and think to herself: "Hmmm, SHOULD I go out with this guy? Now that I think about it, I might not end up liking him... I don't think I should go out with him today."

You have to be confident at every step of the dating process. Re-confirming does not make you look confident. Now, if she's the one that ends up contacting YOU to re-confirm, that's fine - girls are allowed to show a little self-doubt, plus if she's reaching out to YOU she can't be rejecting you, which means there's a better chance of her showing up. As for YOU, the man, you don't need to do this. If anything, you need to get her into the habit of realizing that you're a man that does what he says. Trust me, after a couple of dates where you set it up days in advance and you show up at the designated place at the agreed upon time, she'll stop worrying about you not reconfirming because she'll know you'll show up.

 

[Purefilth]

^^^Always assume the sale. Dont try to second guess yourself.

Hence the "We're going out to ABC at XYZ would monday or wednesday be better for you?"

There are no questions. you assume she will go with you. You assume she will show.
Once its confirmed its best not to question it.

Sorry ill be late.

Thats if you really feel the need to confirm with her. But it doesnt put you in the unsure/needy category. It puts you in the "I'm a busy guy" Category.

Hamster starts up and...."whats so important that he would be late for MEEEE??!!?!?!?!"

Either way you save time if she flakes on that message.

 

[zekko]

Unlike everybody else here apparently, I don't see confirming or not confirming as a "game" issue. It's simply a matter of courtesy or social calibration. A lot of people like to have confirmation, particularly if something has been planned a while in advance. You can see this from the posts where women are contacting the guys for confirmation when they haven't provided it.

however in my situation i rather not waste the gas money going into town to be stood up.

That's the question, what's more important to you? Running your sh!t test on her to guage her interest level? Or the gas and time you might waste getting stood up? And actually, if she doesn't show up, that may not be such an indicator of interest level, it may be that she is just shy or timid. Confirming can give a gentle push in the right direction.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

...And actually, if she doesn't show up, that may not be such an indicator of interest level, it may be that she is just shy or timid. Confirming can give a gentle push in the right direction.

Yeah... I'm gonna have to disagree with you on this one. These aren't deer we're hunting, where a slight movement is going to suddenly scare them away. Even a shy/timid girl who has high interest and manners in general will show up for a date vs. not showing up at all. This is what we men have been made to believe might be a reason for a girl flaking last minute, but in reality it just means she has low interest.

Think about how much sense that statement does NOT make. You meet a girl, she's shy yet able to talk when she's around you. And so, you ask her to meet up for coffee or dinner and she says yes. The last thing she's going to want to do, if she likes you, is make a bad impression by flaking out on you. So, despite how nervous she might be, she's not going to go home, pick out a dress, shower, spend time and effort on make up, take a look at herself in the mirror and suddenly go:

"Oh, but I'm too shy! What if I mess the date up! I can't do that... I know: I'll not show up at all! He'll still know that I like him, but he'll understand I'm just shy! That'll make him want to ask me out again for sure!!" :crackup:

Dumb, dumb, dumb. Stop buying women's lies and excuses, fellas - if they flake, it ain't 'cause they're shy or because you forgot to re-confirm. It's because they didn't put enough importance on the date (i.e. YOU) to show up OR remember it.

 

[zekko]

Really, I don't think this stuff is that important. I don't think you're going to win or lose a girl because you confirmed, or because you didn't confirm. Although there is a slight chance you may lose her if you don't confirm, because she may not show up.

Shoot, I live with my girlfriend, and I might say to her "Don't forget we have whatever planned for Thursday" lol. This is more of a life question than a "game" question IMO.

What's more likely going on in her mind is: "I haven't talked to him in 5 days, he probably doesn't like me that much or forgot about the date. It was POF for Chrissake, I don't even really know him. I'm not going to waste my time by going to some bar date we set 5 days ago even though I said I would.

Right, the point I was making about the girl being shy is that her social anxiety makes it that much easier for her to talk herself out of it. As I a formerly shy person, I can understand that. It's probably true that if her interest is 100%, she is going to show up regardless. But what if her interest is 75%? 60%? At some point her shyness may overcome her interest level, especially if she starts having doubts about the date since you never confirmed.

 

[Naughty Ninja]

i'm pretty sure she's genuine, her profile appears that way and is congruent with her behavior and the way she writes.. could well be a fake.. i'll report back tonight. we're on so we'll see.

i did however send a confirmation text basically saying when and where we're meeting, i purposely last week didn't give those exact details when we agreed for tonight a week ago so i could do this.. tbh if i left it she prob would have confirmed with me today, who knows.

Since you seem emotionally wrapped up in a chick you've NEVER met...

IF....IF she never replies and doesn't show. (IF you want to bust her balls for a last and final text IF she never gets back to you or shows up.)

Wait a FEW days then send her a text out of the blue using ANOTHER girls name saying something like: "Damn last night was hot for a first meet (Maria). I'll think about that threesome suggestion you mentioned with your girlfriend. Talk to you soon babe. "

And leave it at that. If she replies (the chick who didn't reply or show) then just respond: Ooops! Sorry! and leave it at that.


I personally wouldn't bother with the chick ever again if she doesn't show. But just a parting shot idea IF you feel like it after a few days.

Just keep spamming new chicks. You're going to have to learn. And I think it's going to be the hard way with these online chicks.

 

[pete101]

ok an update, so we met. didn't seem like there was much chemistry.

i think you're right naughty ninja, she didn't like the look of my pics hence no physical attraction.

the topic of how many women have i met and guys she met off pof came up.. she tells me she's seen 3-4 guys from there but nothing was there and they're friends, could be BS.. then she goes 'but i really wanted to meet you.. blah blah' all the while im thinking wtf.. so you have time to meet 3-4 other guys yet you give me some lame excuse changing and cancelling all the time etc.. clearly never really that interested in the first place.

i found out she lives much further away like ther other side of town it'd take me like an hour and half to drive there.. doesnt seem worth it unless im getting guaranteed sex. she deleted her profile after new years.. she probably just wanted a new years fvck and that's it.. i might have made the mistake of saying 'do i sound like how i do in text in person?' she said i was more c0cky in text and that's what made her want to meet her.. i took the more modest approach on the date and wasn't c0cky or funny enough then i think i ended up trying to qualify myself saying i'm usually really c0cky but it's a first date and didn't want to seem too arrogant so i played it down.

i probably should have gone for a kiss close outside or escalated prior to kissing her bye at the station.

tbh she lives so far away i dont really see the point of trying to follow this up, with someone i can only see on weekends.

ah well, lesson learned. i doubt i'll get a 'thank u for a lovely time' text later.. feel very much friendzoned.

 

[Naughty Ninja]

Pete101: ok an update, so we met. didn't seem like there was much chemistry.

i think you're right naughty ninja, she didn't like the look of my pics hence no physical attraction.

Doesn’t matter.

1)You got a reply.

2)You actually had a meet.

Take small steps at first. Keep spamming more chicks.

the topic of how many women have i met and guys she met off pof came up.. she tells me she's seen 3-4 guys from there but nothing was there and they're friends, could be BS.. then she goes 'but i really wanted to meet you.. blah blah' all the while im thinking wtf.. so you have time to meet 3-4 other guys yet you give me some lame excuse changing and cancelling all the time etc.. clearly never really that interested in the first place.

Why should you care? Do you place all your value in a random stranger because she’s “pretty”? You shouldn’t. She was interested enough to reply and meet you no?

i found out she lives much further away like ther other side of town it'd take me like an hour and half to drive there.. doesnt seem worth it unless im getting guaranteed sex. she deleted her profile after new years.. she probably just wanted a new years fvck and that's it.. i might have made the mistake of saying 'do i sound like how i do in text in person?' she said i was more c0cky in text and that's what made her want to meet her.. i took the more modest approach on the date and wasn't c0cky or funny enough then i think i ended up trying to qualify myself saying i'm usually really c0cky but it's a first date and didn't want to seem too arrogant so i played it down.

You shouldn’t care even IF you were guaranteed sex. If you keep coming off as desperate even if you’re guaranteed sex the chicks on that site will run you into the ground insane as you are far too emotional and caring about random STRANGERS who are online “dating”. Get the fantasy “perfect” visions out of your head. Don’t fall in love with pictures. I’m telling you the chicks online are on the site for a reason. They “may” be looking for a boyfriend but they AREN’T just sitting around not “sampling” dudes on there. You have to treat the whole experience as learning and have fun with it. If you find it’s getting you down on women and or too emotional over random strangers…DELETE your account, or hide it and meet more chicks in real life then use it when you have your thoughts in a more confident mode. Your mind is running too wild in your last quoted post above second guessing everything and dreaming up every scenario about the chick. STOP IT.

Let me put it to you this way. This is what you have to accept and not care about with online “dating”. Say the SAME chick (you met) I spam first. We meet. She thinks I’m an a-hole. Nothing works out. Incognito spams her next then meets her and gets a BJ and they never talk again. Then YOU spam her something and meet her and you have mind blowing sex and you both can’t wait to see each other again. Then she’s back online and Atom Smasher spams her. They meet and start dating. They break up a month later. She’s back online meeting and doing God knows what with other dudes. Point is. They will do that over and over to multiple dudes. You just simply have to take everyone and everything on there with a grain of salt. If not you’re going to soon be committed to a cuckoo bird mental aviary.

i probably should have gone for a kiss close outside or escalated prior to kissing her bye at the station.

You can try that with the next one.

tbh she lives so far away i dont really see the point of trying to follow this up, with someone i can only see on weekends.

ah well, lesson learned. i doubt i'll get a 'thank u for a lovely time' text later.. feel very much friendzoned.

Why would you care whether or not you’re “friends” with a random stranger online? Seriously.

What you need to try doing is on your next meet. Even before the meet. You need to think of it as you aren’t meeting the “pretty” chick in the pictures. Think of her as like you are just going to meet someone you already know, like to hang out with and have a good time. You need to focus on that to calm yourself and not come across as needing their “acceptance”. Think of anyone you know who is just a cool person. Make yourself think you are going to meet and hang out with them as if this chick you are going to meet for the first time you’ve known for a long time. If that works for you keep doing that till you don’t have to focus like that but meeting these chicks comes effortlessly to you. You have to get your focus off that nervousness and need for acceptance by thinking of them as someone cool you already know and are just going to be meeting up with them to hang out and have a good time. If you come off like that instead of nervous or needy chicks will pick up on that and you’ll be able to start being more smooth in dealing with the chicks you meet.

Try spamming this new message out to chicks:

Can we skip our first meet and just go straight to the wedding chapel? We'll decide our honeymoon plans over the phone. I promise not to hit on our bridesmaids! :angel: Pete =)