Think I took it too far

[mrksmpsn124]

I think I took this whole Don Juan thing a little far. This girl and I had a thing for about 9 months. About a month ago she told me she was bored with us which scared me. After doing some googling about how to keep her from getting bored I eventually found this website and started applying the advice I was reading on here.

However, I think I took the whole being a Don Juan thing a little far. I don't know if I misunderstood it or what, but I tried doing things like not always being available for her, or when she cancelled on hanging out I would tell her I was busy till later in the week. At first I thought it was working when she would complain about how I was acting differently and that it frustrated her. I think the problem may have been that a lot of this advice is when you're still trying to get the girl, not when she's already told you she loves you.

I say this because today she told me she was exhausted and stressed from us always arguing and that she's not happy with us anymore and so she asked if we could take a break from things until she figured out what she wanted. I tried my best to refrain from trying to convince her otherwise as I read on here that it doesn't work. So instead I told her I couldn't talk to her anymore if we were taking any sort of break.

I'm worried that me trying to act like a Don Juan is what ended this. She cited my acting differently in the last month as a big reason as to why she's been unhappy. Is there anything I can do? What should I do?

 

[mrksmpsn124]

Basically what I'm saying is I think instead of being a Don Juan and a challenge I was just being a bad boyfriend and a ****. Am I wrong? Anything I can do?

 

[Daily Insanity]

Being a DJ and being a total a$$ are two different things. Treat your women with respect, if you're busy your busy if not your not. She didn't deserve this dude.

 

[VladPatton]

But would she of still chosen this route if you were an aṣṣ kissing puṣṣy? Most likely. This girl was most likely "bored" with you [as you stated] way before you found any of the ideas on this website. Sometimes things just don't work out.

If you want to experiment, just abandon everything we talk about here and see how it goes. If it works for you, fine, then all of us, through all our experiences and age groups, are dead wrong. What are the odds of that?

I am willing to bet she wasn't the girl for you from day one of you getting her number. Hang in there, this is a learning experience, and adjust your ways to each girl as needed, there is no blanket policy for every chick.

 

[Greasy Pig]

About a month ago she told me she was bored with us which scared me.

What did SHE do to try and not be bored? Why did it have to be you to seek answers and take action? Did she make an effort to make the relationship work?

This wasn't constructive criticism or a gentle hint. She didn't say: "I'd like us to do more stuff together."
Or, "Instead of hanging out at the pizza joint like we do every night, why don't we go to a salsa night?'
No. All she did was whinge and moan.
She threw you a shyt test and you failed miserably. I know your heart was in the right place but you went about it all wrong.

A woman who simply says she's bored with the relationship is telling you she wants to break up with you. She's not offering solutions or alternatives, she's just making a very selfish statement.
In that situation, a DJ would just wish her the best and walk. He might try to prise out of her what the root problem is but deep down he knows she's just lost interest.
A true DJ knows how to keep interest levels high and he has a fun and fulfilling life outside of the relationship. That way, if his woman says she's bored, he knows that it's highly unlikely that it's genuinely something he's doing wrong and that she's just throwing a shyt test or she wants to break up with him.

I don't blame you for implementing some of the teachings here.
Making yourself less available and withdrawing your attention are two of the cornerstones of DJ theory.
But I think those two tenets are only effective on women who still have some interest in making the relationship work or who still have some interest in you.
An interested woman will notice you withdrawing and act to not let you get away.
A woman with zero interest in you will simply break up with you, as what happened to you.

And you're right, relationship game is different to PUA game, but the big difference is learning how to maintain interest over a long period.
You should be able to find some internet references to 'relationship game' and some on here as well.
Onward and upward, my man!

 

[zinc4]

Basically what I'm saying is I think instead of being a Don Juan and a challenge I was just being a bad boyfriend and a ****. Am I wrong? Anything I can do?

when she said she was bored, it was already over, too late for anything really...and yes, playing games in a relationship is acting like an a$$

 

[zekko]

If you want to experiment, just abandon everything we talk about here and see how it goes. If it works for you, fine, then all of us, through all our experiences and age groups, are dead wrong. What are the odds of that?

The amount of bullsh!t that passes through this forum is absolutely staggering. Posters will claim that women are attracted to @ssholes, but then a thread like this is posted, and everybody is all "Dude! Why are you being an @ss?". Everyone claims women are attracted to dark triad traits like sociopathy and narcissism, but when a poster comes along acting like a narcissistic sociopath everyone wants to throw his off the forum. Guys claim that women are attracted to players, but in the same breath tell you to hide the fact that you are a player.

Regarding the OP, most relationships don't last very long. It's almost impossible to say if this breakup is the result of something you did or if it would have happened anyway. My money is on the latter.

However, there is a saying around here that goes something like "If you attracted her by being a certain way, don't change how you act". Usually guys quote this to advise you to continue being scarce or indifferent. But apparently this girl liked you okay, then you changed and started trying to act "DJ", maybe you did overdo it.

 

[GotED?]

THE GOLDEN RULE YOU MISSED WAS......

**** You can never RE-ESTABLISH your DJ and FRAME if you never started the relationship WITH IT *****


It is like when a woman is used to being fed on a golden platter for months, would she suddenly like getting that golden platter switched to a silver platter, or even a bronze platter??


It is VERY DIFFICULT to re-establish a reframing in an ongoing relationship if you didn't start with it.

Good luck next time.

With respect,

Exodus

 

[SJ413]

I think I took this whole Don Juan thing a little far. This girl and I had a thing for about 9 months. About a month ago she told me she was bored with us...

Man, I've been there several times. I'm willing to bet her lifestyle was otherwise boring, and you were her source of entertainment. There's not a whole lot you can do about that if she is unwilling to help, ie "we" was nowhere in her vocabulary.

It was over at that point, like I said, has happened to me several times. She just needed a.good excuse to get out, and by damn, she found one. Move on my man, you will certainly have better things come your way.

 

[playa99]

First things first... The best thing for you to do is forget this relationship and move on, from her saying she was "bored with you" a month ago was the end right there!

You may have been an 4ss out of fear, if you go back, you will end up back to square one, dumped again. Trust me on this, i've been there, finished with a girl for a number of reasons.. ive read all the material, thought my girl was different and things could change when we got back together shortly after.. They didn't, I ended up being dumped again, and now months later I look back and wonder why I wasted my time being with someone like here in the first place!

If you were cancelling on her and being a challenge to try and save the relationship and play games to keep her interested.. This is not being a Don Juan, you were acting out to save a relationship, nothing wrong with that, ive been there and got that T-shirt to! However it isn't the right thing to do!

If you were genuinely busy, developing your life, improving yourself and recognizing that women are just one part of a healthy, happy and successful life and taking the steps to do that... You were being a Don Juan and that change would frighten a woman whose only seen you as an AFC. That would change the relationship.

Only you know the reason behind why you were acting the way you were acting... If your motive was to become a Don Juan to keep this girl and that alone, you need to realize that you need to do this for you.. No one else.

 

[zinc4]

The amount of bullsh!t that passes through this forum is absolutely staggering. Posters will claim that women are attracted to @ssholes, but then a thread like this is posted, and everybody is all "Dude! Why are you being an @ss?". Everyone claims women are attracted to dark triad traits like sociopathy and narcissism, but when a poster comes along acting like a narcissistic sociopath everyone wants to throw his off the forum. Guys claim that women are attracted to players, but in the same breath tell you to hide the fact that you are a player.

Regarding the OP, most relationships don't last very long. It's almost impossible to say if this breakup is the result of something you did or if it would have happened anyway. My money is on the latter.

However, there is a saying around here that goes something like "If you attracted her by being a certain way, don't change how you act". Usually guys quote this to advise you to continue being scarce or indifferent. But apparently this girl liked you okay, then you changed and started trying to act "DJ", maybe you did overdo it.

Point is the frame was never there in the first place so it was wayyyyyy too late to try and "act" like a DJ....you can't replace absent frame with the same woman...just can't be done unless maybe you become a wealthy celebrity overnight.

 

[JohnChops]

The amount of bullsh!t that passes through this forum is absolutely staggering. Posters will claim that women are attracted to @ssholes, but then a thread like this is posted, and everybody is all "Dude! Why are you being an @ss?". Everyone claims women are attracted to dark triad traits like sociopathy and narcissism, but when a poster comes along acting like a narcissistic sociopath everyone wants to throw his off the forum. Guys claim that women are attracted to players, but in the same breath tell you to hide the fact that you are a player.

Regarding the OP, most relationships don't last very long. It's almost impossible to say if this breakup is the result of something you did or if it would have happened anyway. My money is on the latter.

However, there is a saying around here that goes something like "If you attracted her by being a certain way, don't change how you act". Usually guys quote this to advise you to continue being scarce or indifferent. But apparently this girl liked you okay, then you changed and started trying to act "DJ", maybe you did overdo it.

Zekko you missed something, only girls who have underlying issues are attracted to a true *******. We all know being a don isn't about being an ******* it's about just not taking stupid sh1t from women and keeping frame so we don't fall into any traps or tests etc.

 

[zekko]

Zekko you missed something, only girls who have underlying issues are attracted to a true *******.

I agree with what you are saying but I think there is a significant portion of the forum that thinks otherwise. Anyway:
Why would we be interested in women with underlying issues? Seems like pickup forums cater mainly to these types of girls. When I see a woman who has issues (and they're not that difficult to identify), I immediately disqualify them.

 

[mrksmpsn124]

I'm weak. After no contact for only a couple of hours I cracked after she called and texted me over and over. I answered and told her I was upset and that I didn't want to talk. She sent me 8 more texts so I replied again. Eventually after trying to resist, it turned into a conversation and we ended up meeting in person and I listened to what she had to say.

She told me she had thrown up twice, and broke down crying in the bathroom at the basketball game with her girlfriends because she was so upset with herself for ending it and also hurting me. She then told me she didn't know what she was thinking earlier when she ended it and that I was the only person she wants to be with. She then begged me to forgive her for what had happened and if we could try and work things out.

Me being weak, I said yes and ended up spending the night at her place.
I know I probably did the wrong thing by taking her back but I guess I just hope that this whole thing was a sort of wake up call for her.

 

[JoeMarron]

This should be a wake up call for you. You need to start planning your exit strategy. Use the new stuff that youre learning on other chicks. Dont invest too much in this relationship anymore.

 

[Night-hawk]

THE GOLDEN RULE YOU MISSED WAS......

It is VERY DIFFICULT to re-establish a reframing in an ongoing relationship if you didn't start with it.

Exodus

Right.

Being able to reframe, you could say, involves interrupting patterns of thinking that have been running one way...by getting them to run another way, without clashing with each other. As well, re-framing is a two way street...where her patterns need to be interrupted as well. For example, if you haven't previously acted like an '*******' and really experienced how far you could go while incorporating dj behaviours, and seeing how she responded in good favor to them...then you aren't going to have a strong reference to change your beliefs, state, and operate from a new frame later on with her, without her being iffy about you. This is because you have't given her a frame of reference that will trigger previously anchored to feelings to when you were an '*******' so in her mind she says, 'hey, I remember when I first met him that when he did such and such *******, dj behaviour I remember things turned out ok, and I know he is a good guy but he doesn't take **** from me and so maybe instead of acting like a ***** to him I will contact him, be sweet, and he will give me a shot again.'

This goes to show why you question 'I think I have gone to far'...because you previously haven't tested how far is. Many guys can easily brush off as no big deal what other guys think is 'haven gone too far'.

Too note as well, when your girl is coming back to you ass crying and hysterical...you must use such times to set even more solid frames and anchors with her.

 

[Daily Insanity]

Let's meet and work this out. You see this BS so many goddamn times over and over and over again it's sickening. You see it in the young and older generation. It's all bullshlt for people to figure out why they can't do without him or her, YOU can't figure out shlt if you keep talking about the same damn issue over and over again. MOVE ON, your time with this chick has passed and stop trying to be a DJ, be a man and find a woman worth it who wont drag your a$$ to a coffee shop to talk about how much she puked and how much she loves you. If it's over YOU'LL KNOW IT. Follow your gut kid.

Needed to let my anger out.

 

[zekko]

IMe being weak, I said yes and ended up spending the night at her place.
I know I probably did the wrong thing by taking her back but I guess I just hope that this whole thing was a sort of wake up call for her.

Do what you want, but if I know anything, it's this: Once you have a breakup like that, even if you get back together, you WILL be breaking up again. What starts out as a crack becomes a gaping fissure.

 

[Mr. Bond]

Do what you want, but if I know anything, it's this: Once you have a breakup like that, even if you get back together, you WILL be breaking up again. What starts out as a crack becomes a gaping fissure.

Agreed.

As everyone who knows their stuff said earlier, it was over as soon as she said she was bored. Odds are very high she will dump you again. Do not invest much into this girl. Be prepared for it to end. Start looking for other women.

 

[coochieman]

It is unfeasible to suddenly "kick start" a DOMINANT FRAME in the midst of an established relationship where the male has inexcusably abdicated such prerequisite from the first "hi". That ship has sailed far away likewise your goose fully cooked. Female will be spooked and male shall be punished by female for even harboring such a thought albeit he is fully spot-on.

Better late than never. Your tardy swagger just came early enough for the next woman.

Save time and move on now. Or, move on later.

GO DJ.