Lishy said:
The OP never mentioned discussing your weaknesses and fears ... He simply said COMMUNICATE!
Ah, but that's the rub now isn't it?
WHAT you communicate is ever so much more important than that you do. You see, it's real easy to drop the Dr. Phil prognosis and say things like "just be yourself and the right ONE will come along eventually" or "open communication is essential to any relationship", but the problems arise in the practice. These are just simple truisms that sound like wisdom, and are supposed to be reassuring, but the funny thing is there are thousands of couples in marriage counseling right now who have no problem
talking to one another - it's what they're talking about that's at issue. Obviously communication is an important facility in a relationship, but a guy can
communicate all day long about how he'd like his spouse to put out more and it wont make her any more horny to do so. Communication isn't a means to an end, it's only a facilitator.
What men need to understand is that both sexes communicate differently, accept that and work with it instead of against it. In study after study it's been proven that women have a far greater, inborn capacity for language and communication than do men. While more than a few women like to wear this as a badge of some kind of superiority, it doesn't necessarily mean that what they communicate is more important, or how they communicate it is more efficient, just that they have a greater capacity to understand nuances of communication better than do men.
Men have a natural tendency to be OVERT in their communication. We say what we mean and we mean what we say. Our focus in communicating tends to be on the information or the content of what is being communicated. We prefer the deductive in our reasoning, but that's not to say we can't understand implied meanings - it's simply not what we default to in communications.
Women on the other hand opt for COVERT communication. Her focus is on the context of what is being communicated, the feeling implied with the message. And again that isn't to say the content is unimportant, but rather not the primary focus as a default.
This disconnect in communication preference is one of the primary reasons men and women become frustrated with each other. Women see men as simplistic and blunt whereas men see women as fickle, indecisive and at worst duplicitous when they don't get their implied meanings. we call them crazy.
Women are crazy, crazy like foxes. Covert communication frustrates us every bit as much as overt communication frustrates women. Our language has no art to it for them, that's why we seem dumb or simple at best. This is the same reason we think of feminine communication as being obfuscating, confusing, even random. The difference is that our confusion and frustration is put to their ultimate use. So long as women remain unknowable, random, irrational creatures that men can't hope to understand (but can always excuse), they can operate unhindered towards their goals. "Silly boy, you'll never understand women, just give up" is exactly the M.O. Once you accept this she's earned a lifetime of get-out-of-jail-free cards. The myth of the 'Feminine Mystique' is entirely dependent upon this covert communication.
Now as Men we'll say "Evil, immoral, manipulative woman! Shape up and do the right thing, saying one thing then doing another makes you a hypocrite!" and of course this is our rational nature overtly making itself heard and exposing a woman's covert communication. An appeal to morality, that'll get her, but,..it doesn't. This is because women instinctively know that their sexuality is their first, best agency, and covert communication is the best method to utilize it. The very fact that the truism of "just communicate and you'll have a good relationship" is a testament to this when men will parrot it back as some affirmation that they're on board with women's communicative style.
Have you ever been in a social setting, maybe a party or something, with a GF or even a woman you may be dating and seemingly out of the blue she says to you privately, "ooh, did you see the dirty look that b!tch just gave me?!" You were right their in her physical presence, saw the girl she was talking about, yet didn't register a thing. Women's natural preference for covert communication is recognizable by as early as 5 years old. They prefer to fight in the psychological, whereas boys fight in the physical. Within their own peer group, little girls fight for dominance with the threat of ostricization from the group. "I wont be your friend anymore if,.." is just as much a threat to a girl as "I'm gonna punch you in the face if,.." is to a boy. This dynamic becomes much more complex as girls enter puberty, adolescence and adulthood, yet they still use the same psychological mode of combat. Their covert way of communicating this using innuendo, body language, appearance, subcommunications, gestures, etc., conveys far more information than our overt, all on the table, way of communicating does. It may seem more efficient to us as Men, but our method doesn't serve the same purpose.
I'm fond of saying 'let a woman's imagination work for you', but this is really a reversal of what women have been doing for ages - covertly giving men just enough information to spark their imaginations. When an AFC vomits out his life's story all over the restaurant table on a first date, calls her incessantly to drone on for hours and then gets LJBFed, this is really little more than a conflict of communication methodologies. He wants to solve his problem of needing sex and does so by overtly blurting out as much information as he can to meet her approval - since he of course believes that women want complete disclosure and openess from the start (yet another fatal miscommunication). He can't help it. He's only using his natural deductive reasoning to solve his problem and coveys it overtly.
She on the other hand enjoys the communication more than the information being transferred. It's not a problem to be solved, it's the communication itself that's of primary importance. When our AFC supplies her with everything all at once she thinks, yeah, the mystery is gone, he's not a challenge anymore, why would she be interested? This is true, but the reason that intrigue is gone is because there's no more potential for stimulating that need for communication or her imagination.
Lastly I should add that women are not above using overt communication when it serves their purposes. When a woman comes out and says something in a fashion so as to leave no margin for misinterpretation, you can bet she's been pushed to that point out of either fear or sheer exasperation when her covert methods wont work. "Can we just be friends?" is a covert rejection, "Get away from me you creep!!" is an overt rejection. When a woman opts for the overt, rest assured, she's out of covert ideas. This is an easy example of this, but when a woman cries on you, screams at you, or issues an ultimatum to you she is powerless to the point of having to come over to your way of communicating.
Likewise, men can and do master the art of covert communications as well. Great politicians, military generals, businessmen, salesmen to be sure, and of course master PUAs all use covert communications to achieve their goals. It's incorrect to think of covert communication as dishonest or amoral, or even in a moral context. It's a means to an end, just as overt communication is a means to an end, and that end whether decided by men or women is what's ethical or unethical.
