The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[BeTheChange]

By all means seek it but it happens when it happens. I agree with what I think Gaysha means.

It "happens when it happens". This fatalistic mentality is corrosive to the idea of taking action. Pursue what you desire when you feel you are ready. If action implies desperation that's more to do with your own method of dating. One can desire something without desperately pursuing, in fact as a DJ seduction can often involve a huge element of passivity.

We all desire a mate, otherwise why are we on this site. We will just have to respectfully disagree.

 

[Gaysha]

Yes, I wanted to say don't do it DESPERATELY because other people will feel you are clingy and in so much need of love and appreciation.
I don't mean to just wait someone to come, be active but don't give it too much meaning.
You know how I met the girl I'm currently dating? I came back to a gay dating site, just to cut time. She sent me a message and said how she's in my city in a couple of days so we can meet up.
10 minutes before our first date I sent a message to my friend "I don't want a relationship and nothing that has to do with it, next few months are just for me, but of course I'll hook up with someone if I like them". 10 minutes later there she is, I liked her the very first moment.
And now when we are dating, I don't think too much what will happen in the future, I just enjoy our time together and continue to grow as a person.

 

[BeTheChange]

^
You went on a gay dating site. By my definition that constitutes taking action to pursue finding a new partner. Perhaps we are not in disagreement after all.

 

[xstang77]

Guys, I'm at a low In my life and I've been contemplating whether or not to post a thread about it hear for knowledgeable insight,at the same time I don't wanna sound like a *****,my bpd ex has left my life in shambles and I'm really just depressed all the time,idk if I should reach out on this site or if someone can pm me maybe..I'm just at a crossroad.

 

[Asmodeus]

Guys, I'm at a low In my life and I've been contemplating whether or not to post a thread about it hear for knowledgeable insight,at the same time I don't wanna sound like a *****,my bpd ex has left my life in shambles and I'm really just depressed all the time,idk if I should reach out on this site or if someone can pm me maybe..I'm just at a crossroad.

We can talk about it here... Or post a thread. But I think many here on the no-contact-challenge may understand and perhaps sympathize with your plight (me notwithstanding of course). There are those here who may have experienced the same as you, and others who may have knowledge and wisdom to help you in this conundrum.

Let it out, release it. Catharsis. That is the very basis of psychotherapy when it is distilled down to its purist essence. It is not weakness to confront a problem, it is not weakness to release it and confront it. It is weakness if you let it stay inside you corroding you because you are too afraid to talk about it or deal with it.

So we are here and listening... Say what you are feeling and perhaps you will find that insight you seek. At the very least it will be catharsis.

 

[xstang77]

Is it okay on this thread due to it being so long/briefly describing my life and past events up to this point?

 

[Asmodeus]

Well... Try to focus on the most important parts of your relationship with her so that we can make better sense of it. But this thread is already 480+ pages long and many have already described their experiences with their ex so go ahead.

Unless you are afraid to post it... Fear is weakness, do not give in to it.

 

[xstang77]

Well here is a brief background leading up to it. I grew up with an absent father figure aside from weekends where he was physically abusive,lots of yelling and violence/turbulent childhood,due to this I initially believe I had narcissistic tendencies and I was with my first ltr for 4.5 years, a week before my hs graduation my father gotten into a fight with my mother and I stood up to him and almost got shot in the process,I was then kicked out and supporting me and my girl on 20 dollars a day with no real home,then we end up getting an apartment together and 6 months later she leaves me and goes with another guy leaving me alone in the apartment we got, I was single for over a year involving heavy drinking and spinning lower quality women, I was craving a ltr low and behold I meet my ex bpd on pof it lasted 2 years with around 4 recycles,when she left again this past June I had an anxiety attack and tried to stop her from leaving etc. she called the cops on me saying I was suicidal and barricading her in (which I was not) she also turned the neighbors downstairs against me trying to have me arrested as well, luckily nothing came of it,a couple weeks later she starts the usual hoovers and fwb thing. Then one night before my vacation she comes over acts extremely lovey spends the night and promises to spend the week with me,4 days later she goes to the beach with another guy (I see pics) I posted on my fb "boy do I feel sorry for that guy/guys not my problem anymore,peace out. The next night she messages me "so what's good with your status?" This wa son July 6th and I didn't reply and have been nc since and there in a relationship and moving fast etc. she put me through horrible things which I think I have ptsd from. I've been trying to pull girls with no luck,the previous ex breakup I had friends I could hang with etc. this time I come home and smoke cigarettes and read and need to read about bpd once a day to not lose my mind,my friends have all moved and I feel like a prisoner in my own house but I fear moving etc.due to past stability fears. I'm 24,half decent looking and I have a decent job for my age and cars and my own apartment etc. again don't mean to drag on and I may be missing things but I just feel mega depressed and Empty even though it's been over for 2 months,would appreciate fellow dj advice.

 

[Asmodeus]

physically abusive,lots of yelling and violence/turbulent childhood,due to this I initially believe I had narcissistic tendencies

You are not narcissistic... Narcissistic people rarely see themselves as being at fault, being responsible, and rarely suffer from depression. A narcissistic person would not say he is just "decent looking" and be belittling himself so. I deal with cluster B all the time, including NPD. You do not exactly have these traits. I think your issue is not narcissistic personality... You did not have a real family as a child, you did not have stability. You CRAVE stability, you CRAVE love. You are the type of person who falls for cluster B cases. You are the antithesis of me, I like chaos and end relationships as if they mean nothing and I do not at all crave love from anyone. I am cluster B, you obliviously do not have any cluster-B traits. Your ex however, she is a classic case.

she called the cops on me saying I was suicidal and barricading her in (which I was not) she also turned the neighbors downstairs against me trying to have me arrested as well

Yeah she is a flat out screwball... This is her controlling you and manipulating you. She weaves lies and manipulations so that you stay under her control.

one night before my vacation she comes over acts extremely lovey spends the night and promises to spend the week with

This is called gaslighting and dousing. She fires you up, then she douses you. It is part of the cycle of abuse... It is a common trait in all Cluster B relationships.

she put me through horrible things which I think I have ptsd from.

And another common thing in cluster B relationships. She actually sounds more ASPD than BPD.... She seems to be manipulative and lack remorse.

things but I just feel mega depressed and Empty even though it's been over for 2 months

You sir are having chronic major depression... Perhaps you should consider some kind of therapy session with a psychologist. Your insurance (if you have some) should help to cover this.

You understand that she is toxic and pathologic. That her leaving you was the BEST thing that ever happened to you. If she stayed with you she would continue to erode you and hurt you. You are free from her. Now you just need to free your mind.

 

[Asmodeus]

've been trying to pull girls with no luck

It is the fear, the insecurity, the pain, it is toxic... It seeps into you, becomes part of you. Most communication is nonverbal. Other people can often understand more about your mental state by simply observing you than you do. Before you go out and pick up, you need to get in a positive mindset, and clear that poison that your ex has infected you with.

I would focus more on trying to recover, and try to rebuild yourself before going out and finding a woman. Do not try to replace her, do not look for someone to bring you flowers and complete you, plant your own garden and find your own completion. If you do not, then you risk making the same mistake again.

 

[xstang77]

Before my ex I was under the impression that I had narcissitic tendencies,but when I got with my bpd ex she killed that with me and I felt we had a trauma bond even from the begging,It's just my life is seriously so empty now,no friends just come home to an empty house and I don't really have the strength to get better,my sister is a therapist and I talk to her but it's just words really, my sister actually mentioned my ex having bpd and she's fit all the traits including that empty look
In her eyes when she'd split
Me black like I did the most horrible thing in the world to her,mind you she had an awful childhood and she can't keep jobs etc, aspd and bpd do overlap correct? My other question is with how we fell out and the fact that she has a new bf and the amount of time it's been is it safe to say there won't be another Hoover?

 

[Asmodeus]

Before my ex I was under the impression that I had narcissitic tendencies,but when I got with my bpd ex she killed that with me and I felt we had a trauma bond even from the begging,It's just my life is seriously so empty now,no friends just come home to an empty house and I don't really have the strength to get better,my sister is a therapist and I talk to her but it's just words really, my sister actually mentioned my ex having bpd and she's fit all the traits including that empty look
In her eyes when she'd split
Me black like I did the most horrible thing in the world to her,mind you she had an awful childhood and she can't keep jobs etc, aspd and bpd do overlap correct? My other question is with how we fell out and the fact that she has a new bf and the amount of time it's been is it safe to say there won't be another Hoover?

You are ruminating on her a lot... You need to release her from your system.

You even seem to feel bad for her... You mention her awful childhood, that she cannot keep jobs, ect... STOP. I guarantee you that she does not feel bad about you. You need to stop trying to make her into something she is not. She is a PARASITE, she HURT you, she may have possibly even found it FUN to see you SUFFER. She MANIPULATED you, she made you feel GUILTY when in reality it was always her who was pulling the strings.

Stop trying to humanize her, stop trying to see the good person in her that you believe is there but truly does not exist. Realize that she is a parasite, and that she will never change.

What do you do as a release? I am not talking about drinking or smoking... I am talking about a hobby... You need to re-discover yourself, you need to return to the person you were before you met her

 

[xstang77]

I'm working on me understanding of how she's a piece of garbage and due to grief there's times I'm filled with rage and literally hate her guts and want to expose what a ***** she is,but I know it's not worth my effort, at work I act fine etc. I can try to do some things but my life literally feels empty and lonely and I feel prisoner in my house due to the chaos she caused,I live in a small town where my reputation has been falsely trashed due to ex's so I literally come home and sit in my house every night,but I also fear change.

 

[Firestar786]

Day 30
Not heard from her
Well she might have called off a private number but that could be anyone lol. Normally by this stage I do hear from her
Going to assume she's gone totally and moved on with her life and plough ahead with my new month

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 24

Stopped caring about the break up last two days. No longer occupies my mind as it once did. As a test I consciously thought about my ex and the good times. Felt nothing. I'm bordering on indifference as to whether she ever comes back.

Italy is great. Visiting Pisa and Florence today. One more memory to add to the collection.

 

[NiceBarn]

It's been almost 3 months now. My thoughts and feelings still haven't changed much. I've made no contact. About a month ago I did get a snapchat from her, but it looked like it was sent to a group and not just me. My only thought is, "why was I included" because I deleted her a few months ago? Either way, I didn't respond. This sucks. Lol

 

[Asmodeus]

I'm working on me understanding of how she's a piece of garbage and due to grief there's times I'm filled with rage and literally hate her guts and want to expose what a ***** she is,but I know it's not worth my effort, at work I act fine etc. I can try to do some things but my life literally feels empty and lonely and I feel prisoner in my house due to the chaos she caused,I live in a small town where my reputation has been falsely trashed due to ex's so I literally come home and sit in my house every night,but I also fear change.

As I said, you FEAR instability and change. You fear it because your childhood was filled with instability. That is something you need to learn to get over...
I met a psychologist once, a very famous one... There was a video I saw him play about one of his older experiments. He built a large chamber filled with water. In the chamber there was one exit. In this chamber he put a rat... The rat would swim in the water and struggle until it found the exit. However, when a rat was held and restrained with its head just above the water until it stopped struggling and put in the water it did not do this... It stopped fighting for its own survival and drowned. Even when the rat was put very close to the exit it did not attempt to free itself... This is called learned helplessness. Learned helplessness is behavior typical of an organism (human or animal) that has endured repeated painful or otherwise aversive stimuli which it was unable to escape or avoid. After such experience, the organism often fails to learn escape or avoidance in new situations where such behavior would be effective.

Before you think I am just giving out a bunch of psychological mumbo jumbo you should watch this. Which shows the learned helplessness theory applied on a small scale.

Your childhood traumas coupled with your experience with a cluster B relationship has induced a type of learned helplessness in you. Cluster B people tend to do this, and it is why people stay with cluster B relationships even though they are toxic and highly abusive. The cycle of abuse, gaslighting/dousing, and all that manipulations you experience in the relationship with a cluster B person is designed to cause the induction of learned helplessness.

I can tell you how I treated my ex, and how I was inducing this in her... And even after we ended it, the lingering effects of it still remained and left her damaged...

 

[Asmodeus]

Learned Helplessness was discovered in 1965 by psychologist Martin Seligman while he was studying the behavior of dogs. In the experiment, which was designed to be a variation of Pavlov's famous "classical conditioning" experiment, Seligman restrained the dogs for some time in a hammock. Every time a sound was heard, the dog would receive an electrical shock. Later, the dogs were put in a confined box which they could easily jump out of. Seligman wanted to see if the dogs would have learned to jump out of the box when they heard the sound to escape the shocks. What surprised him was that the dogs just lay there and did not try to escape.

What Seligman had discovered was that the dogs had "learned" from the early part of the experiment that the shocks occurred at random, were unavoidable and didn't depend on their own behavior. The dogs could, in fact, just jump out of the box to escape the shock but they had learned otherwise.

This kind of behavior pattern has since been demonstrated in humans if they have been exposed to punishments or discomforts which seem random and unavoidable. A feeling of helplessness and no power to improve one's circumstances is one of the key factors in depression.

Learned Helplessness can lead a person to falsely believe that they are more powerlessness than they really are. This can lead to them making poor choices, resulting in a worse situation and a vicious cycle of depression sets in.

 

[xstang77]

Are you in the phsychology field? I really appreciate your advice especially for someone who is my kryptonite if you will, maybe I should move a lot of crappy things have happened to me here and I need to Learn change is good,I can't enjoy life where I'm at. Pertaining the rat story I've heard it before on this site and it's a great explanation. Otherwise she tried contacting me today exactly a month since she last tried and it looks as though she is single,but I'm staying strong nc,I love sex but I keep telling myself no ***** is worth my sanity.

 

[Asmodeus]

Are you in the phsychology field? I really appreciate your advice especially for someone who is my kryptonite if you will, maybe I should move a lot of crappy things have happened to me here and I need to Learn change is good,I can't enjoy life where I'm at. Pertaining the rat story I've heard it before on this site and it's a great explanation. Otherwise she tried contacting me today exactly a month since she last tried and it looks as though she is single,but I'm staying strong nc,I love sex but I keep telling myself no ***** is worth my sanity.

I am not a psychologist... I learned a lot of their methods and theories, I found them useful. I do not have control over the way I feel, but I do have control over the way I behave. I am a long story, and it is a story that shall not be told here...

Change sounds like it would be the best thing for you. Never be afraid of change, much of life involves change. Understand that change is inevitable, and sometimes change is the only option when you cannot find an answer to a problem. If you cannot fix it, then change it. If you hate where you are, if you feel depressed where you are, then change it. Move, and find a better place for you. Restart your life, and bury the past. But keep the knowledge you gained from it. Learn from your experiences, let the tribulations strengthen you with wisdom and understanding.

Do not respond to your ex. She is trying to drag you in that net again. She is not worth your sanity... If you return to her, your pain will only continue. You will only fall further. She must think you are weak, she must think that she can just call you and wrap you around her finger again... She must think your willpower is so weak that she can smile and tempt you and make you fall under her spell... Prove to her that she is wrong, prove to her that you are stronger than that. And most of all prove to yourself that you are stronger than that. You will never let this happen again, and instead of learning to be helpless you will learn how to be strong.