The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[BeTheChange]

I woke up 10 mins ago. Literally all night I had dreams of my ex. Her getting back together with me, kissing laughing and all the "good" stuff that u can imagine. When i woke up, i didn't have that burning in the chest nor that nasty feeling in my stomach. I had..almost nothing felt. But there I am..3+months since the break up and still talk and think bout her. And what does she do ? She just got herself a new relationship, hearts and kisses and love everywhere on the social media. She even put his initials in the Instagram description like she did with mines and that stings a bit. But im okay, i will be just fine.

Definitely get her off social media alex. That will really aid your recovery. Even seeing a picture of my ex can hurt. I've deleted my ex's number, whatsapp, skype, etc. We have one mutual friend and I've told him I don't want him telling me anything about what she gets up to AT ALL. NOTHING. I have been tempted to google her details just to look at her facebook since a lot of it is public but I have resisted and will continue doing so. There is zero upside.

They say that breaking up with a girlfriend is like giving up a hard drug. There are chemicals that can literally only be generated in large quantities when we get past the honeymoon phase and settle into "real" love. If like me you've been with your gf a while then your body has got used to having these chemicals in it for YEARS. Now your body is having to readjust to the complete absence of them. It will take time. And if you had gone cold turkey from the start, 3 months ago, I believe you would be over her by now completely. If you stalk or talk to your ex or get back together before you are fully healed then you are essentially restarting the process over.Every day that NC progresses makes me more confiden of its power.

Understand that we are addicts. You need to treat this sh*t like an addiction that will destroy you if you allow it. This is why I believe women can get over relationships so quickly. They simply enter a new one and replace one addiction for another. This appears to be what my ex has done which is why she seems to be ok. We see this all the time – boyfriend hopping, branch swinging, etc. Most women are fvcking TERRIFIED of being alone. And that is why most continue to behave like infants, even into their 30s. They miss the intense introspection that is prompted by the agony of a breakup. I am speculating here (based on projections of my own experiences) but I believe men cannot so easily connect with another woman emotionally after losing their ex. I have at least 3 girls I could (and have) hook up with over the next few weeks but it doesn't do anything for me beyond a short term in the moment distraction. I still "miss" (crave) my ex. Men, on a whole HAVE TO go through this pain. For the reasons I mentioned I don't believe there is any shield to this for us. And I think this is why men have the opportunity to grow so much more from breakups. We can't simply take the easy way out by jumping into a new relationship. We are forced to confront our imperfections and doubts and (hopefully) learn and grow.

By doing things like looking through old photos of her, you are basically getting a less potent "hit" of the chemicals your body would generate if you were with her in person. It really is the equivalent of a heroine addict topping up every now and then during his recovery. It makes no sense.

This whole situation reminds me of that Lost episode where Locke has Charlie's drugs and tells him he will give them him back if he asks three times. He tells the story of a caterpillar struggling to get out of its cocoon. Now Locke could cut the cocoon open and help the caterpillar out but then its wings would be too weak for it to fly. The caterpillar has to experience that struggle in order to have the strength to fly on its own. So to with us brother. It will not be easy. But you have to go through that pain and remember you will be a better person once this is done.

 

[Carpathian]

@Alex
Yes, I fear that too. One day for sure I will see her with someone new. To be fair she is perfectly entitled to see someone new (or her ex!) - just as we are also - but all the same, if we still have feelings it will sting and it will be a bad day. That is one reason why I try and avoid such places where I may bump into her. I last saw her two months ago and it upset me because I was missing her terribly. I just do not know why she dumped me, again. If I was an a$$hole, or a pvssy or had nothing going for me I could understand. We never fought. I was kind, decent and have a lot to offer. Her family and kids adored me and vice versa. It just does not make any sense. I think there is something in her background, maybe an ex, maybe the divorce she went through that is "confusing" her causing her to break up with me. Three times! Maybe she is scared of being closely emotionally involved with someone again and cannot handle the love from a loving and committed man and so she bales out, just as things are perfect. @LiveYourDream what are your thoughts sister?

TBH I have little doubt she will reach out to me again at some point, I have found from experience over the years with other women that this is the pattern, if you were a good man, were not an a$$hole and was kind to her they nearly always boomerang back - it takes time for them to see this. I - and we all - must be strong when that happens and remain NC - I am certain now that I will do that fine. I am seeing two nice ladies at the moment who are lovely and attractive and like me a lot. Why can't I get this woman, who is a bad choice for me - as @LiveYourDream has told me - out of my head? Why do I think I love her still when I know she is a bad choice for me and other, better women, really like me? Rejection seems to breed obsession!!!!!!

 

[alex_in24]

@BeTheChange
Yes, i have been with her for 2 years. This is the first time that I bumped on her Instagram profile since the breakup since i strictly support and remain NC but there i go..I havent had a "down feeling" day since a month ago maybe..but today is that day. Understand me that literally ALL NIGHT i had dreams of her and they were so realistic. And yes, an hour ago i didnt feel anything in my chest like i wrote here but right now ?? I would explode if i could, im not gonna lie to u.
I completely understand the drug addiction u are referring to. And i know that by stalking her or whatever else connected to her, i get small hits of that drug, and that wont heal me in the near future. But this has happened only once, so im continuing with NC definitely.

@Carpathian

Brother, we are all in the same boat. I know that u understand my emotions and u can feel them also even if they are read over the internet. I clearly doubt that our exes will try to reach us at some point, since they are not programmed that way. Yes, my ex liked one of my instagram photos 2-3 weeks ago, i wrote that here if u can remember. But u think she craves and cries for me ?? Or ur ex cries for u ? Hah..we can only wish that. They are somewhere now fvcking some other guy without feeling any guilt.

And yes, i really have many chicks that i chat with, talk with, go out with, fvck with right now. And they crave and crave and crave for more. Why ? Because I have that IDGAF attitude because i really dont give a fvck. I am not completely healed so i can jump into some new relationship.

I really thought that after 3+ months I would be completely healed and that i would have forgotten bout her, but I am not and thats a fact. I improved myself to that point, that even my family cant recognize me anymore. Improved my school, made a better deal with my bball club, better salary, i am the god of aesthetics now, i look like a greek god literally. I got women hit on me on HOURLY basis. Improved social life and improved EVERYTHING that is in my ability to become a better man. But for now, that's all i can do. From now on, i can just hope that only time will heal me, since i have no other options..

 

[Carpathian]

@BeTheChange Thankyou for that post brother. Yes, you articulate the feelings very, very well. As you say, even other women - who are better suited to us on paper - do not help us "get over" our exes. I am MUCH better than I was six weeks ago so yes getting better and I am sure I will be fine soon. But I am amazed at how long it has taken - three months now! I have broken-up from women before but never have I been so upset as I have been with this situation. I've never been dumped by someone when I was still so much in love and was just dumped for no apparent reason when things were going so well.
This thread and you guys have been so incredibly helpful to me, to read that others feel the same. I am glad that by and large other than an hiccup four weeks ago I have remained NC. Had I not I am sure it would have been so much more worse.

 

[BeTheChange]

TBH I have little doubt she will reach out to me again at some point, I have found from experience over the years with other women that this is the pattern, if you were a good man, were not an a$$hole and was kind to her they nearly always boomerang back - it takes time for them to see this. [/USER]

I'm not sure if it is better or worse, speaking as a reforming assh*le. On the one hand it protects my ego more because I can better process why she chose to set the groundwork to leave the relationship. On the other hand, it hurts more because I am very certain that once the emotions have cleared and the dust settled, on her side, she will look on this relationship with immense regret, rather than fondness. For some reason, that makes me incredibly sad. More than anything. Probably because, despite everything that happened between us she was my best friend and now my best friend will hate me for a time and then "nothing" me. There will never be any positive emotions there again.

I can tell you from experience that doing NC when you know your ex wants you back is a thousand times easier than this because in your mind you can think, "let me do these 60 days, detach emotionally and come back from a position of strength" and even if you don't want to get back with her at least you know she fvcking cared. I would give up sex for a year just to get a text saying "I know we can't be together but I still love you" or some bullsh*t like that! I honestly would. I want to hear those words more than I actually want my ex back. I could sail through NC if I heard those words.

But as you guys already said, the reality is we are dying inside here, while they are probably getting rattled as we speak by their new man, with no guilt whatsoever. Hurts but you just have to accept it and move on.

Edit: Don't worry guys, I would never actually go round to her place crying or send an email asking whether she "really loved me". I appreciate that is the ultimate beta behaviour. I guess that is a comfort. I maintained the frame, even to the end. There were no tears, no angry outburst. It was simply a case of "I know you're being shady so we're done. Bye" followed by radio silence. What irks me is that she got exposed and yet is not even slightly sorry. If it were me, cheating on my ex to go start a fresh with a new chick I would feel terrible.

 

[dude99]

@Carpathian @BeTheChange Yeah its very brutal, it fvcks our minds a lot. You are expecting to see her everytime u go out and thats killing us.

Listen this funny anecdote about my ex. She has a boyfriend now as i told u yesterday. I know this guy. He used to come to the bar where me and my ex were always chilling and drinking coffee. I remember very clearly this particular moment. One time I was there at the bar with my ex and her mom drinking coffee. Her current boyfriend walks in with some friend of his and sit on a table. Then out of nowhere, just to keep the convo fun and going i ask my ex and her mom what do they think about these 2 guys, do they find them attractive and if yes, which guy is better ? ( her current BF is blonde dude, and the other is brown haired). Both of them said that the brown dude is very better looking and is more masculine while the blonde dude (her current bf) is very girly and isnt attractive AT ALL. I was intrigued by that answer so i asked my ex: really ?? so u're saying that u would never go out with that blonde guy, and u find the brown haired guy more attractive ? And she says: NO! Never, look at him, he is awful.

Fast forward 1st July 2016

My ex. Blonde dude. Picture at the beach. Love you love me sweetie bunny blah blah blah.

AWALT ? Hypergamy? Hamster spinning ??

She was obviously feeding you a load of crap and telling you what she knew you wanted to hear. She did find girly man attractive. She just lied to you

 

[alex_in24]

@dude99
That could be a possibility of course. But it doesn't change anything now. It has no influence whatsoever.

@BeTheChange

On the other hand, it hurts more because I am very certain that once the emotions have cleared and the dust settled, on her side, she will look on this relationship with immense regret, rather than fondness.

^^^ This is what is killing me also brother. I am pretty sure that my ex will think this way about our relationship also. But we are men. We shouldn't care about our exs opinions and actions. We just acknowledge what it needs to be acknowledged, we learn and we fvcking move on. As for if they reach out sometime in our lifetime, it's up to them. But it's up to us to "give" them the respond that they deserve!

I just hope that all of us brothers one day will chat here once again and just laugh on how pathetic we are right now. Bringing up old posts and quoting some funny sh!t and giving likes everywhere just for fun ! But until that day comes, lets feel sadness for a lil bit, maybe this is the only time that we will feel this sad in our life so..embrace it and learn from it.

 

[BeTheChange]

@alex_in24

Haha! You're so right alex. We are pathetic! Our ex's have basically taken a sh*t on our heads and we are telling them "Thanks for the hat. Can I get another one?" Well, better we say this to each other and not them!

It's quite ironic. Me and my ex used to fight or have intra day/ one day break ups fairly often. She used to get so upset - couldn't function properly, crying all day, etc. And she used to be so angry about how I could just go on normally like nothing had happened. Well now the shoe is on the other foot! Damn!

 

[alex_in24]

@BeTheChange

Same here my brother. I reckon those break ups that lasted 2-3 days haha that sh!t is funny to me now, but it was those things that i should have known that they are bad for a relationship. Those were the signs that it just wasnt meant to be for us, or u..

I am off to Greece now to chill my balls a lil bit by the sea. Gonna be there for 5 days, im having wifi there so im gonna report, ur not gonna get rid of me hhh

 

[LiveYourDream]

@BeTheChange, She hurts massively. It's below the surface. It's not new, it's been happening for her long before the break-up. It's still there. You are not the only one. Just as guys here try to be with other girls to not feel for their ex so much, women can attempt the same. She felt incredibly hurt by you. That doesn't just disappear suddenly. Neither does the love she felt for you. You will always hold a place in her heart that no other man can touch. She gave you her virginity. That will never be forgotten. She stayed with you for three years and through ridiculous sh!t because she loved you. Just as she feels hurt below the surface. Her love is there too, it always will be. When you know you can't be with someone, or it's not the best thing for you, the loving you feel doesn't just disappear, if it was genuine. Hers was genuine. She still loves you. It just hurts. It doesn't imply that she wants to be with you. She can't be with you and she knows it. Despite the display she put on the other day and continues to put on, she loved you and you are on her mind as well. There is much more below the surface for her as well. Don't let that derail your NC or your focus!!!!!!!! You can love others AND life can still move forward. It's not an either or. Your relationship will never be insignificant to her. The better man you choose to become now, is what matters most. You need to take care of you and improve you, FOR YOU!!!!!! I sincerely hope my sharing this helps you understand what you wanted, in a way that ONLY sets you more free. The last thing I'd want is to do the opposite. Do not use what I shared to strategize or obsess about her. It's time to focus on you!!!!! Do that!!!

@alex_in24 If you are still inclined, PM me a greek god pic please

 

[Carpathian]

@dude99
That could be a possibility of course. But it doesn't change anything now. It has no influence whatsoever.

@BeTheChange
I just hope that all of us brothers one day will chat here once again and just laugh on how pathetic we are right now. Bringing up old posts and quoting some funny sh!t and giving likes everywhere just for fun ! But until that day comes, lets feel sadness for a lil bit, maybe this is the only time that we will feel this sad in our life so..embrace it and learn from it.

We are not being pathetic brother. We are humans communicating and sharing the pain we feel to comrades who feel likewise using the miracle of the Internet as that communications vehicle. We found this forum because of our willingness to search for a solution to that pain and we have found that in our community here. There must be countless others out there suffering in silence, not knowing what to do with themselves or their heartache. Were it not for this brotherhood and sisterhood we would be in a much worse state, of that I am 100% certain. I have been helped and assured massively by your collective wisdom.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

I hadn't had any dreams (not just of my ex, but at all) for a good month. However sometimes I take melatonin whenever my insomnia gets really bad, and it has been the last week or two. Unfortunately one of the side effects is intense dreaming and you guessed it, she was back in my brain last night when it was vulnerable.

This was after I had a date with a charming, not to mention younger and prettier girl this past Monday, and I didn't think about my ex for days. But I won't be seeing that girl again as she's left the state and like always, a few days later BPD ghost makes its way back in.

Day 400+, who knows...

 

[Gogetter]

So I guess I started this last night, (GMT). This girl and I had been relating for about 5 months, it was good - a rollercoaster and we were each others 'first love'. She's Muslim, I'm Christian and she broke down and almost into depression when she realised we didn't have long term hope, she moved to the US for uni recently and we tried to continue talking.

In about 1 week she's changed big time, and I was still investing with hope that the old version of her was still there, hiding or something. She essentially violated my principles, I refuse to water a dead plant and was trying to play hard to get. I threw her one last bone, sending a long message on my tale of the situation and my best wishes for her future - I slightly misunderstood the situation but she still continued to act care free.

Sent her the last words, and it was pretty cold on my behalf but after getting it out I slept like a baby. I blocked her on everything but feel like I've been a bit too ruthless now, she fell deep in love and could've only been acting that way due to the huge change in her life - she has no friends over there, only family so I'm reconsidering how I should handle the situation. I dont think I'll continue a relationship with her but I don't want to destroy her either. Any ideas?

 

[dude99]

So I guess I started this last night, (GMT). This girl and I had been relating for about 5 months, it was good - a rollercoaster and we were each others 'first love'. She's Muslim, I'm Christian and she broke down and almost into depression when she realised we didn't have long term hope, she moved to the US for uni recently and we tried to continue talking.

In about 1 week she's changed big time, and I was still investing with hope that the old version of her was still there, hiding or something. She essentially violated my principles, I refuse to water a dead plant and was trying to play hard to get. I threw her one last bone, sending a long message on my tale of the situation and my best wishes for her future - I slightly misunderstood the situation but she still continued to act care free.

Sent her the last words, and it was pretty cold on my behalf but after getting it out I slept like a baby. I blocked her on everything but feel like I've been a bit too ruthless now, she fell deep in love and could've only been acting that way due to the huge change in her life - she has no friends over there, only family so I'm reconsidering how I should handle the situation. I dont think I'll continue a relationship with her but I don't want to destroy her either. Any ideas?

Let it go. You didn't destroy her. She was already dead. As you put it, why water a dead plant. The best thing to do now is move on and let this one go.

 

[Gogetter]

Let it go. You didn't destroy her. She was already dead. As you put it, why water a dead plant. The best thing to do now is move on and let this one go.

Yeah I ended up apologising because I really went in on her and didn't want to be the cause of something crazy, she said she's a **** person blah blah but I told her I'm not talking to her in that way again - so I guess the NC begins. Not feeling bad about it though, I was out of her league

 

[dustmuffin]

She broke up with me a few days after the fourth. Do I want her? Yes...but just because you want something doesn't mean you have to try and pursue it. I am better after a year. I was a mess up until march. The longer n/c the better I will be.

It will be like my ex wife and my other two serious girlfriends eventually. I don't care about them. I care less and less about her each day. I have my self respect. I have learned that I can walk away. No bull s hit. It's a lesson I wish I had learned years ago.

It was a hard lesson to learn but Im glad I did.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

My gf of almost two years just broke up with me a week ago today over text. She had some kind of anxiety/ptsd issues, so she had always avoided confrontation. She wanted to get married, but as I've been legally separated for about six years and never got an official divorce (due to a reluctance to reveal financial info to my ex wife) she felt that her and I had no future. Her parents were also pressuring her to leave me. I was reluctant to file for an official divorce, as me and this girl had some problems that I wanted to sort out. I was even willing to go to counselling. But she told me that her own therapist had recommended to her that she shouldn't go to counselling with me, because she claimed I would just manipulate the sessions and use them to abuse her more.

Her last words to me were that she loved me, but that she didn't want to see me anymore. I spent the day of the break up texting her and pleading with her to make it work. As miserable as I may have been at times, I still thought we could make it work. I messaged her the next morning after the break up thinking that maybe a good night's sleep would have changed her mind. But she didn't. She told me not to reach out to her again, and to take care of myself. At that point, I went into strict NC.

Today is Day 6 of NC and 7 days since the breakup. I think about her constantly, from the moment I wake up. It's not as bad as the first couple of days, but it's still pretty bad. The only relief I get is when I sleep. Then when I wake up it starts all over again. There are times when I get weak and feel like messaging her, in the hope that she will react warmly and ask me to come over like she had a hundred times before. But during these moments of weakness I just message a friend instead or post here on SS, and I find the feeling or urge goes away pretty quickly.

I created a thread in the DJ tips section which I think may be able to help some of you avoid trying to go back to your ex if you understand being chased from the dumper's point of view:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/index.php?threads/never-chase-your-ex.235024/

Yes sometimes the hardest part is waking up and dozing off at night. But you live with it.

Never, ever, give in to the temptation of texting her first hoping for a warm reply. Think of that as betting your entire net worth on red with only a 10% chance to double your money. If you lose, i.e. she ignores you or tell you to "f off", you lose everything and have to start at at the 1 yard line again. You're a logical man and that's not a logical bet.

The day may come where she'll message you something. Then you can stew in it for weeks and she'll have no idea if you even saw it. But never respond.

I think that's my problem - this obsession with closure. I'm never, ever going to text her again. She'll never get that satisfaction. But on my birthday last week I sure was hoping to hear from her.

 

[Glassguy]

80 days of NC with the woman that I was in a LTR for 3 yrs with and we broke up 3 months before the wedding.....went NC immediately and refused her weird attempts to contact me.

Started dating around, started spending more time with this one particular chick. Very funny, we clicked, great sex. She was eating out of my hand the past 2 Months. Constantly dumping compliments on me, although I wouldn't always reciprocate. I've gotten to be a tougher code to crack just out of maturity and realizing that women can literally love you one minute and not the next.

Everything was great and she went on vacation for a week with her family. Told me she didn't want to go because she would miss me....I told her to go have fun. Things slowed down last week while she was away on vacation, I assumed she was busy.

She gets back Friday night and makes no effort to see me. Invited me down yesterday only to wiggle out of it yesterday evening. She said you can still come down it you want but I'm tired, tomorrow would be much better. I elected not to go. She tells me that she never knows where she stands with me because I'm not the typical guy that showers her with compliments and wants to rush into things. I tell her I want to keep dating her but I'm not jumping into things head first. I asked her if she still wanted to meet up today and she said "I think I need a little time to myself". I replied with "you're right, I think we both do. I'll take that as your way of saying it's over and I wish you the best".

Anything I should have done differently?

 

[dude99]

80 days of NC with the woman that I was in a LTR for 3 yrs with and we broke up 3 months before the wedding.....went NC immediately and refused her weird attempts to contact me.

Started dating around, started spending more time with this one particular chick. Very funny, we clicked, great sex. She was eating out of my hand the past 2 Months. Constantly dumping compliments on me, although I wouldn't always reciprocate. I've gotten to be a tougher code to crack just out of maturity and realizing that women can literally love you one minute and not the next.

Everything was great and she went on vacation for a week with her family. Told me she didn't want to go because she would miss me....I told her to go have fun. Things slowed down last week while she was away on vacation, I assumed she was busy.

She gets back Friday night and makes no effort to see me. Invited me down yesterday only to wiggle out of it yesterday evening. She said you can still come down it you want but I'm tired, tomorrow would be much better. I elected not to go. She tells me that she never knows where she stands with me because I'm not the typical guy that showers her with compliments and wants to rush into things. I tell her I want to keep dating her but I'm not jumping into things head first. I asked her if she still wanted to meet up today and she said "I think I need a little time to myself". I replied with "you're right, I think we both do. I'll take that as your way of saying it's over and I wish you the best".

Anything I should have done differently?

Nope. Handled that perfectly. Don't change a thing. Now go nc with her also because your reaction isn't the usual weak beta guy reaction she is used to.

 

[Fireballs]

Day 51

Not sure what's going on with me. I thought I was doing really well..was hardly thinking about her etc.. but in the last week or so it feels like I've gone backwards. I don't want her back but I'm finding myself really missing her and thinking of our time together. It even crossed my mind to call her but I know better than to go and do something stupid like that.

I've had a couple of plates fall off and have been flaked on twice this week so maybe that's part of it...who knows?

On a more positive note since I've been single I've had more time to devote to my guitar and writing music. I can't believe I neglected one of my biggest passions for so long..never again.