The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Jariel]

I'm starting to realise that you need to treat a break up as you would treat the death of a loved one. In some ways it's worse, because you have the added pain of rejection and confusion thrown into the ordeal.

If you think about those who have died, you will never fully get over the pain. You will always miss them, you will always be troubled by their death whenever you think about it, but there is nothing you can do can make them come back, so you have no choice except to deal with it and move on with your life. Once you do that, you stop thinking so much about their death and start thinking of their lives and all the good times you spent together. One day there comes a time when you can dig out old photos, videos or mementos and relive those happy times.

Now just imagine another scenario. Somebody close to you dies, but you refuse to bury them. Instead, you put their corpse in a room and keep checking on it hoping they will come back to life. You might even go online and read about some magical formula that will bring them back to life, so you keep trying this formula and keep waiting for it to work, but each time you check on the body, they look more lifeless and less like the person you once knew. It gets more and more painful by the day.

The longer you keep doing this, the more bad memories you're putting into your mind, until you forget about all the good times you shared with that person and your only memories of him/her is as a lifeless and decomposing corpse.

I know, it sounds fvcking morbid and insane, and yet this is what you put yourself through when you continue to chase after an ex and cling to the hope of them coming back. You watch your relationship decompose and you watch their love for you turn into something ugly, you destroy your happy memories (and theirs) and you prolong your pain.

Letting go is the only way you will ever get on with your life. It's only been 35 days NC for me, and yet I'm already getting days where I barely focus on the break up and I'm remembering her as a great person with whom I shared some amazing times.

 

[Renegade357]

I'm starting to realise that you need to treat a break up as you would treat the death of a loved one.

I think it's the opposite. They never change. Instead you should treat it as the death of yourself to the person who hurt you. That old person you were who got hurt is never coming back. A new stronger person will be born and will find love somewhere else with someone better. To your ex you are dead.

 

[Renegade357]

I'm 60+ days out now. Just thought I'd say that I'm over the breakup and her. Wasn't easy but no contact helped. I'm dating again, doing lots of fun things. On to the next one. You guys will be there soon too if you stick with it.

 

[Contrails]

My ex broke up with me 2 months ago. At first, I didn't fight for it. In one week's time, I went and picked up my stuff from her and I acted cool as if I didn't care. One month later, I called her trying to make things work. She told me she had started seeing someone else. I decided to go my own way then. Another month went by, then I found out she had cheated on me with this guy and the bearer of the news was this guy himself who did not know at the time that we were still going out. He thought he was in a proper relationship with this girl. After I found this out, I was not happy and said a lot of things to her that I shouldn't have including a little lie that I found some other girl who was way better than her (AFC mistake I know). She kept trying to justify her act because I didn't treat her right. The next day, I texted her that I was a bit harsh with what I had said and that I was only after an apology. She finally apologised and I wished her luck with her new bf. Anyway, she had daddy issues, divorced, 29, not much going for her except for her looks.

So this was about a week ago. No contact day 7. Finally starting to let go. Got a couple of dates this week, lets see how they go. But, the thought keeps creeping up that one day she will contact me, one day she will realise what she missed... This is the part I really wanna let go.

 

[henrea4]

So, yeah....met that crazy chick from PoF. She has like a million f***ing cats. Seriously. I pull up at her place around 6:30pm after a two hour drive. For some reason I just can't meet local girls on online dating sites. Anyway, we go straight to her bedroom and talk for about an hour. She asks me when I'm leaving and I tell her whenever she wants me to. She tells me I can "sleep" with her. In her bed, because she doesn't really have anywhere else for me to sleep. Heh...well, about an hour passes and I'm starting to get sleepy, so I hop in the bed with my jeans on. She tells me I can take my pants off if I think it would be more comfortable. So, I do, then get back in bed. I'm trying to "be a gentleman" the whole time and she notices and tells me I can touch her. We start holding hands and she begins rubbing my stomach. Then she moves her hand down and starts aggressively kissing me. Well, you can tell where it goes from here.

Weird thing about it is I couldn't come. I was able to get hard, but I just couldn't finish. This happened when I met my ex wife as well. For some reason I just can't have enjoyable sex with someone I just met. We held each other through the night and she was constantly rubbing my d!ck. I thought she was going to yank it off. Really fun lady. lol Big upgrade over my ex, too. I don't really think I'll see her again, though. I'm not into sharing and I know I'm not the only one she's seeing. As a matter of fact, one of her other prospects came by her place at around 6am and left a message saying that he wanted to come over but he saw a car in the driveway. Nice distraction, though. It's funny how I started getting more attention on PoF almost immediately after my ex cut me off. At one point I was talking to 4 girls at once (this is a huge deal for me) Now it's only 2. The other has 3 kids (yeah, I know) and I'm supposed to meet her next week. I told the girl I spent the night with about her and at first she told me she wouldn't blame me if I chose her instead since she lives closer, but she kept bringing her up. I just flat out asked her if she was jealous and she admitted that she was. That's so sweet. lol

But yeah, this one wasn't exactly a keeper, but I'm excited to see what else is out there. My ex did me a huge favor by cutting me loose. I can definitely see that now.

 

[walkingonair]

I feel so horrible today. I miss him so much. i feel in pieces like i can't go on at all. I feel like i just cannot go on. i wish this pain would end. I really wish it would end. Losing someone you love, not being able to talk to them or share with them anymore. It hurts beyond belief.

 

[henrea4]

I feel so horrible today. I miss him so much. i feel in pieces like i can't go on at all. I feel like i just cannot go on. i wish this pain would end. I really wish it would end. Losing someone you love, not being able to talk to them or share with them anymore. It hurts beyond belief.

We've all been there. And I know you're probably sick to death of hearing this, but it does get better.

 

[Cali-83]

Day 7

Day 7 made it though my first week. It's been complete hell. I feel like I'm lifeless and have no purpose anymore. I know I'm doing the right thing not seeing her but it's really painful not having the person in my life that I truly care deeply for. Today is though knowing one week ago we had our talk about space. I feel tired I just want to get better.

 

[Jariel]

Day 7 made it though my first week. It's been complete hell. I feel like I'm lifeless and have no purpose anymore. I know I'm doing the right thing not seeing her but it's really painful not having the person in my life that I truly care deeply for. Today is though knowing one week ago we had our talk about space. I feel tired I just want to get better.

I feel so horrible today. I miss him so much. i feel in pieces like i can't go on at all. I feel like i just cannot go on. i wish this pain would end. I really wish it would end. Losing someone you love, not being able to talk to them or share with them anymore. It hurts beyond belief.

I went through this stage too and at one point I just collapsed on the floor and started crying hysterically, feeling like I could not take this pain any longer. I felt totally hopeless and broken. At that moment I would've taken any kind of anti depressant or sedative without question just to make the pain stop.

But I assure you, it gets easier and those periods of respite from the pain start to get longer. It's 35 days of no contact for me now and I still wake up hurting, I still have moments where my stomach feels knotted and I want to cry, but it's getting easier to cope with and I'm starting to function better.

The most important thing is that the situation starts to become clearer as the emotion starts to settle. You'll either see why the relationship failed, recognise your own faults and the lessons learned and you'll start to see a brighter future ahead.

But you have to stay strong and avoid contact if you ever hope to heal. What you're dealing with is a dependency or an addiction. You can't get over a heroin addiction if you're shooting up every week or two and you can't get over your ex if you're contacting her/him.

 

[Jariel]

Day 35:

It still hurts, but it's getting easier to deal with. Today I felt really inspired to make some changes to myself and revamp my image and my mental attitude.

I have a list of lessons I've learned from my break up and have a list of changes I am aiming for - to become more focused and composed, to be less insecure, to be more consistent with how I look and to embrace my masculinity.

At this stage a lot of things regarding my breakup are becoming very clear to me and it's crazy how differently I see the situation now that time has passed and emotions have settled. The hardest part is that I recognise how I ruined the relationship and how my insecurities got the best of me.

As I said in my previous log, I am writing a letter to her to send after 90 days of no contact. My reason for doing this is to finally express all the things I never got to tell her, so that I'm no longer holding them inside and holding onto any guilt. I'm not writing the letter to try and persuade her back. I'm writing it to say goodbye and express how glad I am I got to spend that time with her.

But I must wait because I need the letter to be unclouded by emotions, with no ulterior motives, guilt trips or self pity.

 

[Lotus Effect]

Be Gone...

Hey guys! (And girls).
This one goes out to everyone who is feeling unsure of No Contact and to whoever gets the chance of reading this right after the break up.
Seriously, follow this advice.

It's been 4 months and two weeks since she first broke up with me. I've begged her back ten days after the first breakup, and since she still had feelings for me, she took me back, but I was not ready, she also didn't missed me enough, so it didn't last.
(Plus the fact that I've found out she was with another dude, so I've put things to and end FOR GOOD. It was a bad breakup!)

Now it has been exactly 3 months since the final breakup.

After some heavy thinking, over analysing and lots and lots of crying and speeches to myself in the mirror I've fully undestood the real effect of No Contact.

I've tried everything to get her back, and not the pathetic way of crying and calling and begging her love back. No, I've tried the PUA stuff, Relationship Rewind, Text your Ex back, the "Pro Stuff" and the more I tried, the further I've pushed her away. Up to a point that she said to a common friend, "He is still talking to me".

The thing is, she had feelings for me, she was talking about me to common friends, posting hate stuff on facebook and all that c**p. But she was not sure of her decision, and by chasing her, I reinforced her decision in her mind. I am guilty of not being with her today, because I proved her that she was right on walking away.

The point I'm trying to make is. If, in the first day that she told me she needed a break, I just went NC, she would have gotten crazy, because she still loved me by that point, and leaving her to chance, would have made her miss me like hell.

This is one of the most valuable lesson I've learned in life. Also the most expensive. They are insecure. If you do as she says, and act as a f**king man and leave, it will be a huge turn on for her.

Go No Contact in the first day. It is hard, it hurts so much, but chasing her will only make the pain longer (I'm in the forth month and it still hurts as day one) and will kill any chance of her being back to you. Now I don't even have a reason to speak to her, since she is emotionally deattached.

I know this now, and I'd kill anyone in the world to have a chance to go NC back then. I'm 5 days NC now, but I can guarantee you all. It won't be as nearly as effective as it could have been, if I was man enough to put up through my own s**t. In fact, it won't be effective at all in the matter of getting back together, 'cause now it has been more than four months, and she is living her life on her own, totally confortable in a world without me.
It will only be effective for me to get over her.

So, to sum it up, when she dumps you, thank her, smile and say goodbye. And then leave... She will not be able to handle the real world.

I know we can only learn from our mistakes, but if I could go over your house right now and slap you in the face I would.
Be Gone... and she will chase you! Trust me!

Best of Luck!

 

[Contrails]

I went through this stage and at one point I just collapsed on the floor and started crying hysterically, feeling like I could not take this pain any longer. I felt totally hopeless and broken. At that moment I would've taken any kind of anti depressant or sedative without question just to make the pain stop.

Wow man, that's really bad. I started hitting the gym and take all my aggression out on the weights. It's really been helping. And heaps of good music, music that makes pumps you up, not sad romantic crap! Oh and line up those dates, chat up those girls! Took me almost a week but I am already starting to think less and less of my ex.

 

[Machtwo]

So, to sum it up, when she dumps you, thank her, smile and say goodbye. And then leave... She will not be able to handle the real world.

I know we can only learn from our mistakes, but if I could go over your house right now and slap you in the face I would.
Be Gone... and she will chase you! Trust me!

Best of Luck!

Pretty much what I said on page 163, if only we could go back in time and put in to practice what we now know!

 

[Lotus Effect]

Pretty much what I said on page 163, if only we could go back in time and put in to practice what we now know!

Just read your post. It is exactly what you've said... Sorry dude!

Anyway. I wish I could go back to use the knowlegde as well. It's not certain, but things would be completely different.

But if you really think about it, and this is something we being the dumped don't focus on seeing, is that, even if we knew how to handle the situation we got to admit to ourselfs that we were not 100% responsible for the breakup, and we shouldn't be punishing ourselfs for this situation.

My ex always told me she came from a bad breakup, her favorite song for me was Hinder - Use Me (Which may tell something), she was never open with me, and by the end when she was fully healed and 100% independent she dumped me.

Bottomline, I have my share of fault, especially 'cause it was my first serious relationship, but she was a heartless b***h and used me the way she needed it.

Don't punish yourself, she's a f**king hoe, like all the others around!

 

[Cali-83]

Hey guys! (And girls).
This one goes out to everyone who is feeling unsure of No Contact and to whoever gets the chance of reading this right after the break up.
Seriously, follow this advice.

It's been 4 months and two weeks since she first broke up with me. I've begged her back ten days after the first breakup, and since she still had feelings for me, she took me back, but I was not ready, she also didn't missed me enough, so it didn't last.
(Plus the fact that I've found out she was with another dude, so I've put things to and end FOR GOOD. It was a bad breakup!)

Now it has been exactly 3 months since the final breakup.

After some heavy thinking, over analysing and lots and lots of crying and speeches to myself in the mirror I've fully undestood the real effect of No Contact.

I've tried everything to get her back, and not the pathetic way of crying and calling and begging her love back. No, I've tried the PUA stuff, Relationship Rewind, Text your Ex back, the "Pro Stuff" and the more I tried, the further I've pushed her away. Up to a point that she said to a common friend, "He is still talking to me".

The thing is, she had feelings for me, she was talking about me to common friends, posting hate stuff on facebook and all that c**p. But she was not sure of her decision, and by chasing her, I reinforced her decision in her mind. I am guilty of not being with her today, because I proved her that she was right on walking away.

The point I'm trying to make is. If, in the first day that she told me she needed a break, I just went NC, she would have gotten crazy, because she still loved me by that point, and leaving her to chance, would have made her miss me like hell.

This is one of the most valuable lesson I've learned in life. Also the most expensive. They are insecure. If you do as she says, and act as a f**king man and leave, it will be a huge turn on for her.

Go No Contact in the first day. It is hard, it hurts so much, but chasing her will only make the pain longer (I'm in the forth month and it still hurts as day one) and will kill any chance of her being back to you. Now I don't even have a reason to speak to her, since she is emotionally deattached.

I know this now, and I'd kill anyone in the world to have a chance to go NC back then. I'm 5 days NC now, but I can guarantee you all. It won't be as nearly as effective as it could have been, if I was man enough to put up through my own s**t. In fact, it won't be effective at all in the matter of getting back together, 'cause now it has been more than four months, and she is living her life on her own, totally confortable in a world without me.
It will only be effective for me to get over her.

So, to sum it up, when she dumps you, thank her, smile and say goodbye. And then leave... She will not be able to handle the real world.

I know we can only learn from our mistakes, but if I could go over your house right now and slap you in the face I would.
Be Gone... and she will chase you! Trust me!

Best of Luck!

So during our break up I didn't beg or cry for her to stay. I just told her I understood where she was and good luck. She told me she still likes but isn't ready to be in a serious relationship at this time. I kept it short. I'm in day 7 now.
Do you think she'll contact me ever? I want her back. If she dose reach out what do I do?

 

[Jariel]

Dont do it. That is breaking no contact. I don't believe you have truly devalued this girl in your mind. From what I have read she was a total busted user. You blaming yourself is missing the big picture and a SETBACK to healing in my opinion. If you were saying "well I learned and will try harder with the NEXT girl" rather than "im sending a letter" then I would feel differently.

The only positive from doing this is that she will be so repulsed that she will for sure never be contact to you even for an ego boost again.

I know what you're saying mate and I have no intentions of doing it any time soon. Right now that letter is for my benefit and after 90 days of NC I'm hoping I'll have the full clarity to make a decision.

The thing is, I've been telling people about how badly she broke up with me, how cold she was with me and playing the victim, but I've held back my role in the breakup.

One thing I didn't let on is that not only did I dump her in a cold and insensitive way following a really tough week and stress that made her physically ill, but I told her I had feelings for someone else and I wanted to end things so we could start seeing each other. The worst part of it is she would know exactly who I'm referring to as she'd been jealous of this girl before...and she'd have seen some flirty messages on my wall not long before we broke up.

First time I've confessed that here, but maybe it makes more sense why I'm carrying this guilt around with me. I told my mate the other night and he called me a pr!ck, other friends I told winced and told me I deserve to feel like sh1t. Even my parents said I deserved what I got and they knew all along I wasn't telling the full story. They even pointed out that I have a bad habit of acting like a spoilt prima dona and they've seen it many times before.

 

[soulforge]

why is it, after a break up... us guys sit here, drowning ourselves in guilt...

where did we go wrong, what could we have done better!

yet she she does not think for a moment that she might have contributed to the break up... and carries on without a f@cking care

 

[Machtwo]

Post #1

The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

 

[soulforge]

I know what you're saying mate and I have no intentions of doing it any time soon. Right now that letter is for my benefit and after 90 days of NC I'm hoping I'll have the full clarity to make a decision.

The thing is, I've been telling people about how badly she broke up with me, how cold she was with me and playing the victim, but I've held back my role in the breakup.

One thing I didn't let on is that not only did I dump her in a cold and insensitive way following a really tough week and stress that made her physically ill, but I told her I had feelings for someone else and I wanted to end things so we could start seeing each other. The worst part of it is she would know exactly who I'm referring to as she'd been jealous of this girl before...and she'd have seen some flirty messages on my wall not long before we broke up.

First time I've confessed that here, but maybe it makes more sense why I'm carrying this guilt around with me. I told my mate the other night and he called me a pr!ck, other friends I told winced and told me I deserve to feel like sh1t. Even my parents said I deserved what I got and they knew all along I wasn't telling the full story. They even pointed out that I have a bad habit of acting like a spoilt prima dona and they've seen it many times before.

mate i think you just over reacted to her wanting some time away from you... i guess some of the things you said did not help...

but guess what, when i dumped my ex (face to face) i had a bit to drink & was just totaly frustrated with her disrespect... i also said some bad things...

like i find her behaviour disguisting & told her she has no self respect.. even said there are better woman outhere for me, who will easily replace her.

but after 5 days, i rang her up & told her, i wasn't seeing anyone else & some of the things i said, i did not mean...

told her, i was frustrated with her behaviour & the stress she put me under, and i just snapped.

the truth is... she was really taking the pisss and it just came out... i had enough

 

[Jariel]

Why did you say those things? Do you remember if she did anything to precipitate it?

Because I was feeling insecure is the honest answer. She'd cancelled a couple of dates with me and wasn't her usual affectionate self the weeks leading upto it.

Even though we had predicted this would happen as her final divorce case approached, and I promised to give her space when the time came, I ended up getting paranoid and totally lost my cool.

As my parents pointed out, that week my ex was fighting for her's and her kids' future and I should've taken a backseat and not been so demanding of her attention. I see it now and I cringe. In the weeks leading upto the case, she'd received information that her ex husband was broke and they stood to lose their home and more. It was no wonder she was so stressed out, and yet she still made the effort to text me every night.

mate i think you just over reacted to her wanting some time away from you... i guess some of the things you said did not help...

but guess what, when i dumped my ex (face to face) i had a bit to drink & was just totaly frustrated with her disrespect... i also said some bad things...

I felt the same way, except now that I look back, she did nothing to disrespect me. She was just more focused on her court case and her future than on me...and I was too egotistical to accept that.