The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[expos]

Hey guys I'm new here and looking for some advice.

My gf of just over a year broke things off with me yesterday. We had a little incident about a month ago, and even though she said she's gotten over that, she said that ever since then she hasn't felt as romantically about me, regardless of how hard she's tried, and didn't wanna keep faking it to the point where she hated me.
She said all the typical stuff: I really wanna stay friends with you, you never know things could be different down the road, I hope you don't hate me, I hope you still keep in touch with me.

I admittedly was pretty taken back, and while I didn't plead or cry, I asked her calmly if there was anything that could be done to resolve the issue. She said she didn't think so. At that point I said alright, well I guess that's that. And said goodbye to her.

Obviously my plan is to go NC at this point, but my BIG decision that I'm wondering is: do I send her kind of like a closure sort of text where I thank her for being honest with me about her (lack of) feelings, and agreeing that after thinking about it overnight, it really is the most fair and best thing for both us rather than leading me on, and letting her know that I don't hate her?

I'm wondering if sending this will make me seem like the bigger person, before initiating no contact so she doesn't think I'm not talking to her out of being butthurt (although I had mentioned to her during our relationship that if we break up, there's no real reason to stay friends).

Thoughts?
Any advice is much appreciated

Well I think if you are looking for an answer or a motive with closure text, I don't think you'll get it. Believe me, I sent out a nice closure letter to get a few things off my chest with a drama-filled long term ex and she never even responded to it. I knew she wouldn't anyways...but it helped me find closure in my own way.

I think the hard truth is that when a girl no longer states that she has "romantic" interest in you and she does it in a nice way, it's pretty much over. I know it's a sh!tty reality.

If you are still really into this chick, the best you can do is never contact her again. If she writes to you at all, don't respond and stay really strong. If she starts pleading, start communicating with her in VERY SMALL DOSES. Remain mysterious, low-key, sort of unattainable. Then you need to start gaming her.

Don't bother her anymore...I know it's tough...we've been there. But you need to disappear. Always remember that absence grows interest. That's why I block all exes on facebook, delete numbers, and vanish. Make them always wonder what happened to you.

 

[expos]

Ex-wife...

56 days - last time I saw her in person.
41 days - officially No Contact.

Not getting easier. Almost broke it with a text after taking a booze-induced nap today - but threw my phone across the living room.

2 days - No Contact with this chick who showed high interest a week or so ago. Waiting for her to make the next move...I won't cave in.

 

[TwoDucs]

Day 30. It really does feel like I'm over the top and it's all downhill from here.

 

[mbgeezle]

Day 5. Have no interest in even attempting to make contact anymore. Not even holding any hope that she'll contact me. She's with another guy already but still text me the other day saying I push her away with all the texts so only thing I must not do is break NC.

 

[expos]

Good job expos, keep it up. You're going through, what was for me at least, the roughest period right now: and that is the 1 to 3 months phase when you really miss your ex the most. You start to forget about all the bad things she did, and you tend to focus more on the good times and how much you want to see her again.

But this is a mirage. This is your brain starting to heal from the hurt of your relationship, and as you do so you will experience waves of emotion like today when you felt like calling her. Over time - and if you continue to stay NC - you will find that these waves become less frequent and less intense. Understand that every time you break down and contact her, you reopen your old wounds and you have to restart your healing period all over again.

You've made excellent strides and you've come a long way. You're almost there. Staying NC is absolutely vital for you to get over this woman.

Thank you so much for this Bradd80. This has been so very difficult. I will not lie, I do break down a lot. A lot of tears have been shed and I constantly think about her beautiful face. It's like this terrible, terrible obsession. I've blocked her on Facebook and defriended a lot our mutual friends this week just so that there are no surprises if she shows up on my feed.

I guess I can best describe it as a stranger...and someone I want to get to know again...because in recent photos she looks like a different person. It is awful.

It is brutal trying to deal with other girls I'm talking with and seeing. I'm not even enthusiastic about going out with them. I feel like these are necessary steps in moving on, but I can't give 100% to these new women.

Did you feel this way? Were you once married?

 

[tiffanytje]

Hi everyone, I'm still in love with my ex boyfriend and he wants to be friends but that just doesn't work for me. So I started no contact out of the blue 4 days ago. Today I read that facebook also includes the no contact rule, so I deactivated my account, so he can't see my profile for a while. And then I can't look at his pictures or his profile.
But half an hour later he sent me a text to ask if I blocked him on facebook...
I don't understand how he could have noticed this so fast and why it matters?

 

[expos]

Hi everyone, I'm still in love with my ex boyfriend and he wants to be friends but that just doesn't work for me. So I started no contact out of the blue 4 days ago. Today I read that facebook also includes the no contact rule, so I deactivated my account, so he can't see my profile for a while. And then I can't look at his pictures or his profile.
But half an hour later he sent me a text to ask if I blocked him on facebook...
I don't understand how he could have noticed this so fast and why it matters?

Duh. He's into and wants to keep you around as a F-Buddy. He wants an open door policy. Want him to spin his wheels? Test him. Tell him that there is this guy that wants to take you out on Saturday...see how fast he scrambles back to you. If he doesn't come back, then he doesn't care, and you can drop him. Call his bluff.

 

[tiffanytje]

Doesn't the no contact rule say that I should ignore his texts and calls?

 

[Dan08]

Doesn't the no contact rule say that I should ignore his texts and calls?

Yup so do exactly that. Don't play games or any sh!t like that, you're past that. The relationship's over, you shouldn't be friends it will screw up your healing longterm and make it harder to get over him.

 

[tiffanytje]

Okay I will ignore him. Just one thing is on my mind. Why does it matter to him if I blocked him on facebook or not. And how the hell did he notice this so fast. I think it was even less than half an hour after I deactivated my account that he texted me... Other people didn't even notice yet that I'm not on facebook anymore.

 

[corrector]

I'm not sure if this counts for contact or not but I just got an email from my "ex" inviting me to go to her "linked-in" page. I have resolved to ignore this email and not to go on until after May 18th this year which would mark 6 months since the last contact on Nov 18th last year.

I'm have a good friend which is an older divorced woman, but I like her and think she's hot. When I was in relationship she prayed with me and counselled me into breaking up with my ex-girlfriend because she said my ex-girlfriend's divorce was not legitimate and I did some research and confirmed her ex-husband was a pastor of a church that she walked out on and refused to reconcile with him.

Unfortunately, I was a loner before I met this ex-girlfriend and felt she tried to socially integrate me and we had amazing times together dating during the summer and autumn season last year. I realize these are good memories and I don't have a "current" at all with her and by now she's probably happily moved on with her life a long time ago.

I'm planning to see a woman that's probably over 8 - 10 years older than me over the weekend, and I saw her last weekend for a social dinner date just to get my mind of my ex. I even thanked her for helping break up the relationship but suggested she should help me move on too so like she's agreed so far because of the age difference to be good friends and go out with me to different places. Now my "ex" pops up in some form. Whatever.

I ended it first by promising to call her back on Nov 18th but defaulted, but she never called me either and this is the first contact after 5 1/2 months. She's like 4.5 feet tall, she can't have children because she has Turner's syndrome, she made me feel insecure with her when around her friends, she's on anti-depressants, and she has a bad past of walking out on a pastor (her ex-husband) and leaving him high and dry. She wanted me to marry her this summer or she didn't want to continue seeing me after all of these issues.

After May 18th I'll check her profile, maybe I'll see something on it that will give me the shock I need to really look for another woman and not be as content with the integrity of the memories or experience I had with her last year. But I'm dangerous to her because I had exchanged long letters with her ex-husband and know too much about her. Why would she take a risk like this with me? Probably accidental. I know where her ex-husband goes to church, and still have all of the correspondence on file about her (which I sent to her mother)....I can cause a fire-storm with all of that info.

Crazy little girl, if there is a better sucker out there than me who would go for someone like that with all that baggage and actually marry her, all the power to her, what can I say? She'd probably have to hide where her ex-husband is -- she volunteered the info to me. I just contacted the ex-husband when the relationship got too serious to talk about her and what really happened before dumping her.

Another thing I might ad, about hiding stuff. She never initially came clean to me about not being able to have children. She had to show me a movie called "The life of Timothy Green" and explain the characters had to adopt children because they couldn't have any. Then she broke the news that she can't have children to me. I still decided to see her despite this and we both introduced each other to our families and her family accepted me and my family accepted her. If I wasn't so desperate I would have just dumped her on the no kids part. Her ex-husband probably doesn't even know this. She had to show me a movie, geeze.

 

[Razzled_TK]

Day 16. Bad news. I still care.

How I know: I feel no need or urge to contact her. But lately I've felt the need to check up on her. Not via contacting but I guess you can say"stalking" Facebook and other social media. I don't know why. I know the end result is just going to hurt me and am fighting to resist to check... Why can't it be as easy as a flick of a switch to not care anymore. I want to hear her name and see her and feel NOTHING. I really hope NC works... I've been following it strictly since I broke it the first time..

 

[corrector]

Was looking at that linked-in invite email again. Did a google search and see that sometimes invites are sent by the company that are not authorized by the user. Was tempted to write "I think you sent this by accident. People do not add "exboyfriends" to their professional networks" then I draft saved it and did not send anything.

I've come to terms that this may really just be a spam message or that it was accidentally sent because this is simply out of character. Even if it was intentional, then it may just be to get a rise out of me or to see if I'll read through the profile. It's not facebook so it's less personal and more professional.

For now it's just a mental thing for today. I've survived for 5 1/2 months of no contact with her so far so getting an email like that should just pass like water off a duck's back. I never got any phone call or personal email from her checking up on how I'm doing and to get some email like this out of the blue is just too little too late even if it is intentional.

Don't know why I'm getting so strung up on this here.

 

[mbgeezle]

Day 6

Feeling more confident in my self that I will not break NC now. I'm slowly healing, hitting the gym and keeping busy with positive people around me. I still miss her like crazy but there's no urge to re-open my healing wounds. I no it'd be going backward in instead of forward.

 

[corrector]

My dad's suggesting that I should give her a courtesy response since she likely sent this invite. I'm spraying on Instant Shine (1 spray) over my wrist (i.e. anti-depressant spray) to get my mind/emotions off her and into a happy state.

I'm listening to celine dion's "I love you" song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vyIVGiXSmLs and it's spring.

The temptation to respond to this contact is very strong. I dumped her because of her past and her ex-husband advised me to leave her alone and end the relationship.

My mom who caused the break-up suggests its just spam and she'll get angry with me if I get involved with her again since she didn't want her for me, and that older divorced woman probably wants someone to deflect my attention off of her since she will not reject me directly but will pity-date me if I can't find someone else that is younger than I am and really need a fix of a woman's company. She's not really making me feel very wanted right now since she hasn't called or text-ed since the last meeting but she's invited me inside her home (to talk) and is not the type to turn her back on me if I really want her company.

If anyone wants to scream - no contact go ahead and do so. If you think this little girl has some feeling for me, and you think I have feelings for her (i.e. if my writings are passionate about her even if it's negative), and like we should be together, then don't respond to any of my three posts.

 

[lamobatsman]

Okay I will ignore him. Just one thing is on my mind. Why does it matter to him if I blocked him on facebook or not. And how the hell did he notice this so fast. I think it was even less than half an hour after I deactivated my account that he texted me... Other people didn't even notice yet that I'm not on facebook anymore.

same thing happened to me and this girl. i blocked her on facebook after she kissed someone in front of me. she got mad at me and called me a baby for playing games. i told her rationally that iv blocked her to try and get over her. i dont know why it matters to her so much why i blocked her if imean nothing to her. ask her i have no clue.

i think wat brad says is right. its an ego things for her knowing i still want her and she wants to check up on me pfft

 

[tiffanytje]

I really don't know what's going on with my ex. But when I deactivated my account, he texted me right after that to ask if I blocked him.
Now I heard from my brother that a day later, he also deactivated his account. I don't get it, why the hell would he also delete his account?

 

[RedScorpion]

Hey all. I think today is day 59 of no contact.

It does get better. I do still think about her everyday but its a minor feeling. There's still the lingering questions of 'is no contact the best way', good quick fix is to read other people's stories of breaking nc vs not, and it becomes clear/clearer that nc is the way. The only way. It doesn't matter if your ex is flustered in the background. What matters is they stick out that hand of reconciliation at the bare minimum, saying 'hey can we talk (about us)'. If they're acting like a worse version than themselves? Good, then maybe you're affecting them. My ex is fighting with people at work (jumping into convos she's not even a part of) because she's a know it all(heard), but who knows if its just her personality or because of the break up. Doesn't matter (though I like to imagine because of the breakup).

The point is that she didn't try. Hasn't tried. Doesn't matter. She always was terrible at reconciling. And I am still miffed that she didn't put any effort into 'fixing' things. Never would talk about anything (besides complaining about people). But that's a core personality trait. You can't fix it. She can't even now if she wanted to. (And there's a host of other reasons why I don't like her)

I'm at the point where I know I don't want to get back with her. Mentally 99%, heart is about 80%. I do have to see her one more time (before she moves), at my moms graduation. I guess my plan is to just be there, make no efforts to talk to her and ignore her. And if she talks to me, be polite but not talkative (don't feel like it), and if it comes up with opportunity say either the breakup was for the best, and have a good life. And that will wrap up that. Feels cruel in some manner, but I think it's the best way to show how I feel. If she doesn't come over to talk, all the better.

I'll say this to everyone going through this challenge - keep strong. There will be low points. There will be doubts. Do not be afraid to research others stories for comparison, and to receive support and opinions from friends. It helps. If you can, try and stir real interest in someone else. Not just a bang, that won't replace your feelings. Someone you like. Like I'm talking with my exs roommate right now (while I'm away for 6 more weeks), she's more my personality, and never know, may work out.

 

[Neon Owl]

Tomorrow will be 4 weeks of NC for me. She was my first lay and gf and is still always on my mind...it's getting easier but I still miss her so fvcking much.
Have met and fvcked 2 other girls off POF in the past 2 weeks, I though this would help me get over these emotions but during and after the sex I just couldn't help but wish it was my ex I was with...both times I couldn't even bust my nut as I was too distracted by thinking of her.
I want to make it to the 6 week mark as I'm pretty certain once I get that far she won't contact me again unless maybe she splits up with another guy and wants someone to make her feel better about herself.
In a way I really want her to get in touch just so I know I still mean something to her but my logical brain knows it's best if I never hear from her again.
At least I'm not dreaming about her anymore.

 

[nocontact160]

Another new girl on this thread.

We broke up about a month ago. were together for eight, and had a lot of plans together for the future. he was my best friend before we got together, and he was the one chasing me ever since we've known each other. he's the closest i've ever been to a person. we were so comfortable together. but things turned bad, and suddenly it broke.
he was being too close to a girlfriend of his, she tried to kiss him a few months ago (when we were already together), and i didn't find out by him directly. going out a lot more with his friends (she was in his friends group) and for the last two months, he was putting his friends a lot before me (even on my bday when we were supposed to see each other). he always told me he wanted me to live with him in the future.

after the break up, we had to spend a week together with 4 other people in an apartment (it was some kind of camp, no details...) we slept in the same room. it was horrible, i cried day and night, and didn't eat much. i really wanted him back, and he told me he had to think and breathe, and that he was still there for me, but he didn't knew if he still loved me or not, he didn't know anything.
then, on the fourth day or so, i decided to try to look happy and not go after him at all. I kind of ignored him. the next day, he came to me and wanted to talk, and told me he still wanted to live with me in the future, he wanted to hug me, he wanted us to still be close to each other, he told me he wanted to tell me things he didn't want to tell other people, but that things now weren't good, and that there were too many problems... so he came to me when i was ignoring him.
to me, it showed he still loved me. i couldn't understand the paradox.
i was relieved with what he told me, but at the same time, i was so sad he didn't think we could solve the problems. i fell in the trap again (we slept together after he told me that), and for the last two days, i was really in a bad shape again. he was so tired of it, and was very distant, pushed me away.
after the camp, we both returned to our homes.
we texted, and he didn't answer a lot, he was very cold, and he told me he didn't want to face any problems, that he still wanted us to be friends, that he didn't want me to know what he was doing every moment of the day. It hurt me a lot... the next day, he texted me and told me he got his drivers licence, and i told him i was happy for him, and that's all.
that week, we had not a lot of contact. i was tired of chasing after him and crying all day long.
4-5 days after his drivers licence text, i deleted him from my facebook because i couldn't stand him being happy and always seeing him online without us talking together. The next day, he texted me: he didn't want us to lose contact, he thought we deserved better than just "hi how are you, fine and you, okay, gtg bye"... i told him that not being friends on facebook doesn't mean we aren't friends in real life, and that it was easier for me like this, that he should understand.
three days later, so i asked when i could pick up my stuff. i still loved him and i asked him if he still wanted us to live together in the future, i told him i missed him too much, and that i couldn't understand him anymore... he told me he didn't know, didn't answer a lot.
he then drove by, it was very brief, "hi, thanks, bye". and he said we were going to see each other again. that was two weeks ago. i didn't initiate contact since then.

so No contact.

He sent me a message on the 10th day to ask "hey, how are you?" (four days ago)
I answered on the 11th day and told him I wasn't interested in being friends with him anymore. (it just hurts me too much, i'd rather not know what he's up to, i realy don't want to know if he has a girlfriend...) I told him unless it was very important, I didn't want us to contact each other anymore.
he answered something like "well okay, i thought you didn't want this, but fine if thats what you want"

so of course i miss him, i miss the days we were together, i want us to be together again. But I just can't be friends with him like this, it's just too hard for me. i also saw via his friends facebook that he went to prom with the girl that was "chasing" him when we were together...

so i "officially" started NC 4 days ago. don't know if i regret it. don't know if i still had a chance to win him back. i just don't want to suffer anymore.

good luck with your NC!