The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Exoduso]

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[nfot33]

Hi guys

This is my first post. Been reading a lot of posts and its helping hope you guys are all doing good.

This is the end of DAY ONE for me. I feel devastated.

I was dating a girl for two years. She was different and so nice. I started the relationship scared because we had differences. She was religous and I am not but she assured me it could be okay and I have nothing against anyones beliefs but was concerned for her. Anyways I fell in love with her and her with me. She originally lived 2 hours away from me but moved closer to be with me. Eventually we had lots of arguments... she was very needy and felt like I didn't show enough affection or was proud of her to my friends, on socials etc. She was very outgoing and flirty with guys and that bummed me out. I would tell her nicely but always ended up apologizing because she made me feel like I was being crazy. I know she loved me though because she gave up everything to be with me. The past few months of the relationship she would have doubts and I would convince her to stay. This happened a few times. She recently moved back 2 hours away because of financial problems but still wanted to stay together. She told me how much she loves me and wants to be with me forever. Fast forward to this last week and she told me she needed space. I said okay and that I loved her hoping she would miss me.

Last night she called me to say she doesnt want to be with me and shes made up her mind. She said she doesnt love me anymore and hasn't for a while and that she doesn't want me to be in her life anymore. I begged her to stay and cried like a chump for an hour on the phone. I asked if there was someone else. At first she said no but then admitted after some prodding that she likes a guy from her new job and they've been hanging out. She said he does all the things I haven't done for her like making her feel like the most beautiful girl and being a strong spirtual leader. Over the past month I spent so much time trying to become religous for her and change but she said by now its too late, I should have tried sooner and she doesn't want me anymore.

I love this girl more than anything and I don't know what to do. After she told me about the other guy I hung up on her. She called back twice and I answered and I told her I never want to talk to her again. But I can't stop thinking about her and how I wish I would have done things better from the start. I tried so hard to make it work but I could have done more. I miss her so much. I don't understand how she could move on to someone else so quick. Will she miss me? Will she come back? I know I shouldn't want her to but that's all I can think about. This girl was my world and I feel like I took it all for granted. I need help

Sorry for the long rant and first post

 

[BelleSing94]

Greetings.

I am actually a female that found the advice in here to be helpful through a google search. (sorry for invading, guys)

Here's my story: (I apologize for the length)
Dated this guy for 3 years. He had a really bad history when it came to relationships...dated cheats, sleeparounds, and one girl even used him to cheat on her real boyfriend and he didn't know until he showed up at his door to attack him. So basically? Loads of trust issues.

I'm a real committal type of girl. I don't go out and do things to make my guy worry about me (like get drunk in bars and flirt with random guys) and I do everything in my power to make the guy I'm with feel like a man. And I was pretty much his "dream girl" (or so he told me, and others). I was his "type" and he felt like I was the one that he had been waiting for, for all these years. He told me that he was in love with me, and wanted to marry me.

First two years of the relationship were great. Had rough spots but always worked through it. Thing is, he holds NASTY grudges. For years. I think he STILL wants to get back at that other girl that used him to cheat on her real boyfriend and it was 4-5 years ago.

We graduated college together, and he had to give up a job and his apartment to go take care of his mom after major surgery. And I understood completely that he needed to be there for her. I had done the same thing for my dad twice after he had back surgery. So we were long distance for a period of 8 months. The first 3-4 months, he was not able to visit me, and I was not able to visit him. Skype isn't really enough for either party because in a LDR, without enough shared experiences the conversations really do boil down to "I miss you, I want to see you again"

Petty fights happened. "Why didn't you call? Why couldn't you stay on the phone? What do you mean, you can't visit when you said you would?" Stuff like that. Neither of us felt fully supported or appreciated, such is the nature of long distance. I started to go through something pretty serious: I was being harassed and stalked and had to get a restraining order against a very rich and powerful woman that had a grudge against me (also she was psychotic). I was really scared all the time and I needed support, and so I begged him to find a way to come back now that his mom was better.

He started the job hunt. The best job he could find was part time temporary work, and he didn't really like the job. He made a lot of foolish mistakes and they didn't keep him. It was a blow to his ego, I'm sure. Especially when I found out that he used to not clock in when he showed up to work...he figured they would just edit his punches later.

Eventually he managed to find a potential job opportunity in my town. It was agreed that he would stay with me for ONE MONTH and see how the job pans out. I have two emails from him saying "I can't wait to live with you, even if it's just for a month."

He shows up in April. He pays half my rent, and things are going much better now that we are in town together. Communication is improved. I was towards the end of dealing with my stalker. The project/job opportunity ends up taking two months so he is still at my apartment in May. Then...nothing for June. They never signed the contract. He isn't working and he's pretty much just killing time, waiting for the contract to be signed. I don't say anything, just keep encouraging him whenever he tells me he is worried.

July, I mention to him we need to eat the rest of the food in the fridge before we buy more because I have to move at the beginning of August, and asked if he had found his own place yet. He explodes that I've "screwed him over" and that he didn't know he wasn't going to be with me in the new apartment. I explained that because my best friend and I didn't know how long he would be in town for, we ended up finding a third roommate to sign our lease and you don't want to sign a lease. He storms out and I don't hear from him for the rest of the night.

The next day I get home from work and all his stuff is moved out. He shows up late that night telling me that he's decided he's not going to stay with me for the rest of July because he no longer feels welcomed, and that he's going to stay with a friend instead. I tried telling him that maybe since the contract hasn't been signed yet, he should start looking into schools again (to get health insurance, he's turning 26 this year) and possibly to get a job to support himself. I wasn't asking him to do anything I wasn't already doing myself. He took it as me looking down on him and he kept saying that I screwed him over and that I must want out of the relationship because I think he's a loser and that I'm trying to distance myself.

Ultimately, that month was spent with me having to put whatever emotions I was feeling on hold to act "peppy" and "happy to see him" and dress a certain way and whatever to get him to spend time with me. He would keep saying he didn't feel welcomed anymore and then leave. I would practically roll out the red carpet for him, make all his favorite meals, plan a fun evening, etc.

Eventually he got part time work and he kept complaining about how much he hated it. I was as sympathetic as possible, and I would make nice dinners for him whenever I could and I would try to make him feel better but it didn't work. He then decided to move 80 miles away to some friends in another town, and only come down on the weekends for his part time job, and then drive back. I would only see him on the weekends and he was bleeding a lot of money for gas.

On August 17th, I called him and I was starting a 5 hour drive back to town after visiting my parents. I let him know about how I'm going to focus 100% on school since my job was cutting my position and he was like "oh so it's ok for you not to work, but for me it's not ok? How is your situation any different than mine?". I was really offended and I said "well let's compare resumes, I've been supporting myself for years and you are still trying to figure stuff out". His response? You know what, I'm done with this relationship. We're breaking up.

Yes. After three years of dating, he dumped me over the phone. I tried calling back, and it was pointless. I somehow managed to get myself safely home and I was absolutely heartbroken and distraught. He also made it very public on Facebook that we had broken up and was already flirting with other girls. That day was a mutual friend's birthday, and he couldn't even look me in the eye. Despite how I was feeling, I bit my tongue and I didn't dramatically post on facebook telling everyone what happened and I didn't try to hurt him even though I desperately wanted to. I am definitely NOT that crazy ex girlfriend that acts like a psycho.

A week later, I ran into him at swing dancing and he was very adamant that we aren't a "thing" anymore. He did say he still loves me, but we aren't healthy for each other and that he's been miserable for a year. He's essentially re-written history in his mind and is holding a grudge for not feeling consistently appreciated and understood.

On day 15 of no contact (I decided after running into him that I needed to just let it go) he sent me a very long message trying to 1. Explain why we broke up, 2. Who he blames (doesn't want to blame anybody), 3. Desire to be friends after he gets loads of space, and 4. To brag that the contract got signed, and now he's got his dream jobs all lined up. He then closed with "Lastly, I’d like to know this message reached you. Yet, at risk of sounding cold, I’d rather not get into a conversation. Like I said, I still ache and I need space."

Today is Day 18 of no contact. I did not respond to his letter because I don't accept apologies over Facebook (especially if you broke up with me over the phone, dear God just come over and say it in person if you really mean it) and I just don't want to say the wrong thing.


Ultimately, the reason he and I broke up was due to scheduling issues and lack of communication. He ONLY wanted to talk when I was half asleep. Both of those things, scheduling and lack of communication, can be FIXED with EFFORT. I am 100% willing to put in the effort. I'm willing to admit that I might have been wrong and actually try to fix the behavior. However, he is unwilling to let go of past grudges and is even trying to pretend that HE got dumped for sympathy. (His/Our friends are getting pissed at him for that one).

*heavy sigh*
My parents have been married for 28 years, been together for 30. I have SEEN what it takes to make a relationship work. It's not easy. The grass might be greener on the other side, but you still have to water it. His parents are divorced, so maybe that's part of why he thinks that once things aren't perfect, you need to break up?

I still want to work on things. I am very willing to forgive, to not bring up the past, to not hold a grudge.

I am probably going to run into him again, at some point. How should I act?

He sounds like an idiot. Good thing you're not with him anymore. Break up over the phone? Come on man.

 

[pinkfl]

Bellesing, yeah he was an idiot. I was pretty heartbroken at the time, but I see that a lot of things he did was abusive. But that's why no contact is GREAT. Seriously, once you get out of the clouded judgement you get to see things as they really are.

1. He used to throw and break things in front of me, call me names, and manipulate me. He also like to storm off at the drop of a hat.
2. Used to dictate what I was allowed to wear
3. Was never supportive of my career, despite the fact that he was perfectly happy to mooch off from it
4. Refused to sign a lease but still wanted to live with me
5. Didn't want to get a job, turned down a full time job when it was offered to him because it "wasn't his dream job". Got fired from his first job (that he got at 25) because he couldn't even be responsible enough to clock in. At one point I was working two jobs, 70 hours a week, going to school, and trying to get into professional school (which I succeeded in doing). I can't respect someone that doesn't work, not if I'm busting my butt working, studying, ON TOP OF cleaning, cooking, and making time for him. No. I deserve better than a manchild.
6. Isolated me from my friends and family, used to dictate who I was allowed to be friends with
7. Had no respect for me or my well being
8. Behavior after the breakup was hilarious; he's still trying to demonize me and make it out like I'm the bad guy, playing the victim, lying to girls about himself, etc. No one buys it.


I would consider what happened to me to be a success story and this thread was a great help. I have not spoken to my ex in months. He shows up where I socialize from time to time and lurks and I ignore him.

He recently sent a very long letter on Facebook to my roommate that was both checking up on me as well as bashing me and making stuff up...my roommate just wrote back that "you just said a lot of really ****ty and untrue things about my best friend. I witnessed what happened from the beginning, I saw how you treated her and how she constantly would forgive you...I don't know why you're trying to convince me otherwise, I know what I saw without having to be told."


I have moved on and found a really amazing guy that I truly appreciate, he is nearly everything I want. The best part was? I wasn't even looking. I was perfectly content being single, I had a very fulfilling life and good friendships.

He's smart, HARDWORKING, practical, has the gentleman thing down pat (seriously guys, I'm the kind of girl that really likes it when a guy opens the car door for me. It's a small gesture. Goes a long way), very supportive of my career choice, is good at communicating, and while he may not be "perfect", he's pretty awesome and I'm enjoying his company. No major complaints thus far. He's already proven himself to be a better man than my ex in three short months.

 

[nfot33]

I responded in bold



Well, whether you could have done something differently, or she just changed her mind, we will never know. Maybe you will never know either. DO YOU SEE ALL THE POSTS IN THE LAST FEW PAGES OF GUYS WHO'S GF BROKE UP WITH THEM AND HOW NOW THE GF KEEPS CONTACTING THEM? DO YOU SEE THE MISERY THEY ARE IN BECAUSE OF IT? DO YOU THINK IT IS FAIR FOR A GIRL TO BREAK UP WITH YOU, THEN KEEP CONTACTING YOU, KEEPING YOUR HOPES UP? SHE WANTED THIS, SHE GOT IT, NOW MOVE ON. DON'T RESPOND TO HER TEXTS, CALLS, ETC. LET HER CALL THE NEW GUY. WASH YOUR HANDS OF IT, TAKE SOME TIME FOR YOURSELF, AND YOU WILL FIND SOMEONE BETTER.

Thanks for the reply Mauser96 it means a lot. I know that's what I need to do. When does the hurting stop? And how can she so easily branch swing?

 

[nfot33]

Day 2

In the middle of day 2. This seems impossible I miss her so much... started reinstall my socials to look at her stuff again. I'm trying to stay strong

 

[nfot33]

Going to sleep soon and heading into day 3. Sorry for posting so frequently but it helps to get it out even if it is to a forum.

Did a lot of thinking and hanging with friends this evening. Was looking on web about break up stuff (I know I shouldn't dwell) but came across an article about 7 signs you should end your relationship.

When I look back I see my ex exhibited a lot of these signs. She was very flirty from day 1. At first I wrote it off as that she's just outgoing but over time I eventually told her that it bothered me. But I think this came off as me being too sensitive. She always had to get super dressed up (high heels, short dresses etc) when she went out, even when she went without me.

Also when I first started talking to her she was only a few weeks out of a LTR that she ended. this ex boyfriend of hers continually bothered her via text, phone calls, twitter etc for almost the duration of our relationship. (Just about 2 years) Again at first I pretended it didn't get to me but eventually I said something. She told me over and over that she has told him to stop and that he's crazy. he didnt stop and I suggested blocking him. She did for a little but said she had to pay for it on her phone plan and eventually took the block off and said I need to just ignore it cause she loved me. It never stopped.

She got angry with me easily and I felt like I would have to talk her down over and over sometimes for hours. Granted I would get frustrated too but we argued constantly. Whether it was cause I didn't believe the same things or didn't post pictures of her on my instagram or facebook (these happened over and over again). Im in a touring band chasing my dream actually making money and getting notierity. I would often spend hours after a show trying to get her to not be mad at me for something. I essentially would ignore my job of talking with fans and being in the concert mindset. I think she never approved of my job even though i think thats why she liked me in the first place.

Looking back it seems like maybe she has huge attention problems. She wants to be a princess on a pedastool. Now she left me and has some other guy giving her attention.

Its made me somewhat feel better to see this but I can't help but still feel guilty. I love her and miss her. I hope this gets easier.

Also here is a link to that article in case it may help anyone else: http://www.thirdage.com/dating/7-signs-you-should-break-up

 

[Razzled_TK]

Day 9.

Feeling meh. Think about her at times. Having had discarded all forms of "hope", I feel the need to just avoid her like the plague.

But, I have this bbq event coming up this weekend, all my friends and our mutual friends will be there, and she wasn't going to at first, but now she is, apparently. She texted me yesterday (never texted back yet & deleted the message) that she would bring our dog (that we raised when we were together since he was a little puppy) and if I wanted to see him that I should go. I was planning to go, But I'd rather keep up no contact. Still debating what to do... input anyone?

 

[nfot33]

Day 9.

Feeling meh. Think about her at times. Having had discarded alltrying forms of "hope", I feel the need to just avoid her like the plague.

But, I have this bbq event coming up this weekend, all my friends and our mutual friends will be there, and she wasn't going to at first, but now she is, apparently. She texted me yesterday (never texted back yet & deleted the message) that she would bring our dog (that we raised when we were together since he was a little puppy) and if I wanted to see him that I should go. I was planning to go, But I'd rather keep up no contact. Still debating what to do... input anyone?

I would say don't go. Seeing her is gonna rip open any healing you've done. F*ck her she's just trying to get to you. Try to make other plans. Stay strong man and forget her

 

[Placidd]

I would say don't go. Seeing her is gonna rip open any healing you've done. F*ck her she's just trying to get to you. Try to make other plans. Stay strong man and forget her

Agreed. I think its best if you dont go because it will cause you to restart the process all over again.

You could though, if you have enough control over your emotions, or can move on easily. go, but be indifferent towards anything she does (flirts with you, with anyone else). and talk to your other friends to say hi. leave early, saying youve got some stuff to do.


I would recommend strongly the first option though. Its the best thing to completely remove an ex from your life. theres no point in keeping someone in your life if that person has a negative influence on you. Its gonna get tough, Im not gonna lie. But FOR YOUR HEALING, it is the best for you not to go.

 

[Razzled_TK]

Day 10. Bombarded with a lot of what ifs again. -___-.:cuss:

As always, I appreciate the reply/input guys. Thanks.

Sucks because a lot of my close friends keep telling me to go, and to just and have a good time. That I should "show her" that she doesn't affect me in anyway, because the more I react, the more it feeds her ego. I've thought about what they said.. but

I honestly don't want to go because you guys are right. I'm afraid of rehashing wounds and afraid of having even the most tiniest glimpse of hope again.

/Vent
The only reason I broke NC the first time was because I had hope. Because she broke up with me after a huge argument, and thought I was just stupid for initiating NC and not trying to win her back. But after finding out that she's already dating again, she most likely just left me for that guy, using the argument as the scapegoat for the break up.
/EndVent

Guess I'll find something else to do that day!

 

[nfot33]

Day 10. Bombarded with a lot of what ifs again. -___-.:cuss:

As always, I appreciate the reply/input guys. Thanks.

Sucks because a lot of my close friends keep telling me to go, and to just and have a good time. That I should "show her" that she doesn't affect me in anyway, because the more I react, the more it feeds her ego. I've thought about what they said.. but

I honestly don't want to go because you guys are right. I'm afraid of rehashing wounds and afraid of having even the most tiniest glimpse of hope again.

/Vent
The only reason I broke NC the first time was because I had hope. Because she broke up with me after a huge argument, and thought I was just stupid for initiating NC and not trying to win her back. But after finding out that she's already dating again, she most likely just left me for that guy, using the argument as the scapegoat for the break up.
/EndVent

Guess I'll find something else to do that day!

I'm right there with you my friend. I broke NC and checked her instagram looking for pictures of the new guy torturing myself. I started over and am on day 2. Constantly bombarded by what ifs and wishing I did things different. Feeling like its all my fault. Thinking about the last fight and wishing I just showed her I loved her more. Wishing she would come back. I hate going to sleep and waking up thinking things aren't the same. I don't think shell ever come back.

Looking back I think this other guy was in the picture longer than she said. I can't get the thought of her and someone else. I call it the Mr. Brightside (the song by the killers)

Just know your not alone. Hang in there

 

[Callah]

Hey guys for me it's day 2 again.

Here's my story:
Broke up with her
We kept in touch (I answered all her calls) even took her out still
After around 2 months after she started going out and meeting people and started calling me less
I called her more eventually asking her to get back with me over and over a few times. She said no.
I started no contact, didn't check my Facebook or Instagram. Didn't contact her.
After 2 weeks I went to this fishing trip, on Instagram she started liking my pictures and commenting on one telling me good job. I answered nicely, not asking a question but being nice. (Hoping for a reply) never came. Posted a few more pics. She liked them.
When I got back from my trip I texted her. She replied with one sentence replies then stopped replying. I said good night and sweet dreams.
Haven't heard from her since.
Bad part is before my trip with NC I was doing better. During my trip I was fine, she found a way to ruin the trip for me and get her power back. Even when she didn't reply to my texts I thought it was ok, cause she missed me and just isn't ready yet. So I thought I'll keep improving myself and wait a month.
But the next day I checked my Facebook and saw some pics of her. Not saying they are dating but she entertaining and flirting with a guy. And she posted pics of it. Two guys who are friends both hitting on her kissing her n the cheek while she is semi hugging them. Worst is she posted this maybe the first weekend of the breakup. Which if I knew I would have never replied to her!!!

Well now I unfriended her in Facebook, haven't contacted her at all. I don't follow her on Instagram but she still follows me. I did post something saying its like a good day in the hope she will see it. After an hour I decided to not care and erased it.

I think of the picture I saw a lot and even think her and one of those guys will eventually end up together. It hurts thinking she might be talking to him or distracting herself with him. It's hard not to assume but also I know I shouldn't care.
She was a good lady after all, and I was willing to try before I saw that pic. But now unless she ever contacts me and says it was nothing then I could consider her. But I now. Should just not care and move on. Not easy. I can give more details as the questions and advice comes.

Thanks.
FYI after reading a lot of things in this site I do feel better. I'm pretty stable but lonely at times but I concentrate on family and friends. Dreading this weekend cause I think if more pictures of her and the guy show then I know down the line they will get together. If not then it was just distraction flirting. But I know it's over and it just waiting for when I'm over it.

 

[PoZest]

Day 1 for me...
Said she needed time alone, then I said yes i'll get over you.
She text me saying whatever I want to do is fine. Making it look like it was me ending it. Messing with my head.
I told her I didn't want this to happen and it was her who said it.
I must not text/call her anymore because I shouldn't allow myself to get upset.
I think I'm getting over it already and its only been one morning. I can do this.

 

[Callah]

Day 1 for me...
Said she needed time alone, then I said yes i'll get over you.
She text me saying whatever I want to do is fine. Making it look like it was me ending it. Messing with my head.
I told her I didn't want this to happen and it was her who said it.
I must not text/call her anymore because I shouldn't allow myself to get upset.
I think I'm getting over it already and its only been one morning. I can do this.

very early in the breakup just play the game. dont contact her. if she contacts you dont reply until she seems really really desperate!

 

[daifeigo]

day 3

I have known my gal for 1 month and we dated for another month before we broke up, things do seems quick but we do have 1 awesome month of relationship, the problem is that she still have feeling towards her ex and this issues has taken our relation in a viral spin.
she broke up with me and wanted to be friend with me again, and I used NC straight away after having a long peaceful chat with her. I do still want her back, she's awesome fun to be, just the mind is too crowded and congest with her past.

This is DAY4
previous day I am alright, everything seems normal but today I have a sudden urge of finding her as I thought of the good old happy time we were together but I just put a hold on myself and control the temptation, but I am staying strong and hanging strong till that day I can move on !:rockon:

 

[Callah]

day 3
a much better day. didnt care about her much except a moment of paanic when she commented on one of our mutual friends who said he and his girl were staying home tonight. kinda saying what a bad thing, knowing her she's probably out with her flirt buddies or who knows the real story anymore.
made sure i didnt see the guys news feed again.
damnm, its easier but not easy at the same time.

 

[mbgeezle]

Day 1

Hi. This is day one of no contact for me. I've broken my own no contact several times over the past month and from reading this forum I've decided I am so ready for this! Brief outline of my story. Took ex away for bday, spoilt her, come home, she goes home, seems distant, says she wants to be on her own via text message, go to her house, tells me she doesn't love me anymore, I trick her into admitting there's someone else. She's had 2 attempted suicides in the past 3 months, on anti depressants, was drinking till the point of not remembering a thing, sniffing cocaine, I cared for her, paid her drug debt, kept her sober, stood by her no matter what and she sh**s on me. Well I've done the usual begging, I've now wished her all the best for her life, and said I'm taking this time to work on me. I asked her a few days ago if she hated me, she said no, I said some horrible things to her when I found out there was another guy, and found out other certain rumours. She said she forgived me. I asked her to wish me well and she said 'do u not realise u push me away, stop with all the texts'. I texted her this morning asking if she developed feelings for this guy while she was with me as I've heard it could of been going on for up to a month, 2 weeks ago. She was in London with me during the month its supposed to of been going on for and also at my house for 2 weeks as she wanted to stay away from drink etc. She's been in an extremely bad place and she says he treats her well, she's happy now and he likes her for who she is. I'm devastated. 6 years we have been together. Day 1! Wish me luck!

 

[Boscus]

Day 41

I can barely remember her anymore....ahahhahahahaha

wow, it worked!

.....No contact is AWESOME!

 

[nfot33]

I had a couple drinks today and broke down. Looked at her instagram, twitter etc saw her making posts about flirting with guys. Starting over today.

Any advice on how to stay strong guys? This hurts