The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)
- Thread starter Daydream Engineer
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CuddleJunkie
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it's ok man, just accept that you are in pain and that time will heal you. I've been there whenever I received a text message, so I know how much it sucks ,just keep this on!
It will pass. Give it time and keep taking right action.
The fact that you went and bought the book No Mud, No Lotus shows that you are taking
right action. It's normal that your mind is all over the place and you couldn't focus on
the book. This has been a shock to the system and you're dealing with a loss. It's like dealing
with a death. You must feel the grief and let it pass in it's own time. As Robert Bly says "follow the
grief down". In other words, don't run from it. Feel it and tell yourself "I'm feeling grief over this right
now". There's authenticity in that. You are in the garden of your psyche and it's time to dig and
get dirty. You've been in the basement of your soul too long.
It sounds like you're experiencing slight anxiety from the what you say about your mind. You have a history of addiction. When we choose to deal with our anxiety in a passive manner, it's the root from which springs a multitude of addictions. We need to deal with anxiety in an assertive manner....in other words face it head on and continue taking...right action.
Taking right action is doing what needs to be done to bring you towards the person you want to be and towards the goals you wish to pursue, regardless of what your emotions are screaming at you. Of course this also means we need right views. Right view is recognizing which things you ingest, physically, mentally, emotionally; are going to lead to your nourishment and growth or whether they are going to lead to your suffering and diminishment in physical and emotional energy reserves.
When you feel your ming racing and wandering, try to just recognize it and acknowledge it. Say to yourself "oh there I go thinking of my ex again", then tell yourself to get back to the present moment. Then focus on your breathing. Breath deeply and focus on your breath. Avoid scolding yourself when your mind wanders. Avoid being angry with yourself. Do it in a gentle manner. Clarity and calm is what you want to achieve.
Have the faith and confidence to know that you will grow from this as long as you keep taking right action.
Day 5. Yesterday was better than the day before. One thing I realized the past 4 days is a lot of interests I had before my X went away after dating her the last 18 months. Like I used to interested in metaphysics, NLP, healing, ect.. a bunch of new age stuff but I totally forgot I was interested in that stuff until the breakup. Being alone again will be good to redevelop some of my old interests and get back to who I was before I met my X.
I've already went to 2 different meet up groups about the interests above and I have something planned for most days in the coming weeks.
I have one plate spinning at the moment and I know that LDR is not something most DJ's would recommend but I reconnected with an old crush I had 15 years. All we ever did was kiss. She lives 8 hours away but plans on moving to my city at some point in the future. She is coming down in a month from now and we are planning on meeting up. I've been texting her every day for the past week. Me and this girl used to have insane chemistry but the timing was never right.
Its good because I'm probably not ready to meet women just yet but at the same time she is helping me forget about my X and by the time she comes down I should be good to go.
I'm also texting with 3 girls from an online dating site but my head really isn't in it. I have plans to take one of them out tonight but have a feeling she will flake and I don't really care.
The other thing is a started no porn and no fab last week and along with my breakup I don't even have the urge to bang anyone right now. Has anyone ever gone though a breakup and lost their urge to bang chicks? It feels like my testosterone is in the gutter or something.
I've already went to 2 different meet up groups about the interests above and I have something planned for most days in the coming weeks.
I have one plate spinning at the moment and I know that LDR is not something most DJ's would recommend but I reconnected with an old crush I had 15 years. All we ever did was kiss. She lives 8 hours away but plans on moving to my city at some point in the future. She is coming down in a month from now and we are planning on meeting up. I've been texting her every day for the past week. Me and this girl used to have insane chemistry but the timing was never right.
Its good because I'm probably not ready to meet women just yet but at the same time she is helping me forget about my X and by the time she comes down I should be good to go.
I'm also texting with 3 girls from an online dating site but my head really isn't in it. I have plans to take one of them out tonight but have a feeling she will flake and I don't really care.
The other thing is a started no porn and no fab last week and along with my breakup I don't even have the urge to bang anyone right now. Has anyone ever gone though a breakup and lost their urge to bang chicks? It feels like my testosterone is in the gutter or something.
Day 2
My GF of 3 years admitted to cheating on me a couple weeks back. I cant describe the rage I felt at the time, it made me wonder if she ever cheated on me before that too. It should be two weeks without contact now but today is actually day 2 of no contact.
I lost my rag, I threw insults at her and then dropped her. I also blocked her on everything. I went two weeks without contact, but broke it yesterday after she messaged me. She apologised and told me she was hurt over the fact that I could drop her so easily, she even tried to backtrack and say she never cheated! I wasnt going to text her back because her attempt to backtrack just made me angry + I wanted no contact, but she sent another message asking for a friendship, so I thought id text her and make it clear. I told her to never text me again or Ill be changing my phone number. I thought she finally got the message when she didnt reply, but I woke up to several messages full of insults from her.
It sucks. Im stubborn and wont give up my self respect, so I know Ill never see her again, but I keep checking my phone for her texts. A part of me wants her to text me, even though I know its for the best if she doesnt. I am missing her, but Ill be damned if I let her know that.
My GF of 3 years admitted to cheating on me a couple weeks back. I cant describe the rage I felt at the time, it made me wonder if she ever cheated on me before that too. It should be two weeks without contact now but today is actually day 2 of no contact.
I lost my rag, I threw insults at her and then dropped her. I also blocked her on everything. I went two weeks without contact, but broke it yesterday after she messaged me. She apologised and told me she was hurt over the fact that I could drop her so easily, she even tried to backtrack and say she never cheated! I wasnt going to text her back because her attempt to backtrack just made me angry + I wanted no contact, but she sent another message asking for a friendship, so I thought id text her and make it clear. I told her to never text me again or Ill be changing my phone number. I thought she finally got the message when she didnt reply, but I woke up to several messages full of insults from her.
It sucks. Im stubborn and wont give up my self respect, so I know Ill never see her again, but I keep checking my phone for her texts. A part of me wants her to text me, even though I know its for the best if she doesnt. I am missing her, but Ill be damned if I let her know that.
Was feeling depressed as hell an hour ago but I'm meeting a HB7 for coffee/drinks in 30 minutes wish me luck boys. Probably no chance of escalation its good to get out there. Dealing with my anxiety in an assertive manner?
I'll post updates later on.
I'll post updates later on.
CuddleJunkie
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hey man, keep doing this, it gets better. I know how much it sucks to be cheated on. NC really works, you'll get much better.
And I will use this post to say that more than 60 days have passed, actually I stopped counting a long time ago, but I'm sure the 60 days are over, not su much the NC! haha
The chick I took out had a great personality and seemed into me but I just didn't find her attractive. I might call her back at some point.
Taking a different girl out on Tuesday, actually I'm going to her place for coffee since I told her coffee dates are lame. She's probably a 7 or 8. You never know until you meet them face to face.
Anyways, that will be 3 dates in 6 days since my X left me for dead. With the reading and going out to meet up groups I think I'm going to make it.
LiveYourDream
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Way to get yourself out there, especially after a break-up. Indeed, you'll make it. Some days will seem sunnier than others. When a stormy day hits, don't question everything again. Just know it's weather, and is passing through. Nothing to do, just let it pass. Enjoy feeling better and on track. You are doing great.
This is a great post. I don't have anything to add except I will try to implement your suggestions. The recognizing your suffering is the first thing that I learned in the book you recommended. I've done it a couple times - "hey suffering how are you doing? I know you are there. I'm just going to make something to eat." but sometimes suffering invites all his friends and they crash the party that is my brain and then it doesn't work so well.
You are right. The motives behind my actions were likely based on seeking approval.
I wanted her to like me. As you pointed you.. WHY? We are done.
Thanks man.
DAY 6
Yesterday was a weird day. I woke up feeling pretty good and then around 11-2 I sunk into DEEP depression with no warning. It was like a nice sunny day and then 20 minutes later a tornado is tearing everything apart. Somehow I recovered and then made a plan to meet a HB for a drink. It went pretty well in terms of my ability to make her laugh ect but I wasn't really attracted to her but pretended she was a HB10 because she drove to meet me so I might as well treat her to a good time. Later on in the day I sunk into depression again. My biggest problem right now is I feel my X stole all my dignity. I don't care that she left me for someone else as much as I care that I didn't act like a man, trust my gut, believed her when she showed me who she was through her actions, and walked away.
It feels weird.. like I was raped or something and I feel used.
When a women gets raped by a man he robs her of her innocence. I feel like I was robbed of my self dignity.
Anyways, I have a date on Tuesday with a pretty good looking girl. I met her 2 years ago before I started dating my X and I reached out last week and despite only talking to her for a week 2 years ago she remember my dogs name! That's high interest. Things are also progressing with my plate from a different city. We are going to skype in the next couple days or so and hopefully things will progress to the point that when she comes down in 3 weeks that sex is basically a given.
What do you do with an ex who you ended on bad terms with, havent spoken to in a month and then she texts you out of no where, telling you that she didnt regret ending it and that she wants her things back that she bought me throughout the relationship? I was very much over her and now it seems to me that shes put me in a predicament. Do I not reply and just keep her things she bought me?
The thing she bought you are legally your property.
So you don't even owe her a response. If I were you I would cut all contact and ignore
her existence. She wants you to enter into her soap opera for the drama that she craves.
Your property. Mentally tell her "you are the weakest link, goodbye". Mentally thank her for this
contact because now you know for certain that you're better off without her.
Be certain in what you're doing. The certainty is your frame.
CuddleJunkie
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What Reykhel said, and block her on everything, changer your phone number if she goes the bitchy/crazy route, I had to do it for the same problem. It's easy as **** and you just can text your new number to your contacts.
Thread carefully.
If you're still feeling like that..."like I was raped or something and I feel used", and you're throwing yourself
back into the dating world, you're walking into a potential minefield. If you get dumped, rejected or used by one of your plates or potential plates, is your frame strong enough to handle it? is your inner confidence strong enough to handle it? Is the essence of your ex out of your system or are you going to project her ghost onto your new plates?
If you start your new adventures with your plates with the same mindset that you have/had when you started your relationship with your ex, don't be surprised if history repeats itself......again...and again.
So you didn't feel that "you acted like a man, you didn't trust your gut, and you didn't walk away when she showed you who she was by her actions"
Can you change the past?
Can you learn anything from it?
Will it serve you to beat yourself up over it?
Will it serve you to learn from it?
What can you do differently to ensure past LESSONS don't need to be learned again?
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I feel like no matter what I do I'm in danger. The best thing for me do is to forget about women for the next 3 months but at the same time there is a huge emptiness in my life now. Its hard to do the smart thing when I can go out and get my fix from another women. And I know that it wont even give me the fix that I'm looking for.
I think one of the biggest reasons I feel I need a new girl has to do with proving something to my X. Like telling her I've moved on and I don't care about her. Obviously I'm not operating from a healthy frame. But when I'm perusing other women, taking them out, for a little bit I don't feel depressed.
Felt pretty good earlier this morning and once again I having a feeling of being worthless. I know what I would say to someone in my situation - fuk this chick, make yourself a priority and everything good will fall into place - but its hard to take my own advice. I know this girl is dead but my mind wont let go.
The only way it will let go is by replacing her.... immediately.
Today is day 7 of NC
I feel better than I did a week ago. My X and I broke up 6 times over 18 months so part of me is having a hard time accepting that it IS over. I had a dream last night that it was 6 months from now and my X showed up at my house and was trying to kiss me and pretend everything was back to normal but I didn't let her kiss me and told her to go.
I feel better than I did a week ago. My X and I broke up 6 times over 18 months so part of me is having a hard time accepting that it IS over. I had a dream last night that it was 6 months from now and my X showed up at my house and was trying to kiss me and pretend everything was back to normal but I didn't let her kiss me and told her to go.
"What does it mean when a man falls in love with a radiant face across the room? It may mean that he has some soul work to do. His soul is the issue.Instead of pursuing the woman and trying to get her alone, away from her husband, he needs to go alone himself, perhaps to a mountain cabin for three months, write poetry, canoe down a river, and dream. That would save some women a lot of trouble" Robert Bly
"A match has been found for me at last; I have fallen in love with a shrub oak." Henry David Thoreau
