The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Darrenez]

The understanding of how abusive, manipulative and horrible human being she is, is slowly starting to sink in.

I find myself no longer being physically attracted to her. If anything, I need to kick myself for being so blind; I'm way out of her league and I was REALLY settling down for her.

I'm starting to feel indifferent. The other day I saw her and her new boyfriend walking together. Seeing them together didn't bother me at all. It really felt like she's just another girl.

At first, I was doing things to "spite" her: Going out, meeting women, working out, studying..."Let's see how this b!tch will react when she sees the new me and know she can't have me! hahaha!", Now I'm at a point where I say to myself "Who the f**k cares of what she thinks? For all I care she's a dog on the street"

I know that after breakup, especially the hard ones, our body and mind enters a roller coaster - with incredible highs and what sometimes may seem as unbearable lows, I don't know if my roller coaster is finally coming to its end but it sure feels like it. I see many gents who stood by my side along the way:
Noyou, PairPlusRoyalFish, StuffOfLegends, Behind_The_Lines, Mauser96, TheMonkeyKing, SoSuave666, Colette, beatjunkie
All these people I met here on SoSuave has made this journey the best learning experience I could (possibly) ever have out of my situation.

It took me 7 months to get to this point and I can honestly say I am 1,000,000 times better. This breakup taught me a lot about women, myself and life. It took me to places I never thought I will get to.

If anything, some day I will thank my ex for getting where I will get to.

I hope to never post in this thread again, and all you new NCers - keep the NC. good luck

Good for you mate, out of interest how long were you with her
Was it a serious relationship, I need to get where you are:wave:

 

[mikey2012]

NC is easy but how you guys stop stalking ex on FB ? She is always one click away ...

You need to exhibit self control and willpower not to click. These days it's much harder to execute NC because of what you mentioned . FB . Even what's app stalking is so easy. Before social media you didn't have these temptations.

But by self control you ascend to a higher level . You become alpha . You become a better person. It's like a fat person trying to lose weight but everytime he walks buy a pizza joint he wants to go in for a peek which ultimately derails his goal of losing weight.

You just need to resist this temptation and get along with your life . This in practice is easier said than done but once you do it you will feel some sense of achievement.

As someone once said, if you can do something 99% other people can't then you have evolved to be the superior man.

 

[mikey2012]

Got dumped 2 weeks ago after 7 year relationship.... the last 10 months long distance.

My biggest surprise is that she hasn't contacted me at all after this time (2 weeks). I've seen her conversations with her friends where she asks them "Is it okay I haven't said anything to him yet?" and they just tell her "That's excellent! He'll get the message that its finally over!"

She will be coming back to town in 2 weeks. When she dumped me, she said she should meet for coffee at this time. At first I thought I would and show her how alpha and unaffected I was, but after reconsidering it......I'm not going to.

She might text and call a lot, and may even turn up at my house if I just ignore. Don't want to deal with that. Then again, she probably doesn't care that much and I'm probably over thinking things.

Mornings seem to be the worst part. Waking up with that lingering pain. It's like I don't want to accept reality and wish I could wake up in another situation where she is with me. The pain seems to subside during the day and usually channels into dislike for that total b!tch.

I always thought she had a thing for this guy from work. Two months after moving to the country town, I visited her and caught her deleting text messages in front of me between them. I raged, but she explained she was just asking him for relationship advice about us. I was stupid enough to buy it. I would always keep an eye on their Facebook interactions, and always try to check her messages on her phone secretly when I visited her. They definitely seemed to be a bit too buddy-buddy for my liking. She would message him more than me.

The funny thing is that the guy is like 5'5 manlet and I'm 6'2. But the guy has Facebook photos with just tons of girls with him in every pic and seems very "charismatic". Anyway, a couple of times I found out she lied about going to dinner with him when she said she went with a group of people. I raged again, but she explained that she didn't tell me because she "knew I'd get angry and that they are just friends."

I then got told how I was so possessive and controlling and that she should be able to be friends with whoever she wants. Well, now here's the irony - I now see after the break up a Facebook convo which took place 2 weeks before she dumped me where her friends are encouraging her to date this manlet and saying how great he is - even linking her to articles saying how "Short Guys Make Better Lovers". Makes me want to smash their ****ing skulls in to be honest. How dare she accuse me of that when I was right!

I really don't love her any more. But I feel I want to "Get back at her". Not violently. Just I want to "win" the break up. Everyone says "just be the better person"....yeah that's fine.....but is there anything I can actively do? How do I make her suffer? How do I make her regret her decision? How do I make her cry like a baby the way she made me cry?

Any insight is much appreciated.

The fact that you want to get back at her means you still do care! Deep down you still love her and haven't let go . It's hard because you have been in a long relationship. It will tough and it will take a long time to rid these feelings. My advice is to focus on your mission, the bigger picture . If you have a chance then move away from your city and get a job somewhere else. A new environment will help you get over her faster. But remember one thing all relationships end sooner or later.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

Objectives of NC are two-fold, equally important, yet disproportionately effortful, with varying degrees of unwarranted emphasis apportioned.

The two primary objectives -

1. The ACT of Not Contacting
Effort (theoretically) needed: 10%
Effort (generally) actually apportioned: 70-80%

Many guys who come this thread talk mostly about this objective, at least in the short term.


2. The ACT of finding other things to do, people to see and occupy time and mind
Effort (theoretically) needed: 90-99%
Effort (generally) actually apportioned: 20-30%

In summary, far more emphasis seems to be placed on the solitary act of not contacting a woman/ex, than is placed on attending to every other aspect of life and simply moving on.

It's easier said than done, but the ACT of not contacting an ex is not the primary consideration when trying to get life back on track. It is getting on with life and meeting others that will have a far greater and longer-lasting influence.

Carry on men.

 

[mikey2012]

Objectives of NC are two-fold, equally important, yet disproportionately effortful, with varying degrees of unwarranted emphasis apportioned.

The two primary objectives -

1. The ACT of Not Contacting
Effort (theoretically) needed: 10%
Effort (generally) actually apportioned: 70-80%

Many guys who come this thread talk mostly about this objective, at least in the short term.


2. The ACT of finding other things to do, people to see and occupy time and mind
Effort (theoretically) needed: 90-99%
Effort (generally) actually apportioned: 20-30%

In summary, far more emphasis seems to be placed on the solitary act of not contacting a woman/ex, than is placed on attending to every other aspect of life and simply moving on.

It's easier said than done, but the ACT of not contacting an ex is not the primary consideration when trying to get life back on track. It is getting on with life and meeting others that will have a far greater and longer-lasting influence.

Carry on men.

That's because you have lost something..makes it much harder

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

That's because you have lost something..makes it much harder

That is not in question.

Sometimes we just need to remind ourselves of logical reality though, when many minds are clouded by the emotive fog.

 

[mikey2012]

That is not in question.

Sometimes we just need to remind ourselves of logical reality though, when many minds are clouded by the emotive fog.

That's an oxymoron. It's hard to be logical when one is emotional...

 

[Between_The_Lines]

Some of the best that this thread has to offer can be found in all the stories of guys who wound up realizing that their oh so saccharin versions of "the one" turned out, funny enough, to be the one in a way they never would have ever dreamed of..

 

[JohnyTheArrow]

"Love" is serious drug, on par with heroine, people kill, people commit suicide,people get trauma for years.It's funny at school teach you all random or useless stuff but they don't teach how to manage your emotions and then it ends with trauma or worse.

But they can't tell you truth, love is great buisness, movie industry,music industry,wedding industry ... almost everything is built on the myth of eternal love.Blue pill men slave all their life for love or promise of love.

What is love ? It's just a feeling ... same like fear or anger but brain drugs you much harder because your point of life is to replicate.That's why it makes you feel so good and energetic.Love is your internal heroine, keep this always on your mind.Love is always blind because if it wouldn't you could see all it's insanity and reject it.How much more insane can it be to kill yourself for "love" ? It's the ultimate motivation, get the girl, get her DNA,replicate or DIE.It's not you, it's your stupid brain.Switch on the cold logic and you will it through.

This website is priceless to get some basic how brain, emotions, feelings works :

http://www.prettyfedup.com/index.htm

Many of us are shamed, we cry, we lie, we are in despair, we beg ... for ex to come back. There is no shame in that. It's normal.It's human. The love ... ugh your heroine
has been taken from you and your addicted brain will do everything to get it.You are just a junkie.Forgive yourself only the experience and knowledge can help you understand you go through withdrawal of the drug.It's always hard. And your ex ? She slowly get off you for months most probably, she planned and prepared, she is iff the drug it's only you who got cought by suprise.**** her.Get grip, withdraw from the addiction and get even better drug )

That's why NC works so good.You cut off your brain from the drug brutally, you cut off the "pleasure" connected with ex.Pain is also pleasure.It hurts to contact ex but you still get drugged even from pain she gives you.Your brain forces you to suffer like a junkie ... who will do everything to get his drug back.

 

[mikey2012]

“The key distinction here is that women will change their conditions even if their life is perfect. If a woman happens to actually achieve a life where she is literally happy all the time, i.e. she has the perfect job, the perfect kids, the perfect marriage, and she’s physically fit, for a while she’ll bask in that happiness. However, slowly, over time, she will start to feel uncomfortable. She’ll start to feel like something is wrong. She will actually start to feel uneasy or guilty. Eventually, she will do something in her life to cause herself unhappiness”

Excerpt From: Jones, Caleb. “The Unchained Man.” iBooks.
This material may be protected by copyright.

 

[JohnyTheArrow]

“The key distinction here is that women will change their conditions even if their life is perfect. If a woman happens to actually achieve a life where she is literally happy all the time, i.e. she has the perfect job, the perfect kids, the perfect marriage, and she’s physically fit, for a while she’ll bask in that happiness. However, slowly, over time, she will start to feel uncomfortable. She’ll start to feel like something is wrong. She will actually start to feel uneasy or guilty. Eventually, she will do something in her life to cause herself unhappiness”

Excerpt From: Jones, Caleb. “The Unchained Man.” iBooks.
This material may be protected by copyright.

I love this guy.I recommend EVERYBODY to read his oneitis post on his blackdragonblog.

Gold :

http://www.blackdragonblog.com/2012/03/11/nine-steps-to-avoid-neediness-and-oneitis/

Read,understand,accept and live with no drama and pain anymore.

I think it's not only with women, we are naturally programmed to "explore" if are life feels too good something is wrong, it's the brain trying to motivate us to make it better.Until you are not into zen,meditation and spirutality you will NEVER be happy.NEVER EVER.Happiness is drug sold to you in extremly limited quality.

I believe EVERY oneitis can be replaced by another one.The problem is "chosiness" of your brain, your brain figured out her DNA is best, so you need a lot of new samples
to give this feeling to brain again.If you could easily date like 100 women per month you would get one oneitis after another because you try-and-check a lot of "samples" some match some don't.You suffer and cry over oneitis because you know how HARD it will be to find such good "sample".You don't love her, you love the feelings she creates inside of you.You love the drug your brain gives you anytime you are with her.You are just a junkie and she is a drugdealer.

Now imagine ... you oneitis leaves you ... same day women of caliber like Angelina call you and beg to get ****ed ... would you cry over oneitis ? NO ... because you could
instantly replace old drug with another even better one.Now you see ... all this drama about your ex ... is artificial ... you just cry you lost EASY access to powerful drug.You don't miss your ex, you miss same power of feelings.If other woman could give it to you instantly you wouldn't give **** about ex.

 

[petitefri]

Hey
sorry am back! so this morning, i checked my phone at 9ish and there was a text from the ex bf. asking how i settled into my new pace and anyways, i just want to know if you are ok.
not replying.
i went ghost on him a little above a month ago . i don't know what to do. i know amanita supposed to reply, but am pissed as to why he cares when he hurt me ! can't i just move on. i have actually but very time i think i am happy with someone ,something comes up....f***k

 

[Noyou]

Hey
sorry am back! so this morning, i checked my phone at 9ish and there was a text from the ex bf. asking how i settled into my new pace and anyways, i just want to know if you are ok.
not replying.
i went ghost on him a little above a month ago . i don't know what to do. i know amanita supposed to reply, but am pissed as to why he cares when he hurt me ! can't i just move on. i have actually but very time i think i am happy with someone ,something comes up....f***k

Just for an ego trip. Wouldn't give too much thought into it

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

That's an oxymoron. It's hard to be logical when one is emotional...

Not really and oxymoron. Just a difficult thing to do when perception is clouded.

That's why we post the things we do; because we know that others are struggling through the fog and they need to read uplifting material.

 

[YeeZus]

So today I met a common friend of me & my EX. He just told me she keeps asking about me to him (How is he doing, Is he fine bla bla). She is about to get married in few weeks.. whats that all about?

As a matter of fact we work together and she sees me all cool and confident

 

[narcissist]

UPDATE AFTER 1 YEAR OF NO CONTACT

Well, it has been 1 year and 1 month to be precise. So about 13 months.

Where do I begin. Well, firstly I thought I would never write in here again but I forced myself to after I had found something interesting out. This something interesting instilled a very good feeling in me, but because I felt good about it, I knew I was still hurting on the inside. The fact that I was so happy over this "thing" that I found out, is very maladaptive.

What is this "thing" you ask? Well, my ex, the one I broke up with over a year ago, the girl that drove me to this site, the girl that forced me to post my very first post on sosuave has broken up with the boyfriend she got with a couple months after me. This for some reason made me really happy. Like, too happy. Scarily happy. And that really begs the question: Why on earth am I so happy that they broke up?

I have come to a conclusion. It is because I want her to be as lonely as I feel.

F*cked right? I know. Believe me I'm disappointed in myself too.

I have realized just now that I never really got over her. After a year and one month of truly going out and bettering myself (working out, gaming, readin, writing a journal etc etc) and doing REAL NC (for like 375 days) and having s3x with I can only imagine is over 10-15 girls I'm still not over this girl.

aaggggh. It feels good to admit it. But holy sh*t, I mean its been like 375 days. When the hell will i ever ACTUALLY get over her?!

I was actually thinking about following her instagram. I know. Pitiful. I wont be doing it dont worry.

Its crazy. I don't think one day has gone by in the past 13 months that I haven't thought about her at least once. I still keep an eye out for her when im out, consciously looking around to see if i can see her. It doesn't matter where I am. I could be in a place where she would NEVER be, and I still do it.

I still fantasize about getting back with her, and sleeping with her, showering with her, doing all sort's of AFC bullsh*t with her.

Maybe I just have to accept that I will actually never move on. Maybe Its because she was my first girlfriend. Maybe its because we dated for 3 years. Maybe its because we took each others virginity.

I really thought I was making progress. And I got ALL giddy when I found out her and her new bf broke up.

I feel like it is because I am upset that I'm lonely and she isn't and now that she is lonely again I feel happy. Its soooooo f*cked that that's how I feel. I just feel like scum for even being happy at someone else's unhappiness.

What do you guys think?

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

Narc, a few thoughts....

UPDATE AFTER 1 YEAR OF NO CONTACT

Well, it has been 1 year and 1 month to be precise. So about 13 months.

Where do I begin. Well, firstly I thought I would never write in here again but I forced myself to after I had found something interesting out. This something interesting instilled a very good feeling in me, but because I felt good about it, I knew I was still hurting on the inside. The fact that I was so happy over this "thing" that I found out, is very maladaptive.

What is this "thing" you ask? Well, my ex, the one I broke up with over a year ago, the girl that drove me to this site, the girl that forced me to post my very first post on sosuave has broken up with the boyfriend she got with a couple months after me. This for some reason made me really happy. Like, too happy. Scarily happy. And that really begs the question: Why on earth am I so happy that they broke up?

I have come to a conclusion. It is because I want her to be as lonely as I feel.

F*cked right? I know. Believe me I'm disappointed in myself too.

No disappointment to be had. This type of embittered reaction is quite natural and not one I am unfamiliar with.

All there is to say is that it is still a negative frame of mind to be in. Though it is reassuring to know that your ex is in the same state, ask yourself if you really wish it upon her... really.

A bit like we mentioned before about identifying emotions, by all means, know that you feel a certain justice is done with the ex being single again too. But then, let go of it and move on. Holding on to the negativity will only effect you anyway, not her.

I have realized just now that I never really got over her. After a year and one month of truly going out and bettering myself (working out, gaming, readin, writing a journal etc etc) and doing REAL NC (for like 375 days) and having s3x with I can only imagine is over 10-15 girls I'm still not over this girl.

aaggggh. It feels good to admit it. But holy sh*t, I mean its been like 375 days. When the hell will i ever ACTUALLY get over her?!

It took three similar scenarios for me to learn the true red-pill way. But then I am 10 years older than you. Some chicks you will never get over entirely. But we can sleep easy in the knowledge that we can and will find better options.

With respect, you are still very young (and I am somewhat jealous!). But look how far you have come in a year. Imagine where you'll be in another year, or even five, or 10. There are chicks I still miss; but I accept that they are in the past and that's unfortunately where they have to remain.

One of the best pieces of advice I ever heard is that a lifetime of opportunity may be missed by the regret of one opportunity missed.

I was actually thinking about following her instagram. I know. Pitiful. I wont be doing it dont worry.

Its crazy. I don't think one day has gone by in the past 13 months that I haven't thought about her at least once. I still keep an eye out for her when im out, consciously looking around to see if i can see her. It doesn't matter where I am. I could be in a place where she would NEVER be, and I still do it.

Like the feelings about her situation, this 'looking around for her' shows you do still care. But then there's no shame in it. Know that you will finally move on at some point, but even then you will still have thoughts about people from the past; but you will simply likely have new and stronger thoughts and feelings for someone else which will then be your priority.

I still fantasize about getting back with her, and sleeping with her, showering with her, doing all sort's of AFC bullsh*t with her.

Maybe I just have to accept that I will actually never move on. Maybe Its because she was my first girlfriend. Maybe its because we dated for 3 years. Maybe its because we took each others virginity.

I really thought I was making progress. And I got ALL giddy when I found out her and her new bf broke up.

I feel like it is because I am upset that I'm lonely and she isn't and now that she is lonely again I feel happy. Its soooooo f*cked that that's how I feel. I just feel like scum for even being happy at someone else's unhappiness.

It's natural. But do your best to let it go. What's done is done and you have yourself, and new experiences and people to focus on now. Allow her to be happy. With all the progress you've made, her situation/state of mind has little or nothing to do with you now.

What do you guys think?

 

[JohnyTheArrow]

What do you guys think?

You are not busy enough.Too much time to think.

 

[mikey2012]

UPDATE AFTER 1 YEAR OF NO CONTACT

Well, it has been 1 year and 1 month to be precise. So about 13 months.

Where do I begin. Well, firstly I thought I would never write in here again but I forced myself to after I had found something interesting out. This something interesting instilled a very good feeling in me, but because I felt good about it, I knew I was still hurting on the inside. The fact that I was so happy over this "thing" that I found out, is very maladaptive.

What is this "thing" you ask? Well, my ex, the one I broke up with over a year ago, the girl that drove me to this site, the girl that forced me to post my very first post on sosuave has broken up with the boyfriend she got with a couple months after me. This for some reason made me really happy. Like, too happy. Scarily happy. And that really begs the question: Why on earth am I so happy that they broke up?

I have come to a conclusion. It is because I want her to be as lonely as I feel.

F*cked right? I know. Believe me I'm disappointed in myself too.

I have realized just now that I never really got over her. After a year and one month of truly going out and bettering myself (working out, gaming, readin, writing a journal etc etc) and doing REAL NC (for like 375 days) and having s3x with I can only imagine is over 10-15 girls I'm still not over this girl.

aaggggh. It feels good to admit it. But holy sh*t, I mean its been like 375 days. When the hell will i ever ACTUALLY get over her?!

I was actually thinking about following her instagram. I know. Pitiful. I wont be doing it dont worry.

Its crazy. I don't think one day has gone by in the past 13 months that I haven't thought about her at least once. I still keep an eye out for her when im out, consciously looking around to see if i can see her. It doesn't matter where I am. I could be in a place where she would NEVER be, and I still do it.

I still fantasize about getting back with her, and sleeping with her, showering with her, doing all sort's of AFC bullsh*t with her.

Maybe I just have to accept that I will actually never move on. Maybe Its because she was my first girlfriend. Maybe its because we dated for 3 years. Maybe its because we took each others virginity.

I really thought I was making progress. And I got ALL giddy when I found out her and her new bf broke up.

I feel like it is because I am upset that I'm lonely and she isn't and now that she is lonely again I feel happy. Its soooooo f*cked that that's how I feel. I just feel like scum for even being happy at someone else's unhappiness.

What do you guys think?

I guess you truly loved her....you can never get over the ones you truly loved..

 

[Noyou]

I guess you truly loved her....you can never get over the ones you truly loved..

Ok maybe you truly loved her, but ask yourself these questions

Does she love you now?
Did she stick with you during the hard times?
Is she with you now?
Was she faithful?
Was she honest?

More than likely you'll say no to most of that.

You might love her still but she is a damaged female who can't handle adversity. She bailed on you more than likely during a hard point or low point in your life and she found something "better"
I had the same problem too and I woke up and saw things for what they really were:

She never really loved me, was more about that ego trip and control
She lied several times in the relationship, I lied once, and very minor and she crucified me for it.
She didn't want the hard times but she wanted the Disney life
She's not with me now and is trying or found a lesser mark than myself
I question was she ever faithful to me fully

Now I got females knocking on my door wanting me more than the ex ever wanted me.

You have to put things In perspective. More than likely you used NC to get her back and she never called. That's ok, you found out 2 things.
1. She clearly doesn't want you, but she can't help herself because she herself doesn't know what she wants and more than likely get what she doesn't want. Be glad you are not a part of that. I have friends that are married and have kids tell me that I'm lucky, I'm young, career has started, no kids and that they are jealous of me.
2. You are a normal human being with feelings. Use your actions of sadness, depression or anger, and go run, hit the gym, work on your career, etc. You deserve someone who cares just as much as you do and will not take you for granted. You do not need that drama you had with your ex in your life.

You'll find out if you are you, women will flock to you just like your ex did, but realize there is always someone better than your ex.