The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[beatjunkie]

Question: been reading and trying out some meditation techniques and inspirational quotes and all that. i keep bumping into ideas like "stop being bitter" or "forgiveness" as imperative for any closure or self advancement. **** im half way thru a meditation when i hear "forgive" amd bam everything failed. So what do you guys think, does NC make it worse? because right now i have a whole lot of bitterness and hate bottled inside and im wordering how i can let that go without contacting her?

ps. below is an example quote.

"Stop being bitter. Accept, understand and sympathetically resolve the problem and strife is bound to be eliminated from your life."

how can one sympathetically resolve a problem with NC?

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

Question: been reading and trying out some meditation techniques and inspirational quotes and all that. i keep bumping into ideas like "stop being bitter" or "forgiveness" as imperative for any closure or self advancement. **** im half way thru a meditation when i hear "forgive" amd bam everything failed. So what do you guys think, does NC make it worse? because right now i have a whole lot of bitterness and hate bottled inside and im wordering how i can let that go without contacting her?

ps. below is an example quote.

"Stop being bitter. Accept, understand and sympathetically resolve the problem and strife is bound to be eliminated from your life."

how can one sympathetically resolve a problem with NC?

beatjunkie:

Dude, look up the 5 stages of the grieving process; forgiveness is not one of them. Rather, it seems like more of a spiritual or religious nuance, probably why you confront the experience while meditating.

I accept that my ex had real issues an they contributed drastically to how she treated me, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't still make me mad; only yesterday I had those dark thoughts.

-I accept that her father is a fat waste of space who uses his daughter as a personal assistant and expects her to call him by his given name, because 'he doesn't feel like her father any more', after the breakdown of the marriage to her mother (class A beta, if ever there was).
-I accept that her mother remarried (to her old maths teacher) and didn't tell her nor her siblings for SIX MONTHS.
-I accept her ex-husband was an alcoholic.

I accept all of these things played a part in the way she treated me in the end. I was strong enough to take the **** that none of those other people in her life could. I accept that she transferred most of the anxiety from the above list on to me, and continues to do so. But I don't care enough any more to have to 'forgive'. I just accept and move on. Because I am a man. And a better, tougher man for the experience. And for that (maybe perversely) I am actually sort of thankful, because I know I am moving toward a better place.

 

[yonggg]

Question: been reading and trying out some meditation techniques and inspirational quotes and all that. i keep bumping into ideas like "stop being bitter" or "forgiveness" as imperative for any closure or self advancement. **** im half way thru a meditation when i hear "forgive" amd bam everything failed. So what do you guys think, does NC make it worse? because right now i have a whole lot of bitterness and hate bottled inside and im wordering how i can let that go without contacting her?

ps. below is an example quote.

"Stop being bitter. Accept, understand and sympathetically resolve the problem and strife is bound to be eliminated from your life."

how can one sympathetically resolve a problem with NC?

i feel exactly like yours bro,
it feels like i should forgive to stop myself from bitterness and hate inside.

 

[Backwardsman]

i feel exactly like yours bro,
it feels like i should forgive to stop myself from bitterness and hate inside.

Exactly, forgive yourself and forgive her, just let go, no fear, no anger....

The great yoda saying from star wars sums this up -

" Fear leads to hate, hate leads to anger, anger leads to suffering"

Be happy within yourself, and all good will come...

 

[VenX]

Exactly, forgive yourself and forgive her, just let go, no fear, no anger....

The great yoda saying from star wars sums this up -

" Fear leads to hate, hate leads to anger, anger leads to suffering"

Be happy within yourself, and all good will come...

How do you forgive?

Every time I try, the thoughts emerge of how she could so easily give up on a 3 year LTR, how she was ungrateful for everything I have done for her, and how out of nowhere, she just decided to inconsiderately end it during a difficult time in my life.

 

[Cheeks]

How do you forgive?

Every time I try, the thoughts emerge of how she could so easily give up on a 3 year LTR, how she was ungrateful for everything I have done for her, and how out of nowhere, she just decided to inconsiderately end it during a difficult time in my life.

Fvck forgiveness. Hate the ***** all you want. Don't understand this need for forgiveness.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

I'm just waiting to meet a chick that doesn't do something to warrant my needing to forgive. ffs.

 

[Backwardsman]

How do you forgive?

Every time I try, the thoughts emerge of how she could so easily give up on a 3 year LTR, how she was ungrateful for everything I have done for her, and how out of nowhere, she just decided to inconsiderately end it during a difficult time in my life.

forgive by letting go, not by telling her you forgive her there is no need to do that, the more you think about hating her the more damage it will do to yourself - Our thoughts are very powerful, change your thoughts, forgive and move forward

 

[Dmb11122334]

Day 14 not a great day almost cracked but stayed strong. I am hopeful this gets easier. I don't even want her back I just want to yell at her and thank her for being so unreasonable. But I can write that down and just throw it out and it feels pretty good. Probably not as good as saying it to her would but much better after for not breaking NC. Best of luck guys

 

[beatjunkie]

thank you all for your replies. it appears there is a way to forgive without contacting her; forgive urself and move on.

Day 9

 

[narcissist]

Hope you all are doing good!


I just wanna throw something out there.


You will never truly get over a woman that was a fundamental character in your life story

I have realized this over and over and over again.

The past 6 months getting over my ex has given me clarity. They will haunt the periphery of your life forever really.

But thats not a bad thing

Take it for what it is and move on. They were a integral character in your story and journey and now they are gone. Cherish the memory for what it is, but DONT DWELL in that memory.

There were good times and bad times. Take the good ones and use them to keep a smile on your face. Take the bad ones and learn from them, untiringly.


There is a very important thing that you must all realize.

The girl is gone, and even if she wants you back it will end up the same. Emotional turmoil.

Don't dwell on the notion of having her physically in your presence. You do not need her physically in your life to make it a fruitful one. You still have memories, and those can sometimes be better then the real thing.



The point I am trying to get at is this. Don't try to get over her. You wont. She will be in the haunted periphery of your subconscious forever.

What you should do is come to grips without her presence in your life. By realizing that it is unnecessary to have her physically.

Looking back on your relationship, it most definitely seems like a fleeting moment, a memory that cannot be fully remembered.

Move past the fact that her physical presence is gone forever. Leave it open for other women. Let others in your life. You are the leading actor in your movie. That role of supporting actress will be filled again. By many women, some not as good as your ex. Some that are very similar to your ex. And some that far surpass your ex in every single way.

Stay strong. Meditate. Be content. Live and love life. Its a crazy fvcking experience. But its short. So don't dwell. Before you know it you'll be the fleeting memory.

 

[beatjunkie]

narcissist! thanks for the post. u said some things however that threw me off a bit and has me reconsidering this whole NC thing maan

The point I am trying to get at is this. Don't try to get over her. You wont. She will be in the haunted periphery of your subconscious forever.

i thought the whole point of NC was to get OVER her?

 

[funkychunk19]

NC is for you to move on. Yes its hard, but its the best way. No disrespect intended to you beat, but from the outside looking in, you seem like a guy that really wants to do the NC, but youre also trying to find excuses as to why you want to contact her. Let it be, move on, if she contacts you, you decide the next step. It super hard, im at 3.5 months. Not easy at all, but itsgetting easier. Stick iit out, and stop trying to find reasons to break the Nc.

 

[beatjunkie]

NC is for you to move on. Yes its hard, but its the best way. No disrespect intended to you beat, but from the outside looking in, you seem like a guy that really wants to do the NC, but youre also trying to find excuses as to why you want to contact her. Let it be, move on, if she contacts you, you decide the next step. It super hard, im at 3.5 months. Not easy at all, but itsgetting easier. Stick iit out, and stop trying to find reasons to break the Nc.

none taken at all! and you are right; its like i'm trying to find an excuse to contact her again..she sent a txt 9 days ago (how are u) and i never replied. i feel bad because i'm not usual that type of person to cut off ppl. but i will do this challenge for as long as I can because i KNOW i lost some respect with her and myself by begging, crying blah blah. this is the same girl who said she loved someone else but was in my palm and control just a month ago...sucks man. and i work with this b! (same building, so i take fire exits to get around, dont wanna see her cause i may go back to moush)

3.5 months is impressive! keep it mate and thanks for the encouragement!

 

[Darrenez]

Just joined after reading this thread and thought I'd ask a question. My ex girlfriend broke up with me last Friday after 6 years. I have initiated no contact since and haven't called her back after missing a call from her..her reasons for finishing with me are complicated however the main one is she sees me as just a friend now and isn't in love with me and that she just loves me. Obviously I don't want to be friends with her I want to work things out as we were great together and get on so well.

At the end of the day after suffering from depression and not holding down a job during those 6 years ,she feels as if she is on the right track now and wants to start enjoying life a bit more and going out without me so she is single.

We went out for a meal last week and she said she sees me as a friend now and not a boyfriend.. I did try to convince her to work things out however I didn't cry in front of her and didn't beg which I'm happy about. I miss her like mad, 6 years is a long time and we went through quite a lot together during that time. I did let her down once a few years ago and that is another reason we aren't together now.

Myn question is , does Nc work in a way to win her back? I understand it is not for that exactly more for us..however I don't want not answering her call to make her think I'm not interested in her etc...

Thanks in advance guys

 

[narcissist]

Just joined after reading this thread and thought I'd ask a question. My ex girlfriend broke up with me last Friday after 6 years. I have initiated no contact since and haven't called her back after missing a call from her..her reasons for finishing with me are complicated however the main one is she sees me as just a friend now and isn't in love with me and that she just loves me. Obviously I don't want to be friends with her I want to work things out as we were great together and get on so well.

At the end of the day after suffering from depression and not holding down a job during those 6 years ,she feels as if she is on the right track now and wants to start enjoying life a bit more and going out without me so she is single.

We went out for a meal last week and she said she sees me as a friend now and not a boyfriend.. I did try to convince her to work things out however I didn't cry in front of her and didn't beg which I'm happy about. I miss her like mad, 6 years is a long time and we went through quite a lot together during that time. I did let her down once a few years ago and that is another reason we aren't together now.

Myn question is , does Nc work in a way to win her back? I understand it is not for that exactly more for us..however I don't want not answering her call to make her think I'm not interested in her etc...

Thanks in advance guys

At this point winning her back shouldn't even be on your mind. As hard as it it to comprehend this fully you have to realize that she may NEVER want you back.

So if you are doing this with the intention of getting her back you are in for a great dissapointment, because what you think might win her back is only going to backfire on your emotions when you dont get her back and she still wants to stay single.

At this point you need to move on and start bettering yourself with the prospect that she may NEVER come back. Dont set yourself up for disaster.

Go out. Sleep with ther girls. Maybe you like one of them a lot more then your ex. Who knows.

But right now you must move on, and you must seriously consider that she may never come back. Get your mind straight. Go out and experience other things. If she comes back? Great! But by that time you may not even want her.


I warn you though, if you dont at least try to move on your gunna fvck your self over emotionally. So your goal should be to pretend she doesn't exist and move on without her. Its hard but if you dont your gunna walk straight into a emotionally desolate trap.

Good luck

 

[Darrenez]

At this point winning her back shouldn't even be on your mind. As hard as it it to comprehend this fully you have to realize that she may NEVER want you back.

So if you are doing this with the intention of getting her back you are in for a great dissapointment, because what you think might win her back is only going to backfire on your emotions when you dont get her back and she still wants to stay single.

At this point you need to move on and start bettering yourself with the prospect that she may NEVER come back. Dont set yourself up for disaster.

Go out. Sleep with ther girls. Maybe you like one of them a lot more then your ex. Who knows.

But right now you must move on, and you must seriously consider that she may never come back. Get your mind straight. Go out and experience other things. If she comes back? Great! But by that time you may not even want her.


I warn you though, if you dont at least try to move on your gunna fvck your self over emotionally. So your goal should be to pretend she doesn't exist and move on without her. Its hard but if you dont your gunna walk straight into a emotionally desolate trap.

Good luck

Thank you for the quick reply..I understand what you are saying , its just so hard when everything reminds me of her, all the memories , gifts etc mean nothing now as we are not together. I'm not too bad at work its just in the evening at home that its worse. I already weight train 4 times a week on my lunch breaks so maybe in the evening I need to find a club to join.

Its so hard to accept that we may never be together again as we were intending to get married. I know she will be in contact at somepoint as she will want her ring back. What will she think of me not contacting her answering her calls?

I know she will miss me but not sure if it will be enough for her to want to get back with me..there is a bit of history where I let her down once over something quite bad and its played apart in our breakup.

Part of me thinks I should have maybe put more of an effort to let her know I wanted us to stay together. Don't get me wrong I did try to convince her but if its the way she feels there's nothing I can do

Maybe by doing NC she will feel like she wants to come back to me and things will work out although I know not to get my hopes up.

 

[Cheeks]

Thank you for the quick reply..I understand what you are saying , its just so hard when everything reminds me of her, all the memories , gifts etc mean nothing now as we are not together. I'm not too bad at work its just in the evening at home that its worse. I already weight train 4 times a week on my lunch breaks so maybe in the evening I need to find a club to join.

Its so hard to accept that we may never be together again as we were intending to get married. I know she will be in contact at somepoint as she will want her ring back. What will she think of me not contacting her answering her calls?

I know she will miss me but not sure if it will be enough for her to want to get back with me..there is a bit of history where I let her down once over something quite bad and its played apart in our breakup.

Part of me thinks I should have maybe put more of an effort to let her know I wanted us to stay together. Don't get me wrong I did try to convince her but if its the way she feels there's nothing I can do

Maybe by doing NC she will feel like she wants to come back to me and things will work out although I know not to get my hopes up.

Disappear, ignore her, don't even question it. You owe her nothing. Nothing you say or do will change her mind. All you can do is leave her alone and if she misses you, she'll come snooping around.

If you want a chance, go NC. It's really that simple.

 

[Darrenez]

Disappear, ignore her, don't even question it. You owe her nothing. Nothing you say or do will change her mind. All you can do is leave her alone and if she misses you, she'll come snooping around.

If you want a chance, go NC. It's really that simple.

You know I thought that would be the only way to win her back...by leaving her alone and hoping she misses me enough to want to give us another chance. I'm pretty sure she will text me soon as I have an engagement ring she wants and wants to give me the money for it. I'm sure how I will approach it when she does text me, the rules state to ignore her..Knowing my ex I'm pretty sure this will piss her off and she will be annoyed with me.

We actually went on a break last month before she decided to end it and I didn't contact her at all so I know I can do NC for at least 30 days:rockon: . During that time she did go on a date and told me she liked the way the other guy made her feel important etc and special on the date and she misses that feeling. We all know those early dates are always like that but it doesn't always last so part of me wouldn't be surprised if she is dating this other person right now and could be the reason she wanted a break. .

 

[Cheeks]

You know I thought that would be the only way to win her back...by leaving her alone and hoping she misses me enough to want to give us another chance. I'm pretty sure she will text me soon as I have an engagement ring she wants and wants to give me the money for it. I'm sure how I will approach it when she does text me, the rules state to ignore her..Knowing my ex I'm pretty sure this will piss her off and she will be annoyed with me.

We actually went on a break last month before she decided to end it and I didn't contact her at all so I know I can do NC for at least 30 days:rockon: . During that time she did go on a date and told me she liked the way the other guy made her feel important etc and special on the date and she misses that feeling. We all know those early dates are always like that but it doesn't always last so part of me wouldn't be surprised if she is dating this other person right now and could be the reason she wanted a break. .

You're being led around by this girl. A break is just an excuse for her to jump on another guy while keeping you on the back burner. 6 years is a long time but try not to let your emotions erode your self-respect. Read the basics on here and at therationalmale.com.

I would ignore all communication from her and return the ring to wherever you bought it. Don't let her have it.