The NEXTING MYTH

[guru1000]

If it often repeated that women are NEXTED too quickly. If the goal is to ATTAIN and RETAIN, why NEXT?

One with many available tangible or intangible options WILL NOT keep anything less than the highest IL women. Why would he need to? These MEN have their pick of the HIGH IL litter.

This MAN knows he can have an army of 1000 women at his beckin call. They may not prove to be HIGH IL or compatible in time. This is his motive to eliminate.

Nexting is not a sign of insecurity to the MAN with the ABUNDANCE mentality. It is his TANGIBLE (physical plates) and/or INTANGIBLES(ability to attain) options that create the atmosphere to accept nothing short of his liking.

This requires strength and awareness. The strength to ACT and the awareness to REALIZE his worth. It shows genuine CONFIDENCE mixed with a solid foundation of INTEGRITY and PERSONAL BOUNDARIES.

It is very easy to get caught up in the CONVENIENCE of relationships. It takes CHARACTER to move out of convenience and into a worthwhile investment.

I have done alot of walking away this past year. Mostly for reasons of incompatibility.

But

It seems the more often I do, the more HIGH IL women jump on this band wagon.

 

[ZenGodMod]

But wait. If you're THE MAN and you PICK a chick you like and invest time into her, why not try to keep her around?

I'm talking about super long ltr philosophy here. Like you've been dating a girl for 3 years and thought you were going to get married, and after some bumps, your sosuave friends urge you to next her against your gut.

This is of course assuming you are a MAN and not an AFC wimp and are just having some legitimate bumps.

In Sosuave, there are 2 types of men here. Those who believe in "Nexting" and those who Don't (believing in self improvement and controlled discipline).

Better go with your gut feeling. Listening to others and then taking action upon their advice is always wrong.

You have to walk the path of your life by yourself. Do what you think is right even when its wrong, and after failure we'll all still be here and you'd have grown.

But only you can learn these hard lessons by trying them out yourself without the influence of others.

We advise, we don't instructs. Follow your gut and leave us with our advises.

 

[KarmaSutra]

In Sosuave, there are 2 types of men here. Those who believe in "Nexting" and those who Don't (believing in self improvement and controlled discipline).

Better go with your gut feeling. Listening to others and then taking action upon their advice is always wrong.

You have to walk the path of your life by yourself. Do what you think is right even when its wrong, and after failure we'll all still be here and you'd have grown.

But only you can learn these hard lessons by trying them out yourself without the influence of others.

We advise, we don't instructs. Follow your gut and leave us with our advises.

This is the mentality I wish I had at 25. If I could rep you more I would.

Perfectly stated brother.

 

[guru1000]

But wait. If you're THE MAN and you PICK a chick you like and invest time into her, why not try to keep her around?

I'm talking about super long ltr philosophy here. Like you've been dating a girl for 3 years and thought you were going to get married, and after some bumps, your sosuave friends urge you to next her against your gut.

This is of course assuming you are a MAN and not an AFC wimp and are just having some legitimate bumps.

There are 2 sides to this coin.

If you have ever been to the the UK, you will have noticed you drive on the left hand side of the road. This feeling is very uncomfortable. Your GUT screams NO! But it is the correct way to drive there.

What you are feeling when you go against you GUT is COGNITIVE DISSONANCE.

Cognitive dissonance is a psychological state that describes the uncomfortable feeling between what one holds to be true and what one knows to be true. This feeling is SHATTERING because it is an instant PARADIGM SHIFT.

When career criminals are let out of prison(if they are let out), they go trough a vigorous 500 hour program to help UNTEACH thier GUT. Their GUT believes for example dealing drugs is normal.

You would be surprised how wrong the GUT may be sometimes.

This is why you should never follow the GUT 100%. You may listen to it, but do not put it's weight in GOLD.

Now back to your question. If you are having an LTR with legitimate bumps, what reason would you have to NEXT? Are you incompatible? Is she unfaithful?

This POST was for the MAN who puts his relationship before his integrity. He remains in an incompatible or abusive relationship because of fear or convenience.

This was most geared to the beginning stages (first few months) and dealing with flakes and outright PERSONAL BOUNDARY breakers.

With regard to LTR's, relationships are not in ABSOLUTE and black or white form. There are many grey areas. Do not misconstrue an ABSOLUTE by NEXTING a good girl in disagreement. The purpose of moving forward is to find the one most compatible with you.

Im glad you brought up the GUT. Many here are slaves to it.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

I hate to spoil a good thread, and I do agree with the NEXTing Myth proposed by GURU, but the simple fact of the matter is that 95% of people (men and women) simply wont NEXT someone they KNOW they should. Even in the worst of circumstances, the battered wife or the emotionally manipulated man will go right back to the source of his/her enslavement in the hopes that this time will be different.

One of the major issues people have with non-exclusivity is that once the practice of spinning plates yields rewards, the AFC defaults to his old mentality and either feels guilty for spinning plates or cannot bring himself to drop ANY plate for fear of rejection or losing out on his "dream girl", his ONE.

The biggest issue I have with all of the fantastic analysis and rational, concrete advice given here to guys with the same problems over and over is that, while we can accurately define a guys problems, the situation he's in and prescribe a course of action for him that will in most cases flawlessly remove him from his conditions and open up a better life to him - he simply WONT DO IT! All the rationality in the world doesn't convince him when even the most manipulative girl, he knows he needs to NEXT, is sitting in front of him, tears welling in her eyes saying "I'll change! please, I didn't know you were like this,...please,..I'll change." He loses his resolve, and goes right back to his previous conditions, that now are worse because he stood up and still couldn't pull a trigger. He's basically been tested and she's defeated him. This becomes her reinforcement and he's even more trapped.

People, men and women, simply don't initiate change in their lives unless they are forced to do so. Unless their backs are to the wall, gun to the head, people wont act. There are the precious few who will, but in these instances, they generally have nothing to lose or know they have better options waiting on them. And even then, they'll act in such a way as to try to make their present situation better than to chance rejection in a new situation. I catch a lot of sh!t for advocating that a guy NEXT as a default response. This isn't because I'm a prick or I think guys should be heartless; it's to teach this understanding that you CHOOSE who you'll associate with. You pick your friends and your lovers.

People don't NEXT unless they're forced to do so. Men and particularly women know this, that's why it is such a dramatic episode when a NEXTing does takes place. Even the LJBF girl will try to make everything alright, when her "friend" NEXTs her. It's ego preservation, even when she's never had nor considered sex with her "friend". Human's seek comfort and avoid confrontation by default. We have to train ourselves to act otherwise.

 

[The Bat]

I think lot of it is ego investment. I know because I've been there before. I was hesistant to NEXT because I thought I had something to prove...to anyone. That I wasn't a sore loser who couldn't get the girl. I was ashamed of myself because I thought if my friends (who, in my mind, are not as good looking) could nail lot of hot girls, then why can't I?

In hindsight, I was an incredible idiot. Not NEXTing was a sign of insecurity. It just showed that I was incredibly dependent on her and other's approval for my own personal happiness. I thought my life would be a waste if I didn't get so and so's approval or if they didn't hold me in high regards.

Truth is, and it's been said indirectly in this thread, that only I am responsible for my own happiness. I should be depending on myself for happiness. Ego just got in the way. I should've been nurturing self-pride and sense of self-worth, not the ego.

 

[joekerr31]

Truth is, and it's been said indirectly in this thread, that only I am responsible for my own happiness. I should be depending on myself for happiness. Ego just got in the way. I should've been nurturing self-pride and sense of self-worth, not the ego.

bingo, bang on the money.

nexting is a last resort. men shouldn't put that bullet in the gun until absolutely necessary. a relationship is a 50/50 give and take and you can't be your best in a relationship if you are looking for reasons to next, or if you are nexting at minor stuff.

the whole point of nexting is very simple - when a woman is officially starting to drag you down, when she is adding more negatives than positives to your life, when your baseline state of happiness is being erroded, it's time to next.

there are two reasons why people don't next..

1) their baseline state of happiness is so low that a woman who treats them like crap isn't actually making them any more unhappy than they would be if they were single.

2) addiction to the p*ssy.

a lot of guys are miserable on their own, so when they get a chic that makes them miserable they subconsciously tell themselves 'this is no worse than being single and at least I get some p*ssy out of it.'

which is why i go back to what i've said a million times. you'll never have a good relationship if you aren't first happy on your own. the man who is happy with his life and himself when he doesn't have a woman, has a baseline to measure his relationship against.

he knows how good his life is and can easily assess whether a woman is making his life better or worse by comparing how happy he is with her against how happy he was when he was single.

and let me tell you something, women KNOW when they are dealing with this kind of man. they know that he will next them if they start to errode his natural state of happiness.

 

[Colossus]

...you CHOOSE who you'll associate with. You pick your friends and your lovers.

People don't NEXT unless they're forced to do so. Men and particularly women know this, that's why it is such a dramatic episode when a NEXTing does takes place. Even the LJBF girl will try to make everything alright, when her "friend" NEXTs her. It's ego preservation, even when she's never had nor considered sex with her "friend". Human's seek comfort and avoid confrontation by default. We have to train ourselves to act otherwise.

NEXTing is sort of an art. I think the older you get the more intuitive it becomes, but there is a DIRECT correlation between the level of emotional investment and the ease of NEXTing.

To me, there are TWO types of NEXTing: NEXTing a plate, and NEXTing a relationship.

A DJ finds NEXTing a simple matter of elimination and choice---he doesnt allow himself to get emotionally attached with unproven, UNCHOSEN women, so the NEXTing process is fairly seamless.

These days, I generally NEXT a girl within the first few conversations or meetings, because i know what I am looking for...or more importantly, what I am NOT looking for.

Where NEXTing becomes difficult is when a relationship, history, and emotions are heavily involved. I came to this place a long time without ever really changing as a man. I was perpetually involved with the same girl that i just could not let go. Even though there was sufficiently painful stimuli on a regular basis for me to next her, i would look at her face and she would apologize...and the rest is history. I had a bottomless reserve of forgiveness for her, basically no matter what she did. My emotional investment in her was HUGE; more so than any other girl in my life. And without a solid DJ foundation built outside of that relationship, I was adrift in a ONEitis sea. The only way i could be rescued was if SHE left me, or someone pulled me out.

The point to that little story is that the end was in the beginning all along. I just wasnt wise enough to know it. My feelings ruled me completely.

Today, if I were confronted with the same issues in a potential relationship, i would NEXT faster than a fat kid chasing the ice cream truck. But i had to learn the hard way...which is usually the only way.

 

[Mr.Positive]

you'll never have a good relationship if you aren't first happy on your own. the man who is happy with his life and himself when he doesn't have a woman, has a baseline to measure his relationship against.

he knows how good his life is and can easily assess whether a woman is making his life better or worse by comparing how happy he is with her against how happy he was when he was single.

If there's anything that should be a life statement, this is it right here. (great stuff Joekerr)

The only issue I have with nexting, is the fact that it implies the need to look for reasons to next, red flags. It focuses on the negative, instead of the positive, in order to protect ourselves because we place too much value in whether or not things work out.

Instead of nexting, it should be more of 'focusing attention'. Our attention is our prize to women.

If you had a choice between a fat nagging woman that sits on her ass all day eating bonbons, or a hot blonde that smiles and gives you great sex, your attention would naturally focus on the blonde.

Nexting should be as natural as that. Focusing our attention on the people that deserve it.

 

[drmeathead]

i dont really think we ever need to next a girl unless it is in a relationship. to me nexting is a black and white move with no gray. unless you are in a committed relationship and a girl does something that you qualify as an absolute deal breaker, there is no reason to next. i rather am a bigger proponent of simply paying less attention to a woman who acts in a way you dont approve of. she with holds sex, dont call her back till you feel like it. she flakes on a date dont call her back for a few days. she isnt cleaning your apartment, stop taking her out for dinner...whatever you want. i dont think unless you are exclusive you should next anyone. hell even if you are exclusive and she is doing stupid **** that irritates but isnt deal breaking, give her space. the only reason you should next someone is in a committed relationship either for a deal breaking behavior or you want to start ****ing someone else.

 

[KarmaSutra]

If you have ever been to the the UK, you will have noticed you drive on the left hand side of the road. This feeling is very uncomfortable. Your GUT screams NO! But it is the correct way to drive there.

What you are feeling when you go against you GUT is COGNITIVE DISSONANCE.

Cognitive dissonance is a psychological state that describes the uncomfortable feeling between what one holds to be true and what one knows to be true. This feeling is SHATTERING because it is an instant PARADIGM SHIFT.

When career criminals are let out of prison(if they are let out), they go trough a vigorous 500 hour program to help UNTEACH thier GUT. Their GUT believes for example dealing drugs is normal.

You would be surprised how wrong the GUT may be sometimes.

This is why you should never follow the GUT 100%. You may listen to it, but do not put it's weight in GOLD.

I could not disagree with this more. I think Guru has his GUT confused with social conditioning. If you have complete confidence in who you are, both spiritually and physically, never will your gut steer you wrong. Never.

I call my gut my "little man". I'll quote Barton Keye's in Double Indemnity:

KEYES
No? Look, Gorlopis. Every month
hundreds of claims come to this desk.
Some of them are phonies, and I know
which ones. How do I know, Gorlopis?
(He speaks as if to a
child)
Because my little man tells me.

GORLOPIS
What little man?

KEYES
The little man in here.

He pounds the pit of his stomach.

KEYES
Every time one of those phonies comes
along he ties knots in my stomach.
And yours was one of them, Gorlopis.
That's how I knew your claim was
crooked. So what did I do? I sent a
tow car out to your garage this
afternoon and they jacked up that
burned-out truck of yours. And what
did they find, Gorlopis? They found
what was left of a pile of shavings.

GORLOPIS
What shavings?

KEYES
The ones you soaked with kerosene
and dropped a match on.

Gorlopis cringes under the impact.

GORLOPIS
Look, Mr. Keyes, I'm just a poor
guy. Maybe I made a mistake.

KEYES
That's one way of putting it.

GORLOPIS
I ain't feelin' so good, Mr. Keyes.

KEYES
Sign this and you'll feel fine.

It's all dependant on how schooled you are with your own perceptions and your congruence within your state of mind.

KARMIC LAW # 41 - You cannot be happy as a couple if you're not already a happy single.

 

[STR8UP]

bingo, bang on the money.

nexting is a last resort. men shouldn't put that bullet in the gun until absolutely necessary.

There are two sides to this fence, and I sit squarely ON TOP of it.

If you are in a relationship with a woman and things go south, you need to get out and not look back.

But if it was never serious, there really isn't much reason to officially next anyone. All you gotta do is lower their priority.

And this doesn't mean that if you have no other prospects that you need to be clinging to this ONE even if she behaves badly, it means that regardless of what else you have going on in your life, if a woman isn't pulling her weight then it's time for you to stop pulling yours.

I catch heat from plenty of people here about knowing a lot of women, but it WORKS for me. I enjoy being around them and I meet LOTS of other women that way. And if I had "officially" nexted several of these women if I messed around with them once or twice and they wouldn't give up the pu$$, I wouldn't have half the social network I have today.

It doesn't pay to burn bridges.

 

[STR8UP]

i dont really think we ever need to next a girl unless it is in a relationship. to me nexting is a black and white move with no gray. unless you are in a committed relationship and a girl does something that you qualify as an absolute deal breaker, there is no reason to next. i rather am a bigger proponent of simply paying less attention to a woman who acts in a way you dont approve of. she with holds sex, dont call her back till you feel like it. she flakes on a date dont call her back for a few days. she isnt cleaning your apartment, stop taking her out for dinner...whatever you want. i dont think unless you are exclusive you should next anyone. hell even if you are exclusive and she is doing stupid **** that irritates but isnt deal breaking, give her space. the only reason you should next someone is in a committed relationship either for a deal breaking behavior or you want to start ****ing someone else.

Didn't read this till after I posted, but it's right on

 

[drmeathead]

Didn't read this till after I posted, but it's right on

dude i was about to say i agreed with you

 

[Luveno]

It's simple economics: if a stock is not producing adequate returns in spite of your investment, you drop it.

All you gotta do is change a few words in the above sentence: if a girl is not producing adequate results in spite of your time commitment, you drop her.

The problem is, most guys see value where there is none, and thus continue to waste time on a girl who has no hope of ever giving the guy what he wants.

 

[KarmaSutra]

It's simple economics: if a stock is not producing adequate returns in spite of your investment, you drop it.

All you gotta do is change a few words in the above sentence: if a girl is not producing adequate results in spite of your time commitment, you drop her.

The problem is, most guys see value where there is none, and thus continue to waste time on a girl who has no hope of ever giving the guy what he wants.

A-FVCKING-MEN. Great analogy.

 

[Cesare Cardinali]

I'm not sure if I would look at chicks in a similar fashion as stocks. I would consider them more like having a particular job. You can certainly quit each job if things don't seem to be going your way, but if that keeps happening, then the common denominator is you. Therefore, you would be better served figuring out other methods for dealing with problems.

NEXTING is one way. In many cases it's the best way, but if your goal is mastery and success with women then ejecting her when there is trouble will not lead you to actually learn how to deal with trouble. And if you're married and love the girl, you would be way thankful that you learned how to deal with this stuff while dating around rather than being stuck and un-resourceful when it counts.

There is an amazing thread on Nexting started by my old mentor DeepBlue. Check it out, it's long but worth it.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=18376&highlight=DeepBlue

Cesare Cardinali

 

[guru1000]

I could not disagree with this more. I think Guru has his GUT confused with social conditioning. If you have complete confidence in who you are, both spiritually and physically, never will your gut steer you wrong. Never.
.

I can say without a DOUBT here KARMA, you are UNEQUIVOCALLY WRONG.

You have read too many books and philosophies.

It is a KNOWN fact, that a criminal CANNOT follow his GUT. His GUT is programmed wrong. Their GUT needs to be untaught and reprogrammed to run correctly. Check out the BOP 500 hour course "Criminal Thinking and GUT Program".

This is the same as an AFC's GUT saying spinning plates is WRONG.

The GUT is programmed through social programming and conditioning to feel what is RIGHT or WRONG. The GUT is only correct as your conditioning.

Most criminal GUTs say "DO WHAT EVER YOU HAVE TO DO TO GET LIQUID." They dont feel the danger signs of breaking the law.

The GUT is WRONG< WRONG< WRONG!

Ill even go furthur,

KARMA, your GUT may be RIGHT!

IS that not a contradiction?

Your GUT is only as RIGHT as your social programming. If you are PROGRAMMED correctly, then your GUT will steer you in the right direction. Why?

Your GUT knows what is steering you to or away from your TAUGHT CONDITIONING.

Anyways, this is a thread in itself.

This is FACTUAL, being I have worked with many criminal GUT thinkers to GUIDE them through their cognitive dissonance.

Read up on COGNITIVE DISSONANCE.

 

[guru1000]

Let me clarify a bit here.

NEXTing for me is a DEFAULT action.

If I am not exclusive, I may date between 5-10 new women a month. Now picture trying to maintain 50 phone rapports over a course of 6 months. I am LUCKY if I can properly handle 2 or 3.

What tends to happen is I stop responding to the phone calls. These women are NEXTed by default.

Even with the few that I may keep, somtimes CONVENIENCE will settle in. In other words, the few CHOSEN ones aren't exactly what I am looking for. So I NEXT them.

Here is the COLD TRUTH. If you choose to hold on to a girl who is not what you desire for the sake of convenience or fear, you just do not have PERCEIVED options.

The NEXTing Myth is only among the SCARCE.

The ABUNDANCE MENTALITY will readily NEXT to find one who is genuinely interesting and compatible.

But as Rollo pointed out, it does not matter what I suggest. An AFC will continue to be an AFC.

An AFC feels comfortable in his own skin and FEARS change. He as well will follow his AFC GUT that screams "Do not leave this girl, you will NEVER find another".

This board is mostly filled with AFC's. For a guy to come in here and state to NEXT a woman who is not compatible is similiar to a Rabbi preaching religion to an athiest.

 

[betterthandead]

It's a time/money issue I think for some, I know if a chick really has nothing to offer to me friend or romantic I pay a lot less attention to them than someone who has something to complement my personality or interests.

Being selfish is respecting your own boundaries.