The Dreaded Anxiety Of Approach

[playainthemaking]

Okay guys so i wanted some input on what I am doing wrong cause i cant seem to get this right. So basically I have a problem with approaching women and knowing what to say. I have this anxiety that makes it feel like i would rather fist fight everyone in the mall than approach some chick. To me its all about pride and if someone turns me away or i mess up and make ass out myself it hurts. I have read that you should just go and do it but its so hard. Iill try and explain it the best way possible so all can understand.

So i get dressed up and go out to the mall where i know females will be any day of the week. I am fresh, got the music playing and have a plan to talk to women and try and get numbers. So i get there and walk around and right off the bat it already seems odd. I like seem to be looking for that one single female that is alone and of course it has to be the perfect moment. I never know what to say and fear that it wont come naturally. I mean lets say where in a store and where on a particular isle. I can maybe think of something to get her to laugh but after that its a dead road. I mean i obviously seem to think way too much and i know that but losing this habit is so hard.

I want to be able to do cold approaches but seem to screw myself because i am afraid of failure. I want to get over this fear but it is something that honestly isnt easy. Maybe thats what separates the boys from the men, and true happiness with women form a life of chance and hoping u meet someone.

I hope that some people can give some great input because i still seem to struggle with this issue. I made a post about it a while back but it seems i still have this condition. I hope someone can tell me there story and motivate me.

 

[JDA70]

This is pretty common. Look at how much stuff there is
out there for sale on approaching women.

Try this... Go out and instead of trying to get get get,
give in some way. Be a giver. And no I don't mean compliments
don't do that. Say something like can I help you find anything?
Go up to girls and expect nothing. Just work on approaching,
talking and then walking away on a friendly note.

I think if you do that you'll get positive results.

Say you see a set of 3 girls. Atleast one will be
the alpha female. You need to talk and find out which
one is which right away and target her. If you get in good
with her you know the others are going to follow.


So anyways you see the set of 3 girls
now tell us what it is you would exactly do and say.

 

[playainthemaking]

lol this is a real nightmare man. THREE girls you say, that is impossible cause so much can go wrong. I wouldnt know what the hell to say. If i used the "can i help you" line they would think i worked there and be like "No thank you".

 

[JDA70]

No thank you! LOL
No man i didn't mean for you to go up there a open with
can I help you find anything on a set. Use that on a single
isolated girl after you have introduced yourself.
If she says "why do you work here?" you say " I do now!"

The whole point was to get you to approach and just start talking.
Anyways....


3 set

Like this.

u - Hi what's going on?
them - not much blah blah blah
U- my name is playainthemaking
what's your names?
them - blah blah blah
u- hey lets go have some fun and check out some
music, cloths and stuff.

Your either going to get a yes or a no.

IF they are rude just ignore it, keep your cool
and say have a great day and walk away.

If they are uninterested just say bye and move on.

IF they are interested then hey your foots in the door.
Just treat them like you already know them.


So give some examples of how you would deal with

Single girl

2 set

3 set

4 or more.

 

[daygameguy]

All guys have fear of the approach, so do not fight it, it will only get stronger. Just focus your attention AWAY from the outcome (which is what causes the fear).

Focus on:
How much you can ADD to the interaction in that moment with her.
Pulling her into YOUR world, and how you can convey characteristics of your personality and your life to her.
Body language - lengthen and widen your body posture, be relaxed but firm and confident.
Voice - speak louder, slowly with a good rhythm.
LOWER YOUR STANDARDS. Don't take every interaction with a hot girl as the ultimate interview of your life! I mean, just assume that you get girls, and its no big deal, and assume that she will like you, and you don't have to think of the VERY BEST thing to say, lower your standards like you do when talking to a bunch of junior kids/your little niece and her little friends at a bday party.

Also remember that,
sometimes you WILL need to break social norms, wake people up from their robotic coma of daily living, and be surprising.

Finally just think to yourself - these are GIRLS! they are cute and lovely and sexy and fun, they won't try to out alpha you, or pick up a fight with you, there is no reason to fear them as long as you are not showing extreme AFC/jackass behavior.

 

[Jitterbug]

Work on building social circles through which you constantly meet new women. It will solve your cold approach anxiety problem at the very core.

 

[playainthemaking]

anyone else got anything to add. Come on i know we all have struggled with this at some point.

 

[JDA70]

Ever heard of autogenic exercises?

In this case You mentally work out to
lower your anxiety so you can approach
There is a side benefit in that you got a plan
on what to say.

Example 1

Girl checking out CDs

me - Hey what's up? how you doing?
her - pretty good. how about you?
me- great.
me - my name is jeff, what's your name?
her - jenna.
me what kind of music you into?
her - I like x,y,z.
me - that's cool you got good taste in music.
me - what are you looking for today?
her - the new x y z album.
her - what you into? or what you looking for?
me - I'm into mostly old school metal
but I like blues, jazz and other stuff.
me - maybe you can help me find what i'm looking for?
her - sure, what is it?
me - it's xyz.
her - here it is.
me - awesome, thank you.
me - Well it is fun hanging out with you.
me - we should hook up some other time you got e-mail?
her - no
me - well then give me your cell number so we can hook up again.
her - ok it's 555-5555
me - ok talk to you soon and enjoy the music.

See how that works?
You should make up as many as possible
Put yourself in different situations like your at the mall
just walking by stores, at the supermarket, even a book store.
Make up ones where she doesn't respond so happly
like she puts up her b1tch shield and you think
of what to say to break through it.

You dig what I'm saying?

So make one up and post it here.
Try like the book store or something.

 

[playainthemaking]

okay first off i want to say excellent job to JDA70 for posting so thoroughly on my thread. Yeah see my problem is that i just cant seem to think of what to say unless its like in my face. Like today i was in line and this chick who was an 8 wa s in line. I had already gotten my food but went back for a fork and saw her looking at me when i was there so i commented on her purse cause it was so damn big. She laughed and i told her i could hide in it, again she laughed. I ****e d up eye contact cause i didnt know what to say. Had to think and had awkward pauses. Its okay though im just really beginning cold approaches so i aint tripping. Anyways i then asked her who she was here with and she mentioned her kid. RED FLAG. At this point i was just casual cause i wasnt trying anymore.

She went on to tell me about her babys dad and how she just had a kid, translation BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. Anyways it was just some chick but i realized it aint that easy to hold a conversation so randomly and when your tying to make a good impression. Later i spoke to this lady in the middle of the all who was selling some dumb ****. She was cool and friendly and wasnt trying to sell me **** but just talked to me. Again though it was very casual and i didnt know how to close the deal cause it seemed rather odd. This is a bti harder than i thought but i will do this so just keep commenting guys i appreciate it all.

Oh yeah and dude JDA70 can u give me some more examples bro they are golden i couldnt think of any but im sure i will if u give me some more.

 

[JDA70]

Hey what's up.

Ever heard of the "hop"?
It's when you take what the person just said
and hop over to the next question or comment.

Take the girl in line for example. Minus the kid and the guy.
Shes got the big fancy purse is hot and single.

me - excuse me but your purse is really cool and really big.
I could fit into it.
her - laugh
me - my name is mark what's your name?
her - crystal
me - so where did you get it anyways?
her - Macys.
me - so do you shop at Macys alot?
her - no not alot.
me - where do you like to shop?
her - stores at the mall.
me - I shop at the mall, what stores you go to?
her - I like x and y and z.
me - so what are you going to get to eat?
her - salad with shrimp.
me - sounds good, is that all?
her - yeah I'm sort of on a diet.
me - diet? do you work out?
her - Yeah I go to the gym couple times a week.
me - well got to go eat now, hey join me. we can enjoy
each others company while we eat.
her - sure.

So there you have it. Ya just hop right along with chit chat.
You can also use that as an autogenic exercise before
you go eat there again.


Quick there is a hot babe 10 checking out cards at the local
Wal Mart. Shes hot, single and begging for a guy to come along
and sweep her off her feet.

LOL OMG what do you do?



Walk up to her and say....

u - excuse me but I just had to tell you that I think you have
and really nice energy about you. What's your name?

or

u - Wow, it's got to suck thinking every average
guy is coming on to you, huh? Don't worry,
I'm not average.

or
excuse me but don't get too nervous now I know this
is going to be really weird but I'm going to start picking up
on you now ok... so what's your name?

 

[playainthemaking]

lol wow man i dont know how u come up with this ****. I guess my issue is allowing a conversation to flow cause instead of hopping i pause and have to think of what to say so i call it tripping. I mean thats the hard part for me cause i know im going into a situation where i wont know what to say at some point. So yeah i say hi make a comment ask her a question but the direct eye contact is a bit never wrecking and cause me to have a brain freeze like a big ass slurpy from 7 eleven on a summer day.

Any further advice bro.

 

[Alexander the Great]

All scenarios aside, there's only one reason why you are afraid to approach and maybe afraid to do anything else as well for that matter:

You are afraid to show yourself. You are afraid to put yourself out there, for her and everyone to see and judge. You are afraid of these things because you are vulnerable to their opinion or perceived opinion of you.

What you must do is adopt a mindset that makes you care less about what anyone thinks about you or your approach, or what you do or don't do in the first place. You're doing YOUR thing. You're doing what YOU want. Screw what she or everyone else thinks of it.

Though sh*it. For them.

Do YOUR thing. Your world, your Universe. You are its God. God doesn't theorize. God doesn't play dice. God doesn't care about what people think of him. God just is and nature acts. Be the God of your Universe.

Catch my drift?

Just don't get arrogant or narcissistic. This is the catch.

 

[playainthemaking]

on some real **** you are dead right. I wish I could just adopt that but you dont want to be embarrassed cause you have pride. Same reason we dress nice or drive nice cars it adds to self esteem and makes u feel good. Now ask someone to risk themselves like that and its hard. I really would like to be like you so if you could help me out in detail it would be awesome.

 

[Alexander the Great]

That's just it, playa.

You can't be like me. You must be yourself. Plus, there are no real tips I can give you to adopt this mindset. Because it's something that you have or don't have. And if you don't have it, it can only grow on you.

Actually, there is one concrete tip I can give you: make your life great. Make it everything you always wanted it to be. Make your life into something that fulfills you. In other words: Create your Universe. Because, you can't be a God without one.

If you do this, this new mindset will follow on its own; that is the way of things (something about our Universes we don't have to create, fortunately ). This new mindset therefore takes change, exposure to failures, you adapting to those failures (humans call this practice ), and all of this takes time.

That's a tip too: there's no cookie-cutter solution. No snap of the fingers to make this mindset appear. No magick formula to will it onto you. It must be something you adopt; it 's something you make yourself. Something you grow, and grow into, as you live life. The only thing you can do to speed this growth is to go and live and try to make the best life you can and want to have. That will expose you to failure, success. That will teach you the mindset. (Concrete tip: DJ bootcamp, see if that works for you.)

It's all inside you already. It's just not yours to command yet. You must figure out yourself how it works with you. Only you can do that.

You know how? Just Do It. Stop posting, stop reading and discussing excessantly about this stuff, and go out there and Just Do It. Take the risk. Just Do It. Yes, it's hard. But Just Doing It is the only way to get through it. Just Do It. Say that to yourself everyday, as much as you feel is necessary. And as you are Just Doing It, the mindset will rise in you. Just don't expect miracles (and you'll find some if you don't ).

Take the risk. What have you got to lose? Ego? Self-esteem? Heart? Momentum? Confidence? Sure, you'll lose those. If you haven't already. The funny thing is, that this feeling of loss, or fear of loss, is something you must push through. If you lose these things and keep taking the risks, you'll find them again, miraculously, and the mindset will find you.

Good luck!

 

[playainthemaking]

okay alexander i will go out tommorow and see what happens. I will make sure to get at least 5 numbers. Wish me luck.

 

[playainthemaking]

okay so i went out to the mall two days in a row and actually had a hard time finding chicks lol. I guess i went a bit too late but it was friday and saturday so im baffled. It pissed me off but yeah i couldnt find any chicks. I walked into one store though and some chick who was working there greeted me and smiled yet i was being a moron and just replied quickly and didnt say much or pursue again because i didnt know what to say. I mean i could have said something along these lines

Hey how r u.
Whats your name
Im - nice to meet you
how long you been working here
is this a good place to work at
then i could have commented on the store cause its a dark ass store and made a joke about falling asleep
I could have then said well hey i got to get going but it was nice talkin to you , Why dont you give me your number and we can go out sometime.

I mean i am just nervous of ****in it all up and fumbling the ball. I think that the above is okay so give me some input on what you guys think

 

[Randallpink83]

playainthemaking - - - Alright bro, i will help you out. Here is what you need to do. And this is going to make it all easy for you. No longer are you going to feel pressure from the approach. All anxiety will now wash out of you in a deep sigh of relief!!! hoohaa!
In fact, I'm going to start talking to you like im a goddamned huge Drill Sergent ready to punk your azz, so you will really get my message.

SOLDIER!! I WANT YOU TO GO OUT THERE... AND FAIL!!!!

THATS RIGHT! I WANT YOU TO FAIL.

duuude GO fail... seriously go out and approach girls and crash and burn. That is what I want you to do. YOU HAVE TO DO THAT... You are afraid of hurting that ego and being rejected. Well Now your hole mission is to go out there and MAKE YOURSELF fail.

Now there is nothing on the line. You can't lose. This is win win... Be ok and fully accept failure... And then one day soldier, you will realize, "oohhh crap, I dont care anymore, I can approach anyone"

Fear of Failure is stopping you from approaching - FACE your fear - Pursue that fear - Its ok, expected, and even healthy for you to FAIL.

once you face and pursue your fear it will cease to exist.

Now GOOO!!! Go fail... Go walk up to a girl and say hello and make the interaction even more awkward and creepy then you could imagine... Fail miserably... In fact do it in front of other people hopefully.. make sure everyone in the store see's that you are blatantly approaching a girl, and if you get rejected, or if you puss out in the middle of it and cant think of anything to say and run away crying - EVEN BETTER!! then go somewhere private and laugh your butt off at how funny it was and you are the only person that realizes you are ok with he failure.

So now are you going to feel pressure or anxiety of approaching?? I hope not, because there is none - I want you to report back here soldier with your failure...

 

[playainthemaking]

lmao wow what a post. This has to be one of the best ever that i have received anywhere. My problem is that i just seem to care to much and therefore dont want to be hurt. If a girl doesnt pay attention to me or doesnt seem to like me i get mad and feel like wow wtf how could she turn me down. I mean you have your own opinion of yourself and i know that i am good looking but you always get that feeling like why didnt she see me as good looking if that makes sense. Maybe again im just caring too much and even if chicks turn me down because of my looks or whatever i really shouldnt care. Well i will for sure get back to you all with a report i feel like jackass that i didnt even get the 5 numbers i wanted or at least approaches. Ill call them failures from now on cause i dont wanna give a ****. Easier said than done but i will try to just go with the flow and not care. Stay posted it may take a day or two i am a bit busy.

 

[CosMoenTropic]

lmao wow what a post. This has to be one of the best ever that i have received anywhere. My problem is that i just seem to care to much and therefore dont want to be hurt. If a girl doesnt pay attention to me or doesnt seem to like me i get mad and feel like wow wtf how could she turn me down. I mean you have your own opinion of yourself and i know that i am good looking but you always get that feeling like why didnt she see me as good looking if that makes sense. Maybe again im just caring too much and even if chicks turn me down because of my looks or whatever i really shouldnt care. Well i will for sure get back to you all with a report i feel like jackass that i didnt even get the 5 numbers i wanted or at least approaches. Ill call them failures from now on cause i dont wanna give a ****. Easier said than done but i will try to just go with the flow and not care. Stay posted it may take a day or two i am a bit busy.

Be more of a man.. Be a man by focusing less on your appearance and more on your actions... As a male, your main advantage is that your actions have a greater influence in your life than for females who must rely more on their appearances

I'm sure you're not bad looking.. but are you good looking enough to model? If you are, then maybe you can get by on just ooks alone. Some guys are fine with this. Not many guys can pull it off.

However, for most guys, girls judge you by your actions, what you do, how you act, etc. Don't just rely on appearance alone and expect them to come to you.. You can't just think "Im a pretty good looking guy... I should be able to attract girls.. right?" Its not that simple. You have to actually do something, be active, not passive. Personal appearance is just an opening act. Once you get past that, you must let your actions take over. You are a guy, not a girl. Dont ever forget that.

 

[playainthemaking]

You know there was one more thing i forgot to mention and wanted to see how you guys see the situation. Whenever i want to approach a girl i get that feeling of if she turns me down it will be very awkward. Awkward when she says no and later if i see her again or if say shes in one of my classes. I mean again im probably caring about something i shouldn't but im being honest about how i feel and thats the first step to getting rid of this weak emotion. Please advise me and see what you guys think.