The difference between older and younger men...a female perspective

[Wyldfire]

I'm speaking in general here, so please take that into consideration when reading this.

As I've mentioned before, I only date younger men. Recently I've been putting some thought into why I prefer younger men over men my age or older. Since I'm a very visual person, I'm not going to lie...I'm just more attracted to younger men due to looks. But that's not the only reason. Attitude is a huge reason as well. Most older men have been married at least once and a lot (not all, but a lot) of them really don't deal with divorce well. I see a lot of bitterness and negativity from the older men group and to be honest...it's a real turn off. Yes, a lot of these men have been hurt and burned...but you know what...I have been to by my ex husband...but I don't judge all other men based on how miserable he was. I'm not sure why so many older divorced men end up so focused on staying angry after being divorced...but it's something that really works against them. Younger guys who haven't been married before haven't been tainted by the bitterness that many older men have been...they are just more positive and more fun to be around. That is attractive. Negativity is unattractive.

A perfect example is this guy I work with who does nothing but complain about his ex wife. He tries to hit on women at work but they don't want anything to do with him because they just don't like him because of all the complaining. He's not a bad looking guy, either...but his attitude really sucks. He actually makes my skin crawl everytime he enters the room...I dislike him that much. No one at work likes him...and the guys dislike him even more than the women do.

My ex husband complains non-stop too...and by hearing him talk you'd think I screwed him over in our dvorce badly. I didn't, though. When I left him I only took some of my personal belongings, the children and what we could carry of theirs. I left the house, two vehicles and all cash but $50. He got everything and I never asked for any of it. Despite the fact that he treated me horribly, I never tried to keep the children from him and let him see them anytime he wanted to. I tried very hard to get along with him. He never paid child support for 11 years and I never took him back to court to try to get it. I just wanted my freedom. Yet he's STILL bitter and can't let go.

Why do older men do this to themselves? What is there to gain by being so angry, bitter and miserable? Why is it so hard to move on for so many older men?

Before anyone gets all defensive...I know that not all older men are as I've described. I'm speaking in general about older divorced men and what I've seen in my own day to day experiences. It's seems to mainly be divorced men from 30-50 who I see this negativity and bitterness in. It seems to mellow out some after 50 for some reason...maybe because they start to get lonely and realize if they don't let go of the bitterness and anger they will be alone in their older years.

Instead of just slamming me and reacting negatively to this thread...perhaps people could talk honestly about this problem so many older men have and come up with some ideas to help them overcome it. Remember...no one likes to be around someone who is really negative. It's okay to be hurt and angry over things that upset you. But there also comes a point when it's in your best interest to unpack that emotional baggage and let it go and move on and just be happy. At some point you also have to point the finger of blame onto yourself for who you select as a partner. We all make mistakes, as I did with my ex husband, but it's so much better to admit fault and learn something from the ordeal than to shirk your own responsibility in failed relationships.

 

[Kid Quick]

Custody may play a factor. Men who don't often get to see their kids after divorce are more likely to be bitter.

Also with divorced couples I know the ones who were most controlling in the marriage tend to be the most bitter after. With no one left to control there is a vacuum that is filled with anger and bitterness. The less controlling partner grieves, too, but eventually realizes all the freedoms they have without the controlling person in their life.

 

[Bad_Lil'Pixie]

Frivolous, since you choose to ‘chum’ the waters with blood, I won’t hold my tongue any longer.

What I have found, in real life experiences and observations, it that women who seek out younger men seek a certain type of younger man. These men that they find appealing are men who seek a more dependant relationship, who are still into loving like a man loves his mom. Women seek this so they DO NOT have to work so hard; when they find a man dependant on them they feel this is the key to long term. SHE holds the money, makes the decision and he follow like the good little pup she loves. The main attraction in this relationship is support, she provides it and he sucks it up. He finds a sugar mama and she has no challenge or effort in keeping him tucked in bed at night. And, of course, he is never negative; he has the phrase, “yes ma’am,” down pat.

The reason she doesn’t want an older man is because he expects more… He makes decisions and speaks for himself, and doesn’t choose to do as he is told. A relationship with a more mature man takes effort, work and commitment; she doesn’t have that to offer. She won’t offer of herself, she is only good at offering guidance and advice, but never will she take the chance to walk her talk. She sees giving of herself as being used or as a puppet. She wants to hold the reigns, she is the puppet master and the mature man will cut the strings pretty dam fast and she knows it. He won’t be pushed or lead and when she tries this approach she is met with great negativity.

This modest opinion comes from acquaintances I have in day to day contact. Time and time again I see older woman seek the role of “mom” over “mate” and revel in the comfort of not having to hold up their end in a true relationship. Personally I think they are settling or selling themselves short, but to each their own.

 

[WestCoaster]

Exactly the same reasons why I often date younger women -- the bitter factor. I'd prefer a more age-appropriate (late 30's/early 40's) woman sans the bitterness. I think men and women carry their bitterness too far.

I have a theory learned from my observations in grad school and currently working at a university, where I see students all day -- younger AND older students (I work at a commuter college).

The young women 18-24 or 25, have tremendous attitudes. They're excited about school, smile often, like people in general, and really like men. I see them studying with young men in the lobby, they laugh, have fun, and aren't so judgemental like older women. They enjoy the company of men.

Something triggers in the late 20's and on, and usually it stems from a bad relationship or two, or three -- or a bad marriage. The older women whom I meet with often have a flat affect or somewhat scarred personality, they talk about how they shouldn't have gotten married and had kids at a young age, wish they would've gone to college, and Mr. Ex-Hubby is a jerk, etc.

The young women? They haven't been scarred yet. It's really sad to see the young women go from optimistic, fun, pretty, etc. to bitter, homely, and cynical. Not all do this, but many do.

Carrying one's bitterness can be very damaging for men and women. A positive attitude takes one further than anyone can imagine.

* I do find it ironic that Wyld goes on a fairly long diatribe ripping her ex-hubby here, then complaining about men who rip on their ex-wives.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Oh alright, I'll bite,..

Originally posted by Wyldfire
,..I prefer younger men over men my age or older. Since I'm a very visual person, I'm not going to lie...I'm just more attracted to younger men due to looks. But that's not the only reason. Younger guys who haven't been married before haven't been tainted by the bitterness that many older men have been...they are just more positive and more fun to be around.

Ergo you prefer younger, more physically attractive men with less life experience than men your own age.

Hmmm,..seems I've read this before,..oh yes, it's in virtually every issue of Cosmopolitan, Elle, Ms., Marie Claire and any other female empowerment magazine I happen to glance at on my way out of the grocery store or in the hair salon waiting area.

Only,..wait,..that's not quite right,..usually the story is about how horrible these infantile men are for hooking up with younger, more physically attractive women with less life experience rather than living up to their responsibilities to entertain relationships with women their own age. OK so I think I've got it now,..here goes:


So what's the matter with you WYLD? Wait, I know, you must feel threatened by older men because of their level of professionalism. Scared of a little competition 'eh? Gotta protect that fragile female ego there I guess. Or are you trying to make up for not getting it enough when you were younger? Maybe you could buy a red Porsche while you're at it to compensate for your 'inadequecies.'

See? All you gotta do is reverse the roles. It's all fine and acceptable for men to be run up the flagpole for tapping exactly the same demographic you've posted as desirable here, but when Demi Moore gets after it with Ashton Kutcher it's, "You go girl! Woo Hoo!"

You see, I don't think men are nearly as bitter and pensive as you (and more than a few AFCs here) would like them to be. Rather, the catch lies in older men informing younger men of the pitfalls to avoid that compromise what women would like men to believe in order to serve their own interests - that and AFC guys agreeing with this censoring of more experienced men's views in order to identify (as they've been conditioned to) with women in order to appear as "not like other guys."

So rather than objectively and honestly debate the substance of what men express in their experiences, either positively or negatively, it is far easier to poison the well and discredit them or create straw men for your argument, to build them as you'd like to see them and then knock them down. I'm sure there'll be no shortage of 19-23 y.o. guys eagerly awaiting to parrot the same scripted dialogues women have told them are 'correct' to respond with to back you up instead of thinking critically and observing the things 'older' men point out to them. You'll be in good company.

 

[WestCoaster]

Originally posted by SonOfTheMostHigh
True but you only get one shot at life and it's much more costly for a woman, especially if she's had kids. Kids suck up all your time as a mother for the next 20 years, thats a huge commitment and many women feel they "missed out" on living. I agree it's wrong to hold bitterness but some wounds cannot be healed by a positive attitude, I think thats a naive kind of thinking.

Somewhat correct, but you can turn back that decision and while having a positive attitude won't change much, it's certainly better than having a negative attitude.

I'd rather date a woman with kids who is super positive than a negative/cynical gal with no kids. Leopards don't change their spots, best to be with someone who is fun to be around.

 

[Helter Skelter]

It's obvious you prefer younger men.

How many women your age spend half their life on a message board talking to mostly teenage boys ?

Over 7000 posts.

 

[brucevangeorge]

:kick:

 

[dr_devious]

Who cares if Wyld prefers younger men to older men, its her perogative to choose who she wants and everyone has their preferences. Are you guys pi**ed cos she wouldnt go out with you cos shes out of your age range? Who cares, is she that hot?

 

[white sox bill]

Originally posted by dr_devious
Who cares if Wyld prefers younger men to older men, its her perogative to choose who she wants and everyone has their preferences. Are you guys pi**ed cos she wouldnt go out with you cos shes out of your age range? Who cares, is she that hot?

Wyldfire is known for her controversial remarks and attitude. I like that in people. Seems I saw her pic one time, yea IIIRC hot---C'mon don't blush Wildfire!

 

[WestCoaster]

I don't care whom Wyld dates, but the hypocrisy can be a bit much sometimes. She rails on guys here who are after young hotties. Can't have it both ways. Also, complaining about guys who b-tch about their ex-wives and then going on a long diatribe about how bad her ex-hubby is, well, that's a hoot.

 

[Tazman]

I have a close buddy (22) who's with a 44 y/o woman. I tend to see what Rollo is saying about some of these older women who hook up with younger men. My friend did it (atleast from my observations) out of desperation. She isn't some hot looking 44 y/o who's in shape. She's fat, smokes, drinks (heavily sometimes but I don't know how often or if it's anything outside the norm), and I was a little surprised that he did it at first. However, she is a nice woman and I don't have anything bad to say about her character.

My friend was a virgin before he met her, which is why I feel he pursued her. He wanted to get some confidence/experience before attempting more age appropriate women. It's a really odd thing because they both try and hide the fact from people and at times she seems to take the role of mommy while my friend takes the one of the son. He even asked me (when I suggested that he go for younger girls) how these younger girls would be able to "take care of him" like her.

When he started messing around with her he pretty much made her dump whoever it was that she was seeing at the time (an older man). Recently he finally hooked up with a girl (26) who he's been after for quite a long time (he went the "friends" route and hooked up with her after her bf dumped her and she couldn't get some other guy she was trying for).

Hmmm, maybe that was too much info. Basically, I can't see any good coming from this. My friend wants the perks from the older woman (she cooks meals and they eat a lot, drives him places, drought sex, etc.) and to keep her as security in case this younger one finds someone else she wants to have sex with. Sounds pretty fulfilling doesn't it?

 

[Desdinova]

Originally posted by Alicorn
It would seem the internet ate my first post

No, I deleted it. Now, I'm gonna delete the rest of the immature crap you posted.

As for everyone else, stick to the topic please.

 

[KarmaSutra]

Originally posted by Wyldfire
I only date younger men. Recently I've been putting some thought into why I prefer younger men over men my age or older.

Aaahhh, The cry of the chain smoking, beer chugging Cougar.


Normally a silent hunter, the cougar, like any cat, becomes vocal when ready to breed. Female cougars in heat have been seen and heard yowling.

The reason older women prowl for younger males is the lack of defense and the subsequent fear of experienced, mature males calling them out on thier BS and the expectation of rational thought. Younger guys don't have the mental constitution to dissuage the Cougars' advances.

 

[resilient]

KarmaSutra's comment

:crackup:

That was spot on man. Nice analogy.

 

[STR8UP]

My AW friend was recently hooking up with a guy that is in his early or mid 20's. She is 36. She talked about him like he was her puppet or something.

I won't say that I was disturbed or even surprised by the way she talked of him, but when a woman talks about a man like he's nothing more than a puppy on her leash it made me wonder how many women have ever talked about ME in that way behind my back. It's pretty degrading. I never met the guy so I don't know how they related to one another in person, but by the way she talked he was pretty much a lap dog.

And Wyld, you are as female as any other woman, you just THINK you got it all figured out.

I doubt that you are much different than my friend I mentioned above. Even if you don't necessarily vocalize your dominance, you have to feel like you are in control, and you aren't gonna find a decent and attractive guy your age who will hand over the reigns, so you have to get them before they are instilled with the wisdom of a mature man.

You would have us believe that older men are 'bitter' when the fact is that older men are simply 'wiser'. Wiser to the pick-and-choose at will (regardless of who gets hurt) game that women play. Wiser to their OWN value in the mating game.

See, most of the time WOMEN have the sexual power when they are in their teens and 20's. Most guys tend to get trampled on a lot during this period in their lives because they are blinded by a hot piece of ass and don't know any better.

When guys hit their 30's though, it's a completely dofferent story. The ones who were smart enough to have not fallen into the bottomless pit that is MARRIAGE are the guys who you WOULD date, but they are likely getting to a point in their lives where THEY have the options. They want little to do with someone like you. They want to fukk the 20 something girls with the perky tits and tight ass who SAY they want a guy close to their age, but in reality will hook up with an older guy who pushes their buttons.

I know this, because I am that guy. I look at what I have accomplished. I look at what I have learned about the nature of women. I take this information and say to myself, "Why in the HELL would I want to get tied down to an older woman with enough baggage to fill a 747, OR a fickle 20 something chick who still believes her knight in shining armour is waiting around the next corner?".

These days I am the one with the sexual power. You know that no matter how hot or nice you are that guys like me aren't interested in older women with strings attached.

Men, bitter? If that's what you want to call having a realistic expectation about women and enough maturity to know that we hold most of the cards, then so be it. Just don't expect all of us to buy it.

 

[Colossus]

Just a thought, but I think there is a direct correlation between Wyldfire's dating of younger men and her 7000 + posts on a men's advice forum.

 

[ElChoclo]

As Freud said, Projection?

The hypocrisy angle has been covered.

As a divorced older man I would say that men have a right to be bitter because current legal systems in industrialised countries treat them unfairly after divorce.

Naturally some suffer more than others, but the standard deal for the average man is intrinsically unfair. Because money is more transferable than personal services, society has no problem with men continuing to pay for women after divorce. But no doubt, as Dr Warren Farrell has said, women would be outraged if men sent their laundry over, after divorcing, expecting them to wash it.

Society speaks of a clean break, but doesn't like the idea of having to pay to clean up the mess. That's why it wants the man to pay. I believe that in some quaint parts of your nation it is a crime to fail to pay child support. With children, there is never an entirely clean break.

Perhaps I could outrage some feminist by saying that men are like a fine wine which improves with age, but women are like fruit, best had when ripe, but destined to rot quickly. Why therefore do women live longer than men. Well, why does a Toyota last longer than a hard driven Porsche. The same reason. Bitterness is a relative concept. To a woman I might sound bitter. But I think I'm just stating facts.

 

[penkitten]

perhaps the very thing she is pointing out is that when someone is younger and hasnt been burnt a million times, they have a fresh "all or nothing " attitude.

when you get burned over and over and life starts to wear you down, you give up a little and its more of a "take it or leave it" attitude that you see from people.

 

[latebacon]

Just as abused women are bitter when they are sexually used or raped, men are after women get their emotional sex or rape and then dump them as if they're worthless.