Texting question

[DangNammit]

What's your take on this? I've been dating this woman for a couple of months now... We seem to get on well. I dig her... We've slept together. I let her bring up the question of if were exclusive, etc - she said she is... I left it open saying I was giving it thought. She did not push more. All in all things are going well she seems to be into me too...

One thing I am finding odd is that she only texts me - she has only called to chat once in 2 mos. She is 40... does this seem a bit odd to you? We only get together a few times a month due to kids, etc...

Thanks

 

[sodbuster]

It's a way for her to "talk" in front of the kids,other BF,parents,etc. without them hearing the conversation. So I can understand it-I just don't like it when a woman does it. I'd rather hear voice inflection and know what I was actually hearing.

 

[tinctrar]

It can be a way for her to communicate with you while others are around - been there before.

Or maybe its her way of keeping some distance? Not sure brother.

Are you exclusive with her? If you want that then find out why she is heavy into the texting. Otherwise just chalk it up and let it go.

 

[DangNammit]

Thanks for the input guys... I think you're both right on. She does have her kids around a lot. I just flat out asked if she knows that she can also speak into the device in her hand.

She has since rang me a couple time when kids are not around. We are exclusive at this point (I let her bring that up). In person she gives me all the signs she's digging me - physical and what she tells me (though I take words lightly).

I ain't sayin sh1t about how I feel about her... she's on the verge of the I love yous... and though I dig her a lot, the only thing I tell her is, yeah I like you. See what happens... any advice with that?

 

[tinctrar]

Only you know the answer buddy. If you feel the same way as she does for you then go for it.

I kinda sense that from you. Lock it up if thats the case. I dont know how comfortable I would feel with exclusivly dating a woman who only text messages me. If I decide to be in an exclusive relationship communication is just as important as honesty (they go hand in hand) and allowing a woman to have that exclusivity without the communication is a surefire way to lets things get ugly.

If your gonna stop spinning plates then make sure its worth it.

 

[jophil28]

One thing I am finding odd is that she only texts me - she has only called to chat once in 2 mos. She is 40... does this seem a bit odd to you? We only get together a few times a month due to kids, etc...

Thanks

Do you interpret her preference for texting as a subtle indication of only moderate interest level , perhaps ?
Maybe you are thinking deep down- "If she were really into me she would be calling me on the hour . She wouldn't be able to help herself."

 

[dark god]

DangNammit "We are exclusive at this point"

soooo shes basically ur GF? Then yeah I would find that strange. Its good in a way that u dont have to blab on the phone with her all the time but, In my experience if shes acting secretive (somewhat) the question is why? If u guys arent dating other people, or lets be blunt not fvking other people then why r u guys still at that casual texting stage? My spider sense would be tingling.

 

[cedd]

you are overanalyzing.
If she only texts you, who cares ?
the main thing is she wants to see and fvck you.
Date her, share the good times with her, shut your mouth (dont talk about feelings), and let the chit-chat for her girls friends.

If you are really into chatting, call her.

cheers

 

[DangNammit]

Good stuff guys thanks...

Jophil - I won't disagree with you... She has ramped up her calls a bit in the last week. Though I don't want to chit chat all the time, I did find it odd that she never called... that seems to be changing.

The r'ship hasn't been defined clearly... it just seems to have gone exclusive by default. I don't bring it up... I let her do that.

Gonna see where this goes... Is it best for me to lead and define where we stand? I know at this point she wants to hear this from me...

 

[jophil28]

Is it best for me to lead and define where we stand? I know at this point she wants to hear this from me...

As a general answer to that - you can only lead when you are clear about where you want it to go.
Mostly these relationship "define" themselves by the behaviors of both people involved. They act "exclusive" , and in all cases that I can recall from my own experience, the women were eager to NOT see other guys .

TO most sane women, dating around and seeing a few random guys at the same time is somewhat unsettling (in spite of what they may claim to the contrary). Women naturally tend to seek 'one on one' relationships .
The exception are women with low interest level or women with BPD . A BPD woman will chase you until she lands you and then she will feel smothered by the expectations and restrictions of an adult relationships and will sabotage the committment and exclusivity . Then she will try to hook you back all over again and , a month later, she will create enough drama to break up with you once more - wash, rinse and repeat .

However the short answer to your question is to lead by your actions. IF you want to be exclusive with this woman just act accordingly without one word Curiously, because you have not had "the talk" , just acting as if she is your G/f also leaves a tiny sliver of doubt and anxiety in her about your long term intentions - this is good .

 

[DangNammit]

As a general answer to that - you can only lead when you are clear about where you want it to go.
Mostly these relationship "define" themselves by the behaviors of both people involved. They act "exclusive" , and in all cases that I can recall from my own experience, the women were eager to NOT see other guys .

TO most sane women, dating around and seeing a few random guys at the same time is somewhat unsettling (in spite of what they may claim to the contrary). Women naturally tend to seek 'one on one' relationships .
The exception are women with low interest level or women with BPD . A BPD woman will chase you until she lands you and then she will feel smothered by the expectations and restrictions of an adult relationships and will sabotage the committment and exclusivity . Then she will try to hook you back all over again and , a month later, she will create enough drama to break up with you once more - wash, rinse and repeat .

However the short answer to your question is to lead by your actions. IF you want to be exclusive with this woman just act accordingly without one word Curiously, because you have not had "the talk" , just acting as if she is your G/f also leaves a tiny sliver of doubt and anxiety in her about your long term intentions - this is good .

Jophil - Thanks for the input - I think I'm in just the right place then right now. She told me she does not want to see anyone else and that she hopes I'm not seeing anyone else... I kinda stayed vague with my response to her (neither affirming or denying). I am not seeing anyone else - I broke things off with the other girl I was seeing because this one is of so much higher caliber. She's like a really good friend but I get to have sex with her I do like her lots.

As for the BPD thing - been there, done that. I posted about my breakup with one in the official bpd thread some time ago. Last contact we had was Dec. 26th. I don't expect to ever hear from her again as I am perma-black in her eyes. She tore me up... I have since moved on from that (mostly) and have wised up tons because of that mess.

I'm so freakin' on guard about the bpd-thing now that every woman I date I keep analyzing sh1t to check myself before I wreck myself

Anyone who has fallen for one of these demons knows the painful ending I'm talking about...

Sooo... I do like the gal I'm with and would like to be with her exclusively at this point - the thought of her with someone else doesn't totally tear me up yet, but it does irritate me.

Thanks for the great advice everyone.

 

[DangNammit]

Okay I'm going to 180 on myself... I sent her a text at 8:30 tonight - no response from her as of 11... This kinda pisses me off - is this afc of me?

She's pulling some of this hot/cold sh1t that I dealt with with a bpd last go around... this is just starting to give me a bad vibe. I'm getting oneitis with this one...

I think I'm going to pull back hard on her... would really love some insight - I'm stuck

 

[jophil28]

Okay I'm going to 180 on myself... I sent her a text at 8:30 tonight - no response from her as of 11... This kinda pisses me off - is this afc of me?

She's pulling some of this hot/cold sh1t that I dealt with with a bpd last go around... this is just starting to give me a bad vibe. I'm getting oneitis with this one...

I think I'm going to pull back hard on her... would really love some insight - I'm stuck

Dang, settle down. There could be a several reasons why she has not replied.
I do understand your hypersensitivity to Hot/Cold behavior after a BPD relationship, however , a lack of a reply to your text is not necessarily a Hot/Cold mindgame?

Wait until noon tomorrow before you define her as another lunar resident.

She will be back.

Having said that, SOP, Chapter 6, page 47 directs us to pull back double when a woman pulls away or goes cold.

 

[Greasy Pig]

Yeah, maybe give her the benefit of the doubt. Instead of thinking of her in bed with some guy, she could be in bed after a car accident.
Give it some time and DON'T text her again before she responds (this has just inspired me to spawn a new thread actually).

 

[DangNammit]

Okay... she sent me a message first thing this am saying sorry that she fell asleep really early and missed my text.

I think the problem is more my hyper-sensitivity than it is her behavior. Thanks again guys... I'm trying to be sooo careful after last go around, but I don't want to trip myself up either. Great advice...

 

[jophil28]

Okay... she sent me a message first thing this am saying sorry that she fell asleep really early and missed my text.

I think the problem is more my hyper-sensitivity than it is her behavior. Thanks again guys... I'm trying to be sooo careful after last go around, but I don't want to trip myself up either. Great advice...

Ya see, always wait until noon.
Even if they fall asleep they always WAKE UP and always check their phone .

Perhaps you need to be mindful that your hair trigger is an inevitable consequence of your BPD fvckover. That will resolve itself in time (as long as you don't start dating another BPD nutjob).....:nono:

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

she only texts me - she has only called to chat once in 2 mos.

Strike One

She is 40...

Strike Two

We only get together a few times a month due to kids

Strike Three! YERRRRRRROUT!!



Brother, you're 34, really? Really?

Your texting Buffer is the least of your problems.

 

[jonwon]

Strike One



Strike Two



Strike Three! YERRRRRRROUT!!



Brother, you're 34, really? Really?

Your texting Buffer is the least of your problems.

I agree Rollo:

"I'm trying to be sooo careful after last go around, but I don't want to trip myself up either. Great advice..."

Dont want to sound an ars*, but seriously dude, you can do better than getting worked up over a single mother with kids, who you see once in a blue moon who doesn't even call you up.

But that's another thing right there, why oh why do you want to have a conversation with a woman on the phone anyway? That is only neccassary to go from base to base, ok this sounds a little extreme, but women can be the most boring people to have to listen to - They love to talk for hours on end about trivial tat, you cant get them off the dam phone, so in fairness a relationship built around texts to me sounds like bliss.

The alternative is much worse, hours on end spent trying to get her off the phone. Seriously I cut all telephone conversations with women, short, very short, dont let them get the ear!

Even so, why you getting so invested in a chick your hardly seeing! It shows me rather clearly your getting far too emotionally invested in this chick, and for what reason?!

 

[Kailex]

Brother, you're 34, really? Really?

Your texting Buffer is the least of your problems.

I hadn't even seen his age. Wow.
34... worried about the LTR with a 40 year old woman with kids.

WHY?

That's the best you can do?

And then you're worried about why she won't call and when you do bring it up to her... now she calls you more and then you say you don't want her to call????????

I'm... speechless.

 

[DangNammit]

I just typed a war and peace response on my pos phone and lost it all... errr. I'll reply with some more info / reasons why tomorrow when I have a pc... thanks for input