Tale of 3 plates

[thirdtimescharm]

I need to coalesce what is currently happening in my life in one place:

Plate #1: Lives 5 hours way. We met at a street fest at the end of May, and she came home with me that first night (although we did not go all the way), and we have since gotten together 3 more times and have since hit many home runs. She's recently divorced with two kids, and has stated that she doesn't want/expect a "relationship" except one that is fun, no pressure, and we just get together when it is convenient. Who can argue with that?

Plate #2: Lives about 15 miles away. We met through Craigslist the last week of July, and she also spent the night of our first date with me (also not going all the way), and since then we've had amazing sex, interesting and challenging discussions, and so far, similar to above, no representations have been made as far as being "exclusive." Just two people getting together and enjoying each others company.

Plate #3: Lives about 5 miles away. Met through free dating website just prior to memorial day, she spent that first night at my place, but did not go all the way, still had great fun. We've since spent a second night together, also stopping short of the finish line, but that doesn't really matter. I enjoy being with her, period. Youngest of the three, hottest of the three, and also extremely smart, funny, sarcastic, intriguing, and she's like catnip to my eyes and ears. I think I would keep -not- having sex with her for quite a while. She glows.

Any of them could even fall into the definition of "soul-mate" that Victory Unlimited outlined here. Certainly time will tell, and I think it is positively thrilling that I have options like this.

So what's the problem here? Me, of course. I have NEVER been a position to be seeing/sleeping with three quality (as I define it) women at the same time. I don't want to lose having any of them in my life right now, but to keep them all, obviously I have to keep some secrets. I know there are many who would label me a slut, a man whvre, and more. However, those labels are only borne out of an overall perception that our society places on us...not what standards we may have for ourselves. From my perspective, I've had the good fortune (or misfortune?) to meet three women within the same time frame who I appreciate, value, and respect. That they feel the same about me says I must be doing something right. Oh, and it is not about what I spend on them, because frankly, I have "invested" very little. And they all know that I'm not about to start.

I'm just looking for some perspective. Flame me, congratulate me, call me a hero, or call me a loser. I'm open to anything...possibilities are endless.

 

[jafyk]

Well, Congrats on your accomplishment although I think the rule says you should let the women know you're seeing other people. All, the same sicne you're not exclusive with any of them I guess you're well within your rights to keep secrets. I have met guys with a girl and they both acknowledged to be BF/GF and yet next time I see this same guy at another place with a different and I speak to this new girl and she tells me that she is this guy's GF too. It kind of makes me mad but I just bite my tongue.
I guess my question is how do you make quality time for all 3 of them? I'm guessing you may have a light schedule. Also in order no to feel like you don't wanna lose them I think you should have other interests outside of them. I don't really think you have any problems though. Good job.

 

[thirdtimescharm]

Thanks jafyk. Actually, when I met plate #2, she asked me if I was seeing anyone one else, and I did tell her that I was still seeing plate #1. The subject has not come up again.

As far as time, so far it has been relatively easy as #1 lives 5 hours away so it has been a once a month thing. I went to her home In June, but she has family here and has been up here twice on weekends since. #2 has a busy schedule and we have gotten together only once during the week last week, and #3 just started 10 days ago and we have seen each other twice, a late Sunday night and then this last Saturday which was not a "planned" thing. I play tennis 3-5 days a week usually, and also will be mixing in bikram yoga, so I am pretty busy myself. It really has amazed me how smoothly it has all worked out...so far

 

[Paradox]

You're being greedy.

I've had 7 girlfriends at the same time and believe me it's no picnic. As you can imagine there's alot of lying and deception involved. You are smart enough to imagine some of the things that I had to do. Having more than one girlfriend is painful because you HAVE TO LIE. There is no getting around it.

I am paying for it now (Karma). Choose one and let the others go.

 

[The Bat]

Plate 1 - 5 hours? Wow, I hope you aren't the one doing all the driving all the time to go see her and have sex with her. Just make sure that it's a give and take relationship (everything from both of you driving to see each other to the bedroom pleasures). Sounds like she just wants a fvck buddy. You don't have to tell her you're seeing other gals. She expects that you're seeing other gals. And understand that you need to expect that she is also seeing other guys.

Plate 2 - Ok same thing. Don't worry about being exclusive with her unless you want to or she brings it up. No need to rattle any cages.

Plate 3 - Hmm be careful here. You're treading close to one-itis...at least you are starting to exhibit some one-itis qualities with her ("smartest/hottest of the three", "would not have sex with her for awhile", etc.) Bang her brains out first then worry about calling her "quality".

Honestly, you are worrying too much for nothing. Just keep doing what you're doing. You seem to know what works for you and what doesn't. Perfect. Just keep spinning these plates and get to know them. Do this for maybe 3-4 months and see where you're at. At that point, if you can say, "i want to be with this girl" then no harm in becoming exclusive with that woman...if that's what you want.

Don't worry about them thinking/liking less of you for dating other girls. It actually works in your favor to set up some competition for them. And I see you've already told one girl that you're spinning plates so you can just sit back and relax and enjoy the company of these three women.

Just don't jump into an exclusive relationship too quickly before you've made up your mind that you really want to become exclusive. And if they bring up that topic, just casually tell them to not ruin the fun you two are having now being inexclusive. If she understands, awesome. If not, then too bad you two weren't compatible.

 

[thirdtimescharm]

You're being greedy.

So from your perspective, spinning plates is simply wrong, correct?

Seven "girlfriends?" Man, that's just nuts!

 

[thirdtimescharm]

Plate 1 - 5 hours? Wow, I hope you aren't the one doing all the driving all the time to go see her and have sex with her.

I only made the drive once. She's come up here the other times. And I think everything else you said is spot-on.

Plate 2 - Ok same thing. Don't worry about being exclusive with her unless you want to or she brings it up. No need to rattle any cages.

Perfect. I'm with you %100.

Plate 3 - Hmm be careful here. You're treading close to one-itis...at least you are starting to exhibit some one-itis qualities with her ("smartest/hottest of the three", "would not have sex with her for awhile", etc.) Bang her brains out first then worry about calling her "quality".

Dude, you are so right about the one-itis possibilities. But here's a thing...when we were in bed Sunday morning, I told her I just wanted to rip her clothes off (some were off, not all) and she said "how about I will tell you when it is ok to rip my clothes off?" And I just said no problem, and we went back to making out.

Honestly, you are worrying too much for nothing. Just keep doing what you're doing. You seem to know what works for you and what doesn't. Perfect. Just keep spinning these plates and get to know them. Do this for maybe 3-4 months and see where you're at. At that point, if you can say, "i want to be with this girl" then no harm in becoming exclusive with that woman...if that's what you want.

What, me worry? Seriously, If I can keep this up for 3-4 months, it is going to be a GREAT fall! But I definitely agree that at some point, a decision will have to be made.

 

[Paradox]

So from your perspective, spinning plates is simply wrong, correct?

Define spinning plates. If you mean just dating (coffee, movies, dinner) then no. Spinning plates is not wrong. Dating multiple girls is not wrong.

On the other hand if you mean. Inserting yourself in several girls at the same time without telling the others then yes that is wrong.

Seven "girlfriends?" Man, that's just nuts!

Yes, it was nuts. At the time I didn't see it that way. Take my word for it, choose one and be honest with her.

 

[BeyondCharm]

Define spinning plates. If you mean just dating (coffee, movies, dinner) then no. Spinning plates is not wrong. Dating multiple girls is not wrong.

On the other hand if you mean. Inserting yourself in several girls at the same time without telling the others then yes that is wrong.


Yes, it was nuts. At the time I didn't see it that way. Take my word for it, choose one and be honest with her.

I only want to comment on the above because you are telling this guy what is right and wrong. Your morals and his may be entirely different, and it should be clear to the thread opener that this is your opinion and based on your own morals of right and wrong.

The saying goes: To thyself be true.

I do however in my own life choose to be honest with the women I date about who I am, what I want in my life and in a relationship. It actually helps us become more fulfilled as people.

If you are feeling frustrated or experiencing anxiety, you need to look into yourself and do a moral inventory of what it is that you TRULY need and want right now in your life. It is important that you are completely honest with yourself and with others if you want to live life by lifes terms. As soon as we start lying and deceiving others, we will innevitably lie and deceive ourself and thus we enter into Dante's Inferno.

 

[Mr. Me]

Your morals and his may be entirely different

True. Yet, it's not "moral" to be dishonest. That's "immoral". There are certain accepted standards of morality that we, as a civilized society, ascribe to.

Regardless of personal ethics (or lack of), I think we can all agree that it is more upright to let someone involved with us know that there are others, rather than hiding that fact. After all, we know it may not be looked at kindly and lose that person if revealed, which is exactly why it's being hidden. Things need to be hidden in order to deceive.

But by being honest, we are freely permitting that other person to decide for herself if she wants to stay with this or not. Otherwise, she is perhaps being fooled into thinking things are what they aren't.

So when someone says these are women that he 'appreciates, values, and respects', yet with some of them may not let them know what page he's on with them, well, if that were done to me, I wouldn't consider that to be showing me respect.

You'll find that women, if they want you, will share you. And you don't have to hide what you're doing. We're all free agents.

The saying goes: To thyself be true.

You're misapplying the quote! It doesn't mean "do what your nature would have you do according to your own sense of ethics". It's from Shakespeare, and here's the full verse:

"This above all:
To thine own self be true,
for it must follow as dost the night the day,
that canst not then be false to any man."

Interesting, huh? "It must follow... canst not then be false to any man."

 

[BeyondCharm]

True. Yet, it's not "moral" to be dishonest. That's "immoral". There are certain accepted standards of morality that we, as a civilized society, ascribe to.

Regardless of personal ethics (or lack of), I think we can all agree that it is more upright to let someone involved with us know that there are others, rather than hiding that fact. After all, we know it may not be looked at kindly and lose that person if revealed, which is exactly why it's being hidden. Things need to be hidden in order to deceive.

But by being honest, we are freely permitting that other person to decide for herself if she wants to stay with this or not. Otherwise, she is perhaps being fooled into thinking things are what they aren't.

So when someone says these are women that he 'appreciates, values, and respects', yet with some of them may not let them know what page he's on with them, well, if that were done to me, I wouldn't consider that to be showing me respect.

You'll find that women, if they want you, will share you. And you don't have to hide what you're doing. We're all free agents.



You're misapplying the quote! It doesn't mean "do what your nature would have you do according to your own sense of ethics". It's from Shakespeare, and here's the full verse:

"This above all:
To thine own self be true,
for it must follow as dost the night the day,
that canst not then be false to any man."

Interesting, huh? "It must follow... canst not then be false to any man."

Mr. Me,

I want to thank you for your corrections of my latest post. Indeed I too am capable of fallacy and misrepresenting understandings of terminology.

I agree with you that dishonesty is morally wrong. For me, to lie to another human being is the same as lying to God himself because my higher power (God) sees all, knows all and is there with me in all things. I am grateful for your perspective that you have shared.

You are correct as well that by being honest with women, we give them the choice and allow them to decide if they want to share us. We can also live free of anxiety and worry of them "finding us out" because we have kept no skeletons in the closet and thus we have no secrets. This is true freedom and is in my opinion the only way to become and grow as spiritually progressive people.

 

[Vulpine]

Many withhold the truth about seeing other women from plate because of a potential for negative perception. That is, guys don't tell women about seeing other women because it may seem to the woman that the guy is a "player" and her interest will drop.

However, my experiences have proven quite the opposite. When delivered with some tact and confidence, "the truth" proves quite rewarding.

Initially, women have been slighted and react accordingly. However, if you don't apologize (which is crucial), it is showing them a few things that they are strongly attracted to, and adds to your power in other ways.

1. Balls. You've got them. You told the woman the truth despite the potential consequences.
2. Value. Other women want you, so she does to.
3. Challenge. Other women want you, so she has to compete.
4. Lack of desperation/neediness.
5. Honor. You grabbed your balls and did the right thing.
6. Respect. You told her instead of abuse her - ultimately quite refreshing in today's dating world.
7. Communication. You opened your mouth. Guys typically don't.

Now, all that aside, there is the karma thing, too. I'm right there with Paradox: I have juggled many women at once. Unfortunately, I did it a lot... A LOT. I've been reaping my rewards, too. After "giving that up", I have been getting many women juggling me, or worse, or even worse than worse.

And, it's quite liberating to just get rid of that dark storm cloud hanging overhead.

Sure, you'll get some snipes like: "So, do your other girls suck it this good?" But, those sort of cracks only add to your game.

"No, they do it much better... *pause to reflect* But, you seem to enjoy doing it more, so I'm happy to let you keep practicing."

Or...

"Do you want to watch how they do it? I'm sure they wouldn't mind giving you a few pointers. Here, hand me my phone..."

Or even...

"Never mind that, you should be asking if they mind another woman's poo stank on my cØck when they're giving me head: you obviously don't."

 

[PTC]

However, my experiences have proven quite the opposite. When delivered with some tact and confidence, "the truth" proves quite rewarding.

This is very true!! In fact,... too true sometimes!! The last GF i had,... \which turned out to be BPD, this worked too well. I told her up front i was seeing other girls and it just made her push harder. Eventually she won out and I got sucked into BPD LAND and I'm sure you know the rest.....

I think the better way to do it is just tell them up front that you are not looking for a relationship and nothing serious but just to go out and have fun. If they stay with you its a pretty much given they are looking for the same thing and you will eventually have dessert and breakfast in the sack with them!!

 

[SoCalMike]

However, my experiences have proven quite the opposite. When delivered with some tact and confidence, "the truth" proves quite rewarding.

I have not found this to be the case at all. Whenever I have told a girl I was seeing that I was dating other women, she got jealous and angry.

But if it works for you that's cool. Personally I will not risk it again.

 

[thirdtimescharm]

I've already had the "I'm seeing other people" discussion with the first two, and neither one got jealous, angry, or said goodbye. Obviously, if the person you tell is doing the same thing, the news is easier to swallow. If the person you tell is needy, or having other dysfunctional issues, they aren't going to take it well.

I will admit that the whole situation is causing me some anxiety and moral dilemma, even though I have been forthcoming with the first two. It is odd though, that I have the MOST anxiety regarding #3, but upon examination, it makes sense because she is the only one who doesn't "know" about the others. Then again, I have a feeling she is also dating around---but sleeping around is an unknown. Of course, it might be why she has drawn the line there...she could be sleeping with other people herself. I don't have a problem with it myself as long as I'm made aware, but if it's hidden, then I would feel differently.

 

[thirdtimescharm]

"Never mind that, you should be asking if they mind another woman's poo stank on my cØck when they're giving me head: you obviously don't."

That's just sick. :cheer:

 

[BeyondCharm]

I've already had the "I'm seeing other people" discussion with the first two, and neither one got jealous, angry, or said goodbye. Obviously, if the person you tell is doing the same thing, the news is easier to swallow. If the person you tell is needy, or having other dysfunctional issues, they aren't going to take it well.

I will admit that the whole situation is causing me some anxiety and moral dilemma, even though I have been forthcoming with the first two. It is odd though, that I have the MOST anxiety regarding #3, but upon examination, it makes sense because she is the only one who doesn't "know" about the others. Then again, I have a feeling she is also dating around---but sleeping around is an unknown. Of course, it might be why she has drawn the line there...she could be sleeping with other people herself. I don't have a problem with it myself as long as I'm made aware, but if it's hidden, then I would feel differently.

Here is the beauty of honesty. Once you can be honest, you can find out the truth in many cases to things that before otherwise seemed impossible to know.

For example, you say you have anxiety. So let's say you tell #3 about #1 and #2. You might find out right after that whether she is or isn't seeing other people, because one, she may tell you she's doing the same, or two she may tell you she isn't, but ultimately it opens up the door for you to ASK HER if she is. If you're willing to tell her something, you can certainly be willing to ask her if she's doing the same. That is, if you believe its important enough to ask her to ease your worries (which at this point are unfounded and are purely suspicions based on nothing but your own thinking).

 

[thirdtimescharm]

That is, if you believe its important enough to ask her to ease your worries (which at this point are unfounded and are purely suspicions based on nothing but your own thinking).

The suspicions are somewhat based in reality. I won't go into the details, but I know that she has a very busy social life (which is of course quite different than saying she might be sleeping with other people), and I'm completely fine with that (and glad that she is busy, since it means she's less likely to display the type of needy behavior that has attracted me in the past). I'm busy too, and it's one thing to start seeing someone new and spend some time -alone- with them to get to know them, and quite another to start integrating them into the rest of your life. After all, we just met 10 days ago, and we're just qualifying each other at this point.

What is really important for me is to notice the anxiety is all self-inflicted, and not to project any of that back on her. I am responsible, %100, and as difficult as it may be to admit and potentially face losing the opportunity to know her better, honesty is the only way to handle it.

 

[Mr. Me]

Vulpine +1

Whenever I have told a girl I was seeing that I was dating other women, she got jealous and angry. But if it works for you that's cool.

It worked for you too in that it revealed the kind of women you were with.

regarding #3... I have a feeling she is also dating around---but sleeping around is an unknown... she could be sleeping with other people herself. I don't have a problem with it myself as long as I'm made aware, but if it's hidden, then I would feel differently.

Assume that she is.

I think the "problem" is that #3 is "like catnip" to you. Maybe if you could try to bump down your interest in her some you'd feel more on an even keel and be able to be with her as you are with Plate # 2?

 

[Truebrit]

I need to coalesce what is currently happening in my life in one place:

Plate #1: Lives 5 hours way. We met at a street fest at the end of May, and she came home with me that first night (although we did not go all the way), and we have since gotten together 3 more times and have since hit many home runs. She's recently divorced with two kids, and has stated that she doesn't want/expect a "relationship" except one that is fun, no pressure, and we just get together when it is convenient. Who can argue with that?

Plate #2: Lives about 15 miles away. We met through Craigslist the last week of July, and she also spent the night of our first date with me (also not going all the way), and since then we've had amazing sex, interesting and challenging discussions, and so far, similar to above, no representations have been made as far as being "exclusive." Just two people getting together and enjoying each others company.

Plate #3: Lives about 5 miles away. Met through free dating website just prior to memorial day, she spent that first night at my place, but did not go all the way, still had great fun. We've since spent a second night together, also stopping short of the finish line, but that doesn't really matter. I enjoy being with her, period. Youngest of the three, hottest of the three, and also extremely smart, funny, sarcastic, intriguing, and she's like catnip to my eyes and ears. I think I would keep -not- having sex with her for quite a while. She glows.

Any of them could even fall into the definition of "soul-mate" that Victory Unlimited outlined here. Certainly time will tell, and I think it is positively thrilling that I have options like this.

So what's the problem here? Me, of course. I have NEVER been a position to be seeing/sleeping with three quality (as I define it) women at the same time. I don't want to lose having any of them in my life right now, but to keep them all, obviously I have to keep some secrets. I know there are many who would label me a slut, a man whvre, and more. However, those labels are only borne out of an overall perception that our society places on us...not what standards we may have for ourselves. From my perspective, I've had the good fortune (or misfortune?) to meet three women within the same time frame who I appreciate, value, and respect. That they feel the same about me says I must be doing something right. Oh, and it is not about what I spend on them, because frankly, I have "invested" very little. And they all know that I'm not about to start.

I'm just looking for some perspective. Flame me, congratulate me, call me a hero, or call me a loser. I'm open to anything...possibilities are endless.

Dont do what I did recently and commit to one but continue spinning plates on the side. It will end in tears (yours).

Keep them all as plates - the temptation is of course to snap up the hottest one but to be honest with this situation so far you can have your cake and eat it - sounds like your enjoying it and rightly so. Its a nice feeling. A side effect is that the "don't give a fu**" attitude" will keep all these plates healty and attract new plates as well. Its a momentum thing. Just treat them all well when you are with them; (dont rub there noses in it ) -they will likely realise they are being spun but most dont seem to mind that much if you keep it very low key.

Watch out for getting genuine feelings for one you like though and if you DO and she is genuinly HIGH value - phase the others ones out.

But so far - if it aint broke, don't fix it.