Survivors of Hurricane BPD..

[DJinBlue]

Longtime reader, infrequent poster. This is not a how to get my ex back plea. I am about a month and a half removed from my last contact with a BPD that would put most of them to shame. She's a waif and I was a virgin AFC, so the damage was subtle, insidious, and far more venomous.

For 3 years I lost every ounce of self respect I built throughout college in this mess. It was typical stuff. Push pull, lying, cheating, and emotional blackmail, but the idealization was as powerful as the splitting. She has a tattoo on her foot that's a tribute to me and every morning I wonder if it gets to her.

I am 26 years old with absolute freedom in life, while she's a bombshell coming very close to the wall and this is why she's run back to her ex again as security gets further from her grasp. I have minimal bills and responsibilties, and plans to leave the United States and go abroad for a year in about 18 months. But these long hours at this (well paying) dead end job during a brutal winter are not helping. I still find myself going over this tragedy multiple times a day.

I have read all the workings of Rollo, Roosh, Heartiste and sites designated to BPD, but this was worse than my parent's divorce at 12, the death of a grandparent to cancer, and a family run in with the criminal courts. I have never understood this. I was fortunate - got out before marriage, before kids, and now we live 1,000 miles apart. All the stars are aligned for it to truly be over. Yet I still hope for another hoover just to simply ignore it, and I struggle to forgive myself for how this went and to let go of the idea of some illusion of closure.

To answer your question in advance, no I am not spinning any other plates right now. My game is too far off in this state of bewilderment. I am going to the gym every other day, and I notice girls notice me there and at work, but between the appaling attitudes of American women and a jaded edge on me that everyone has picked up on, I'm concerned that I will not be free until I take this planned trip and prove to myself I can live my dreams.

Any advice from survivors would be appreciated...

 

[Atom Smasher]

You're either going to get sucked back into her spirit-crushing vortex for another round, or you're not. If you do, it means that you haven't yet experienced enough torment to be able to walk away. If you don't, then you will heal and become empowered very quickly.

Nothing we say will sway you. You are riding on emotion. We can recommend that you maintain NC all we want, and it will not matter because you're going to do what you have to do.

Once the critical mass of pain is achieved, you will leave her for good. Another round with her will be yet one more period of gut-wrenching pain as you feel your very soul being sucked out of you (again).

I truly hope that you have received enough pain from this toxic monster (she can't help being this) that you will avoid taking her back.

 

[DJinBlue]

Thanks for the reply. Yes, I have experienced enough torment. There is no hope for this. My issue is now within. I question who I am to have let this happen, and struggle with the PTSD and a jaded edge the likes of which I am way too young for. The hunger for revenge, hoping that this ho will get worse as I get better, is something I'm dying to let go of, but have failed miserably at so far. That and my inability to spin other plates, even though it's only been a few months back in the field.

You're either going to get sucked back into her spirit-crushing vortex for another round, or you're not. If you do, it means that you haven't yet experienced enough torment to be able to walk away. If you don't, then you will heal and become empowered very quickly.

Nothing we say will sway you. You are riding on emotion. We can recommend that you maintain NC all we want, and it will not matter because you're going to do what you have to do.

Once the critical mass of pain is achieved, you will leave her for good. Another round with her will be yet one more period of gut-wrenching pain as you feel your very soul being sucked out of you (again).

I truly hope that you have received enough pain from this toxic monster (she can't help being this) that you will avoid taking her back.

 

[Atom Smasher]

You shouldn't blame yourself AT ALL.

A BPD is like a hacker, an expert at circumventing a man's critical mind, and injecting her code directly into his hard-wiring. She accesses your inner core without you being aware of it, and the result is absolute confusion as she sucks the life-force out of you. You had no idea what was going on, and you had no idea how to fix it. The inexperienced man who has an encounter with a BPD is a sitting duck with almost no defenses and therefore cannot be blamed.

Now you're older and smarter, and possess the discernment required to weed out the BPDs. Don't let your sadness or loneliness disguise the fact that right now you're literally experiencing withdrawal from a DRUG. The drug was the way she made you feel during the good times and the familiarity you had with her.

Remember that now is the toughest time, and it WILL get better soon. Escape from a BPD always involves intense pain (because of the direct access they have into a man's very core), but also massive growth and empowerment as he realizes he can reject her in spite of her begging and "negotiations".

Stay strong, bro. This is about YOU, your escape from Hell, and your rediscovering your value.

 

[DJinBlue]

AtomSmasher, your thoughts are appreciated. This is not only cheaper than therapy, but I don't have to worry about a feminist agenda here either. These forums are a great service to young men and my little brother told me they may have saved my life.

You're spot on about this being withdrawal from a hard drug. During the darkest moments of this battle I was tampering with xanax and sleeping pills. In the middle year of the three I was fired from 2 jobs for basically a lack of concentration. Now I can at least tell you I've enjoyed some success with this one. I've adapted to tuning this out while talking to clients.

Besides drugs I also liken this to a bad investment. Failures at stocks happen because of ego and an inability to let go. This is understandable, as I spent the early part of my 20's living something that was at least partially a lie. Now into my mid 20's my unrest comes in wondering whether any of it was true - if she at times tried to love in the only way she knew how. If not I feel really foolish. There is a LOT of animosity directed towards BPD's in the manosphere, and for good reasons, but the comparisons to vampires and demonic possesion is enough to create some unhealthy trust issues.

I'm looking forward to quitting my day job the moment I hit $50k in cash and traveling the world. I have visions of going overseas and chatting up friendly women with hair to their waist. I do know though that if I don't let go of this bitterness soon I will not be much company to them there, just like it's stopping me from getting laid here.

 

[DJinBlue]

AtomSmasher, did you go through the wringer with a BPD too?

Insights from other survivors are welcome.

 

[GotED?]

I was married to a BPD-prone (You can't call someone a BPD really until they have been clinically diagnosed by proper professional) woman for 3 months and ran for my life while in Germany.

I am 6'2" and been told intimidating at first sight, but she beat me up in the face with an object and made me bleed. It was the first time ever in my life anyone ever physically intruded upon me and from that day forward, I lost my innocence as a boy and started my journey to become a man (in my mid30's).

She was (at the time due to my low self-esteem and image) the hottest woman I THOUGHT I could ever get in my life, because I was a full blown AFC without game. She knew the victims she chose. She was like a 9 during her 20's because the photos she showed me of her younger years was just incredible.

The drug that you are on is your low-self esteem and ego-driven desire to prove to your lack of self-worth that you are worthy because you enjoy having a beautiful woman in your arms to prove to the world it is so. She knows how to be seductive, she knows how to lure you with her body and ample sex. She will emotionally ENGULF you with submissiveness (on the surface, it is all an illusion), she will tell you sweet things that no other woman will so quickly after meeting that gets you emotionally invested and imprisoned. She is a man's worst nightmare, because she is the perfected FEMALE DON JUAN - she knows how we men work and she has it down to an art because she's been with probably more man than you ever want to believe she's capable of.

Until you can figure this illusion out, you will always be in the prison of your own mind and ego.

She freed me from my captivity in the end, she drove me to this website 4 years ago. I have been a re-born man and have never looked back. It took reading over 10-15 BPD subjected books before I healed myself slowly and understood what happend and why she is the way she is (never knew who her father was, red flag).

Don't mislabel a woman 'BPD' just because you didn't get the upper hand in a relationship. BPD's have extreme instability emotionally - until you have experienced the rapid formation of rage, anger, manipulation, physical aggression, push/pull games, running away and coming back repeatedly, you don't know what BPD is.

I would recommend reading the book 'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle. He explained a lot about the pain human suffering goes through in life. It inspired me greatly to move on from that BPD-prone experience.

Be well.

Exodus

 

[Atom Smasher]

AtomSmasher, did you go through the wringer with a BPD too?

Yes sir, I did. That was about 3 years ago, while was a member here at SS.

Fortunately I was able to break away rather quickly (about 6 months) largely because of what I learned here.

 

[guitaronfire411]

I was with one for just over 4 years. I really wanted to make it work and I went from being a cool dude to a guy that was doing stuff that was totally wrong.

I remember thinking that she was waaay out of my league but never said it. She was definitely cute when I first met her and had a great waif-like personality. After a year or so, that all disappeared except for glimpses of it years later.

But the signs were all there, but I really wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt and put my trust in her because I had been looking for a cute girl for so long. A lot of the girls I had met were nice and fairly fat already in their mid-20's, or super skinny and had been smoking themselves stupid.

All the red flags were there: inability to compromise, extreme selfishness, inability to understand other people's feelings, rarely giving back (90% me, 10% her) and needing a sugar daddy, always never at fault, rarely apologizing, ignoring my wishes (this was true when I told her I didn't want her hanging 1-on-1 with her close guy friend), etc.

We moved in together once, so that was a waste of money because no matter whatever I did, she was unhappy. BPD/Borderlines will NEVER be happy, NO MATTER who they are with! So the cycle of adoration, devaluation and then discard will happen with WHOEVER and eventually they will suck all of your energy.

No joke, I wanted to kill myself when we were done before Xmas. When you have your first LTR/serious relationship, you think it will never end. Yet when you have someone who is as unstable, unappreciative and dirt-poor as she was, she had to constantly sell off her possessions (and small gifts I had given her after we broke up seriously the first time).

I still miss her, or at least the person who I thought that was loyal, would never cheat on me, who would message me throughout the day, etc. She was the TOTAL opposite and deleted her messages on Facebook, sent out suspicious e-mails, removed texts and hid her phone, etc.

RUN LIKE HELL NO MATTER WHAT. NO MATTER WHAT MEDICATION THEY TAKE, THEY WILL NEVER BE BETTER. INFACT, MANY BIPOLARS GET /WORSE/ and MORE DEPRESSED WITH AGE. THEY OFTEN CANNOT KEEP A JOB GOING AND ARE SELF-DESTRUCTIVE. THEY WILL BLAME YOU FOR EVERY LAST THING AND BRING YOU DOWN WITH THEM.

She cannot keep friends, particularly girl-friends. She had two friends from college back in September and dropped them. As far as I know, she now only has 1 female friend who puts up with her. Most of her friends were actually my friends who eventually hated her guts.

Happy thoughts.

 

[GotED?]

www.gettinbetter.com


Read the BPD articles, it will help you understand and heal.

This is an excellent gem of a find - thanks for sharing, Mauser96.

+1 repped.

Exodus

 

[abe0]

I

RUN LIKE HELL NO MATTER WHAT. NO MATTER WHAT MEDICATION THEY TAKE, THEY WILL NEVER BE BETTER. INFACT, MANY BIPOLARS GET /WORSE/ and MORE DEPRESSED WITH AGE. THEY OFTEN CANNOT KEEP A JOB GOING AND ARE SELF-DESTRUCTIVE. THEY WILL BLAME YOU FOR EVERY LAST THING AND BRING YOU DOWN WITH THEM.

Happy thoughts.

Talking here about BORDERLINE PERSONALITY not bipolars.

Also, with the book about Power of Now....this is about self improvement and not a book on borderlines in case you have not read it.

Just reading through this is giving me post traumatic stress as I too had to deal with a borderline and a bipolar....two deadly combinations combined into one. It is a miracle I am still alive. Abe

 

[guitaronfire411]

Yes. From the way that she was able to "forget me" and the 4 year relationship in two weeks and have no more feelings, I suspect she was co-morbid with Borderline Disorder too. Co-morbidity is common in Cluster B's.

 

[SgtSplacker]

There is no better advice to dealing with BPD women than this.


Enjoy..

 

[fuko2007]

Listen to me DJ in Blue. Do yourself a favor and run for the hills buddy. This same thing is why i am part of this board. Most of these guys Atom Smasher and Mauser96 to be specific gave me most of my advice and know my story. Well like you i was like a bambi out there and know clue she was the big bad wolf. Against their advice i went back and they told what would happen. You will either be pushed away or get the balls to walk away but she will come back. And she did, needless to say i did not take the last part of their advice and keep walking. I went back in thinking i could control it, well you cant.

Never think you can control or out smart someone like a BPD when i comes to any type of relationship. They will destroy you man , in a big way. Listen to these guys advice it is some of the best out there. And learn from my screw up's. RUN RUN RUN and keep RUNNING.

 

[Johnny Alias]

This is an excellent thread...

Am I a survivor??? Just barely. We broke up 6 months ago after 4 years. I'd had enough of her constant drunken rages and utter inability to take responsibility for ANYTHING she does wrong.

Since then I've banged about 5 chicks and had a short term rebound with one... but the BPD always lurks in my mind. NC for like 90 days or something.

You're lucky man... I'd give ANYTHING for mine to be 1000 miles away. Wow. I'm even contemplating a move right now to the coast to get away from mine.

Bumped into her and her bf at a party this weekend out of NOWHERE. Heart was beating like crazy. Hadn't seen her once this whole time. Had to leave for a minute and collect myself. Came back. The steroid monster gave me the stinkeye all night. She's gained weight from all her drinking and looked HAGGARD with her stupid fake hair and face fillers. Her dumper was also much bigger thank god...

At one point we looked each other dead in the face. No smiles from her. No anything. Can't even describe it...

The next day she tore apart one of her friends and accused her of sleeping with me. She's done this with two others as well. Uncontrollable RAGE. Is it because she cares about me and wants me back? NO! She's worried someone is going to play with one of her toys... that's all we are to them after all. Even now she thinks she OWNS me.

Felt a STRONG urge to break NC today to send her a note saying "If you're so goddamned happy and in love, why do you keep attacking our friends???" What would this accomplish? Jack sh1t.

Part of me is relieved she's gone... and part of me is addicted to her insane drama.

Read these links. Listen to these guys. They know what they're talking about. Therapy is good. Just be glad she's gone and BLOCK every form of communication. She could have destroyed you. Its what they ALL do...

Her ex husband sits alone in his mansion with no friends and in failing health... and he still helps her when she asks... This is the poor guy who she cheated on with me for a YEAR. Does she have a BIT of remorse? Oh hell no.

 

[DJinBlue]

Johnny, The utter failure to take any responsibility in the heat of the moment was always a huge issue with mine, unless of course a few weeks had passed and i had all but accepted the breakup. Then the heartfelt hoovers came...

Yes I am lucky to be 6 states away now. I can't imagine a recovery would have been possible living a mile away. Thats how deep these females cut into your psyche. Theyre present everywhere. When you live nearby you fear leaving your house and catching them red handed. I feel for you being stuck. But all experience is equal. While this tortures you, I struggle that I haven't banged another girl in 6 months. Aloof ******* game hasn't worked..they only rarely come to you. And I don't have the spirit to carry on a phony c&f routine right now. What has worked for you?

The hardest part of letting go is wrapping my head around the idea I could have felt such regret at my age, Ive coped normally with things much worse on paper, and of course KILLING this savior schema that I built for myself. because if another hoover comes after a true nc period of several months, this is the true test.

 

[Johnny Alias]

Believe that. Youve got to suppress that idiot white knight within you. That noble retard gets you into MAJOR trouble.

Getting chicks hasn't been hard for me. I'm not bad looking and can turn on the charm pretty easy. Just make them laugh then they're yours.

Try Tinder to get your feet wet. Banged a few off there. Create a list of girls and constantly update it with your status. Doesn't matter if you're banging them or not. Just create the list of chicks you want to hit and make notes. The point is you don't care about rejection because you've always got something else lined up. Youre spinning plates.

Be interesting. Do not be boring. Always have something to talk about, but let them do most of the talking. Keep going to the gym. Strike up some conversation with the gals there. At the worst it will be practice for you.

The winter months suck. I'm not gonna lie. It's a loooooong stretch.

As for the BPD stuff... man. The scary part for me is realizing how UNREAL she was with me. She mirrored me and was a kind fun person. Her photography business grew, she made loads of friends, and between the rages she was GREAT to be around...

Now? She mirrors the new guy who is a total meathead douchebag. Very aggressive. He's already gotten arrested in a bar fight since they've been together. People cant stand them together and their constant drama. Almost all her friends think she's a total bvtch now and are leaving her in droves. I think what she's doing now is closer to her real nature and she was suppressing it to be around me. She's basically just a remorseless evil person who attacks everyone due to her effed up childhood issues. Being mad at mommy and daddy... who i think might have tickled her too hard if you get my meaning.

If you want to know who a person is and what they'll become you look at the parents and man this is NOT a pretty sight.

This is gonna sound dumb, but I was just talking to the mutual friend she accused of sleeping with me. The BPD made it clear that their friendship is over despite her having done NOTHING wrong. She even went so far as to send a pic of her ex with another chick from the other night... just to be cruel to her now ex friend... and she laughed about it.

They're sick. They do not have a conscience. They do not care about ANYONE but themselves and their own amusement in the moment. EVERYONE eventually becomes their enemy. It's frightening stuff.

The woman I knew never existed. I've finally begun to realize that now. Thankfully her looks are are already tailspinning into old bar hag at 43 years old. Combine that with coke, fistfulls of painkillers, cigarettes, and BOOOOOZE. Lots and lots of booze.

These people end up bitter and alone eventually. Mental patients pretty much. Let her go. You've truly dodged the biggest bullet you can imagine.

 

[Pimp-sicle]

I have never understood this

Don't try to understand it on a rational, logical level; it will leave you more confused than when you started.

If you do spend time trying to figure it all out and piece it together, spend that time understanding what the disorder is, not why this particular girl did what she did.

Simply put, she can't help it; its a part of her.

BPD is a disorder of intimacy. Bible Belt has been huge in really helping people (myself included) understand BPD on a simple level. I highly suggest looking up some of his replies on this topic, it will be educational and healing all at once.

Her life is a movie and she will constantly replay the scene over and over again; just with a different leading man in each case. She fears abandonment because she realizes (whether she admits it or not) that something is not right with her.

The mistake I see most guys make is staying with a girl like this, because they feel sorry for her. As much as it sucks, its not your problem to solve. As you know she's always drowning, waiting to be rescued and once you offer a hand, suddenly your drowning with her.

Yet I still hope for another hoover just to simply ignore it, and I struggle to forgive myself for how this went and to let go of the idea of some illusion of closure.

This is common; your ego is severely bruised and it wants validation. I recall feeling the same exact way from the 2 BPD experiences I have had.

but between the appalling attitudes of American women and a jaded edge on me that everyone has picked up on

Obviously it will take time to heal, but I urge you not to have this mindset. One or two bad experiences, doesn't mean all American women or certain type of women are bad news. I'm sure on some level you realize this and its more your hurt feelings on the table.

The common theme I've seen with BPD women in my life is I got involved with them when my life wasn't headed in the right direction. They were about 10 years apart too.

This sounds like simple advice, but it truly is a great way to protect yourself outside of spinning plates always: Screen women more effectively.

I'm not saying run at the first red flag, but women will always show you why you should/shouldn't be with them fairly early on.

Most guys who end up with BPD women and STAY, are guys who are emotionally weak and fear being alone. This is not including guys who truly understand the disorder and don't get too emotionally invested.

I didn't read all the replies, but Shrink4Men is a great site to get some perspective.

Don't prevent yourself from feeling the loss that you feel, its part of the healing process; it will get easier and you will look back down the line and feel 100x better.

If you need to chat, feel free to PM me, I could probably write a book on this subject.











PIMP

 

[papawapa]

In the aftermath of my 13 year ride through Borderline hell there is one piece of advice I was given that I will pass on...

"It takes time for your heart to catch up to your head"


You know in your head that the end of the relationship is what is best for you, but your heart still yearns for the "love" you thought you had. It is your heart that is hoping for another hoover. You have to use your willpower to override your heart. It all sounds easy, but it is not at all easy to do.

Despite knowing in my head that things would never work out with my ex, that we would always find ourselves back in the same pattern of chaos, my heart led me to exhaust all possible attempts to win her back. Fortunately she resisted them all and eventually the pain of my loss subsided enough and I was able to move on.

I eventually started dating again and was able to maintain no contact. I have found a real sweetheart that is my main plate now. My life is magnitudes better than it ever was when caught up in the land of Borderline.


To move on is simple yet difficult...

First thing is to maintain no contact. Delete her from your life. Lose her number, delete her from social media. Avoid any place you might run into her.

Second thing is to GO GET LAID. I can't stress this enough! Getting some strange is the first step to regaining your mojo. Depending where you are in the grieving process approaching women, dating, and spinning plates may be far beyond your capabilities. If you are not ready for all the effort it takes then hire an escort. Do whatever it takes to get laid, it helps a TON.

Lastly, you start dating again. Spin plates. Make women qualify themselves to you. Hold on to the fact that YOU ARE THE PRIZE. It may not seem like it now, but you went through borderland hell for a reason, it has made you a better man. Better able to handle women, better able to keep frame, better able to keep yourself happy and share your best qualities with a woman that deserves a man like you.

 

[DJinBlue]

You know, there was a period in the final year of the relationship I was about fed up and I hooked up with two other girls in about a month. Ironically she seemed intuitive to this and was responsive as ever. So I do subscibe to getting attention from other women is the antivenom but I can't imagine hiring an escort would be the same. There's no bond, she used you solely for her benefit likr the BPD did. You cant negotiate genuine desire. No chase, no challenge.

Its a month and a half now. Her personal best prior was 2 weeks. I can't help but wonder if panic is settling in. It stands to reason that the dumped very slowly improve by day, the dumper often lives the opposite and by 6 months the script will have flipped. Or maybe I'm just rationalizing again