Spent the night with girl without having sex - best way to proceed

[Epimanes]

You are wrong. You speak from your end point of view, what you believe it is correct, however, not from the standing point of view of her. Give women what they want when they want it not before, later, or when you want. He just show he is some nice guy, who loves to waste time and not take advantage of oportunities. Women dont understand men values. "Self restraint... and self respect" have other meanings to them.

Hmm.. I am wrong huh? I don't think so.

I believe the situation was completely situational... and OP showing the restraint and just enjoying what was going on at the time and did exactly what the energy in the moment told him to do and what she was comfortable with. Not everything has to be sexual. If she really wanted sex she woulda progressed things herself in the heat of the moment.

OP .... don't overthink with your D!ck .... you did good. Talk to her... ask her how she felt that night and go from there. You did nothing wrong... and maybe next time she's more comfortable.

Epi

 

[BillyPilgrim]

Hmm.. I am wrong huh? I don't think so.

I believe the situation was completely situational... and OP showing the restraint and just enjoying what was going on at the time and did exactly what the energy in the moment told him to do and what she was comfortable with. Not everything has to be sexual. If she really wanted sex she woulda progressed things herself in the heat of the moment.

OP .... don't overthink with your D!ck .... you did good. Talk to her... ask her how she felt that night and go from there. You did nothing wrong... and maybe next time she's more comfortable.

Epi

Well, part of the situation as the OP described is that the girl has only one girl friend and no social circle. Meaning she currently has a shortage of friends. I'm not saying the has no sexual attraction to him, but....

I'm thinking the girl might be wanting to use the OP for multiple purposes - friendship and also potential sex. Unless OP is looking to fill a lack of social interaction/loneliness voice, this could very well just be a bad match. Unless the OP follows the advice, pulls back and reframes. And even then she can circle back, but there is the precedent of "lack of sex" established.

 

[Epimanes]

Also @Suave88 I just wanted to point out that consent can be withdrawn at ANY time....

No way I'd be saying sh!t like "she's basicly begging to be Fvcked" .... clearly she wasn't or likely she woulda grabbed his D!ck and made CLEAR signals she wanted it...

You might Wana rethink some of the things your encouraging.

Now that said... women should make my d!ck hard and not my life... but that's established AFTER you agree to a relationship going forward and CLEAR communication... if you can't have good clear communication with your partner... you should probably keep it in your pants to be safe. Especially in today's world.

Epi.

 

[Epimanes]

Also.... the Johnny depp thing is not gunna give men a free pass.... get that outa your heads.

 

[Dash Riprock]

Unfortunately for OP, she may never see him the same way again.

There’s a chance she'll hang out with him again but if she was ok with him sleeping over in the same bed, she was (very) probably ok with him having sex with her. There are easy and effective ways to make sure she’s ok with your pursuits especially in this era of all things PC and #metoo. I'm not going to get into all the details.

When a man has sex with a woman, and it doesn't take much, she releases oxytocin which is a bonding chemical and hormone. Yes, kissing and cuddling can release some, but having sex with her releases a lot more and getting her to orgasm is like putting rocket fuel in the tank. It has to do with women wanting to breed with the dominant male of the herd or pack because it will increase the chances of survival and success for her offspring--plainly said. This programming is buried deep in her DNA just like a man's need to "reproduce" with every hot girl he sees his buried in his.

OP, next time just go for it. Don’t be overly eager Speed Racer like most guys but be James Bond about it. And don't talk yourself out of what could be a very fun time. Carry some 20mg tablets of Sildenafil (Viagra) with you and pop one if a new partner wigs you out like it does with some guys or if alcohol will inhibit your wood. It's all pretty common.

Good luck.
~Dash

 

[Gamisch]

Also @Suave88 I just wanted to point out that consent can be withdrawn at ANY time....

No way I'd be saying sh!t like "she's basicly begging to be Fvcked" .... clearly she wasn't or likely she woulda grabbed his D!ck and made CLEAR signals she wanted it...

You might Wana rethink some of the things your encouraging.

Now that said... women should make my d!ck hard and not my life... but that's established AFTER you agree to a relationship going forward and CLEAR communication... if you can't have good clear communication with your partner... you should probably keep it in your pants to be safe. Especially in today's world.

Epi.

This is what makes the forum interesting. There are always general principles, but yet each situation might be unique due nuances, just like this case. I bet all men here been in this situation multiple times. Hell, my notch count would be twice as high if I didn't b!toch out on countless opportunities like OP described.

Like @BadBoy89 mentioned, she did everything and more to make it clear that sex was a valid option. Now if OP would just shrug it off bc HE was the one aint feeling it...buf its the opposite. Op worries he blew his chances with this woman and he rightfully believes that.

I do agree that consent can be withdrawn at any moment, even during intercourse. But that's not the same as simply not escalating as a man .

Mandatory:

This is NOT how it (always) works. Edit: would be uber alpha if OP didn't smash bc of all the red flags. Old meeting ,taking you home ect . I could be worried bout STDs and shyt. But then he should have had the willpower to Uber himself home. He did not so he is on the losing side of this encounter. Nothing wrong with that bc we all been there (and maybe will be in the future).

 

[Suave88]

Also @Suave88 I just wanted to point out that consent can be withdrawn at ANY time....

No way I'd be saying sh!t like "she's basicly begging to be Fvcked" .... clearly she wasn't or likely she woulda grabbed his D!ck and made CLEAR signals she wanted it...

You might Wana rethink some of the things your encouraging.

Now that said... women should make my d!ck hard and not my life... but that's established AFTER you agree to a relationship going forward and CLEAR communication... if you can't have good clear communication with your partner... you should probably keep it in your pants to be safe. Especially in today's world.

Epi.

It seems to me you are just a shy one who come here to find yourself and evolve and become a grown up. I have news for you. You are not going to learn here anything until you start failing in the real world. You can listen to the many different points of views in here, but I speak from my experience. Based on my experience I can tell you that you are not going to over come fear until you try and try and fail and fail, before you finally rise. Any way, in my experience, none has withdraw or given consent. Things go with the flow and naturally happens.

 

[Epimanes]

It seems to me you are just a shy one who come here to find yourself and evolve and become a grown up. I have news for you. You are not going to learn here anything until you start failing in the real world. You can listen to the many different points of views in here, but I speak from my experience. Based on my experience I can tell you that you are not going to over come fear until you try and try and fail and fail, before you finally rise. Any way, in my experience, none has withdraw or given consent. Things go with the flow and naturally happens.

Lol ... whatever man.. you have no idea..... I have a woman that makes my d!ck hard and not my life.. i have puzzy on tap and shes bi too so im sure you can imagine where thats leading for me once in a while .. so I'm good thanks.

I don't need to sleep with copious amount of women.. life isnt about notch count... not only that but I'm also 44...

No fear here man... I'm just not in the market to read women's minds and coherse them into **** they don't Wana do.... but hey.. you do you man.

My woman has given clear communication to do what i want.. when i want... and frankly she is hornier than i am most of the time. When she wants sex... i get CLEAR signals... no mistake.. no mind reading. It's perfect.

Epi

 

[BadBoy89]

He f*cked up. We all see that. He didn't finish the race cause he made up some internal mental excuse as his insecurities cropped up from anxiety and nervousness.

I know, saying if the reason given was “I was too scared to have sex” ‘I couldn’t perform to have sex”, “I didn’t have protection” or “I was out of shape”, it would be more realistic. But to suddenly say “I was suddenly focused on my career and making millions“ when he spends hours with this woman and she allegedly wants to have sex in her own home after 2 hours of meeting him, it’s like he is using Sosuave’s advise against it.

Plus, Im all for feminism and everything, but what woman invites a guy she just met online back to her place to be alone one on one with him after drinking heavily at 2 bars? Just *a little* hard to believe.

 

[HaleyBaron]

I know, saying if the reason given was “I was too scared to have sex” ‘I couldn’t perform to have sex”, “I didn’t have protection” or “I was out of shape”, it would be more realistic. But to suddenly say “I was suddenly focused on my career and making millions“ when he spends hours with this woman and she allegedly wants to have sex in her own home after 2 hours of meeting him, it’s like he is using Sosuave’s advise against it.

Plus, Im all for feminism and everything, but what woman invites a guy she just met online back to her place to be alone one on one with him after drinking heavily at 2 bars? Just *a little* hard to believe.

I know well he was not thinking about his career. I said the same excuse myself back in the day. He is lying to himself to not accept that he bitched out. We all been there and done that. If he had just been more forward about it, none of us would be calling it out for what it is. He needs to admit that he was scared and we can work it out from there.

 

[IKO69]

Also @Suave88 I just wanted to point out that consent can be withdrawn at ANY time....

No way I'd be saying sh!t like "she's basicly begging to be Fvcked" .... clearly she wasn't or likely she woulda grabbed his D!ck and made CLEAR signals she wanted it...

You might Wana rethink some of the things your encouraging.

Now that said... women should make my d!ck hard and not my life... but that's established AFTER you agree to a relationship going forward and CLEAR communication... if you can't have good clear communication with your partner... you should probably keep it in your pants to be safe. Especially in today's world.

Epi.

I don't have to rethink anything, don't be dishonest. Literally everyone knows her intention was to have sex - Ray Charles could've seen that from outer space. Do you think she just allowed herself to be alone with him in her apartment, in her bed mind you, so they could hold hands? Maybe have a pillow fight? NO woman is going to allow herself to be put into that situation that isn't open to having sex - it's up to the guy to take lead sure, but on the woman's side this is basically as good as it gets, literally big neon flashing lights obvious. As I said only in pornos do women invite the guy over and literally take his **** out from his pants and go to work on him. Most women are not going to be aggressive like this in real life, even when they are interested, which is why thinking she should've done more than she already had is silly - what more do you expect out of her? These aren't two people that have been going steady or were fwb's - these are strangers, which means despite her obvious interest it is still awkward and nerve wracking for her. Again, this is why the burden is on the guy - the guy has to make things happen.

Now I know what I am talking about because I have also been in the OP's position, more than once. I didn't just pull what I said out of my ass I'm speaking from experience. Back when I was green I committed the same exact mistakes. I have literally been with a girl on her bed and just talked and after some time saw myself out because I didn't think she was 'obvious enough' (this scenario fits this thread). I have also been in the position where I took it further, made out but left without going all the way. It's very easy to do - your gut tells you are in but then your reasoning mind convinces you otherwise for whatever reason be it doubt, low self esteem etc. Essentially you bottle it which is what I suspect basically happened in the OP's situation.

You know what happened in a lot of these cases (not all, but quite a number of) where I felt I was in but failed to act? It became obvious I was the one that ****ed up because the woman did not talk to me anymore or if we did she actually resented me and we basically talked less and less until we eventually just stopped. I don't think I am a unique case and i'm willing to bet other guys will attest to this having shared the exact same experience.

I'm actually very curious now to see what the aftermath will be and her behavior will basically tell all.

Last thing -

All this nonsense I read about some girls *only* wanting to cuddle is laughable. Even if that were so we are talking about the exception not the rule, but it doesn't even matter because at no point did she ever tell the OP to pump the brakes or to stop. He already admitted he screwed up on his end by not escalating.

 

[Stuffnu]

Cuddling and playing big/little spoon is something you do with a GF!!

If a girl invites me to her room, then it’s on - no question. Exploration while reading her body language will tell you everything you need to know on how far to pursue.

If you believe in chivalry, you can always say “let’s save that for later” and wrap up the date. However, you met on an OLD and the risk she’ll find someone else is extremely high. You don’t have the rapport from a first date.

I would wait a week or so to reach out again. If you haven’t heard from her by then, the train has likely left the station.

OP, next time always take the shot while the iron is hot!

 

[IKO69]

Cuddling and playing big/little spoon is something you do with a GF!!

If a girl invites me to her room, then it’s on - no question. Exploration while reading her body language will tell you everything you need to know on how far to pursue.

If you believe in chivalry, you can always say “let’s save that for later” and wrap up the date. However, you met on an OLD and the risk she’ll find someone else is extremely high as you don’t have the rapport yet from a first date.

I would wait a week or so to reach out again. If you haven’t heard from her by then, I think the train has left the station.

OP, next time always take the shot while the iron is hot!

Hey Stuffnu, this is another point I saw brought up. Some people were saying something to the effect of that it is good to be gentleman - sure I agree. A man should conduct himself as one especially when they are in someone's home. Not talking strictly about the opposite sex here, but i'm sure everyone has either invited someone into their place or has witnessed in someone's else home when a guest acts like a complete ****ing fool and is a total embarrassment. It is so disrespectful and one of my biggest pet peeve's but not something that is applicable in this case i'd say. I think when a woman invites you to her place, especially a stranger, the writing is pretty much on the wall. If a guy is not feeling it or completely willing, he should decline and not put himself in that position as some of the other posters have suggested. If you just want to be on friendly terms go get ice cream and go to the park or something.

 

[coyote_astro]

I know, saying if the reason given was “I was too scared to have sex” ‘I couldn’t perform to have sex”, “I didn’t have protection” or “I was out of shape”, it would be more realistic. But to suddenly say “I was suddenly focused on my career and making millions“ when he spends hours with this woman and she allegedly wants to have sex in her own home after 2 hours of meeting him, it’s like he is using Sosuave’s advise against it.

Plus, Im all for feminism and everything, but what woman invites a guy she just met online back to her place to be alone one on one with him after drinking heavily at 2 bars? Just *a little* hard to believe.

Dude, you seem to have totally misread everything I've written on this thread. I've started it with the admission of having failed to escalate because I've been 'out of it' for many months.
The fact that I've been focused on my career in the past year was mentioned as a reason why I've been on a dry spell, which in turn led me to lack momentum and confidence, which in turn led to the failure of closing on this particular girl.

Nowhere above did I say 'I failed to close on Saturday night because I was busy on my career'. What I did mean was that having been too focused on my career for quite a long time contributed to a sustained dry spell, the results of it (in terms of confidence etc) manifested during the encounter with that girl. I really don't understand what's so complicated.
Also quite funny that you find being 'out of shape' a more legitimate reason than lacking momentum in ones dating life, but that's the least inaccurate thing you've mentioned.

 

[coyote_astro]

I know well he was not thinking about his career. I said the same excuse myself back in the day. He is lying to himself to not accept that he bitched out. We all been there and done that. If he had just been more forward about it, none of us would be calling it out for what it is. He needs to admit that he was scared and we can work it out from there.

I've been pretty clear about it. See my response to the other guy so that I don't write it twice.

 

[coyote_astro]

Cuddling and playing big/little spoon is something you do with a GF!!

If a girl invites me to her room, then it’s on - no question. Exploration while reading her body language will tell you everything you need to know on how far to pursue.

If you believe in chivalry, you can always say “let’s save that for later” and wrap up the date. However, you met on an OLD and the risk she’ll find someone else is extremely high. You don’t have the rapport from a first date.

I would wait a week or so to reach out again. If you haven’t heard from her by then, the train has likely left the station.

OP, next time always take the shot while the iron is hot!

I'm afraid you are right about all these, especially the OLD angle of the whole thing. I'm sure she's already talking to other dudes from there. Nothing else I can do about it, other than take the lessons.

Also thanks for the on-point actionable advice, much appreciated! Let's see if I'm lucky enough to get a second chance.

 

[HaleyBaron]

I've been pretty clear about it. See my response to the other guy so that I don't write it twice.

I read it. It's the same thing. You now are saying "I was on a dry spell so I wasnt horny." Bs. Anyone on a dry spell is ****ing the first thing they get a chance to. Either you were addicted to porn to hold you over or you got anxious when the going got tough. You pussied out. You gotta accept that's what happened. We aren't idiots. We telling you this so you can not do the same sh*t next time. Just admit you bombed it so you can improve next time. Stop frolicking around the bush. It's okay to take an L here. We'll laugh about it and tell you what to do next time. You're not the only one who has come to this forum with that story and will not be the last.

 

[Jake_Gyllenhaal69]

I read it. It's the same thing. You now are saying "I was on a dry spell so I wasnt horny." Bs. Anyone on a dry spell is ****ing the first thing they get a chance to. Either you were addicted to porn to hold you over or you got anxious when the going got tough. You pussied out. You gotta accept that's what happened. We aren't idiots. We telling you this so you can not do the same sh*t next time. Just admit you bombed it so you can improve next time. Stop frolicking around the bush. It's okay to take an L here. We'll laugh about it and tell you what to do next time. You're not the only one who has come to this forum with that story and will not be the last.

quit picking on op because he didn’t fulfill your fantasy lol

 

[BillyPilgrim]

Lol, I already advised him to disregard it.

But what about MEN like @Gamisch and @Modern Man Advice who oppose your view and align with mine?

Should he disregard their opinions and experiences as well? Both are quite successful with women.

Do you honestly believe your opinion and experience is the be-all-end all, and that it's some sort of gospel that men should live and breathe by?

If so, fabulous! I admire your confidence. Why not write a book, you could be the next Tomassi or Roosch, your talents are being wasted if SS is your only source to preach your ever-so-valuable insights into female behavior.

He'll be writing his after you write yours

 

[coyote_astro]

I read it. It's the same thing. You now are saying "I was on a dry spell so I wasnt horny." Bs. Anyone on a dry spell is ****ing the first thing they get a chance to. Either you were addicted to porn to hold you over or you got anxious when the going got tough. You pussied out. You gotta accept that's what happened. We aren't idiots. We telling you this so you can not do the same sh*t next time. Just admit you bombed it so you can improve next time. Stop frolicking around the bush. It's okay to take an L here. We'll laugh about it and tell you what to do next time. You're not the only one who has come to this forum with that story and will not be the last.

Then read it again, because that's not what I said either. What I said is more like 'I was on a dry spell despite being horny".
And you may laugh about it as much as you want, that might actually force me to be avoid a similar outcome next time. I never ran away from the fact that this was an L.