Some Questions

[Purple-Haze]

Hello gents (and ladies) of SS!

So I've been checking this place out for a few days now and have learned some very interesting things about male-female relationships.

Now I have a few questions of my own (pertaining to a certain someone in my life). Usually I'm pretty decent at "reading" someone - some would even say that I'm quite perceptive. But when it comes to him, I'm at a total loss...I just can't seem to figure him out. This is where you fine folk come in...

He's quite confident and rarely lets things faze him. Now normally I would find this incredibly attractive about a man (and to a great extent, this is why I'm drawn to him so)...BUT it does get a little unnerving at times. I mean, what's a girl gotta do to get a reaction out of him?

We have had a very tumultuous R. We've been together for over a year and have had our share of drama. If he were here, he'd tell you that I'm the cause of 99% of the drama (which, maybe is partly true).

When I was with my ex, I could say and do things to get a reaction out him. My bf isn't like this. He let's things "roll" and calls me out on a lot of my "negative" behaviour...this is good I think (it has helped me become more self-aware and I have tried to make some solid changes in my behaviour).

Rather than go on and on...let me begin by giving you an example of something that slightly bothers me. I like it when a man is dominant, when he is territorial (to an extent). My bf is not. Earlier tonight, we had a conversation. I informed him of something a male friend of mine told me. I'll paraphrase the conversation (this was via phone). I had already broached the topic with him a night or two ago (that my friend expressed interest). But a following conversation with this friend revealed bolder statements on his part (which is what I relayed to my bf tonight).

ME: So D told me he wants to fu@k me. He said he didn't care that I had a bf and he thinks monogamy is a farce.
HIM: Alright.
ME: What do you think about that? How does that make you feel?
HIM: What's there to think or feel? He said what he did and that's that. It's not like anything will come of it.
ME: So you aren't annoyed in the least?
HIM: No, not really. Why should I be?
ME: It's just he was so blatant and arrogant about it. He doesn't respect our R. You don't think it's offensive?
HIM: No. If you wanted to fu@k him, then we'd have to deal with it. If that's not the case, there is no problem.
ME: So do you want me to stop talking to him?
HIM: Do you want to stop talking to him? If so, that is your prerogative, either way.
ME: Ugh. Alright.

Now I know some of you will come down on me for trying to get a rise out of him by bringing up another guy. That was not my intention. I just wanted to tell him what was up...and to see how he felt about the situation (and yes, to also subtly remind him that other men find me attractive).

Alright, let me get to the point. What do you make of his reaction? Do you think I'm being silly in expecting him to react differently? Is it wrong for me to want my bf to be a bit possessive? Or am I totally crazy?

There's obviously much more to this R, but this is something that is currently on my mind.

I welcome your thoughts!

 

[KontrollerX]

Here is all you need to know.

He is with you which means he wants you.

You don't need to play these little games trying to seek validation of his love and care for you covertly.

Rather say you love him openly and if he says it back great.

If he doesn't and you value yourself a lot and want a guy to say he loves you then leave him.

He is not the man for you if you begin open communication to get the love that you need and he then does not respond.

Men want open and honest communication not little fishing for love compliments games.

 

[Purple-Haze]

Hey Kontroller. Thanks for responding.


He is with you which means he wants you.

You don't need to play these little games trying to seek validation of his love and care for you covertly.

Rather say you love him openly and if he says it back great.


He tells me he loves me (when we hang up the phone, when he sees me, etc). So it's not that I doubt his love for me. I guess I question the intensity of his love for me. The force and passion with which he loves...does this make sense?


If he doesn't and you value yourself a lot and want a guy to say he loves you then leave him.

He is not the man for you if you begin open communication to get the love that you need and he then does not respond.

Men want open and honest communication not little fishing for love compliments games.

I know he does love me...but he can be aloof and nonchalant sometimes...to a point that it "bothers" me.

And just for the record, I was not fishing for compliments in this particular instance.

 

[KontrollerX]

Alright fair enough.

I can see what you are getting at.

We all want to know we are desired by our partner greatly.

The least I can tell you is as long as he is with you that means he finds you valueable to his life and probably loves you.

However if you'd like a bit more from him love and desire wise you're going to have to tell him directly in some kind of polite way you can come up with that won't seem insulting to him.

That or maybe you can judge it in a different way by me asking you a few questions...

Does he seem to enjoy hugging you as in is it a passionate kind of hug or what not?

When he kisses you do you feel on top of the world and do you feel he is into it and you when he does it?

Stuff like this can tell the tale with no games playing at all required.

We men tend to show our feelings with our actions.

Men are not mind readers remember so you can ask him directly if he could somehow show you more love or consider the questions that I have asked you.

 

[Purple-Haze]

Thanks again Kontroller for responding!

I can see what you are getting at.

We all want to know we are desired by our partner greatly.

The least I can tell you is as long as he is with you that means he finds you valueable to his life and probably loves you.

However if you'd like a bit more from him love and desire wise you're going to have to tell him directly in some kind of polite way you can come up with that won't seem insulting to him.


Yes, I WANT to know he desires me. I've told him that I wish he'd communicate more with me. This is a sore spot in our R. I'm a big talker and he's a big doer. He likes to move on from things fairly quickly whereas I like to delve into the heart of the matter. Again, he'll tell you that I have trouble moving on from a particular topic and he is sometimes weary of even discussing something with me b/c he frets the inevitable lengthy discussion that will ensue.

That or maybe you can judge it in a different way by me asking you a few questions...

Does he seem to enjoy hugging you as in is it a passionate kind of hug or what not?


Yes. He loves hugging me. In fact, he is not a big hugger but with me he seems to enjoy it quite a bit. He's much more tender when he hugs me.

When he kisses you do you feel on top of the world and do you feel he is into it and you when he does it?


Yes! I know that he's told me that I've literally taken his breath away when we've kissed. He's an amazing kisser...I'm usually in some kind of a dizzying spell when we lock lips.

Stuff like this can tell the tale with no games playing at all required.

We men tend to show our feelings with our actions.

Men are not mind readers remember so you can ask him directly if he could somehow show you more love or consider the questions that I have asked you.

As I said, I've done the talking bit with him. It hasn't really helped much. That's why I'm trying to "figure him out" (whatever that means).

 

[ketostix]

What you did was sh!t test him basically. He passed the test by not giving you the reaction that you were trying to bait him into giving.

 

[Purple-Haze]

What you did was sh!t test him basically. He passed the test by not giving you the reaction that you were trying to bait him into giving.

So I was testing him, to see if he'd get possessive or jealous? What makes you say he "passed"?

 

[Nighthawk]

You mistakenly believe love is tested by jealousy. He knows your games, so isn't going to take the bait.

HOWEVER if someone I knew told my girlfriend they wanted to fuck her I might feel like setting him straight about what's appropriate and what might result in some trouble. But if I knew it was your method of getting an emotional reaction out of me I would mistrust your version of events.

 

[Purple-Haze]

You mistakenly believe love is tested by jealousy. He knows your games, so isn't going to take the bait.

HOWEVER if someone I knew told my girlfriend they wanted to fuck her I might feel like setting him straight about what's appropriate and what might result in some trouble. But if I knew it was your method of getting an emotional reaction out of me I would mistrust your version of events.

If he got jealous, that would have been a turn off. I suppose I wanted him to say something along the lines of, "you're mine." What can I say, I like a little caveman in my SO.

As for setting this friend straight... He lives in a different city and is bisexual (although he refers to himself as "gay"). My bf found the entire thing comical and a bit "weird" (that was the word he used when I first told him that my friend was interested).

As for him doubting my version... He knows me well enough to know that I like to relay as accurately as possible the events I speak of (to a fault probably).

I don't want him to start spewing out profanity and wanting to kill the guy. I just wanted a little...err...validation that I was his and belong only to him.

 

[Nighthawk]

Sure. But perhaps if he'd jumped through your little hoop you would have thought differently.

You may relay information accurately, but if you cause 99% of the drama in your relationship, that hurts trust one way or another.

 

[Purple-Haze]

Sure. But perhaps if he'd jumped through your little hoop you would have thought differently.

You may relay information accurately, but if you cause 99% of the drama in your relationship, that hurts trust one way or another.

Oh no, our drama had more to do with me "adjusting" to his ways. As I said, he's much different than my ex was. So I had to learn his ways quickly. My ex is the kind of guy who responded a certain way...for example, in this situation he would've gotten angry and probably wanted to kick my friend's a$$.

My bf knows that I gain nothing by lying or embellishing. So this is not a matter of, "yah right...sure there buddy"...he knows I speak the truth.

 

[Nighthawk]

So are you going to keep in contact with this internet guy?

 

[Purple-Haze]

So are you going to keep in contact with this internet guy?

He's not "just" an internet guy. He is a friend (though we don't live in the same city).

I told him that I have no interest in pursuing any sort of FWB relationship with him. When I said this, he told me that I would eventually breakdown and "submit" to him.

Today he told me that he's "over it" and doesn't see me "that way" anymore - that is was a fleeting fancy.

So if he never brings it up again, yes. Mind you, if my bf were to ask me to stop speaking to him, I would.

Why do you ask if I am going to continue speaking to him? Please don't tell me you think this is, what you guys call, attention wh0re behaviour.

 

[Nighthawk]

I'm curious as to whether you would be happy if your boyfriend was in contact with a girl who said a similar thing. Not accusing you of being an AW so much, these things happen.

 

[Purple-Haze]

I'm curious as to whether you would be happy if your boyfriend was in contact with a girl who said a similar thing. Not accusing you of being an AW so much, these things happen.

TBH, I would be flattered. I could care less if women wanted to "fu@k" him. Correction, I would care (but in a good way). It would validate me and make me feel like I have a worthy partner (perhaps a tad immature...).

Now if he were to develop feelings for her or think she was "hot" or find her attractive...well then I'd express my "disapproval" of their relationship. But if it's one-sided, I'd just have a giggle.

Of course, I would be annoyed that she told him that she didn't care that he had a gf and that she knew she could get into his pants one day. That would irk me some.

 

[Purple-Haze]

You are playing a dangerous game with him hon

You are baiting him for a reaction, but say he gave you a reaction you did not like? Say he had gone mad and called you a slut for talking to this guy who wants to fk you? Say he had insisted on this guys number or email address? what would you have done?


I knew even before approaching him that he would not react like that. He is quite calm and something like this wouldn't ruffle his feathers.

You are obviously used to this type of relationship and it is what makes you feel secure BUT you should feel more secure that you are with a very mature guy who is not into playing games and playing the cat and mouse games that you are used to.

Jealousy is not a defination of love babe, trust is! He seems to trust you and you seem to not think that is good enough,you need to work on this or you will end up losing what seems like a good guy! They are hard to find so dont screw it up by trying to make him jealous.

My ex wasn't the psycho type either (he just wouldn't stand for a guy saying that to me knowing I had a bf - he was fine with guys hitting on me...but once they knew I had a bf, he expected them to backoff).

I understand that my bf is "mature" and "with it"...but it does bother me that he doesn't flinch. But then again, I don't know how I'd feel if he got weird and needy...if he told me he was "worried".

He definitely trusts me (he's had no reason to question my fidelity to him). I am not trying to make him jealous Lish...it's more about him declaring his "you're mine" speech. Bah. I know that sounds a bit fu@cked up...seeing as how I b1tch about guys like that...

This particular incident is part of a larger problem: me getting antsy and trying to get him to communicate and him retreating and staying chill. Does that make sense?

 

[KarmaSutra]

Mental Monopoly is a game where everyone loses. There's an underlying sobriety within every relationship which dictates when you become bored, out comes the silliness.

You threw out your line, he batted it around for a minute, then said: fvck it.

You have a man who knows what he wants, makes no apologies for himself or his decisions and who does not internalize what YOU think is important.

He's also viscerally sharp. He knows he has to keep his emotions in check. No matter what.

Haze, I know you were testing him out of boredom or curiousity but are you trying to push him away? By mentioning to him another man wants to sleep with you what you've done is inadvertantly planted a seed in his mind that another piece of pvssy may not be a bad idea.

Men are truly still primal at our deepest core. When you insinuate that you have another source of sperm to clutter up your butter gutter, it sends a message throughout our nervous system that you aren't worth our dedication.

May want to reconsider, next time you get bored, to instead challenge him in a game of chess instead of giving him reason to go out for cigarettes, only to return 8 hours later with that musky smell of feminine appreciation still glazing his face.

 

[MacAvoy]

Everyone's reply is focussing on Purple's negative games. However when looking at her b/f's response to her questions, its perfect. Its exactly what we preach here in DJ training.

He couldn't have done it any better. Thats why its eating her up and got her thinking about him all the time. Its increasing her IL in him as we speak.

 

[Purple-Haze]

Mental Monopoly is a game where everyone loses. There's an underlying sobriety within every relationship which dictates when you become bored, out comes the silliness.

You may have to explain this to me. What exactly do you mean by a "mental monopoly"? You think I brought this up because I was bored and wanted to stir it up some?

You threw out your line, he batted it around for a minute, then said: fvck it.

You have a man who knows what he wants, makes no apologies for himself or his decisions and who does not internalize what YOU think is important.

He's also viscerally sharp. He knows he has to keep his emotions in check. No matter what.

This is precisely why I have a love-hate R with him sometimes. I find these traits to be incredibly alluring...like a freakin' drug. On the other hand, they do get to me at times. Sort of a catch-22.

Haze, I know you were testing him out of boredom or curiousity but are you trying to push him away? By mentioning to him another man wants to sleep with you what you've done is inadvertantly planted a seed in his mind that another piece of pvssy may not be a bad idea.

Far from it. I'm trying to draw him in closer. I want a deeper level of intimacy...something which comes and goes with him. Sometimes he's incredibly tender and romantic, other times, he is aloof and mellow. This drives me insane.

Sometimes I wonder if this is the reason I haven't gotten bored of him.

I know he has wondered at times whether life with another woman would be "simpler" - less drama and less questions. I dunno...

Men are truly still primal at our deepest core. When you insinuate that you have another source of sperm to clutter up your butter gutter, it sends a message throughout our nervous system that you aren't worth our dedication.

May want to reconsider, next time you get bored, to instead challenge him in a game of chess instead of giving him reason to go out for cigarettes, only to return 8 hours later with that musky smell of feminine appreciation still glazing his face.

I would challenge him...but we're currently apart from each other. I will see him in 3 weeks though. Maybe then I'll challenge him.

 

[Purple-Haze]

Everyone's reply is focussing on Purple's negative games. However when looking at her b/f's response to her questions, its perfect. Its exactly what we preach here in DJ training.

He couldn't have done it any better. Thats why its eating her up and got her thinking about him all the time. Its increasing her IL in him as we speak.

What makes you think it's "eating [me] up"?

Playing it cool doesn't always work you know.

Something tells me my bf would agree with you. Men. Beh.