Solutions for 7 year LTR with 2 kids on the rocks - she doesn't know how she feels about me

[BackInTheGame78]

OP you're in a predicament. One thing that jumps out from your post:

She can't process this now and says she will probably feel the same way when she does decide to process it, as in she doesn't think the 2 of you are going to work out.

I know that if I'm hungry, and have the means, I'll go somewhere else to eat if I can't get it at home anymore. I don't need to wait on someone else to decide if I'm going to starve to death.

Point being, you can't control how she feels and it's not fair to you to wait around to find out what SHE decides. At the end of the day you're responsible for your life, not her.

So I think that YOU should go ahead and make the decision for her. Tell her since she doesn't know if she wants to be married to you and she doesn't feel like she can process it now (which is totally unfair to you), you are making the decision to start the split NOW.

If you hang around for her to finally end things, you'll drive yourself crazy, waste months of your life all to probably hear the same shyte from her as she drags it on longer. Or she dumps you.

It's no way to live, kids or not. I'd simply tell her if this marriage isn't more important to discuss than the other things going on in her life, call it quits. I mean seriously......what else would take precedent over your marriage?

It sounds to me like she wants a few months to test the waters and see if she gets attention from others so she can either monkey branch or run back to you when she gets fvcked and tossed.

Either way, even if you guys talk and settle on working things out, you both either work hard to make it work or this issue and her attitude will resurface later on down the road.

Don't sit around waiting on her to decide what's best for the both of you. You'll be sorry that you did.

OP isn't married, he said he was going to propose but said that it off the table for now.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Thanks for the response and appreciate the recommendations, what sort of red flags should I be looking out for? I guess the issue I am having at the moment is she doesn't want to do the talking or address anything at this point which is leading to my impatience!

I think if I suggested dance lessons I'd be laughed out of the room, but I get your point about an activity that we can do together and improve on as we do it. Struggling with it at this point because as I said she's sort of pulled away and forcing this stuff at the moment isn't going to go down well.

And again I get the point about not throwing in the towel, at least owe that to the kids.

I guess my last question is around affection - it's taken a real beating over the last few weeks, do I keep it up in the hope it kickstarts something or do I have to retreat on it and bide my time till she comes to me?

Your relationship has become boring, stale and predictable which is what has gotten you to this point.

Trust me, you may think you'd be laughed out of the room but to her it would be a breath of fresh air no matter what you did AS LONG AS IT WAS SOMETHING NEW AND EXCITING. Do something, anything different to breath some new life into this if you are going to make an effort.

Sitting there doing the same thing as always will only hasten the downward spiral.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

So I understand where you are coming from, and she is fully aware of the impact on the kids (they are mine) and it's one of the things she is terrified of if this doesn't end with us together.

What I should probably have said is that she has stated her commitment to making this work and exhausting every option, which I have to take her word for, she's just asking we do it her way, which I am struggling with as I think it just makes things worse

She will "exhaust every option" which will basically just be an excuse to slowly keep pulling away while you sit there in limbo trying to stick around.

She will try to figure out a way to "feel better" about you but unless you start changing the way you are behaving or start improving on things that you have been letting slide, it can't happen because her respect level has dropped for you.

And that's the key part of this. Over a 7 year period you have made enough mistakes in terms of how you have behaved or things you have done that she has had her respect level continuously erode from where it was at the top to probably halfway right now.

So that begs the question, if you want this to change, what is your plan of action to increase her respect level for you at this point?

More importantly do you know what could have led to this occurring so you can not repeat the same blunders again?

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Trust me, you may think you'd be laughed out of the room but to her it would be a breath of fresh air no matter what you did AS LONG AS IT WAS SOMETHING NEW AND EXCITING. Do something, anything different to breath some new life into this if you are going to make an effort.

Especially if it's 'daring' like doing an activity together where you need to work together to make it work. Relationships are teamwork.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Yes, I've been there before. What worked: patience and good listening, injecting adventure into the relationship. What didn't work: avoiding/ignoring red flags hoping they would go away off their own accord; getting impatient; demands/ultimatums; quarrelling; trivialising matters.

Inject adventure. You have two small children, your romantic life is totally ****ed up by the attention siphoned away by the children. Your lives become humdrum. In order to get your dominance up and your power back, you have to organise an adventure; something you and her will both enjoy but that comes as a surprise to her.
One thing that worked in several LTRs is to take dancing lessons with her. I prefer Tango / Milonga, where the man has to lead and the woman has to follow. Many men are afraid to (learn how to) dance, because you will feel like a fool as you trip over your own feet, but she will adore you for persisting and showing your vulnerability in attempting something you haven't done before.

Relationships require more time and effort than most married couples expect and it requires mutual effort to succeed. I don't know when it's time to call it quits, but young children need both their parents so I would put more effort in than her. For several reasons, but mostly you will feel better if she's the one who throws the towel in the ring, and she will feel like **** for being the first to give up on the relationship when you still wanted to work on it. Her mental state (I failed at keeping the relationship) might make it easier getting her to agree to custody and alimony settlements.

If you love her and the kids, don't throw in the towel before she does.

That's a choice people make...and it's usually the wrong choice. "Putting the kids first".

No. You put each other first. If people actually want to put the kids interests first, they would put the relationship first so the kids have a healthy, stable, happy place to grow up.

Date nights, sex and spending time with each other does a lot more than most think for a relationship.

Kids don't need to change that, people simply allow them to because it's easier that way.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Date nights, sex and spending time with each other does a lot more than most think for a relationship.

Kids don't need to change that, people simply allow them to because it's easier that way.

Bless the Baby Sitters for they keep your sex life alive!

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Bless the Baby Sitters for they keep your sex life alive!

Just wait til they go to bed or wake up early.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Just wait til they go to bed or wake up early.

Kinky.

 

[DreamAgain]

Well objectively I think there is nothing you can do here. You can let her walk but as a single mom of 2 kids, which she will probably hide on her dates, eventually she will realize the grass is not greener and beg you to take her back.

Whether you should do this complicates things because of the kids, I guess, there were always red flags that may have been subtle earlier that you probably ignored but hey it happens to the best of us.

 

[Glassguy]

OP isn't married, he said he was going to propose but said that it off the table for now.

Even better. No divorce. Just leave

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Even better. No divorce. Just leave

Not quite that easy when they have 2 kids together.

 

[Gamisch]

Lots of great advice. I just wanna add this. First of all I'm a father too. Been here at this exact point.

Kids are NOT a reason for a woman to prolong a relationship if she ain't feeling it.

To us men they might be. If a man would make a thread saying(never happens ) " I have kids ,house together ect but its ME who wants to leave" ,everyone would probably tell him it's irresponsible to leave her with the kids and just to chase women. Women are different.

At this point you have to apply three different strategies at once;
1. As @AmsterdamAssassin said, try the rekindling game. Why wouldn't you? You have nothing to lose at this point. For all we know you MIGHT save as much as possible.

2. Meanhwile you still gotta plan your exit. Just in case...assume that most reactions unfortunately hold some truth to them.

We've all been there bro..nothing happens without a reason. Something must've triggered her to look differently at this relationship, BUT its a damned complex and tiring game trying to find out what. So you wanna view this situation AS SOBER as possible . At least THINK about an exit strategy, and imagine in detail what it looks like.

3. Keep working on yourself. At this point its not even a 50 50 situation anymore. When women say things like this she's entering the point of no return. Its even more painful when there are kids involved. Start your recovery phase now. You already started hitting the gym. Good. Now , as akward as it may be try to at least make some form of contact with other women. I don't say sleep with them, just ...run hame on them. Stay sharp ,or get sharp again.

4. I just came up with a forth reason. Assuming you're applying all of the above:

Be dead honest. Sit her down. Ask her what's going on. A heart to heart. Be ready for some perhaps painful moments. At this point imo you deserve to know the ins and outs of her motives or lack off. If she refuses to talk or anything like that, that's still an answer. Apply 2, the exit strategy. As @parabellum said , tell her you are oke with going your own way, and you just want (LEGALLY!!!!!) signed papers that allow you to always have access to your kids. (That's why I say PREPARE everything BEFORE you sit her down!! You should almost be able to leave the next day ,thats how well prepared you should be. You should already know what laws will benefit you or work against you. If you dont know call a lawyer TODAY!)

Inform asap every person/all people's you are so close to that you can stay over for some time, if necessary.

As I said it's a lot . But you can't sit back and play the waiting game anymore, there water on the deck already and if you dont act you'll drown. Don't reckon her to be "sensible " or " rational " . Its passed 50 /50 now and even if it was, you don't wanna play these maybe games with women. Never.

 

[kookdekoo]

Speaking from my own experience:
Be prepared mentally that it's over. My ex spouse put me in exactly same ( no affection, duty sex , no intimacy ) place and it was over after a couple of years for me. My life's worst years.
Make plans for a future without her. Set a mental deadline as to how long you are prepared to live in a limbo like this. Come the deadline, YOU break it up rather than waiting for her to.

 

[Bokanovsky]

Now I understand this gives me a period of time with which to get my act together, I can appreciate that the relationship has changed somewhat since it started (I was young and ****y and not really interested in her to start with), to me now being a father and in hindsight I've probably relinquished more of the 'power' than I should have. By this I mean I've been pretty easy going and let her lead on the stuff that she thinks matters, whilst putting my foot down when I think I need to. Given this news, obviously feels even more so out of control on my behalf and struggling with what I can do to bring things back under my control.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. Relationships change as time goes on. It would be completely unrealistic to expect a relationship to be as fresh and exciting after seven years as it was on day one.

I’ve always believed that the only reason to be in a really long-term relationship (i.e. 5+ years) is for the sake of the kids. That kind of a relationship is not supposed to be “fun”. The idea is to provide a stable and nurturing environment for the children. And that means putting them first. It doesn’t sound like your girlfriend is prepared to do that.

 

[Slowhandluke]

At this point you have to apply three different strategies at once;
1. As @AmsterdamAssassin said, try the rekindling game. Why wouldn't you? You have nothing to lose at this point. For all we know you MIGHT save as much as possible.

Rekindling the game? You wouldn't/shouldn't because you aren't a monkey. You are not in this relationship for just her. You are in it for the both of you. You cannot be the only one doing the heavy lilifting in a relationship. Even if you change and make her happy THIS time, what about next time? She doesn't understand it's not just about her, it's about you too. Relationships take two people to cultivate. You cannot "hold frame" forever. If she cannot understand this, you have to find someone who does.

Once you give into a crying baby, they will see how far they can take it until you inevitably break. Just human nature.

 

[Scaramouche]

Hi Giraffe,
I have seen this many times,IF there is no one else in this equation and your priority is the Kids,just hang in there,don't argue be nice.....I would guess something has happened in her life like new Divorcee friends some Guy at work making a pass,that has deeply unsettled her....For the downhill progression to move on to the next level she will need private time with these influencers,don't give it to her,with two kids she can't go out without your co-operation don't give that to her....Give her sympathy and affection,emphasise that with young kids things are not easy for either of you and you will both see it through...Know that without independant money or a branch to swing to you Society will gang rape you....Stay calm and hope for the best.

 

[Gamisch]

Rekindling the game? You wouldn't/shouldn't because you aren't a monkey. You are not in this relationship for just her. You are in it for the both of you. You cannot be the only one doing the heavy lilifting in a relationship. Even if you change and make her happy THIS time, what about next time? She doesn't understand it's not just about her, it's about you too. Relationships take two people to cultivate. You cannot "hold frame" forever. If she cannot understand this, you have to find someone who does.

Once you give into a crying baby, they will see how far they can take it until you inevitably break. Just human nature.

I agree . But yet ,some advice was to try this and I get that too. He still lives in a house with her, has kids with her ect. He cant JUST leave.

Ofcourse you are right. I know that now. When other men tell you it's over, its generally indeed over. Yet ,as was mentioned, there ARE exceptions to the rule, men who managed to turn such a situation around.

That's why I say, prepare for the exit regardless. But we shouldn't dismiss the difficulty of having kids, house bought together, moved to a different city together ect.

Again, I would demand honesty at this point.

 

[Glassguy]

Not quite that easy when they have 2 kids together.

Sure it is. And much easier than divorce

 

[Canadian_Man]

If your lives weren't as interconnected as they are, you might have instead got the "I think we need a break" line (or a break up), rather than what has happened.

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

OP:

it’s coming knowledge that once a woman makes a declaration like this. She’s already been thinking about it for six months. She’s ready to monkey branch my friend she’s telling you that she is take her for her word.

If you want to exit this with any modicum of self-respect, you need to blow up the relationship now. I know that this is easier said than done with children hanging in the balance. I’ve been exactly where you are, but I was married.

The truly is nothing you can do right now, except end the relationship- do it in a way that is respectful, confident, and clear. She will respect you for standing up for yourself - something she’s lost.

You also need to think about the relationship you have with your children after the break up presumably you want 50% custody involved and caring father. Part of your responsibility as a father is to show children how a man behaves in a relationship sitting around and being disrespected by a woman does not set a good example for boys or girls.

I ended my marriage before I had planned to, I never looked back. I am happier now than I have been most of my life. You can start again, from scratch, you can do better and show your children what a real, loving and caring relationship with a good woman looks like as a coparenting Dad.

As a single Dad you are MUCH more attractive to women that single moms are to men - that’s the true mindfnck.

If you love your beat life she will try to come back, but you should not let her. She will not learn the lesson and she will have taken a lot of random cawk in the meantime. That’s a nonstarter.

Grab your nuts, and devise a plan to get out. NOW.