So... guys... What to do when your girlfriend is starting to become unattractive?

[Brighty]

Long story short, since I know you guys have the holidays to be attending to , me and my girlfriend are both freshman in college and she has been very liberal with the "freshman 15". She once was a HB8.5, but she has been partying, drinking, and taking advantage of a multitude of delivery services and I am becoming less attracted to her. She herself even estimates that she's gained 15 pounds, but honestly I feel its more in the area of 20 or so. There was even a brief scare where she thought she was pregnant because her belly had gotten bigger. Ever since November I had tried to get her to go to a gym and work out, even went with her a few times to get her started, but she never went after that and my schedule makes it so I can't go to the gym with her often and hold her hand about it.

Honestly, part of me feels like I'm being too shallow about this, but part of me feels that I should be at least physically attracted to the girl I am in a relationship with, right? It's just not even the physical weight that's the turn-off just by itself - its not like she's hideous or anything, she is still a good looking girl - its the fact that she isn't doing anything about it, that's she's acting like a glutton, that she has this defeatist attitude about it and the problem just keeps getting worse. Even during sex, she openly admits to me that because she is so self conscious about her body that it prevents her from really being kinky and doing more kinds of exotic foreplay. And knowing that... well talk about ****ing a downer.

Before we left for Winter Break, she told me "Yeah I'm definitely gonna go work out, I was a total workout freak before college, I'm gonna be there like every day" and we've been keeping in touch and it turns out I've actually gone to the gym more times than her over break and I don't even work out. As a matter of fact, she hasn't been to the gym once, and its always a different excuse. She just has this defeatist attitude to anything that presents a challenge to her and its so unattractive and it translates into multiple facets of her life (grades, weight, health, mental attitude) and its putting a strain on the relationship for me.

Is there a way I can let her know how important this is to me? Is it even possible to approach her about this without it ending horribly? I feel like this is a total no-win situation.

Advice? Thoughts?

 

[Proselytiser]

How is this a no-win situation:

Tell her, hey you really need to start working out - we can do it together, and if you won't do it for yourself then do it for me.

A) She breaks up with you - WIN you are now single
B) She loses the weight - WIN
C) She doesn't and you break up with her - WIN you are now single

 

[Murse]

What he said ^

 

[S. Pryor]

Do you love this girl? See yourself with her for the long haul? If you don't then don't worry yourself with shit like this. You're too young to be dealing with something like this. I would say that she has you tho. Personally I think she feels like she has you so she doesn't have to anything like stay in shape. It's almost a form of disrespect. Tariq Nasheed aka King Flex talks about this on his podcast. I don't know if they'll allow plugging someone elses site like this but look him up. He talks about this and a whole host of good shit. He has like 200 shows. On a side note: WTF at her not knowing whether she was pregnant or not.

 

[Brighty]

So basically I should just dive into it and flat out tell her, "Hey, this is a concern for me, and if you won't do it for yourself at least do it for me"?

I mean, I know all scenarios are ultimately win-wins for me in the end regardless of outcome, but I'm wondering just what the most appropriate way to go about phrasing it would be.

 

[ENIGMA16]

Dude keeping up an appearance is important. When you don't care about how you look that means you don't care about how others view you, and if you don't care about that then that means you don't care about others (note that there is a difference between caring about what others think and being overly concerned with what others think).

Also, physical attractiveness is an important part of a relationship, unless it is a very long term relationship that has to deal with aging. Growing old is natural; getting fat isn't. If she can't realize that physical attraction is important then that's her problem.

She'll probably call you shallow, but if you sit her down and do it in a mature manner then that's all you can really do. If she disagrees with you then that's her problem, not yours, and you need to decide what to do about it.

EDIT:
"I'm starting to become less attracted to you physically because of the way you have been neglecting your body, and I am afraid that I will no longer be attracted to you if you continue along this path. I love you, but I can't be with someone that I don't find physically attractive; I'm not trying to insult you, but just tell it like it is. I don't want to lose you, but if you keep gaining weight I don't know if I will be able to remain in this relationship."

 

[Furyguy]

I don't think your problem is with her weight, it's with her attitude.

Different story: Let's say she starts gaining these pounds. Then she really hits the gym hard, gets on a good diet, stays dedicated, and works at it. But for some reason she just keeps gaining.

Would you feel the same way? I don't ****in think so man. You would be concerned because there's obviously something very strange happening to your girl's body and she needs to see a doctor about it, but you wouldn't be thinkin about leaving her over it.

The worst part isn't that she doesn't care, it's that she tells you she does care when her actions show she just really doesn't. I don't know man, sounds to me like she's really just taking for granted the fact that you'll always be there for her. I know it's hard to believe that a girl would do either of these things, but they do.

 

[Brighty]

I don't think your problem is with her weight, it's with her attitude.

The worst part isn't that she doesn't care, it's that she tells you she does care when her actions show she just really doesn't. I don't know man, sounds to me like she's really just taking for granted the fact that you'll always be there for her. I know it's hard to believe that a girl would do either of these things, but they do.

Yup. Im in total agreement there. It's just with her defeatist attitude that I have such a problem with. And the fact that she feels as though because she has an attractive boyfriend now she can let herself go is irksome. I'm going to confront her about it when I go visit her in a week. And I'm going to lay it out like JLay said.

 

[Proselytiser]

EDIT:
"I'm starting to become less attracted to you physically because of the way you have been neglecting your body, and I am afraid that I will no longer be attracted to you if you continue along this path. I love you, but I can't be with someone that I don't find physically attractive; I'm not trying to insult you, but just tell it like it is. I don't want to lose you, but if you keep gaining weight I don't know if I will be able to remain in this relationship."

Sometimes this idea of wrapping up all loose ends so she doesn't take it as an insult is a bad idea. With a lot of girls, when you say this, however you say it, you put them in a bad mood and the longer what you say, the more fuel on the fire, so to speak.

 

[Your_Royal_Flyness]

Hey man,

I used to be with a female who let herself go. What helped the situation was when I joined a local gym, which in some ways, motivated her to do the same thing.

At the same time though...you two are just entering college? Are you two very serious or are you now seeking other women?

 

[wjh]

Keep her on the backburner and meet other chicks (preferably at the gym). Let her continue her binging while you get ripped and meet girls AT the gym that you KNOW are going to stay fit for themselves and not just for you.

Losing weight is difficult and it takes a self-conscious desire to be fit. If the only reason she's losing weight is for you, then she'll come to resent you and it just won't work in the long run. Basically, you'll have to dump her for being a fat little cvnt, but that's OK because you want a hotter girl any way.

 

[mrRuckus]

Don't have a girlfriend in college.

 

[Scar Tissue]

lol.
break up

 

[mustfirstregister]

what about when your long time gf get old and creepy ?

what do u do ?

discuss

it's ok you will get old and creeepy too and by that time you wont be interested to bone anymore. so don't worry about it.

 

[Mr.Fantastic]

If she is aware that she should be working out and she is aware that you find her less attractive like this then she is disrespecting you BIG TIME. This is not a girl you want to stay with. What other things is she going to let slide as time goes on?

What she is basically saying by doing this is that she feels she can be a fat unattractive slob and that she doesnt need to make an effort with you. Why does she feel this? She feels this because as others have said, she thinks she has you by the balls, SHE THINKS YOU CANT ATTRACT OTHER GIRLS. If she did then she would no doubt keep in shape. She has lost her competitive edge. The fact that she thinks this about you shows that she thinks you are a pvssy, and this is not the sort of girl you want to be with. She is not making the effort to keep you, why should you make the effort to stay with her?

As others have said, i would get out there and check out other girls, make a lot of 'girl friends' and dont hide this from her - when she sees you flirting with other girls she will probably get pisssy,...but you know what?? I bet you anything she gets her ass back in the gym!


Physical attraction is the main event in a relationship - without it you simply have friendship. If you are not attracted to your girlfriend then there is no point in having her. Trust me, she gets this - all girls do. Girls bullshiit us with all this relationship and love stuff, but they are more down to earth about this than most guys are - they just think we don't know. Don't be a chump - Call her on her shiit.

 

[Brighty]

If she is aware that she should be working out and she is aware that you find her less attractive like this then she is disrespecting you BIG TIME. This is not a girl you want to stay with. What other things is she going to let slide as time goes on?

What she is basically saying by doing this is that she feels she can be a fat unattractive slob and that she doesnt need to make an effort with you. Why does she feel this? She feels this because as others have said, she thinks she has you by the balls, SHE THINKS YOU CANT ATTRACT OTHER GIRLS. If she did then she would no doubt keep in shape. She has lost her competitive edge. The fact that she thinks this about you shows that she thinks you are a pvssy, and this is not the sort of girl you want to be with. She is not making the effort to keep you, why should you make the effort to stay with her?

As others have said, i would get out there and check out other girls, make a lot of 'girl friends' and dont hide this from her - when she sees you flirting with other girls she will probably get pisssy,...but you know what?? I bet you anything she gets her ass back in the gym!


Physical attraction is the main event in a relationship - without it you simply have friendship. If you are not attracted to your girlfriend then there is no point in having her. Trust me, she gets this - all girls do. Girls bullshiit us with all this relationship and love stuff, but they are more down to earth about this than most guys are - they just think we don't know. Don't be a chump - Call her on her shiit.

I'm with you to a point on this, but I think you're assuming too much. Quite the contrary, my girl is CONSISTENTLY worried and even jealous of other attractive girls who I talk to. She is insanely jealous that I'm still friends with a girl that I've hooked up with before that I would consider more attractive than my girlfriend, even before she lost the weight and she constantly has bad dreams about me cheating on her or leaving her for another girl. She knows that I've hooked up with my fair share of girls before we started dating and she does get jealous even when other random girls are just giving me the once over. Believe me, she knows how many girls would jump all over me if I was single.

Anyway, I talked to her about this last night and it turns out its linked to some sort of depression issue or something. Whenever she has a problem, instead of confronting it and dealing with it, she just tries to forget about it and naturally it just gets worse. It's because of this that she also got bad grades for her first semester. So that's why she hasn't been going to the gym apparently, and this makes things a little more complicated.

 

[bigjohnson]

So you're essentially determined to make her problems your problems then? Because that's pretty much what you're saying. My advice, if she's already hogging out, there's no hope.

She might even straighten up for a while, in which case you could keep boning her but sooner than later she's gonna blow. Don't make promises you can't keep.

 

[Mr.Fantastic]

Thing is, when you get so deep into a relationship that you allow a girl to get fat and you understand it because of depression etc...what you are doing is setting yourself up for the long term. SUre, it shows love and commitment that are very commendable traits BUT how do you see this progressing in the future?
Are you happy with the idea of her being the only woman you sleep with for the rest of your life? Will she make a good wife? Will she produce healthy kids? Answer these questions, and then ask yourself if you are willing to see her through the problems she has now - seems like she will take quite a while to work through her depression - is she worth it in the long haul?

Only you know the answer to all this, we don't now her.

 

[sodbuster]

DON'T hang around/date/marry a depressed woman. they will only drag you down. YOu can't fix the whole world-they have to want to fix themselves. If she doesn't want to fix herself? you are only dating, wait to see how it turns out in marriage-when she can get faaaat and take half your stuff.

 

[Bobby Rio]

The best way to get a chick to lose weight is to start looking better yourself... she will start getting insecure that you're working out and looking better...and soon she'll follow the lead.

If she doesn't - then straight up tell her.

But don't neg her constantly... it doesn't work. It just makes your relationship suck.