So... guys... What to do when your girlfriend is starting to become unattractive?

[Brighty]

DON'T hang around/date/marry a depressed woman. they will only drag you down.

I dunno, that just seems like such a cold and emotionless outlook to have. Or maybe I just have a softspot for girls in distress and I'm biased. But I'm not going to lie, her depression has taken an emotional toll on me. But I feel like I can't just leave her out and dry, especially when I do care about her, you know?

 

[bigjohnson]

I dunno, that just seems like such a cold and emotionless outlook to have. Or maybe I just have a softspot for girls in distress and I'm biased. But I'm not going to lie, her depression has taken an emotional toll on me. But I feel like I can't just leave her out and dry, especially when I do care about her, you know?

Easy Capt, no need to save every ho. If she's really a nutbag, it's not gonna get better chappy.

 

[Warrior74]

http://48-laws-of-power.blogspot.com/2008/11/law-10-infection-avoid-unhappy-and.html

 

[CarlitosWay]

Damn.....I'm dealing with the same thing....my girl is gorgeous but she's letting the drinking and bad eating habits get to her! I even talked to her last night about it....I just said nicely "yeah losing weight is easy, but putting on muscle is a lot harder" lol I'm a naturally lean bastard so she was like "Yeah for you!" I gave her some tips on how to eat. She admitted her diet sucks and I hope she took my non-threatning words as a cue to do somehing about her weight!

 

[sodbuster]

You think she wouldn't leave you in a heartbeat if she had a better deal on the line? WOMEN are the heartless ones. Believe it. You are letting your inner "protector" rule you-women can use it against you. They know you have it and won't be ashamed to use it to their advantage.

I WAS married to a woman who was down all the time. She was hell to live with. When we were dating,she USED my desire not to hurt her to keep me around. Breaking up with your GF is cold,but you'll need to do it. You need to put YOURSELF first in this life. NOT everyone else to the extent YOU are unhappy[unless they are your kids].

 

[bigjohnson]

. You need to put YOURSELF first in this life. NOT everyone else to the extent YOU are unhappy[unless they are your kids].

I almost agree, but not quite. Some people ARE worth walking through fire for, they would do it for you in return. Crazy ass user GF are not the ones worth sacrificing for.

 

[drak_ool]

Your girl seems to have more issues than just her weight. The fact that she keeps talking about it, yet does nothing to solve it is a huge red flag. Btw, your weight is 70% what you eat, 15% your genes and 15% lifestyle/working out. So if she cannot control what she eats, she will never be able to take it off or (even harder) keep it off. Lack of self-control is a big no-no in my book. What happens next time she goes out to a party with her girls, she drinks too much, gets horny and a bunch of drunk frat boys try to hook up with her? scary scenario...

The fact that she put on 20 lbs is partially your fault: you should have stepped in a LONG time ago, as soon as you attraction level started plummeting, and tell her. You would have done her a favor and, putting aside her other issues, it might have saved the relationship. As it is, your relationship is pretty much doomed.

I guess the best way to handle such a situation is a sliding scale (exact numbers may vary depending on her body type and height):

2-3 pounds: if she is still active/works out and is not getting flabby just let it go, but be ready to intervene.

4-7 pounds: it's bothering you, so you start nagging her. If she presses you, you tell her in a serious tone that yes, you do think she needs to lose weight. No need to put too much pressure on her if you see that she is responding (by cleaning up her diet and starting to excercise), most girls get the hint since they are very aware of these kind of issues.

8-11 pounds: you lay down the law. You tell her in explicit terms that her weight has become an issue for you and she needs to clean up her act NOW.

12-15 pounds: ultimatum time. You make it clear to her that unless she takes active steps to correct her problem, you will break up with her because by now she is not attractive to you anymore.

over 15 pounds: Automatic NEXT. if you went through all the above steps and she keeps gaining weight, then you just have to let her go, it's not about the weight anymore, it's about her head.

Problem is, most guys don't have the balls to go through the first steps, hence they end up in the OP's situation...

 

[Proselytiser]

^ Maybe we are just different but 10 pounds an under is no issue for me, hell I don't even notice a difference, EVEN WHEN it's pointed out to me by her. Every guy I've spoken too says the same.

I think taking steps at 2-3 pounds and 4-7 pounds stage is a bit extreme, and would be surprised if you were even aware of any weight gain at that stage.

 

[Weezy]

Word of caution:

Bring up a chicks weight is a really touchy subject.

I've done it before and I never heard the end of it. Every time she had a chance she'll throw it back in your face. The will NEVER forget that you brought this up.

If you can lead by example and ask her to come to the gym with you, that is way better then the ultimatum.

Once you drop the lose weight bomb it you become a cold self-centered prick in their eyes and all her friends will chime in and agree with her.

 

[Brighty]

Your girl seems to have more issues than just her weight. The fact that she keeps talking about it, yet does nothing to solve it is a huge red flag. Btw, your weight is 70% what you eat, 15% your genes and 15% lifestyle/working out. So if she cannot control what she eats, she will never be able to take it off or (even harder) keep it off. Lack of self-control is a big no-no in my book. What happens next time she goes out to a party with her girls, she drinks too much, gets horny and a bunch of drunk frat boys try to hook up with her? scary scenario...

The fact that she put on 20 lbs is partially your fault: you should have stepped in a LONG time ago, as soon as you attraction level started plummeting, and tell her. You would have done her a favor and, putting aside her other issues, it might have saved the relationship. As it is, your relationship is pretty much doomed.

I guess the best way to handle such a situation is a sliding scale (exact numbers may vary depending on her body type and height):

In all fairness I didn't really realize she was putting on weight until she got to around the 10lbs marker, and honestly, as long as its under 10lbs I don't really mind as long as you're working out. She just kept telling me she would work out and I figured she would do something about it on her own, but she ended up getting sick for a week or two, so I gave her some time get better before going to the gym. So flash forward to where we are today.

Honestly I haven't really been in this relationship full force since halfway through November, and to be honest I've been almost nervous to break it off with her. I was waiting until the semester is over to do it, and now that it's time, I'm worried how she will take it. Like I said, she's depressed and she keeps going on and on about how I'm the best boyfriend ever, how I'm the best lay ever, etc. and while I'm not exactly happy in a relationship with her (because like you said the lack of self-control makes me unattracted to her, but it also makes me scared what she may do under the influence. She has two guy best friends, and while I've met both and both are chodes and obviously in the friend zone, she always says she gets along "better" with guys than girls and goes on about how *****y girls are, is that a red flag?) I care enough about her that I don't want to see her seriously hurt herself when this relationship ends.

 

[sodbuster]

just like YOU see her male friends are chodes-other women KNOW what she is in 5 minutes. No female friends is a red flag.

 

[Brighty]

just like YOU see her male friends are chodes-other women KNOW what she is in 5 minutes. No female friends is a red flag.

Well, she does have two female friends, both are like best friends.

 

[drak_ool]

I'm not exactly happy in a relationship with her

That's reason enough to break up with her. You are not her therapist, you are not her support system (she has friends and family for that). You owe it to yourself to be happy in a relationship. A relationship should be an added bonus to your life, not a chore. If you've already decided to break up with her, it's over. Just do it and stop worrying about the consequences, she'll be fine in the long run.

She has two guy best friends, and while I've met both and both are chodes and obviously in the friend zone

there you go, she already has not one, but 2 rebounds lined up. She'll be fine.

 

[Brighty]

Well I was on the phone with her and found out that she still hadn't worked out even though she said she was going to last night (woke up at 4, her dad was making dinner so she had to stay and eat, then she got a stomach ache and got "sick".... but apparently felt okay enough to go out with her friends later and drink and smoke?) so I brought up the weight issue. I told her that it was getting out of hand and that I felt like she was disrespecting me by letting herself go like that, basically what some of the primary points were that you guys were talking about. She flipped out, as expected, and told me that ever since I told her a week ago how important it was to me she had been trying to go work out and now that she knew how much it meant to me she would. That's bull****, I've made it clear before that I wanted her to work out.

I asked her if it ever once crossed her mind that she should lose weight to look good for me on her own initiative and she replied "Stop trying to make me feel bad". I told her that I would guarentee that she would not weigh this much if she was single and didn't have a boyfriend, and of course she argued that it wouldn't make a difference. She told me that she was just lazy and never really cared about the weight until I pointed it out, and I'm not sure what to think about that.

It's like nothing I do to this girl will make her mad or upset for very long, right after she called me back wanting to know if I was still coming down to visit her tomorrow. She then went to go call her mom to secure a car to go work out (her's is in the shop).... and whether this means that she's actually going to go this time... well we'll see.

I'm making this the ultimatum, she showed like she really was going to change and actually work on this for me after I confronted her about it on the phone, but then again she may fall through again. This'll be the decider and if she doesn't pull through I'm done with her. If this means that the relationship is pretty much over, then so be it. She's to blame.

 

[Bible_Belt]

If this means that the relationship is pretty much over, then so be it.


That is the right attitude to have.

 

[Pimp101]

She just has this defeatist attitude to anything that presents a challenge to her and its so unattractive and it translates into multiple facets of her life (grades, weight, health, mental attitude) and its putting a strain on the relationship for me.

This sounds like depression.

 

[ENIGMA16]

Honestly I haven't really been in this relationship full force since halfway through November, and to be honest I've been almost nervous to break it off with her. I was waiting until the semester is over to do it, and now that it's time, I'm worried how she will take it. Like I said, she's depressed and she keeps going on and on about how I'm the best boyfriend ever, how I'm the best lay ever, etc. and while I'm not exactly happy in a relationship with her (because like you said the lack of self-control makes me unattracted to her, but it also makes me scared what she may do under the influence. She has two guy best friends, and while I've met both and both are chodes and obviously in the friend zone, she always says she gets along "better" with guys than girls and goes on about how *****y girls are, is that a red flag?) I care enough about her that I don't want to see her seriously hurt herself when this relationship ends.

I was in your exact situation. My ex talked about suicide once in a while, and I knew that depression ran in her family, so I was super freaked out about breaking it off because she constantly told me that I was the first guy she ever really fell in love with as much as she did with me. But turns out that when I broke it off she got through it just fine. And besides, if she does do something to hurt herself that's because she is f*cked in the head and not because of anything you did. You're letting your protector instinct get in the way of making the correct decision.

I don't think you're going to make this girl change her mind. As another poster said earlier, maintaining your body and losing weight are obligations that she has to make to herself in order to be successful, and because she's only doing it because you want her to and not because she wants to it's not going to last and she's not going to put in the work necessary. You have to either learn to accept her weight and her depression or you have to move on.

This girl is f*cked in the head. She knows that; you know that; I know that. You're not going to be able to help her. That's not what you're for, anyways. Boyfriends make terrible therapists. If she's depressed then she needs to see a counselor; anything you attempt will at best do nothing and at worse divide you two further.

I say you next this girl because she has serious emotional issues that she needs to address that she can't address while being with you, and also you deserve better than having to put up with this sh!t.

 

[Warrior74]

Too much talking, not enough walking. Just rip the band-aid off man. Stop worrying about if it's gonna hurt. The weight is just they symptom, not the problem. Fix the problem by moving on.

BTW. ultimatums never work. They are the last refuge of the powerless. If they do work, they only build resentment in the person who conceeded their power. When's the last time you felt good about giving in to an ultimatum? I bet never.