Sleeping with lonely wife. Now what

[DragonBlood]

Over the summer I meet Sarah a married Italian girl (36 no kids) working in Ireland for almost a year. Her husband Miguel was working in Italy and she basically spent most of her time during the year in Ireland alone, until she meet me. After about three months of spending time together we started having sex. This woman is special to me but given the circumstance I always viewed it as a short lived fling and she will go back to her husband at some point in the near future. This didnt happen.

Being cheated on myself I now realise the extent of the damage I have caused to both Sarah and Migeuls lives. The two met during college and are each others firsts... and have been in a stable relationship for 15 years. When Sarah moved to Ireland to up skill they would text and Skype every day. Miguel himself seems like an innocent and pretty cool guy, a lot of friends and his hobby is collecting playmobil sets. Sarah is also a gentle and caring person who is basically been swept away by the "bad boy". I have even asked out one of her friends right in front of her (to get the point across), which she chose to ignore, but she now admits to keeping her friend away and likes me more.

About a month ago her husband left his job and moved to Ireland. Sarah tells me how much she loves me and how much shes wants to be with me and officially ended her relationship with Migeul a couple of weeks later. This really came as a shock to me as they have been married 15 years and I have only known Sarah for about 6 months. Her reason for the breakup was that she felt herself and Migeul have become more like friends than lovers and that the spark was gone. This has sent Migeul into an anger and depression saying things like how much she hates what shes done to him, how much he hates Ireland and how she ruined his life (as he left a secure job in Italy only to discover there was nothing here for him).


Now I have caused this:

Miguel:
Not Eating
No Job
Hates Ireland
No interest in relationships
Resents his partner
Hasnt gone out in 15 years
Will probably spend the rest of his life in pretty bad shape


Sarah:
Tells me she feels like the worst person in the world whenever she stays at my place.
Worried about Miguels mental and physical health.
Wants to remain friends with Miguel and help him, but Miguel finds this patronizing.
Tells me regularly that she loves me, even though I feel pressured into a commitment even though I have never brought the topic of relationships up.


I kind of feel like telling Sarah my intentions were never serious and that I actually want to sleep with other girls and not just her. But Im aware that by doing that I have basically ruined two peoples lives for no apparent reason.

I am taken aback by Sarah dumping Miguel and her increase in loyalty to me, but my reason for making this post is I feel bad about Miguel. He is at the end of the day just another bro doing his best in the world and didnt deserve what has happened to him. I want to in some way reduce his pain or help direct him towards finding a new partner. I have the experience and knowledge to help him, but obviously am not in a position to do that. I dont want this guy to spend the rest of his life in his moms basement depressed playing with playmobil sets, I want to help him find someone who is a better match and for him to find happiness also.

I have never been in this situation before, but as I get older I guess beautiful married woman are going to be more and more common. Any advice on the situation would be much appreciated.

 

[Tictac]

The 'moral' of your story is -

Don't f*ck married women. There is no need to do so unless you are such a loser that they are the only women you can bed.

That way you won't need to feel sorry for the Miguels of the world.

 

[dustmuffin]

Dump Sarah its her fault too. You fu cked up I hope you learned a lesson

 

[amazingswayze]

lets hope karma doesnt come back to haunt you

 

[Bible_Belt]

Everyone in this story is the cause of their own problems and needs to just get over it.

Has anyone here ever not been a Miguel before? If not, give it time. It happens to everyone. It's only the first time it happens that you think it's a big deal.

Women being wh0res is not nearly as big of a problem as the men in their lives treating them like they are not wh0res.

 

[Albatross953]

Eject dude. And next time the opportunity presents itself, because it will...remember these are real people's lives your fuking with.
I personally hope you carry Miguel with you for a long time.

 

[HeadLightsOn]

You're all involved. Miguel due to lack of attention to Sarah. Sarah for having an affair ( she knew what she was getting into). You having sex with her etc etc blah blah.

I don't subscribe to the white knightish BS nonsense that some poster put here eg morals and karma. Ffs this is life and we enter it all at our own risk.

The one thing I will say, is you say there was a 3 month period (doing what exactly, holding hands), then sex and that she is 'special' to you. I can't help feeling that you may have led her astray with your intentions, however, show me a woman that doesn't play with a mans emotions and I'll lick my nuts.

At the end of the day you make your choices and you live with the outfall. Staying with Sarah out of pity is so wrong. If you're going to fck married women, make sure you know what you're in for. If that all balances out, then fck away I say. Takes two to tango.

 

[Igetit!]

Uhh......did I read that right? Wait a sec....

I want to in some way reduce his pain or HELP DIRECT HIM TOWARDS FINDING A NEW PARTNER.

I WANT TO HELP HIM FIND SOMEONE WHO IS A BETTER MATCH.....

You participate in a woman committing ADULTRY against her husband,in stealing her affection from him to yourself (when you don't even want the woman)....and now you want to play matchmaker for the dude? For the man whose marriage you help destroy???

Ain't that some sh!t??? Seven years I've been a member here,and just when I think I've seen it all.....

You think he's gonna want dating advice from the man who's sleeping with his wife and who caused her to end their 15 year marriage? I don't think you realize just HOW MUCH hurt you've brought to this man. It'd be one thing if she just slept with you once or twice,but his WHOLE LIFE has been turned upside down.

You need to do like "Albatross" said....just leave,disappear. You're the LAST PERSON he's gonna want help from. You'd be lucky to just get near him without getting attacked and punched in the mouth.

 

[DragonBlood]

I absolutely lead her astray with my knowledge of the game, which is why I feel bad about it. Especially considering the fact that she literally has no friends here... even after staying a year!

During the first 3 months there was some hand holding and light touching, but for the most part we just went to lunch or hanged out. I came out of a bad relationship at that time, so the reason she is "special" to me is that she is the first woman in a long time to just show clean caring energy towards me and express her feelings openly. The sex was a bonus in my eyes and not something I pursued seriously. Even today, as she was waiting for me to get my bus when I got on she slowly verbalized through the window "I love you" with a big smile which I thought was cute.

As I said, I always saw it as a fling and that we would move on from this point. The idea of a relationship has never been discussed. I am dumbfounded that she would drop her guy on a whim without telling me until later on. I would never of guessed from her youthful appearance that she was in a 15 year relationship from college.... or that it was a warm social circle approach and neither of them had lovers before that.... I never asked for the details up until recently when Sarah told me she broke up "officially", but I wasnt expecting that. This guy is basically ****ed up for life.

The thing that digs deepest into my mind for whatever reason is that this guy has a life long collection and enthusiasm of playmobil sets, who even does that? To me it just represents the joyful playful energy this person has that I have obviously robbed from them. I also know that the reason Miguel moved to Ireland recently and unplanned is because his father died, so there was nothing left for him to stay in Italy for. So hes not only mourning the loss of his father, but the loss of his life long partner and also his old job and identity. To say this guy is depressed is an understatement and after slowly discovering more of the facts I have a stronger urge to help him passively in some form or another... even though I seriously doubt that is possible.

 

[Tictac]

I absolutely lead her astray with my knowledge of the game, which is why I feel bad about it. Especially considering the fact that she literally has no friends here... even after staying a year!

During the first 3 months there was some hand holding and light touching, but for the most part we just went to lunch or hanged out. I came out of a bad relationship at that time, so the reason she is "special" to me is that she is the first woman in a long time to just show clean caring energy towards me and express her feelings openly. The sex was a bonus in my eyes and not something I pursued seriously. Even today, as she was waiting for me to get my bus when I got on she slowly verbalized through the window "I love you" with a big smile which I thought was cute.

As I said, I always saw it as a fling and that we would move on from this point. I am dumbfounded that she would drop her guy on a whim without telling me until later on. I would never of guessed from her youthful appearance that she was in a 15 year relationship from college.... or that it was a warm social circle approach and neither of them had lovers before that.... I never asked for the details up until recently when Sarah told me she broke up "officially", but I wasnt expecting that. This guy is basically ****ed up for life.

I think I'm gonna hurl.

 

[DragonBlood]

Well to be honest tictac that is why I posted in the Mature Man, this is beyond my experience and Im not really sure how to take the situation.

 

[dustmuffin]

I think if I were Miguel and you approached me about match making I would be tempted to beat the s hit out of you. Now if you cheated with my x wife I would shake your hand and say you are welcome to her. You feel bad and guilty. You screwed up. You can't fix this. Just leave and know that you have learned a lesson. there is no magic pill that will make it all better.

He will be ****ed up for a while but he will get over it. It will just take time. Maybe years. I think you had better stay away from him.

 

[Tictac]

Well to be honest tictac that is why I posted in the Mature Man, this is beyond my experience and Im not really sure how to take the situation.

Try this - stop.

You act like a woman that has no self-control, no ability to reason nor any sense of accountability for a situation wholly of your own making.

 

[exhausted]

I think if I were Miguel and you approached me about match making I would be tempted to beat the s hit out of you. Now if you cheated with my x wife I would shake your hand and say you are welcome to her. You feel bad and guilty. You screwed up. You can't fix this. Just leave and know that you have learned a lesson. there is no magic pill that will make it all better.

He will be ****ed up for a while but he will get over it. It will just take time. Maybe years. I think you had better stay away from him.

Tempted?
ugh, I would stomp his ass into a vegetative state or at least ruin him physically for the rest of his life.
Of course I have boxed 2/3 of my life so it would come naturally for me.
A home wrecker should not be let off the hook;

 

[Genos]

Dragonblood,

You know you screwed up. That's what is most important here. I can tell you feel pretty deeply about this.
But talking to Miguel is not something you can really do (I do understand your desire to help him and make amends)...it's extremely unlikely that he'll take it anywhere near as constructively as you hope. At worst, he may try to hurt you.

You must trust that both of them will be able to move on and get better. We all have gone through some pretty messy experiences with women before we came to this forum...perhaps he can grow and become stronger.

In the future, be mindful of situations like this. You messed up, you made a mistake, and now move forward as best you can. Seeing as how you're deeply troubled by this, I would EXTREMELY recommend seeing a psychologist or counselor to cope. Counseling services can be extremely helpful.

Feel free to PM me if you need to talk to someone. Right now, the worst thing you can do is just hole yourself up and regurgitate your emotions and guilt. Take action. Again, since you're really down, I'd reccomend you to go see a counselor sooner rather than later if you're interested.

 

[YawataNoKami]

I call bullsh1t in Miguel's situation. You are Miguel replacement. Meaning Miguel is bad , lazy , unaffectionate and bla,bla,bla ...........at least according to her. But hey , let us of all believe a cheating wh0re.......... right? Again you are the replacement and guess what in a very near future someone will replace YOU. And the my friend , you will be Miguel. You are 27 years old , for God sake, you should know better.

 

[DragonBlood]

Ive been Miguel in the past and that is why I feel so much guilt about it. When I meet Sarah I had came out of a bad relationship fairly recently and her main purpose in my eyes was to rebuild my self-esteem. Sleeping with her was never the end goal and I just enjoyed her company while still going out to the bar and talking to other woman. I had made a few advances on her to test the waters which she rejected and made clear that we could only be friends. Realizing I was wasting my time I largely gave up and started treating her more like a friend..... until Miguel actually came over to Ireland and started living with her full time. I think they had an argument and very quickly her perfect man was not so perfect. And for the first time in her life, she actually had an option.

After lunch one day I took Sarah for a walk as we sometimes did, we were passing by a ruined castle I found that I thought was cool so I decided to show it too her. In my infinite stupidity I realised that I had actually isolated Sarah and she started making out with me out of nowhere and told me she had liked me all along. (Not looking for sympathy here, just want to be clear that I wasnt trying to isolate and this was not my intention). She actually remarked that I was shaking, as at the time I couldnt process where this was coming from after meeting nothing but resistance. I could have probably pushed things further but I needed to go home and process this. In the weeks that followed Sarah waited for her man to be out of town and arranged to meet up with me, thats when we started having the affair. She backward rationalized that things havent been great for the past 5 years anyway.

I planets the seeds early on and then pulled back when I started to give up. All the while not realizing attraction was growing and she just needed one negative push from her partner to justify sleeping with me.

Yeah, I could walk away and leave Sarah completely alone in a foreign country after ruining her relationship. I dont think dropping Sarah at this point is the right decision and would only make things worse. I feel sorry for Sarah because learning more about how the two meet she seems to have had only one real option in her life up until recently, and has tried to make it work probably well past its expiry date. On the other hand I also feel sorry for Miguel as he doesnt have the experiences Ive had or ever played "the game" and will probably struggle with this loss for a very long time. I dont even know what happens to people like Miguel when something like this happens. Knowing how trapped these people are living (but in different ways) is very unpleasant to me.

They are living together for the rest of the month while Miguel makes arrangements to wrap things up and go home, not to see each other again. Sarah told me this as she plans to put all her attention onto me and probably expect a bigger commitment.

 

[Desdinova]

I'm going to give my take on this whole thing. There's a lot of issues coming into play that have made this situation what it is...

Her husband Miguel was working in Italy and she basically spent most of her time during the year in Ireland alone

When you're involved in a LTR with a woman, she needs maintenance too keep her interest at a decent level. Her husband took a job in a different city. Most people here on sosuave know that LDRs never work. If you're going to take a job in a different city, you NEED to bring your woman with you. If you take a job that requires you to be away from home a lot, any idiot can tell you that you're sacrificing time with your family. Time with your family involves keeping your woman's IL at a half decent level.

Miguel had the right circumstances for a successful marriage. They were each others' firsts. Nabbing a woman who is 'fresh off the lot' gives the relationship a better chance since she hasn't become damaged due to dating other alphas or become jaded towards men. His mistake was abandoning her. A woman is a woman, and if her man isn't around to keep her interest level high, someone else will come and fill the void. That person was DragonBlood.

Her reason for the breakup was that she felt herself and Migeul have become more like friends than lovers and that the spark was gone.

If you stay away from your girlfriend for a year, you're going to lose attraction because she's not there to keep you interested. This is main reason why I searched out a mistress while I was married. My wife was never home, and the attention I was getting from my mistress felt fantastic. The bottom line is relationships NEED maintenance from both parties.

This has sent Migeul into an anger and depression saying things like how much she hates what shes done to him, how much he hates Ireland and how she ruined his life

Ah, but that's very one-sided. He abandoned her to pursue work, effectively ruining her interest in him. How can she ruin his life when she was nowhere near him?

Now I have caused this:

Miguel:
Not Eating
No Job
Hates Ireland
No interest in relationships
Resents his partner
Hasnt gone out in 15 years
Will probably spend the rest of his life in pretty bad shape

You did not cause this. She was abandoned by her husband and her IL in him has dropped. If she didn't fvck around with you, she would have fvcked around with someone else, and I can't say I blame her.

I kind of feel like telling Sarah my intentions were never serious and that I actually want to sleep with other girls and not just her. But Im aware that by doing that I have basically ruined two peoples lives for no apparent reason.

Again, you did not ruin either of these peoples' lives. Miguel got the ball rolling on this one. She's been lonely for a year, and she's currently experiencing an influx of emotions due to having a man in her life again. That's why she feels "love".

my reason for making this post is I feel bad about Miguel. He is at the end of the day just another bro doing his best in the world and didnt deserve what has happened to him.

He did not do his best at maintaining his relationship with his wife. The longer he stayed away, the greater the chance his wife was going to fvck around.

I'm going to say it again... If she didn't fvck you, she would have fvcked someone else. You are NOT to blame for their marriage failing.

 

[Tictac]

Ive been Miguel in the past and that is why I feel so much guilt about it. When I meet Sarah I had came out of a bad relationship fairly recently and her main purpose in my eyes was to rebuild my self-esteem. Sleeping with her was never the end goal and I just enjoyed her company while still going out to the bar and talking to other woman. I had made a few advances on her to test the waters which she rejected and made clear that we could only be friends. Realizing I was wasting my time I largely gave up and started treating her more like a friend..... until Miguel actually came over to Ireland and started living with her full time. I think they had an argument and very quickly her perfect man was not so perfect. And for the first time in her life, she actually had an option.

After lunch one day I took Sarah for a walk as we sometimes did, we were passing by a ruined castle I found that I thought was cool so I decided to show it too her. In my infinite stupidity I realised that I had actually isolated Sarah and she started making out with me out of nowhere and told me she had liked me all along. (Not looking for sympathy here, just want to be clear that I wasnt trying to isolate and this was not my intention). She actually remarked that I was shaking, as at the time I couldnt process where this was coming from after meeting nothing but resistance. I could have probably pushed things further but I needed to go home and process this. In the weeks that followed Sarah waited for her man to be out of town and arranged to meet up with me, thats when we started having the affair. She backward rationalized that things havent been great for the past 5 years anyway.

Yeah, I could walk away and leave Sarah completely alone in a foreign country after ruining her relationship. I dont think dropping Sarah at this point is the right decision and would only make things worse. I feel sorry for Sarah because learning more about how the two meet she seems to have had only one real option in her life up until recently, and has tried to make it work probably well past its expiry date. On the other hand I also feel sorry for Miguel as he doesnt have the experiences Ive had or ever played "the game" and will probably struggle with this loss for a very long time. I dont even know what happens to people like Miguel when something like this happens.

They are living together for the rest of the month while Miguel makes arrangements to wrap things up and go home, not to see each other again. Sarah told me this as she plans to put all her attention onto me and probably expect a bigger commitment.

Okay drama queen, now you've lapsed into trolldom. Exactly who here do you think cares about all the sh*t you just typed?

You've 'been Miguel'? Seriously? You had some narcissistic, maudlin, arrested development headcase f*ck your wife of 15 years?

Go hone your Harlequin Romance novel writing skills somewhere where femboys might swoon over it. There are men here that take or at least trying to take responsibility for their own actions. You, by your choice, have wrecked a marriage and all you can type about is you.

What a puke.

 

[DragonBlood]

Thank you Des, your break down actually highlights my concerns exactly. I have played the game long enough to know exactly what has happened at each stage and the role I am playing in this womans life, the knowledge of attraction and female dynamics is why I feel guilty about this.

You did not cause this. She was abandoned by her husband and her IL in him has dropped. If she didn't fvck around with you, she would have fvcked around with someone else, and I can't say I blame her.

Here I need to make an important clarification. Sarah left Italy to better her career, not the other way around. The two had no plan as how this was going to work out long term, but Miguel kept his current job in Italy and they stayed in contact over Skype everyday. This woman was still learning english and very career focused, and I have asked her repeatably about this, she spent the whole year alone in Ireland without any friends. Visiting Miguel on holidays or vise versa.

It was when Miguels father died that he suddenly decided now was the time to move to Ireland. Even though, by this point and meeting me, Sarah urged him not too. He did anyway and came over depressed and lost bereaving his father. And with no english himself was basically stuck in his wifes apartment. Understandably Sarahs resentment started to brew if it was so easy to leave Italy all along and she started treating me as a serious option instead of a friend.

The result is still the same... If you didn't fvck her, someone else would have.

You are also right Des, I am not the only person who was trying to get with this woman since she came to Ireland. As Sarah has told me there are times and places she will avoid because she gets hit on by "creepy men" aka guys whos game is not as good as mine. This makes me laugh as in her mind she cant seem to join the dots that they are not much different from me! Most woman cant see past the halo effect.

The problem I have is my knowledge of the game leads me into guilt. I know the different steps that have happened along the way and could of avoided this situation from happening. Additionally I feel a desire to help wake up Miguel and help him passively instead of seeing him spend the rest of his life unnecessarily alone and unhappy. There is no question that Miguel loves and needs Sarah more than me, that he doesnt understand whats happening and has no references to stabilize his emotions and physical health. How can I feel good about that? Even though I would agree he doesnt deserve Sarah for the mistakes he made along the way, that doesnt mean I want to see him suffer and fail to find a new partner.

@Tictac: maybe I am hard to understand, but I try my best to look at everything objectively and spread no hate for anyone. This is because I have been cheated on in the past myself and realised the only way to let go of it was to let go of the hate towards others and not to personalize everything that happens.