Thanks for the latest advices, guys. But I guess everything's over with this one...
I've actually been too weak yesterday. I didn't WANT to tell her that I couldn't go on with her under the current circumstances. I didn't WANT the dream to end... And this showed, I was quite emotional when we had the talk yesterday. I should've been unemotional and firm...
I still kinda doubted myself when I confronted her, there was still a part of me wondering if I was seeing ghosts and overreacting. She could sense this very clearly from my behavior and took advantage of it. She tried to manipulate me...small things, like when I said I couldn't continue FOR NOW, she didn't even let me finish my sentence and acted like I said the relationship was completely over. She did certain things, said certain things, that prevented me from clearly explaining that I wanted a BREAK, not ending the relationship PERMANENTLY. She played me on this...she forced the situation into an all-or-nothing...she kinda forced me to choose between breaking up PERMANENTLY or not breaking up at all.
There was more of this, veeeeeery subtle manipulations of my emotions or of my words... She started crying and that's the moment I became emotional myself. But as soon as she saw me in that state, she became more rational and sort of calculating, she was subtly twisting the situation into her favor, trying to turn me into the one that was losing her, instead of the other way around.
Too much details to write down here, but I am putting the pieces of the puzzle together the more I recall everything and analyze everything she said in the text conversation that followed last night. Sorry for not sharing it all with you guys...
But it's becoming clear to me that my suspicions were right from the beginning...there is indeed a strong smell of 'cluster b' about her. It just never got to the surface until now...there were little signs, here and there, throughout all the 2.5 months that I've known her. I just didn't see them, or didn't WANT to see them. And the typical cluster b behavior really did stay under the surface, didn't manifest itself in her behavior, coz I was in control of her for the most time, because I was playing the game very well, kept her chasing me and kept her on her toes most of the time.
That changed throughout the last few weeks, I could already sense her becoming a bit more confident and opposing me some more, even if it was mostly when we were joking around and I was still being dominant overall...
I have given away too much of myself too quickly, particularly in the later stage of this relationship. I handed over too much control, very slowly...but progressively nontheless... I lost sight of the fact that the game never ends, even though I always tried to keep this in the back of my mind and often times tried to figure out if I was still doing things "by the book". Without even realizing it, I made very tiny mistakes here and there, almost too small to notice, but eventually they added up...
So I have only myself to blame for anything that bothers me at this moment... Only this morning, as she continued the text conversation, I suddenly realized everything fully and the "real me" kicked in. I have been way too soft, way too reasonable wioth her since I confronted her. So this morning, I finally treated her the way I should... Coz I know now what games she is playing and how I have been trying to be reasonable with an unreasonable person! So I told her to fvck off, that I was gonna block her on mesenger and remove her from Facebook, that I wish no furter contact and don't wanna stay friends with her, that she shouldn't try to speak to me at the events we both attento to weekly etc. No ultimatum behind it, actually not even the hope of changing her behavior by this.... I just did it because it needed to be done, FOR MYSELF, FOR MY SELF RESPECT, FOR MY DIGNITY!
You know, I realized that she was just bluffing since the moment I confronted her...she sensed weakness on my part and thought she could keep lying to me and that I would eventually just "let it go" and this situation would pass, coz
1. I had no tangible evidence for anything, apart from the fact that she was contradicting herself.
2. I needed her too much to walk away from her (especially since I had no firm proof of anything).
Yeah, now that I have broken contact completely and actually have broken up with her permanently, she's got nothing more to lose. I reckon she wasn't prepared to confess anything about what's behind her contradicting statements bacause she feared I would abandon her if she told me the truth about it all.
Now I have abandoned her anyway, she can't lose me MORE so to speak. So perhaps now she will consider telling me the truth after all, coz things can't get any worse anyway if she tells me. Actually, there might even be a chance that I forgive her and take her back... So in the back of my mind, I take this possibility into account.
But you know what? Even if she does confess what's really behind her lies and contradictions, even if it is something that I can forgive...I
cannot forgive the fact that she has gone through such lengths to keep the truth from me, went this far to turn the tables on me and tried manipulating me into thinking that I was being wrong here etc. Her behavior from the last two days up until now, is unacceptable anyway, even if she decides to confess her "sins" later on.
So that's that. Too much has happened already, this situation is beyond redemption to me. Besides, when you NEXT a girl and go no-contact, you don't do it with some secret hope that things will turn out right because of it. NEXTING is NEXTING, it's DONE, you disconnect from her emotionally. You can't do the latter if you secretly keep some hope for things to turn out right after all...
THE END.
Yes, I feel kinda miserable right now. This whole thing, it just came out of NOWHERE! Everything was going so well lately, it was all looking just fine, even better than fine! And then, BAM! all of a sudden everything twists around, in the blink of an eye, while you're having a romantic evening together, enjoying some drinks and having a pleasant conversation. She just happened to mention that movie and then everything changed and 24 hours later it's all over.
I remember how I was asleep and carelessly dreaming this last night. Then I woke up today in the morning, and as soon as my consciousness got up and running, the realization hit me:
"Oh yeah, we broke up last night..." and a really sad, miserable feeling came over me... Kinda when the guy from "Lock stock and two smoking barrels" gets hit with the realization that he just lost half a million bucks in a poker game
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=56jekYL2h7k
But hey, I know the routine by now. Been there, done that...just a couple o' days of feeling miserable and licking my wounds, I'll be back on my feet in no time. What's more important is the rewards I reap from all this! Coz boy oh boy, these 2.5 months gave me a SH!TLOAD of experience!
Not just the mistakes that I can learn a lot from. No, also all the things I did RIGHT! Coz I sure did do a lot right, here... I've landed a girl who was top of the crop, she was absolutely gorgeous, the type I could only dream of before. And she was CRAZY about me, I was being the perfect DJ, I had her eating out of the palm of my hand. The looks of other guys, many of them even literally telling me how amazing she was and how lucky I was to have landed her... Coz regardless from the unhappy ending and the mistakes I have made, the most part of this whole adventure has EPIC WIN written all over it.
Back to the drawing board and onwards to the next adventure. I'm unstoppable... I'm well on my way to becoming a person I could never even DREAM to be, achieving things I could never even DREAM of achieving.
This onfortunate ending changes nothing. Sky is
still the limit...
