Sky is the limit...

[Die Hard]

LOL, I'm gonna remember that sh!t myself as well! I may have fvcked up afterwards, though...

The day after, she called me (indicative of pretty high interest, I'd say) but I was away from my phone. So I called back later that day but we couldn't understand a thing of what we were saying. It was kinda exciting to hear each other's voice and she sounded enthusiastic but all we did was ask a few questions and then the other would say: "I don't understand" so we became silent and I decided to break off the conversation. Told her I would send a text or email, coz that way I can use some translation thingy.

Was a very awkward conversation and I think she might have gotten the idea that I didn't want to talk to her (I did, but I was just feeling very uncomfortable coz she didn't understand anything I said, which made me want to get out of the situation as quickly as possible).

So I sent her an email late that night. Told her how the communication was difficult but how it was exciting at the same time coz we would have to rely more on non verbal communication. Told her I wanted to tell her many things, through body language, when we will meet up next Thursday. Some stuff like that...

Waited two days but no reply. So I texted her last night: Did you receive my email? But no reply to that either... Hmm...

Will stay silent from here on. If she still doesn't contact me before Thursday, I will send her another email, only containing a picture of my naked upper body (same pic I sent HB9 last week, which she was CRAZY about).

I dunno... It's obvious that all we can do, is hook up for one time of s3x. She has some family in my country, so we might meet up again in the future but nothing else can come from this. Perhaps she desires more, regardless, though? Her text on the same day I met her, asking if I had a girlfriend... Her calling me the day after (with what reason? She knew we couldn't meet up until I get to Paris again, next week)...Her telling me repeatedly that she really liked me, when we were sitting down for a drink after we left the train station...

Perhaps she already foresees that she can't be with me after a one night stand and is now considering to not have any further contact AT ALL, so she can spare herself from that frustration?

That's why I will send the sexy pic of myself next week, hoping she won't be able to resist the temptation and decide to take what she can get: one hot Thursday afternoon with her lover from the train...

 

[Die Hard]

update

Well, the French chick flaked on me. Too bad, but it's not that surprising... We only shared what? 15 minutes? That was supposed to be the basis for a hasty fvck session that would take place on an afternoon one week later when I would travel through Paris again. Kinda crazy idea, actually...it's not that weird for her to back down from it.

But I will forever remember the pickup! That was stuff from the movies man...and one of the smoothest things I've ever pulled off! It added a lot of confidence and experience points, haha.


More important news... I am now in a relationship with the HB9 that I started this thread about

We've been sending messages and messing with each other's heads A LOT during my vacation in France. That one week seemed like a MONTH, I was really having trouble waiting to see her again, and she felt the same way. So we met up one day after I got back and it was awesome!

The week after that, we met a few times more but things eventually went bad... I can't even remember everything and what happened when, exactly. I was having trouble fighting ONEITIS, having all kinds of doubts about her coz I picked up some red flags. I was also really doubting whether I could handle all the male attention she gets etc.

At the same time, she was trying to move forward pretty fast and I had to slow her down, which made her a bit insecure and it affected her behavior. Her behavior and communication became a bit tense, more nervous... Which affected me and only amplified my own nervousness about the whole situation.
How much of yourself do you give away? Sure, protect that heart, make her chase you, control the frame, make sure she needs you more than you need her etc. That's easy on the night you first meet her and the first few dates afterwards. But when are you done qualifying her and at what pace do you allow yourself to 'open up' to her?

You can't keep a tight fence around your feelings for several weeks/months and then all of a sudden decide "Okay, I trust her, she's girlfriend material, I can drop the fence!" and totally change overnight. It has to be a gradual process, opening up and and allowing the fence to go down has to happen step by step. I was having a hard time managing this process...

At some point, she kinda went too far with her 'claiming' behavior in a particular situation (basically trying to manipulate and force me to meet up with her while I had other plans). I really had to put her in her place and she reacted very insecure to that... Then some ridiculous coincidental event happened, some weird twist of fate that was out of my control made it seem as if I had decided to give in to her attempt to 'claim' me. And I could already notice how she FELT like she had grabbed the frame, which she really DIDN'T lol. But it was really making me feel uncomfortable, very much... I felt things were not gonna be good after this and felt I needed to "correct" the situation.

Next day I acted very distant and her response was quite EXTREME... She tried to 'get back at me', she was obviously hurt by my distant behavior and tried to hurt me back through playing some game... It was another red flag, a BIG ONE, an INTOLERABLE one. Altogether, I just felt like I had to eject... I had been drawn into sort of a BPD vortex and felt like I was really out of control, like my emotions and the whole situation had taken control of me, had taken me on a ride where I had nothing to say about the journey or the destination. Nothing good was gonna come from a situation where I was this lost and out of control over the situation and myself...let alone with a girl that had shown several red flags.

So I did what was right and ejected. Told her it was over and went 'no contact'. She responded very sadly, couldn't believe that things had ended and wanted to know where things went wrong. That was tough for me, I didn't really know what I wanted and decided to grant her a meeting so I could explain things to her. Of course, if I really was sure that I shouldn't go on with her, I wouldn't have granted her that conversation. It was a way for me to screen and qualify her as well, as to confim/disconfirm whether ejecting was really the best thing to do.

So we met up and had some real honest conversation about everything. About both our feelings, insecurities, expectations and everything. It was a very open and honest conversation. The most important thing was, I held the frame and felt she was quite desperate to win me back through this conversation, while I was only examining the possibility of giving things another chance with her and absolutely willing to walk if she couldn't convince me.

Well, she did convince me and I decided to give things another chance with her. That was two weeks ago and obviously I've been very cautious and critical towards her behavior. Whenever there's a chance of anything negative happening, I tell myself: "Aha, there it is... I told you so! This is the sign that you have been anticipating, this will prove that you were right after all when you decided to eject!" But anytime such a situation pops up, it turns out the opposite and actually points out that I was wrong to eject. "Okay, you got lucky here...wait until the next situation, you'll see..." is what I keep thinking, but it keeps turning out the opposite everytime consistently for two weeks now. She comes through everytime I doubt her...

We've become quite serious in these last two weeks and it all seems to go quite effortlessly. The communication between us is very good and natural, we seem to 'add up' in that regard. I do realize that this has a lot to do with the fact that I hold a strong frame over her, though! But as long as I can keep that up, things should stay as great as they are.
At the same time, I've been making some important progress emotionally... I have kept myself shut off emotionally to women for a long time and am turning this around with this girl. Pretty tough... A while ago, I got home from spending the night with her and I felt she had come close to me emotionally. It was so unnerving to me that I dosed half a bottle of whisky and ended up as a mess, lying under the shower (couldn't even stand lol) for an hour while throwing up...

But with these last two weeks, that unnerving feeling has become less and I feel like I've found more peace of mind. If she's really good for me and this is really a good thing, then I have to allow myself to be weak and open up, otherwise what's the use? I keep reading Slickster's "Slick tales" thread where he said the same thing while he was dating his current wife. I have no illusions about ending up married lol, but in this regard it feels the same: I have to allow myself to open up and take the chance of getting hurt, if I wanna experience something more than "just sex".

We've now know each other for 6 weeks and I keep being prepared for it to end any day. I keep asking myself: "Will you be able to cope when this relationship ends?" and I honestly don't know the answer... But like Slick said in his thread, I too have been through worse in my (love)life...
So I'll take things day by day and try to make the most out of it. There's no turning back now, anyway. I just try to keep in mind that the game actually really BEGINS when you enter a relationship, that I shouldn't drop my guard and become complacent etc.

It's my first real relationship since I joined SoSuave three years ago... Time to put myself to the test and see what I've learned in those three years. Wish me luck, brothers...

 

[betheman]

Enjoy it

 

[DonJuan_DeRosco]

You can't keep a tight fence around your feelings for several weeks/months and then all of a sudden decide "Okay, I trust her, she's girlfriend material, I can drop the fence!" and totally change overnight. It has to be a gradual process, opening up and and allowing the fence to go down has to happen step by step. I was having a hard time managing this process...

&

Whenever there's a chance of anything negative happening, I tell myself: "Aha, there it is... I told you so! This is the sign that you have been anticipating, this will prove that you were right after all when you decided to eject!" But anytime such a situation pops up, it turns out the opposite and actually points out that I was wrong to eject. "Okay, you got lucky here...wait until the next situation, you'll see..." is what I keep thinking, but it keeps turning out the opposite everytime consistently for two weeks now. She comes through everytime I doubt her...

&

But with these last two weeks, that unnerving feeling has become less and I feel like I've found more peace of mind. If she's really good for me and this is really a good thing, then I have to allow myself to be weak and open up, otherwise what's the use? I keep reading Slickster's "Slick tales" thread where he said the same thing while he was dating his current wife. I have no illusions about ending up married lol, but in this regard it feels the same: I have to allow myself to open up and take the chance of getting hurt, if I wanna experience something more than "just sex".

We've now know each other for 6 weeks and I keep being prepared for it to end any day. I keep asking myself: "Will you be able to cope when this relationship ends?" and I honestly don't know the answer... But like Slick said in his thread, I too have been through worse in my (love)life...
So I'll take things day by day and try to make the most out of it. There's no turning back now, anyway. I just try to keep in mind that the game actually really BEGINS when you enter a relationship, that I shouldn't drop my guard and become complacent etc.

Seems to me that every once in a while, we gotta give something a good shot.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this very honest account DieHard. I have in the last 6 months found myself embarking on an LTR and went through many of the things you have described. The doubt, the almost waiting for something to go wrong etc. It really isn't healthy, it makes you wonder if there's a part of us that thrives in it, the misery. My girl is from SW Germany and has what I would consider to be classic values, she's always surprising me and proving me wrong. I like it, I just decided to fully embrace it (whilst adhering to the principles from here) and enjoying it. It's taken a helluva lot of adaptation and re-thinking on my part, which really hasn't been easy but it's all great so far.

Good luck to us both DieHard, and to us all.

 

[Die Hard]

Thanks for the reply, man! I was kinda wondering why no one else but betheman replied...

Good luck to you too, and to the rest of you motherfvckerz!

 

[Slickster]

Holy sh!t Die Hard I was reading this and thinking that is exactly how I felt!!

You are a smart guy and whatever happens you will be just fine. It's easy to get carried away with emotion and excitement when you meet someone you really connect with. Listen to yourself!! Not just your heart and not just your mind. Trust yourself!! Inside you know the right path to take. Just keep your eyes open and you'll know right away if you are going in the wrong direction. Don't be afraid to take a chance at something great. There is nothing worse than missing out on opportunity. Whatever happens you will be a better and stronger person for it. We CAN create our own realities. If this situation doesn't work out consider it another step towards where you are really suppose to be. Be confident in yourself and know that whatever you are looking for will yours in time. You are unstoppable.

 

[Die Hard]

Thanks, Slick!

I'm actually starting to feel really ZEN about it all. I feel I will be able to rise to the occasion, whatever happens.


Which is a good way to describe what being a DJ is all about, come to think of it:

Being able to rise to the occasion, always...

 

[cordoncordon]

Best of luck.

 

[iqqi]

Just now reading this, hilarious. Good job Diehard. It's good to know even hot guys (which you must be I assume) can be so insecure. Had to stop at this post to add some advice:

The day after, she called me (indicative of pretty high interest, I'd say) but I was away from my phone. So I called back later that day but we couldn't understand a thing of what we were saying. It was kinda exciting to hear each other's voice and she sounded enthusiastic but all we did was ask a few questions and then the other would say: "I don't understand" so we became silent and I decided to break off the conversation. Told her I would send a text or email, coz that way I can use some translation thingy.

Was a very awkward conversation and I think she might have gotten the idea that I didn't want to talk to her (I did, but I was just feeling very uncomfortable coz she didn't understand anything I said, which made me want to get out of the situation as quickly as possible).

The next time, if there is a next time, that this happens, just starting talking to her low and slow in English, about all of the dirty things you want to do to her. She will know you are saying something sexy, and she is probably getting off on you being American. You can say anything that you'd never say to someone who you thought understood what you were saying. And then you'd have the memory of one of the most erotic conversations ever burnt into your memory.

Danger: "I am going to put your feet behind your head and **** your mouth with my big **** you sexy French *****."

Her in the backround, "Oui? S'il vous plaît... Je ne comprends pas."

 

[Die Hard]

Thanks for the tip, Iqqi. I'll keep it in mind for the next occasion.

By the way, I'm not American, lol.

 

[Desdinova]

The one think I keep in mind when I enter a LTR is "If this ends, I KNOW I'll be able to move on." It really changes your attitude toward a LTR when you believe that and know it's true. You don't become reliant on this one woman being the entire foundation of your happiness. You KNOW you can be happy without her.

With that being said, have fun! LTRs are a nice break from dating a bunch of useless dumbass women.

....oh, hi Iqqi!!!

 

[iqqi]

Oh hai.

:bats lashes:

 

[mrRuckus]

It's good to know even hot guys (which you must be I assume) can be so insecure.

You're happy to hear about the suffering of others?

 

[scrouds]

You're happy to hear about the suffering of others?

Welcome to your wake up call mrRuckus. That's actually how chicks operate. They're swear up and down that it isn't true, but actions will speak, and they say yes, yes yes.

 

[Die Hard]

Okay, time for some drama, I guess...

I think I'm losing my mind here. Don't know what to think, what to feel, I'm confused...

Last night we we're just talking. She told me she liked this and that movie, some Pixar/Disney stuff. She mentions some titles and then says thereés another one but she can't think of the name. So I call out 'Ice Age'. Yeah that was it, she says and tells me she had seen that a while ago.

She must've seen it quite recently coz we went to the movies not so long ago and Ice Age was one of the options, which she hadn't seen at the time yet.

So I ask her whether she had downloaded it. No, I saw it at the theater, she answers. This got me a bit curious, so I asked with whom?

This is what's driving me crazy... She had to think for a second, breathed in, looked up with her eyes for a second, then said: "Oh, with a good girlfriend of mine.....and uhhh...we got back quite early, around 18.30/19.00"

What the fvck?! Why in heaven's name would she add that last bit of information??? It was almost like she was saying it to reassure me or something. I had jut asked with whom she went to see the movie, not at what time she returned home or anything else. So why would she add that information?

It got me really nervous and I asked some more details. I mentioned that this movie was one of our options when we were picking a movie a while ago and that she hadn't seen it at that moment yet, so when did she go and see it with that girlfriend of hers?

She thought about it, then said it was before her and me hooked up and was doubting whether it was the latest ICe Age or not, coz there are more parts. But the last one before the newest came out 2 years ago or something, lol.

Goddamnit man, it just smells fishy to me. We talked some more and later on, I asked her whether she had seen Madagascar as well. She immediately said that she didn't know, coz all those movies are alike and she can't keep the movie titles straight in her head (which is which), "My mind is like Alzheimer's, lol" she said.... It was as if someone realizes he has just given several conflicting anwers and then when you confront him with that, he finally says "Uhh, I don't know anything anymore..."

Also, later on, when I asked some more about that day, she said she went to the movies around 19.00. Huh, before she said they got back early, around 18.30/19.00??? If they still went to the movies at that time, the movie would end around 21.30 or something... This doesn't HAVE to mean anything, you know... They went to another town for shopping, so perhaps then they got back "home" and went to the movies in her hometown? Even so, I just can't help myself thinking that she's saying conflicting things...

I just couldn't let it go, we had a great night up until this moment, but this stuff made me feel quite nervous and restless. I became distant and silent and kept overthinking all she had just said, trying to figure out whether I was being crazy and seeing things that weren't there at all, or whether she was really lying/making things up...

I stayed this way the rest of the night, bringing her back to her home etc. She could oviously notice and kept asking me wat was wrong. I said nothing, told her not to worry too much. But I just couldn't hide it, I was SO FVCKING TENSE and she became quite emotional and told me my behavior was getting her very worried. Still, I told her it was something I had to work out for myself and didn't want to talk about it.

That was last night. Today we texted a little and obviously mentioned this stuff. I was distant in my texting and no smiley's and kisses at the close of my message (which I normally always do). She got kinda sad and said this all feels very negative and worries her. Well, we had planned to hook up tonight anyway, so I told her we'd talk about it all tonight.

My plan is to ask a few more questions about the topic. Primarily about this:

* She said last night that she kinda broke off contact with this girlfriend of hers recently.
* She said that she went to see the movie with that girl, BEFORE her and me hooked up
* She said that this same girl had at one point in time asked her whether her and me had already kissed etc.

What is true and what is not? So I will ask her somehting like this: "Hey, that day when you and that girl went to the movies, she asked you whether you and me had already kissed etc. right?" I she answers yes, she is obviously contradicting her statement from last night, where she said it was BEFORE her and me had hooked up.

Also, I will ask again about the time thing, her saying they got home early like 19.00, but also saying they went to the movies around that time.


But I'm wondering whether I should pursue this at all... What if she keeps giving conflicting answers? What conclusion can I draw from it? Did she go to Ice Age with another guy? Who knows, but her conflicting anwers are just circumstancial evidence, it doesn't prove anything, other than that she's sort of lying to me. So what do I do in that case? Tell her she has to come up with the truth or I don't wanna see her again? Fvck, she can fabricate some "truth" and I still won't be able to know if it really IS the truth, so what's the use anyway?

At the same time, I'll be coming across as very suspicious/paranoid (without having a case or hard evidence for anything specific!) and this might seriously mess up our relationship.

On the other hand, I can't do NOTHING and just forget about all this. Can I???

I hope someone can give me some advice here, I'll be meeting up with her in little over 3 hours... At the moment, I just plan to confront her with everything and if her answers satisfy me, I'll leave all this behind. If her answers/behaviour do not satisfy me, I'll tell her I want a break from the relationship, no time period specified. If she doesn't come up with a way to reassure me in the meantime, the break will become permanent. Fvck it... I just can't let this pass and happily continue this relationship as if nothing happened. I might be seeing ghosts and throw away a relationship that was REALLY GOOD for nothing, but I can't just let this pass...

 

[Serg897]

I think I'm losing my mind here.

Sure seems like it.

This thread is telling. Very telling indeed. All it shows is that even if you do get that HB9 you are crazy about, you still wont be happy if you haven't rooted out your insecurities .

 

[Die Hard]

Is that all it is, Serg?

Yes, I must admit, if this situation had happened a motnh ago, I wouldn't have made a big deal out of it.

These last few weeks, though...we sort of entered a new stage in the relationship. It seems we're moving from "being in love with each other" to "loving each other", the emotional connection is getting deeper.

At this point, I just can't accept her being untruthful to me... It's not so much that I suspect her of cheating on me, it's simply the fact that she is making things up and isn't totally honest with me.

Is it a mistake, then? Should I just let it pass and act like nothing's wrong? Just be cool about it? Like I said, I could do that a while ago but now that we've taken the relationship a step further and grew closer, I feel that it is neccesary to have a certain level of trust between her and me. The current situation does not go with that... So what, am I being too eager, too outcome-dependant? Losing myself too much in this relationship, becoming too emotional, too dependant of her? Or is that something natural, which happens when you move beyond a certain point with a woman? The more you care for her, the less you can accept from her. So if I stayed disattached, I would not care for this situation. But wouldn't the flipside be that if I stayed disattached form her, I could never really enjoy her and the relationship as much as when I become attached to her?

She's not the HB9 that I just want to fvck. She's the HB9 which I wanna give a shot at a LTR. From that perspective, one does need to hold a girl to certain standards. If she can't live up to those standards, then I am not willing to deepen our relationship and prefer to distance myself from her, take the relationship a level down to where we were a month ago or something...

Love to hear more thoughts, Serg. Or others! Only two hours until we meet, so if anyone has more thoughts to share, please do...

Something tells me I'm not being very DJ-ish here...that it's a mistake to confront her and making such a big deal out of this situation. Another part of me tells me this is not just some same night-pick up or a second date or something. You let things pass in those situations... But what if you're actually going somewhere and got something good goig on together, something that has grown and keeps growing between the two of you? Should you just adopt a "Whatever, I don't care..." attitude too, then? Not make a big deal out of anything?

I do have feelings for her and I can't feel that way about her, while knowing at the same time she is being dishonest with me. So I either do one of two things:

1. Relativise those feelings, tone them down, stop taking everything so seriously.
2. Tell her (overtly or covertly) that this relationship and my feelings cannot move past a certain point if she is dishonest with me.

 

[zekko]

Die Hard, it sounds like the pressure of dating this HB9 is getting to you.
That's what super hot girls can do to you, it's trying to turn you AFC. Not that I blame you for your suspicions, girls like this are rarely good for LTRs because they have a ton of options and are used to getting away with stuff because of their looks. I would forget all this business about the movie myself, and just keep my eyes open for future red flags.

I like this quote from Desdinova, this is the way I've learned to live my life. And I also wake up every day knowing that it is a possibility the relationship might end at any time. Some people might think that sounds uncertain, but it's actually quite liberating in many ways:

The one think I keep in mind when I enter a LTR is "If this ends, I KNOW I'll be able to move on." It really changes your attitude toward a LTR when you believe that and know it's true. You don't become reliant on this one woman being the entire foundation of your happiness. You KNOW you can be happy without her.

 

[Serg897]

I think zekko is exactly right. You have this girl on a pedestal (even though you may not neccesarily want to), and having her is causing you stress as you anticipate infidelity on her part.

I say you have her on a pedestal because you seem to be failing to realize that looks aren't everything. If she really making **** up for your benefit, that should be a big red flag in your mind as to how much potential she really has for an LTR.

Forget about this. You dont have enough evidence to accuse her of anything, and constantly thinking about it is only going to cause you more stress and make you appear foolish and insecure to her. Very unattractive to her, considering how if she really is an HB9 she knows full well she can find another dude quite quickly. Like zekko says, just put it in the back of your mind but be mindful of future red flags.

Remember that everything is transient, and no relationship lasts forever. Just enjoy every moment you spend with her.

 

[Die Hard]

Too late, brother... I just left her home... It wasn't pretty...