Situational Neediness - GF became distant after going out of town - Going No Contact a good idea?

[HankHill]

"This is not working for me anymore.
All the best to you [name]"

You're stating what you feel. Then taking the appropriate action of letting her go and taking back control of the situation- because you can't control her only yourself. This is all you should do. If she wants more she'll text you back and let you know.

 

[CBear]

I want to cut her off from contact unless she's willing to win my trust back, which will take work.

Which is the EXACT same mindset I had when sending those messages before. Just do whatever you want, experience is the best teacher. I, as well as many of the other posters are just trying to help you based off of theirs'.

 

[HankHill]

Hmm okay, well it would be nice to act like a genuinely high class person who lets people off in a respectful way.

If you have a bad employee, you fire them for good, but you might butter them up while doing so they don't talk sh1t about your company.

You usually would say "This isn't working out. We really appreciate the effort you made. Here are your documents." You might even give them a severance package.

The exit interview would be the closure part.

Exactly! you're not going to text, call and then invite them to dinner...all the while when they're holding up the middle finger in your face and saying they'll get back to you when they find time. Come on man. And no one told you to be nasty to her.

 

[jacketrunner]

Which is the EXACT same mindset I had when sending those messages before. Just do whatever you want, experience is the best teacher. I, as well as many of the other posters are just trying to help you based off of theirs'

So was your problem the way you broke up, or was it your mindset after the fact?

 

[jacketrunner]

Exactly! you're not going to text, call and then invite them to dinner...all the while when they're holding up the middle finger in your face and saying they'll get back to you when you have time. Come on man. And no one told you to be nasty to her.

So the thing is, I like formality and respect, and everyone says that breaking up via text is disrespectful.

So at the very least I want to say something like: “I normally wouldn’t break up via text but I haven’t seen you in a month and can‘t communicate via call”

”this isnt working for me anymore, and it’s time to end it. I wish you the best”

 

[jacketrunner]

Maybe take out the ”communicate via call” part

 

[Die Hard]

Okay, so there's a few things I want from this interaction:

+Moral high ground (I want to have character)
+Satisfaction and self-respect


There's a few things I want to avoid:
+Regretting my decision later
+Being jerked around
+Treating her poorly if there was a legitimate misunderstanding

The thing is... if I send her a nice breakup message, then go completely dark on her, wouldn't that be better than sending some brief and cursory and then completely going dark.

If I do the first one, I am leaving her on a high note, and can be confident in just ignoring her from now on. She'll show the message to her family and they'll say "that's a nice breakup message, maybe he wasn't so bad".

If I do the second one, she'll show to her family and friends and they'll say "what an *******... you were right to leave him".

She's an only child who shares everything with her parents, and they always give her dating advice. I literally just met them, and they're great.

You're projecting things from the present into the future....

You're still attached to her, so you care what she thinks of you. Same goes for the parents.

But in the future you won't be attached to her anymore, so you won't care what she thinks of you at that point.

You need to take into account that who you are now is not who you'll be in the future. There's the now-you and the future-you. The now-you cares about the way she and her parents perceive you, but the future-you won't care about that. The future-you will care about moving on from a hurtful breakup (please don't delude yourself that you've already worked through the breakup and accepted it. Sure, with your rational brain you have, but not with your emotional system. You will still have to work through the stages of grieve emotionally and it will not be easy).
The now-you must realize that its current goals (maintaining a good image in the minds of her and her parents) are less important than the goals of the future-you (working through the breakup).

Trust me when I say that you will have a harder time working through the breakup when you end it with nice and praising words to her. Don't just take it from me, ask the rest of the board if their experiences have taught them the same as mine.

 

[HankHill]

No...sigh...you're not getting it. She doesn't deserve your respect. She has to earn respect. She's continuously been disrespectful to you, and in ways you're not even willing to believe. Yet you want to respect her, why? because like you said you still want her to like you. The problem is this will work against you. She already doesn't respect you and this will further lower your value in her eyes.

I'm done here, goodluck bro, as CBear said sometimes you have to learn things the hard way.

 

[jacketrunner]

You're projecting things from the present into the future....

You're still attached to her, so you care what she thinks of you. Same goes for the parents.

But in the future you won't be attached to her anymore, so you won't care what she thinks of you at that point.

You need to take into account that who you are now is not who you'll be in the future. There's the now-you and the future-you. The now-you cares about the way she and her parents perceive you, but the future-you won't care about that. The future-you will care about moving on from a hurtful breakup (please don't delude yourself that you've already worked through the breakup and accepted it. Sure, with your rational brain you have, but not with your emotional system. You will still have to work through the stages of grieve emotionally and it will not be easy).
The now-you must realize that its current goals (maintaining a good image in the minds of her and her parents) are less important than the goals of the future-you (working through the breakup).

Trust me when I say that you will have a harder time working through the breakup when you end it with nice and praising words to her. Don't just take it from me, ask the rest of the board if their experiences have taught them the same as mine.

Okay, that's a good point. You see, for me, there's a part of me that thinks that by walking away, I can bring her back on good terms. She was an amazing girlfriend when we were together.

Are you saying saying that's a completely fruitless enterprise and I will only be burned by it, or are you saying that I will be in a better position regardless if I don't say nice things about her?

 

[jacketrunner]

No...sigh...you're not getting it. She doesn't deserve your respect. She has to earn respect. She's continuously been disrespectful to you, and in ways you're not even willing to believe. Yet you want to respect her, why? because like you said you still want her to like you. The problem is this will work against you. She already doesn't respect you and this will further lower your value in her eyes.

I'm done here, goodluck bro, as CBear said sometimes you have to learn things the hard way.

Aight, you make a good point. I think the breakup in person thing is more for girls who are suffocating you.

Glad I found this forum lol.

 

[CBear]

So was your problem the way you broke up, or was it your mindset after the fact?

Both. I didn't want to seem like the bad guy and I cared too much. In their mind they're thinking "does this guy not have anything better to do? am I the only one he thinks about that he keep sending me all these nice messages even after I made it clear that I don't really care to see him anymore without saying it straight to his face? he just doesn't get the idea, I must've made the right decision". It's worth mentioning that one chick's parents loved me as well and pressured her to be with me. Same idea, changed nothing.

They're gonna wonder SO MUCH about you if you SHOW them that you dgaf and are doing well off without them.

It's tough but you have to except it. She was good for a time but now you know that she wasn't gonna be yours, it was just your turn.

 

[Die Hard]

So the thing is, I like formality and respect, and everyone says that breaking up via text is disrespectful.

So at the very least I want to say something like: “I normally wouldn’t break up via text but I haven’t seen you in a month and can‘t communicate via call”

”this isnt working for me anymore, and it’s time to end it. I wish you the best”

Respect?? Respect is given to those who deserve it! Is she treating you with respect now or in the last month? No! Perhaps she did in the past, but you're dealing with who she is NOW, not who she was in the past. She's being disrespectful, hurtful and inconsiderate to you. She's playing games with you. She's acting like an annoying little brat. And possibly, she's cheating on you.

Your views are very general and blunt. You like respect? What does that mean? You like treating everyone with respect? Even a person who punches your teeth out in the street and then runs off with your wallet??? Surely not... So you don't just like respect. You like to give respect to certain people and not to others. You probably give it to people who treat you good and not give it to people who treat you badly. Etc.... Do some reflection man... Don't kid yourself with nonsensical, non-meaning ideas like "I like respect".

Bytch is being a bytch. So no need to give her respect. The end. Unless....... you're secretly afraid that she'll never want you back if you don't treat her with respect during the breakup. Could be that you're secretly hoping to still get her back, and don't want to ruin your chances of getting her back by not showing respect, right?

Trust us, your chances at getting her back will actually be BETTER when you don't show her respect during the breakup. So don't let the fear of completely ruining your chances to get her back be a reason to show her respect during the breakup! You either understand this or not, I'm not gonna explain. If you don't get it, go read the DJ Bible, Rollo Tomassi etc and you'll get it after a month.

For now, you should be aware that all of us here have a combined experience which greatly outweighs your own experience. We're not all giving you the same advice by coincidence...

 

[jacketrunner]

I think I'm going to take the moral high ground. **** it.. BALLS TO THE WALL.

LET'S GO BITCHEZZZ... PREPARE TO GET EMOTIONALLY BURNED

 

[HankHill]

”this isnt working for me anymore, and it’s time to end it. I wish you the best.”

OK since you showed some signs of getting it, I'll give you my one last feedback - don't say it's time to end it. Why should you take that responsibility upon yourself and not let her carry part of it on her shoulders too? Let her figure out what your statement means. Let her ask if she's curious. There's a lot of value in being brief and mysterious.

However, you need to end this internally for your own sake, which you haven't done yet and will take time but you have to start the process.

 

[jacketrunner]

OK since you showed some signs of getting it, I'll give you my one last feedback - don't say it's time to end it. Why should you take that responsibility upon yourself and not let her carry part of it on her shoulders too? Let her figure out what your statement means. Let her ask if she's curious. There's a lot of value in being brief and mysterious.

However, you need to end this internally for your own sake, which you haven't done yet and will take time but you have to start the process.

If this is the case, there's no reason to even reply. I can just go dark and hook up with other girls.

 

[Die Hard]

I think I'm going to take the moral high ground. **** it.. BALLS TO THE WALL.

LET'S GO BITCHEZZZ... PREPARE TO GET EMOTIONALLY BURNED

Aaaaaand we lost him, guys!

You are seriously underestimating and neglecting all the shyt you will feel after the breakup...

I'm gonna stop responding here, seems to be a lost case. If I may suggest one more thing to you: Go read this thread: https://www.sosuave.net/forum/threa...-just-got-dumped.160056/page-559#post-2562657

The thread is literally about one thing: How guys deal with their breakups (a situation that you are not YET in but soon to be!). It's a wealth of experience and it will give you much insight into the situation that you will soon be in. Many of the accounts will also mention the topics that we're discussing in this thread.

 

[jacketrunner]

Aaaaaand we lost him, guys!

You are seriously underestimating and neglecting all the shyt you will feel after the breakup...

I'm gonna stop responding here, seems to be a lost case. If I may suggest one more thing to you: Go read this thread: https://www.sosuave.net/forum/threa...-just-got-dumped.160056/page-559#post-2562657

The thread is literally about one thing: How guys deal with their breakups (a situation that you are not YET in but soon to be!). It's a wealth of experience and it will give you much insight into the situation that you will soon be in. Many of the accounts will also mention the topics that we're discussing in this thread.

Lol now that I can't trust my gut I'm just going to ignore her for a little while. I have a fun weekend planned and that's probably the safest choice.

If anything, you prevented me from sending the text where I said I cared about her. If she calls me, I'll ignore it. If she texts me, I'll ignore her and/or make her come to me.

I was very confident in my approach before, now I'm uncertain.

 

[jacketrunner]

This guy makes a good point

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Lol now that I can't trust my gut I'm just going to ignore her for a little while. I have a fun weekend planned and that's probably the safest choice.

If anything, you prevented me from sending the text where I said I cared about her. If she calls me, I'll ignore it. If she texts me, I'll ignore her and/or make her come to me.

I was very confident in my approach before, now I'm uncertain.

Get enough new repetitions in some new puzzy. You'll be able to be objective and you won't be hoping and needing.

 

[Die Hard]

Lol now that I can't trust my gut I'm just going to ignore her for a little while. I have a fun weekend planned and that's probably the safest choice.

If anything, you prevented me from sending the text where I said I cared about her. If she calls me, I'll ignore it. If she texts me, I'll ignore her and/or make her come to me.

I was very confident in my approach before, now I'm uncertain.

Send the damn text that I suggested, tell her I'm breaking up, see you around, bye. It forces the situation to be resolved. Now there just happens NOTHING. Maybe you're different from me, but I can't stand that. I would keep thinking "Is she coming back or not? Are we still in a relationship or not? Is this the end or not? And this? And that? And blahblahblah?????"

You either are still together or you have broken up. You should force an outcome to the situation. And that's what happens if you send the suggested text. You make a firm decision to end things and tell her. Then you go dark and don't respond to her bullshyt. Either one of two things will happen:

1. She keeps sending insincere texts/voicemails, all bullshyt about how you are being unfair etc. trying to make you feel guilty blahblah instead of acknowledging her own bad behavior which she has shown since the day she went to her hometown.

In this case, you'll know that it's useless to have hope for the relationship to work again. If she acts in such an insincere way, it's no use talking to her or reasoning with her, she is obviously not prepared to be rational and fair in any discussions to you. End of story, you can't reason with an unreasonable person and you can't have a stable relatonship with them either. So in this case, you just stay silent and start letting go of her, realizing that it is over and it's never gonna be the way it was before. The end, move on to the next girl!

2. At one point, when she realizes all her insincere bullshyt won't get any reaction out of you, she might start to acknowledge her own mistakes. Depending on how seriously she goes about that, you could maybe decide to start talking to her again and see if things might be worked out between you. But she really has to show that she is reasonable and not playing games with you....

In this case, perhaps you get together again.

So whichever case it will be, either case 1 or case 2, the situation will be clear: you move on from her or you give her another chance. No uncertainty and indecision. Which is what you will have if you send her nothing.... Like how things are right now.... It's all just a crazy uncertain situation where you don't know what to make of things. And I can't believe that this uncertain situation doesn't have a negative effect on you, man.....

Take action, force the situation to be resolved, send the damn text "I'm breaking up with you, I'm sure you'll understand. Take care and maybe see you around". Then let the chips fall where they may... Take charge of the goddamn situation and your own fate instead of being a passive victim of the situation.