Situational Neediness - GF became distant after going out of town - Going No Contact a good idea?

[jacketrunner]

At the end of the day, she is a weak little girl and I am a man.

A man does not worry about being spiteful towards someone without power over him. He simply states his case and moves on.

 

[jacketrunner]

Yep. I was hoping it wasn’t going to turn out this way, but looks like it’s ended up as generally predicted. Breaking up with her is going to have to be the option. There’s a clear zero prioritization from her about you. No concern about you, no movement towards a condition with you = it’s over. But the great thing is that you’re fully aware of this. Many guys would seek to ‘patch things up’ or drag out the inevitable total end of it. It’s best to do it on your call, your deliberation. Both for your own pride and self determination - and in the off chance something in the distant future could happen between you two. Not that you’d want that once it rolls around (very typically you’re well over her then... too far to think and hope about).

My advice to you in how this plays out - she will try to drag it out somehow so that she’s in control and ultimately the one affirming the break up. She will seek you to ‘bend’ in your decision making on this. Either through self pity, sadness, anger, complete withdrawing, etc. I recommend keeping it very short and to the point. Don’t get into fully explaining it - that’s a big mistake at this point. State a quick reason (things aren’t the same between us as they were before, doesn’t matter what you say really), then cut the conversation. Exit stage left, whether it’s through text, phone, or in person. Do not let her drag it out, because she will turn it against you guaranteed. You can even experiment with this if you’d like.

The only condition I would give is if she clearly and fully states ‘I want to be with you’, or ‘I want to work this out with you’, ‘I’m sorry, I haven’t been...’ or something directly towards ‘fixing/resolving the relationship’. You’ll feel it if that is the case. If it’s sadness or ‘I can’t believe this is happening’ - that’s not the same at all. Don’t be fooled. It’s an orientation and focus on herself and her own misfeelings. Rather if she cares for the relationship, she would care how you feel, how things are with both of you. It would be softer.

That will not happen though (I’d say 100% not)... but now you know the condition if it was ‘resolvable’ to being positive between you two.

Keep it short and sweet. If you have to, do it over text or phone. I predict she will be apathetic to answering the phone even. Don’t get into it. Wish her the best, and don’t get into a texting war. Two or three texts MAX after the ‘breakup’ statement. Less is better. Don’t let her drag you into a explaination fest. Leave her texts unanswered after the final ‘all the best’. Positive, decisive and brief. Good luck.

You might not like this, but I’m actually going to give her a statement where I say overwhelmingly positive things about her, and that I still care about her, but firmly tell her that it’s time to end the relationship.

She is going to show this text to her family, who I met and really like. So I’m going to keep it classy and keep the moral high ground.

If she tries to come back, I will be honest: I wasnt being respected, she placed me in an unfair situation, and that it will be hard to trust her again.

When I got into a relationship with her, she never played games. This all started when she was out of town.

I will only get back in a relationship with her if she can gain my trust back, which will be hard to do. Because she will not be my girlfriend anymore, I won’t feel any more of an obligation to her.

There’s no need to overcomplicate things. I now realize that she doesn’t respect me anymore, and I need to end it so I can keep my integrity and self-respect.

By breaking out of the situation, I am just doing exactly what I should do when I’m in a relationship which only detracts from my life while providing no value.

 

[HankHill]

So as previously suspected she has another guy while stringing you along...only until the other option is a sure thing.

Dude. Do not call her. Do not give her more importance than she deserves! Doing so is not being a man, you're being a doormat at best. You're showing her by your actions that you value her above you, which will validate to her that her decision to leave you is right. You should be valuable enough for her to want to be with you, obviously she doesn't think so. She needs to feel (not words but by action) that she means nothing to you because of the way she did this. I'd dump her without any explanation or chit-chat.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

So as previously suspected she has another guy while stringing you along...only until the other option is a sure thing.

Dude. Do not call her. Do not give her more importance than she deserves! Doing so is not being a man, you're being a doormat at best. You're showing her by your actions that you value her above you, which will validate to her that her decision to leave you is right. You should be valuable enough for her to want to be with you, obviously she doesn't think so. She needs to feel (not words but by action) that she means nothing to you because of the way she did this. I'd dump her without any explanation or chit-chat.

Yeah bro, if you mean it there's nothing to say.

 

[jacketrunner]

So as previously suspected she has another guy while stringing you along...only until the other option is a sure thing.

Dude. Do not call her. Do not give her more importance than she deserves! Doing so is not being a man, you're being a doormat at best. You're showing her by your actions that you value her above you, which will validate to her that her decision to leave you is right. You should be valuable enough for her to want to be with you, obviously she doesn't think so. She needs to feel (not words but by action) that she means nothing to you because of the way she did this. I'd dump her without any explanation or chit-chat.

There is no direct evidence that there is another guy. I am going to break up with her in a nice way.

I don’t care if she thinks I think she’s more valuable to me. Caring about this fact would validate your point about her having higher value.

She does not have power over me once I break up with her, so why do I care if she thinks she’s more valuable than me?

If I take the moral high ground, then I will respect myself and my decision more.

I’m not trying to win her back, I’m trying to move on and respect myself and my integrity.

If I know that I acted in a classy fashion, and it wasn’t reciprocated, then she will not be able to guilt me back into a relationship.

I will know that I acted right, and that I deserve better.

 

[Die Hard]

I think that if you try to keep the moral high ground and say all nice and positive things to her during your breakup message, you'll regret it after the fact.

You speak wise words like

At the end of the day, she is a weak little girl and I am a man.

A man does not worry about being spiteful towards someone without power over him. He simply states his case and moves on.

I know that's how you would like to be, it's the ideal that you would want to be true to. But it's all rational thoughts.... Your feelings won't fall in line with these rational thoughts, trust me.

When the breakup is final, you'll have to go through the aftermath and it won't be pretty. It'll hurt and throw you off balance, actually it will KNOCK YOU DOWN, hard....

In those times, when you'll be in pain, you'll wish you didn't say all those nice things during the breakup. You'll probably hate yourself for it!

Do what you must, but I'll hate to tell you "I told you so...."


I'm not saying you need to be rude to her, by the way! Just be apathetic, no emotions, just business-like. I'd simply send her a text: "I'm breaking up with you, I'm sure you'll understand. Thanks for the good times, see you around"

She'll probably blow up your phone with calls and texts after that text. DON'T RESPOND! She's just gonna draw you into her drama, she'll try to make you emotional (read: weak and easier to be manipulated), she'll try to get the upper hand, she'll try to convince you to not give up on her blahblah. Then when you give into her and go into the process of giving her another chance, she'll eventyually dump you or cheat on you behind your back. That way, she'll be the 'winner'and it'll be easier for her to leave you behind. So don't fall for all of that, stay strong.

Sending her the breakup text and NOT RESPONDING to her emotional storm after it, will make you the 'winner' and it will make it easier for you to leave her behind.

Don't kid yourself, every breakup has a winner and a loser, there's no way around it. The one who gets dumped will feel considerably more hurt and will have a much harder time moving on. Make sure you won't be be that person. Yeah I know, you'll say that's no problem coz you are gonna breakup with her, not the other way around. But mark my words, once you've broken up, it'll be very hard not to give in to her when she tries to draw you back in. And while you engage in that process, you'll feel so happy that this 'might work out after all', only to get knocked down harder when eventually things fall apart and that time SHE will be dumping YOU. So she wins after all... And when that happens, you'll hate yourself for not sticking to silence in the past.

Women are fvcking whirpools. You'll swim at the outside of that whirpool, where its force is weak, but it's just the start of getting pulled in closer and closer to its center, very slowly, with each circle you make inside of its influence.

When you respond to her when she blows up your phone after the breakup, it's like swimming to the outside of the whirpool. Don't be stupid....


P.S. Fvck this bytch. I'm sorry for telling you about that possibility that you hurt her and she now wants you to make up for it blahblah. This is not the case, she's just being a cvnt, it's obvious. Women and their bullshyt... By now there are only two possible things to make from her behavior:

1. She's cheating on you
2. She's being a manipulative, untrustworthy, conniving piece of trash!

In both cases, she deserves what I suggested. Break up with her and be totally silent afterwards. She thinks you are weak and that she has you in her grasp, since you tried to get in contact with her today. So she won't know what hit her, and the silence will frustrate her very much. AND SHE DESERVES THAT! Fvck that moral highground stuff, that's just you responding to all the nice things she has shown to you in the past. Now she's showing you her dark side, which is disgusting, unfair to you, making you feel helpless for a month now. And that's what you have to respond to now! So don't be a moron, turning the other cheek when someone hits you on the one side... In the end, a breakup is a battlefield, don't kid yourself. One wins, the other loses. Which do you want to be?

 

[HankHill]

Oh lord!

At the end of the day, she is a weak little girl and I am a man.

You're mistaken. She's not weak at all, in fact, in her mind she's got two guys by their balls and she's the fvkn' pimp.

There is no direct evidence that there is another guy.

It's not my style to say stuff like this but seriously? what evidence do you want? a pic of another dude's jiz on her face? Her behavior towards you says it all. Even if she doesn't have another guy she's disrespected you in every interaction you've posted thus far by giving you barely any time or thought.

Validation isn‘t the issue here. I’m going to break up with her now, and want to do so in the most honorable way.

This is like a woman saying I don't care if a guy raped me, I'm going to send him flowers in jail because it's the honorable way and I'm taking the high road.

I don’t care if she thinks I think she’s more valuable to me..

You should care! what kind of an honorable man doesn't care about his own value and self worth especially when other people fvk them over?

If I take the moral high ground, then I will respect myself and my decision more.

No you won't. You'll wake up one day and regret this! You'll say to yourself how weak you were to not stand up for yourself. If another guy punches you in the face, are you going to shake his hand and bid him well? WTF?

If I know that I acted in a classy fashion, and it wasn’t reciprocated, then she will not be able to guilt me back into a relationship.
I will know that I acted right, and that I deserve better.

What? you should have enough self restraint to not need to fabricate these twisted reasons. You just want to do this because you want one last puff of that drug you've been on. Don't do it.

Having said all that no one's telling you to say mean things. Simply text something like "This is not working for me anymore. All the best to you" and then mic-drop!!

 

[jacketrunner]

I think that if you try to keep the moral high ground and say all nice and positive things to her during your breakup message, you'll regret it after the fact.

You speak wise words like

At the end of the day, she is a weak little girl and I am a man.

A man does not worry about being spiteful towards someone without power over him. He simply states his case and moves on.

I know that's how you would like to be, it's the ideal that you would want to be true to. But it's all rational thoughts.... Your feelings won't fall in line with these rational thoughts, trust me.

When the breakup is final, you'll have to go through the aftermath and it won't be pretty. It'll hurt and throw you off balance, actually it will KNOCK YOU DOWN, hard....

In those times, when you'll be in pain, you'll wish you didn't say all those nice things during the breakup. You'll probably hate yourself for it!

Do what you must, but I'll hate to tell you "I told you so...."


Not saying you need to be mean to her, by the way! Just be apathetic, no emotions, just business-like. I'd simply send her a text: "I'm breaking up with you, I'm sure you'll understand. Thanks for the good times, see you around"

She'll probably blow up your phone with calls and texts. DON'T RESPOND! She's just gonna draw you into her drama, she'll try to make you emotional (read: weak and easier to be manipulated), she'll try to get the upper hand, she'll try to convince you to not give up on her blahblah. Then when you give into her and go into the process of giving her another chance, she'll eventyually dump you or cheat on you behind your back. That way, she'll be the 'winner'and it'll be easier for her to leave you behind. So don't fall for all of that, stay strong.

Sending her the breakup text and NOT RESPONDING to her emotional storm after it, will make you the 'winner' and it will make it easier for you to leave her behind.

Don't kid yourself, every breakup has a winner and a loser, there's no way around it. The one who gets dumped will feel considerably more hurt and will have a much harder time moving on. Make sure you won't be be that person. Yeah I know, you'll say that's no problem coz you are gonna breakup with her, not the other way around. But mark my words, once you've broken up, it'll be very hard not to give in to her when she tries to draw you back in. And while you engage in that process, you'll feel so happy that this 'might work out after all', only to get knocked down harder when eventually things fall apart and that time SHE will be dumping YOU. So she wins after all... And when that happens, you'll hate yourself for not sticking to silence in the past.

Women are fvcking whirpools. You'll swim at the outside of that whirpool, where its force is weak, but it's just the start of getting pulled in closer and closer to its center, very slowly, with each circle you make inside of its influence.

When you respond to her when she blows up your phone after the breakup, it's like swimming to the outside of the whirpool. Don't be stupid....

I basically am saying that I still care about her and want the best for her, but that it’s time to end the relationship.

Im also telling her that I appreciated the little things she did for me, and loved meeting her family, and will mail her her stuff.

Look, she may try to suck me back in, but if she does, I will be on my guard.

By breaking up with her, I am putting myself in a position of power. When I am in a position of power, I treat my subordinates well.

I don’t want our breakup to be bitter and resentful. I want the softest landing possible.

 

[jacketrunner]

Based on everyone’s responses, it seems the important thing is not so much the message, but the way I handle her after the fact when she tries to get me back.

By sending her a very nice message, I could more confidently ignore her and be cold if she tries to get me back.

I want to leave her better than when I found her.

 

[jacketrunner]

Look at this way. If someone breaks up with you in a way that makes you feel worthless, you are more likely going to feel resentful, lacking in validation, want to get back at them and "win".

If someone breaks up with you in the nicest way possible, and shows that he cares about you unconditionally, you are going to be much less likely to have this mentality.

If a girl broke up with you nicely and respectfully, who you were treating with disrespect, wouldn't you be less likely to want to get back with her and then show her that you're the "winner"?

If she said "later, this isn't working out" that might be more immediately painful, but if she said "I still care about you but this isn't working out. I appreciated the times we had but this relationship is over.", you would be less likely to fall into a revenge/validation mode.

I don't want her to feel like she intensely needs my validation, and then when she gets it, she gets bored again.

I don't even necessarily want her back at this point, but the more validation I give her when I am in a powerful position, the more she can trust herself to submit to my power, which will be benevolent.

Maybe I'm wrong, but it's what I'm going to do.

 

[Die Hard]

Go ahead and send your nice message...

As the breakup ensues and you start thinking everything over, you'll realize that she treated you very badly and unfairly. And that thought will eat away at you!

Why? I treated her good, I was faithful to her, sure I had my mistakes but overall my intentions and behavior were good to her. So why did this happen? Why did she pull away from me? I didn't deserve that... Why did something that seemed so good suddenly had to die? Makes me feel sad....

And sad you will feel! And weak you will feel! And HURT you will feel! And at those times, you'll have a hard time to move on from it all. And then FINALLY, at some point, in all your sadness and hurting, you'll think to yourself "Bytch! I didn't deserve this!" Maybe you'll cry it out...

And this is the natural process. You will lose your urge to be good to her and you'll abandon that stupid moral high ground of not allowing yourself to feel negative emotions towards her. It's the only way to move on, that's just how humans work. At some point every guy will say to himself "Fvck you, bytch! I deserve better!" That's where the nice and polite feelings make place for anger towards her, you'll hate her for the hurt she has caused you and that's how you'll move on from her. You're just not at that point yet, coz you haven't fully experienced the sad and hurting phase.

But it will come, trust me. And at that point, you'll hate yourself for the fact that you stayed nice and caring in your breakup message.

But like I said, go ahead and deliver your foolish moral high ground message to her. I guess you'll have to learn the hard way... It took me many times to learn my lesson as well!

 

[jacketrunner]

Hmmm... you guys are changing my mind. I don't want to give her closure when she has a low interest level, it's true.

 

[jacketrunner]

But I want to respect myself at the same time, and not be bitter/resentful.

 

[jacketrunner]

Anger is one of the stages of grief.

I'm past that though. I've finally reached acceptance. I was ranting about her lack of texting the first week.

 

[jacketrunner]

Okay, so there's a few things I want from this interaction:

+Moral high ground (I want to have character)
+Satisfaction and self-respect


There's a few things I want to avoid:
+Regretting my decision later
+Being jerked around
+Treating her poorly if there was a legitimate misunderstanding

The thing is... if I send her a nice breakup message, then go completely dark on her, wouldn't that be better than sending some brief and cursory and then completely going dark.

If I do the first one, I am leaving her on a high note, and can be confident in just ignoring her from now on. She'll show the message to her family and they'll say "that's a nice breakup message, maybe he wasn't so bad".

If I do the second one, she'll show to her family and friends and they'll say "what an *******... you were right to leave him".

She's an only child who shares everything with her parents, and they always give her dating advice. I literally just met them, and they're great.

 

[CBear]

A year ago, a girl I used to go out with just lost interest all of a sudden. Whenever something like this would happen, I would send last messages like "you're a great girl it just wasn't meant to be. If you ever need anything, I'm here for you". I thought the same way you did. Maybe they'd come back. I don't want to come off as a jerk in this relationship. Now I cringe when I think about it. Just reading it from another point of view gets you to understand better. This in fact made them feel good for what they did.
That time, however, I asked her wtf is up and said that if theres no point let's just move on. She agreed and I gave her a thumbs up and forgot about her for a year.

Fast forward a year of no contact and we run into eachother again and she's telling me how sh1tty she felt for "treating me badly" and how she's so sorry. After that she begged me to go out with her again (that shouldn't be your goal).

Moral of the story, don't make them feel like a good girl for making you feel like sht just because you treated them well. They'll get the idea when you truly dgaf and they will eventually realize what they lost.

 

[jacketrunner]

For example, before she went on her first date with me, she asked her mom whether it was a good idea. Her family has been always hearing about me from the start of when I saw her.

One time, her Dad (a very wealthy man who sees her as his precious little princess) told her to give me "the runaround" when I wasn't sending her texts.

I met her entire family recently, and legitimately bonded with them. They're good people, and she shares everything with them. They deeply love their daughter, and I kinda relate to them on that level, if that makes sense. Her aunt bought me food when I was missing a debit card, her mom made me several dinners, and her cousin gives me interesting business tips.

Thus, if I break up, they will all see this message, and I want them to see that I do and did care about her. She's a real person, not just a treacherous b*tch, even if she is one.

 

[HankHill]

The thing is... if I send her a nice breakup message, then go completely dark on her, wouldn't that be better than sending some brief and cursory and then completely going dark.

If I do the first one, I am leaving her on a high note, and can be confident in just ignoring her from now on. She'll show the message to her family and they'll say "that's a nice breakup message, maybe he wasn't so bad".

If I do the second one, she'll show to her family and friends and they'll say "what an *******... you were right to leave him".

She's an only child who shares everything with her parents, and they always give her dating advice. I literally just met them, and they're great.

Just as I had suspected. Deep down you still want her to like you, you even want her family to like you. Which is understandable, we've all been there. But you're wanting to do this moral high ground crap from a position of weakness. People can see right through it and you come across as a weak puppy dog, I don't know you from adam but if I can see it I bet she senses it in every interaction you have with her and why she hasn't given you the time of day in all these weeks. Completely the opposite of what you want to portray even if you want her to come back at some point down the road. You need to get the 'F her' attitude now or you'll keep digging yourself deeper into this. A man who's been done wrong doesn't give a flyn' F about her or her family he simply says to himself 'F you b*tch, I deserve better'. To her he says what I wrote earlier and moves the F on letting her wonder and question her decisions.

 

[jacketrunner]

A year ago, a girl I used to go out with just lost interest all of a sudden. Whenever something like this would happen, I would send last messages like "you're a great girl it just wasn't meant to be. If you ever need anything, I'm here for you"..

So the difference in my messaging is that I want to say nice things, but not tell her I'll be there for her. I want to cut her off from contact unless she's willing to win my trust back, which will take work.

 

[jacketrunner]

> A man who's been done wrong doesn't give a flyn' F about her or her family he simply says to himself 'F you b*tch, I deserve better'. To her he says what I wrote earlier and moves the F on letting her wonder and question her decisions.

Hmm okay, well it would be nice to act like a genuinely high class person who lets people off in a respectful way.

If you have a bad employee, you fire them for good, but you might butter them up while doing so they don't talk sh1t about your company.

You usually would say "This isn't working out. We really appreciate the effort you made. Here are your documents." You might even give them a severance package.

The exit interview would be the closure part.