Situational Neediness - GF became distant after going out of town - Going No Contact a good idea?

[jacketrunner]

So you made the hurtful comments while you were visiting her in her hometown? And her distant behavior started right after that talk or did it actually start before that talk already?

Started after, but she may have been stressed for other reasons as well.

 

[Die Hard]

Well, you know that best... But from what you're saying, it really seems that her behavior was triggered by those condescending comments. Let me put it this way, right now it seems there are two possible reasons for her behavior:

A. She's seeing another guy
B. Your condescending comments

And it seems to me that the probability is 85% for option A and 15% for option B. Would you agree with that?

If so, you really need to quit thinking about cheating on her etc. coz those thoughts only fit into the narrative of option B.

 

[jacketrunner]

Not sure I understand your logic on “stop thinking about cheating if option B is true”.

However, if she’s seeing another guy, it’s in her hometown, which is 100+ miles away from where I live and where both of our jobs are.

So there’s no way of knowing. I don’t have enough data to calculate any sense of probability here.

I just want to make sure I’m making the right move by going no contact and not calling her, which is what she keeps complaining I don’t do whenever she’s had a few drinks (when I called her on the spot she said she couldn’t answer, but texted me the next day asking what I was up to).

It’s putting me in a really weird spot.

 

[Die Hard]

How about this theory:

You love her and it makes you feel weak and dependent. Therefor, you're always acting a bit harsh to her, in an attempt to keep her from seeing how much you actually care about her, coz that would give her power over you. Only....you're overdoing it, often being a bit TOO harsh, which she finds difficult to deal with... But she always accepted it, trying to keep the peace between you. In the meantime, it kept frustrating her but she just always pushed those feelings aside. And we all know how that works, eventually all those pent-up frustrations will come out all at once... Perhaps her behavior is just that, she's finally making a stand, thinking "I've had it with his inconsiderate behavior!" and now expects you to make up for all that.

It's just a theory for you to think about. I don't want to put wrong ideas in your head, coz if you start believing that this theory is correct (and you start acting nice to her because of that) while it is NOT correct, you will mess up big time by acting nice to her.

So just use it as a working theory and explore it, see if there is evidence proving it correct. Don't jump to conclusions!


About fvcking other women.... You were playing with that thought, right? But it only makes sense to fvck other women if she is cheating on you or if this relationship is over. So if she's just very frustrated with your behavior and there's a possibility for you and her to work this siutation out, you shouldn't fvck other women. EDIT: I get your confusion, I said thoughts about cheating only fit into the narrative of option B, but I meant option A!!

 

[jacketrunner]

That might be true. Should I call her then?

 

[jacketrunner]

I’m actually okay with the distance now. I was able to emotionally detach myself significantly over the past month.

 

[jacketrunner]

What p1sses me off is that she pulls this sh1t when out of town, which makes it impossible to resolve bc we never see each other.

It’s not a fair situation to put me in, when I have a job, etc.

 

[jacketrunner]

She did say she’s lmk when she’s in town when I asked her, and she wasn’t in town this weekend (I know this via Snapchat)

 

[jacketrunner]

Before, it ate me up inside to wait it out. Now, it’s what I’d rather be doing.

However, maybe bc my perspective shifted, I’m now in the perfect mind frame to call her.

 

[Die Hard]

What did I say? Don't jump to conclusions, give yourself time to think things through. I just shared a possible theory and you jump right on it like a hungry wolf on a piece of meat, coz it would give you a reason to call her.

Get yourself in check! I know you want closure and it sucks to have no control over the situation, but you have to be strong and not let those urges determine your behavior.

Even if you try to arrange a meeting where you can talk things through with her, you need to come across strong, not needy. If she feels you need her more than she needs you, you're fvcked.

It's a game of chess, don't act on impulses but think about your next moves, let it be calculated moves!

Now calm the fvck down and be confident that you will handle this situation as best as you can. You will! As long as you stay in control of yourself...

 

[jacketrunner]

Thanks I'm aight... after reading a post from BeExcellent, I've decided I'm going to wait this out: https://www.sosuave.net/forum/threa...en-if-its-your-own-fault.250748/#post-2560811

I think if anything, I need to be even more aggressive with my distance.

 

[jacketrunner]

The lack of closure is the annoying part. On Saturday, I went out with some friends and their girlfriends, and they were scolding me for wanting to hit on other girls. They told me she was probably hurt and insecure about how I liked her and how I left early, and that I should call her first.

Luckily, not all my friends are like that. When I take a step back, it's a ridiculous and funny situation to be in.

But it's been very close to literally a month since I've seen my girlfriend. Like what the heII haha

I think if I call her, it should be to break it off, although my personal philosophy is that breakups should happen in person.

 

[jacketrunner]

I'll let Mick Jagger inspire me:

 

[jacketrunner]

Update: since it had been over a week since I reached out, and she had initiated the contact the last couple times. I tried calling her tonight, and sent her a text to lmk if she could talk.

She hasn’t answered yet, which tells me all I need to know.

I am now confident enough to consider the relationship over, and feel a sense of peace.

When she does reach out, which will happen eventually, I will listen to what she has to say, and unless her explanation clears literally every cobweb (unlikely), then I will compassionately break up with her (or let her break up with me... I do not want to break up out of spite or even care about ‘winning’, it’s clearly not working at this point).

One book I read that really helped my mindset is “What Women Want When They Test Men”, by Bruce Bryans.

It emphasizes the importance of having strong principles as a man, and putting those above any one woman. It also emphasizes concepts such as “leave the girl better when you found her”, lead the relationship, agree and amplify, strong boundaries, be okay with your vulnerabilities (but don’t unload them early in the relationship), don’t be afraid to make your needs clear, etc.

Essentially, I think rather than try a ‘strategy’ to get this one girl back, I should focus on being my strongest self, stand up for myself while treating her with compassion, and letting her come to me if she ultimately wants to put in the necessary investment.

My mindset before was focused on getting her back with a strategy. My mindset now is focused on being my best self, and empathizing rather than resenting.

I don’t want to worry about winning games anymore. If the girl I’m with plays them, I will first make sure that she’s not doing so out of insecurity that can be resolved with love, and if she won’t tell me why, then she is out.

 

[Thatfeel21]

Keep us updated. I learn a lot through the outcomes of posts like these.

 

[jacketrunner]

Keep us updated. I learn a lot through the outcomes of posts like these.

Thanks, she finally replied today with a BS excuse (work and headaches).

Said she’d “call me when she can"

Frankly, I’m not going to put up with this anymore. I will ignore text, try calling her again tonight with the express purpose of meeting her in person to break up with her.

If she doesn’t answer, I will send her a nice, manganimous breakup text. No resentment, but I’ve had it.

When a girl starts acting like this, I think you need to walk.

 

[RedScorpion]

Yep. I was hoping it wasn’t going to turn out this way, but looks like it’s ended up as generally predicted. Breaking up with her is going to have to be the option. There’s a clear zero prioritization from her about you. No concern about you, no movement towards a condition with you = it’s over. But the great thing is that you’re fully aware of this. Many guys would seek to ‘patch things up’ or drag out the inevitable total end of it. It’s best to do it on your call, your deliberation. Both for your own pride and self determination - and in the off chance something in the distant future could happen between you two. Not that you’d want that once it rolls around (very typically you’re well over her then... too far to think and hope about).

My advice to you in how this plays out - she will try to drag it out somehow so that she’s in control and ultimately the one affirming the break up. She will seek you to ‘bend’ in your decision making on this. Either through self pity, sadness, anger, complete withdrawing, etc. I recommend keeping it very short and to the point. Don’t get into fully explaining it - that’s a big mistake at this point. State a quick reason (things aren’t the same between us as they were before, doesn’t matter what you say really), then cut the conversation. Exit stage left, whether it’s through text, phone, or in person. Do not let her drag it out, because she will turn it against you guaranteed. You can even experiment with this if you’d like.

The only condition I would give is if she clearly and fully states ‘I want to be with you’, or ‘I want to work this out with you’, ‘I’m sorry, I haven’t been...’ or something directly towards ‘fixing/resolving the relationship’. You’ll feel it if that is the case. If it’s sadness or ‘I can’t believe this is happening’ - that’s not the same at all. Don’t be fooled. It’s an orientation and focus on herself and her own misfeelings. Rather if she cares for the relationship, she would care how you feel, how things are with both of you. It would be softer.

That will not happen though (I’d say 100% not)... but now you know the condition if it was ‘resolvable’ to being positive between you two.

Keep it short and sweet. If you have to, do it over text or phone. I predict she will be apathetic to answering the phone even. Don’t get into it. Wish her the best, and don’t get into a texting war. Two or three texts MAX after the ‘breakup’ statement. Less is better. Don’t let her drag you into a explaination fest. Leave her texts unanswered after the final ‘all the best’. Positive, decisive and brief. Good luck.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Thanks, she finally replied today with a BS excuse (work and headaches).

Said she’d “call me when she can"

Frankly, I’m not going to put up with this anymore. I will ignore text, try calling her again tonight with the express purpose of meeting her in person to break up with her.

If she doesn’t answer, I will send her a nice, manganimous breakup text. No resentment, but I’ve had it.

When a girl starts acting like this, I think you need to walk.

Don't call her dude. She likes your validation. Ignore her. If she knows where you live she knows how to reach you.

 

[RedScorpion]

Don't call her dude. She likes your validation. Ignore her. If she knows where you live she knows how to reach you.

I understand the idea behind this, and this is something I’d normally advocate as well. But I have the feeling that she’s not going to really care while he’s languishing in the limbo zone of ‘Alright, I’m still technically in a relationship... I shouldn’t be macking on other girls’. And then suddenly a couple months later, he’ll find out indirectly that she’s declared another boyfriend.

 

[jacketrunner]

Don't call her dude. She likes your validation. Ignore her. If she knows where you live she knows how to reach you.

Validation isn‘t the issue here. I’m going to break up with her now, and want to do so in the most honorable way.

In fact, when I break up with her, I’m going to give her genuine praise and compliments, but also take a firm stance.

This is the path that if taken, will cause me to respect myself the most. If I respect myself, then I will no longer tolerate disrespect and won’t have to resort to games or fears about validation.