Sick of hearing about ex.

[dark god]

And what are you going to do when she brings him up again?

F*CK her wh*re friend lol

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

My take is a little different. Her ex is dead, right? That means she is never going back to him. Ever. Obviously. So really he is not competition in a literal sense. Did they have a wonderful relationship and she loved him & misses him? Yes? Ok. The way you build something with this woman is you quit being butthurt about her dead ex and you be understanding about it. He’s gone. You are here and alive. So is she.

She is capable of being with someone to the end. She is capable of a quality relationship. That is tough to find these days. That has value.

My grandmother was widowed at age 43 after being married to her high school sweetheart for 25 years. My grandfather was the love of her life. After 18 years of being single my grandmother married her second husband, who she was with until his death at 83. My grandmother was then 91. They were married 30 years. My granny knew how to be a great wife. Her second husband had also lost his first wife so they understood between themselves about that. When each died they were laid to rest alongside their first spouse. This was simply understood. Neither spent time being jealous of the other’s prior marriage. They had photos on the wall of their respective children, and there were photos and remembrances of the respective first spouses too, although not prominently displayed. They lived in his house, which had been decorated by his late first wife. It wasn’t to my grandmother’s taste but she understood that was a connection he had to his late first wife so she never changed the decor.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with you communicating your displeasure with her constantly talking about her late ex. She feels comfortable being open with you. You feel like second fiddle & that he is beyond reproach because he’s dead. That is you feeling inadequate more than anything else. You felt dissed over this guy before & you feel inferior still. You should not have pursued this relationship at all under those circumstances. You can never change that she chose him over you back years ago…and now you are allowing this perceived competition with his ghost to undermine the interaction now.

Stop it. You will poison things between you with your insecurity and inferiority complex. So what if she mentions him sometimes. Don’t teach her NOT to share & confide in you. That destroys intimacy. It also reduces her emotional investment in you.

This arises out of your internal dialogue. She must mourn and release him over time and the grieving process varies from person to person. You have made it clear that you resent that chapter in her life. You are jealous of a dead man. This is not good for you.

In time she will make someone a great partner. Perhaps you. But you gotta let this go. You are here & live. He isn’t. So he cannot compete with you anymore. You win. That’s how you need to see it. Otherwise you are allowing old hurts to prevail in this renewed interaction.

Just my .02 cents.

 

[metalwater]

Advice from the old lady:

My take is a little different. Her ex is dead, right? That means she is never going back to him. Ever. Obviously. So really he is not competition in a literal sense. Did they have a wonderful relationship and she loved him & misses him? Yes? Ok. The way you build something with this woman is you quit being butthurt about her dead ex and you be understanding about it. He’s gone. You are here and alive. So is she.

She is capable of being with someone to the end. She is capable of a quality relationship. That is tough to find these days. That has value.

My grandmother was widowed at age 43 after being married to her high school sweetheart for 25 years. My grandfather was the love of her life. After 18 years of being single my grandmother married her second husband, who she was with until his death at 83. My grandmother was then 91. They were married 30 years. My granny knew how to be a great wife. Her second husband had also lost his first wife so they understood between themselves about that. When each died they were laid to rest alongside their first spouse. This was simply understood. Neither spent time being jealous of the other’s prior marriage. They had photos on the wall of their respective children, and there were photos and remembrances of the respective first spouses too, although not prominently displayed. They lived in his house, which had been decorated by his late first wife. It wasn’t to my grandmother’s taste but she understood that was a connection he had to his late first wife so she never changed the decor.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with you communicating your displeasure with her constantly talking about her late ex. She feels comfortable being open with you. You feel like second fiddle & that he is beyond reproach because he’s dead. That is you feeling inadequate more than anything else. You felt dissed over this guy before & you feel inferior still. You should not have pursued this relationship at all under those circumstances. You can never change that she chose him over you back years ago…and now you are allowing this perceived competition with his ghost to undermine the interaction now.

Stop it. You will poison things between you with your insecurity and inferiority complex. So what if she mentions him sometimes. Don’t teach her NOT to share & confide in you. That destroys intimacy. It also reduces her emotional investment in you.

This arises out of your internal dialogue. She must mourn and release him over time and the grieving process varies from person to person. You have made it clear that you resent that chapter in her life. You are jealous of a dead man. This is not good for you.

In time she will make someone a great partner. Perhaps you. But you gotta let this go. You are here & live. He isn’t. So he cannot compete with you anymore. You win. That’s how you need to see it. Otherwise you are allowing old hurts to prevail in this renewed interaction.

Just my .02 cents.

no no no,

we are in support of the man in this case. her continuing to talk about a dude that took her and fcked her, and how much she liked it, in any way other than being somehow disgusted with the other man is bad for our man's soul. as a therapist looking to keep them together perhaps your understanding of the woman's internals would help. in this case, we care about the man, and having the woman continue to take shots at his esteem and soal by keeping alive the topic of the man that mogged him is almost the worst. only second to the initial choice she made to humiliate him.

 

[dark god]

Advice from the old lady:

My take is a little different. Her ex is dead, right? That means she is never going back to him. Ever. Obviously. So really he is not competition in a literal sense. Did they have a wonderful relationship and she loved him & misses him? Yes? Ok. The way you build something with this woman is you quit being butthurt about her dead ex and you be understanding about it. He’s gone. You are here and alive. So is she.

She is capable of being with someone to the end. She is capable of a quality relationship. That is tough to find these days. That has value.

My grandmother was widowed at age 43 after being married to her high school sweetheart for 25 years. My grandfather was the love of her life. After 18 years of being single my grandmother married her second husband, who she was with until his death at 83. My grandmother was then 91. They were married 30 years. My granny knew how to be a great wife. Her second husband had also lost his first wife so they understood between themselves about that. When each died they were laid to rest alongside their first spouse. This was simply understood. Neither spent time being jealous of the other’s prior marriage. They had photos on the wall of their respective children, and there were photos and remembrances of the respective first spouses too, although not prominently displayed. They lived in his house, which had been decorated by his late first wife. It wasn’t to my grandmother’s taste but she understood that was a connection he had to his late first wife so she never changed the decor.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with you communicating your displeasure with her constantly talking about her late ex. She feels comfortable being open with you. You feel like second fiddle & that he is beyond reproach because he’s dead. That is you feeling inadequate more than anything else. You felt dissed over this guy before & you feel inferior still. You should not have pursued this relationship at all under those circumstances. You can never change that she chose him over you back years ago…and now you are allowing this perceived competition with his ghost to undermine the interaction now.

Stop it. You will poison things between you with your insecurity and inferiority complex. So what if she mentions him sometimes. Don’t teach her NOT to share & confide in you. That destroys intimacy. It also reduces her emotional investment in you.

This arises out of your internal dialogue. She must mourn and release him over time and the grieving process varies from person to person. You have made it clear that you resent that chapter in her life. You are jealous of a dead man. This is not good for you.

In time she will make someone a great partner. Perhaps you. But you gotta let this go. You are here & live. He isn’t. So he cannot compete with you anymore. You win. That’s how you need to see it. Otherwise you are allowing old hurts to prevail in this renewed interaction.

Just my .02 cents.

Wait..she dissed me for ANOTHER guy 9 years ago.
This new guy is somebody she met like 3 years ago..she self admitted that dead guy was a "on again off again bf"..in reality she dated him for 6 months, broke up with him for a YEAR AND HALF..( she went no contact and he pretty much stalked her) she decided to give him a second shot and dated again for like 4 months, then he died.

 

[BeExcellent]

Wait..she dissed me for ANOTHER guy 9 years ago.
This new guy is somebody she met like 3 years ago..she self admitted that dead guy was a "on again off again bf"..in reality she dated him for 6 months, broke up with him for a YEAR AND HALF..( she went no contact and he pretty much stalked her) she decided to give him a second shot and dated again for like 4 months, then he died.

Ok. Good that she didn’t dump you for him. So there isn’t that going on. He’s still dead. You are still here.

Look. You chose to get involved with her again, knowing all the above. She is still grieving so some understanding of that is warranted. You are also well within rights to say “enough” which you have done.

So from here you move forward and see how it goes. Is this a woman you want a serious LTR with or is she more casual than that?

Sometimes people’s connections run deeper than the nature of the relationship appears.

If she is otherwise what/who you want give it time & some kindness. You never know how someone else is healing after a loss. Be in the moment, concentrate on the developing interaction between you, have fun & don’t be jealous of the late ex.

She’s too busy between his memory and your current relationship to have bandwidth for some other guy….this ultimately benefits you. But don’t teach her NOT to confide in you. That damages the intimacy between you two.

My boyfriend used to go on about his high school sweetheart ad nauseum. How he should have married her (she wanted kids and him to take care of her financially), how she was so beautiful etc. I was very patient about all that. He was running a fantasy script through his mind, which I understood so it didn’t bother me so much as it amused me. I asked him one time why he does that. She is God knows where, with children & spouse(s) and whatever else. She isn’t 16 anymore and is extremely unlikely to look the same…but he does this (the what if thing) at times. He does the same with me. He says I wish I would have met you 30 years ago, my life would be so different. I have to remind him that 30 years ago he was 15 and I was 23 and I would never have given him the time of day then. He was jailbait!

My point is I didn’t get jealous or weird about this. Why would I? She is a regret from his past seen through rose colored glasses and filtering out all the reasons he broke up with her. I know this. I am real in the here & now.

I didn’t tell him to stop talking about it, I just asked him why he had this regret. After he looked at it in a more real light (instead of the fantasy script) he brought up all the reasons he didn’t marry her in his youth. There were excellent reasons not to be with her. It hasn’t come up much at all since. And I did not come off insecure about some fantasy script his mind has run in a feedback loop for years.

Your situation is different but similar. Handle her with some patience, curiosity and kindness. This will fade in time. Telling her to squelch it cuts her off from you in some ways and is in my opinion a missed opportunity to create deeper intimacy.

Just some thoughts. Take or leave.

 

[Barrister]

I would be ready to move on. If they had been together/married for 30 years it’s one thing. Dating for a year? It’s a bit unreasonable that she continues to bring him up. Has you establishing a boundary kept her from discussing it with you? Perhaps you give it a bit before you call it off since you warned her by establishing a boundary. If she doesn’t stop - you need to think about moving on.

She sees this guy as perfect just because he died before relationship rot set in. You will always be (unfairly) held to that standard.

 

[DonJuanjr]

It seems like females pedestalize men who died while seeing them. Even if the guys wouldn't have made the psychological impact(alpha widowed) on them if they hadn't died. No one will live up to the dead dude.

 

[BeExcellent]

@BeExcellent I gotta disagree with you and very much agree with the guys. I think her dead boyfriend is very much competition for our OP in the literal sense.

Their relationship didn't end because they were fighting, or were having bad sex or because of cheating or for any other reasons most couples break up.

It ended because he died and as such she will forever have him on a pedestal, has only good positive memories of him and their time together, no man will ever measure up.

Oh sure she might love again but not like THAT. The new man will always be second in her heart which is the most important place for a man to be.

I have my own story about this. Last year I dated a man whose wife had passed away from cancer. The first couple months were great but then as real feelings began to emerge, he started feeling guilty, all the feelings he had been suppressing rose to the surface and he became depressed and it was clear to me he would never love me like he loved her (perhaps understandably) - in his mind and heart, she would always be number one.

I needed more than that for myself so I ended our relationship.

The guys here may have different reasons for feeling the way they do but it all comes down to the same thing -- our OP is number TWO in her mind and heart and well, most likely she's comparing him sexually to her late boyfriend as well since for many women sex and emotion go hand and hand.

Then the OP should not date her. Simple. This is not rocket science. If he cannot accept this possibility then he needs to move on. But this resides entirely with him. His constructed inferiority to the late ex within his own mind.

No two relationships are the same. Therefore it’s not an apples to apples comparison. But if OP makes it an apples to apples comparison then that is indicative of his issues.

Look. If what @catsmeow says above is true then OP will forever feel inadequate next to his GF’s late ex no matter if she mentions it ever again or not. It’s on him. It’s not like this is going away if she never says another word. He should not date a chick who will pedestalize the relationship to some degree. That is natural & normal. Doesn’t matter. The ex is gone. The question is does OP have the self confidence to move forward in spite of this. I don’t think so. She left him for someone else once, he feels inadequate compared to the late ex, he feels in competition with the late ex.

Don’t date her in that case. But she’s pretty…so what…but now’s my chance…not if your own insecurities screw it up, which they will.

My best girlfriend dated a man who lost his on/off girlfriend. Very similar situation. She never worried about the ex girlfriend because she was gone. And my girlfriend had dated him prior to him choosing his late ex over her in the past. She never felt in competition with the dead gf. Why? She accepted that they had a unique relationship that had no bearing on the current interaction. Yes he chose her before. But in her absence he was very happy with my girlfriend. It was never a competition because my girlfriend never thought of it that way and has high value & high self worth.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

She’s using you as her emotional healing tampon. Once she’s done healing, you’re most likely gone. You’re right in your evaluation that she’s not ready to date yet…
Classic case of back burner guy promoted to front burner as needed.

The tampons position costs you in various ways.

 

[dark god]

@BeExcellent

Our OP may not want that, perhaps he just wants to keep her as a plate but is nevertheless sick of her talking about her

DING DING DING..true I dont have control over who she talks about..but I do..Appearently Talking about exes is not a 2 way street lol. Yea she chilled out after I started talking about mine.

 

[DonJuanjr]

I finally told her I'm tired about hearing about this guy..I'm mean he's been dead for a year now..if she had a problem with that then kick rocks..she shut up and stuck around..go figure

DING DING DING..true I dont have control over who she talks about..but I do..Appearently Talking about exes is not a 2 way street lol. Yea she chilled out after I started talking about mine.

So she started bringing him up again, after you said you were tired of hearing about him? Then you started talking about your exes?

 

[dark god]

So she started bringing him up again, after you said you were tired of hearing about him? Then you started talking about your exes?

Yes sir..childish? Yes. Effective? Most definetly lol

 

[DonJuanjr]

Yes sir..childish? Yes. Effective? Most definetly lol

Good to know.