Should I marry her?

[Crossroader]

Been lurking here a while but could really use some perspective guys, especially from the happily married dudes...

Been dating this girl for about a year and a half. The relationship has had it's ups and downs due to me generally being the selfish ahole that I am and her being bipolar (NOT bpd), along with other reasons I will get into. Although she has the mood swings at times she has been extremely loyal, never even looked at another guy in front of me, absolutely head over heels for me. She's also very big on the principle of loyalty in a relationship (she watched her cheating mom ruin their family as a kid). She's 26, a HB8.5 and for a female is very intelligent/perceptive. Also quite witty, the only girl I ever dated who made me laugh on a consistent basis. Loves sex and can't get enough. Good in the sack and down for pretty much whatever. Always does me small favors and is very considerate in general. She has always been very supportive of my hobbies and has helped me here and there running small errands for my business.

Now onto the bad: She happens to be extremely religious. We were both raised in the same pseudo-cult like Christian religion, but I parted ways from it years ago and she is still a rabid believer. In fact she was excommunicated from said religion for being in a relationship (having sex out of wedlock) with me. So she has really been pushing the marriage agenda so that she can get back in the good graces of the church. Also, she's madly in love with me so of course it's something she'd no doubt want eventually anyway. She's pointed out that she's sacrificed her beliefs for the past year and half for me and marriage would allow her to do what's important to her, spiritually.

Even if I marry her I'm worried about if we ever had kids (which I know she wants at some point, I mean, she *is* a woman) and the fact that she'd no doubt want to raise them in said religion, which is very controlling of it's followers lives in general. On the other hand being raised in that religion kept me out of a lot of trouble when I was younger and when I look around and see what kids are doing these days, it almost doesn't seem to be a bad idea as a protective measure. But maybe I'm just rationalizing...

Anyway, all this stuff has been a source of friction lately, and I'm really feeling confused as to what to do. I read all this stuff in the manosphere about how scandalous and duplicitous females are and this one has never been like that for a second. She also believes in the Christian model of headship within a relationship/marriage, and recognizes that feminism is dumb and the damage it's wrought. So basically I'm sitting here thinking, do I have one of the good ones and would I be foolish to not marry her? She's a hottie, down to earth (most of the time), doesn't care about money (came from a poor upbringing), loves sex, stays in shape, etc.

On the other hand: she's a semi religious-nut (mind you in a religion where any sort of infidelity is swiftly disciplined with excommunication and social shaming, so there's the silver lining haha), bipolar (tends to get angry really quickly in a disagreement and has gotten near suicidal a couple times after we got in big arguments), talks A LOT (probably more than any other girl I've been around, it can get quite tedious at times), and I know she is secretly hoping I will rejoin the fold of said religion someday, which is pretty damn unlikely (though she is never pushy about it and respects that I have a different perspective on it). Though honestly that is one area we pretty much stay away from conversationally since it can get heated since we both have different views on the whole thing...

So what do you guys think? Should I stay or should I go?

 

[SecondHalf]

Hard to advise you on this one Crossroader.
I've never been religious, but did have a religious GF once.

If you want a woman you can lead around by the nose, a religious one would do.
Why I ended up dropping that GF, is the chance was too high that I would eventually encounter something I couldn't deal with.
Would the legs close due to my lack of religion?
Would the church get in the way of life?
Would she want to donate 10% of my money?

Nobody can really advise you on this one.
You need to figure out if there are any "showstoppers", or that perhaps you can't live without her (also a reason do bolt ).

Good luck,

SH

 

[search1ng]

If she's a good egg, attractive, supportive and the only negative is that she wants you to potentially save your soul. What's the problem?

We say stay away from bad, BPD, life-sucking tramps. Generally, the goal has always been to find that woman that will inspire you.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear CrossRoader,
How's the Fishin?

 

[Bible_Belt]

bipolar...talks A LOT

That's part of being bipolar. It's the "mania," when she is "up."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bipolar_disorder
Bipolar disorder...describes a category of mood disorders defined by the presence of one or more episodes of abnormally elevated energy levels, cognition, and mood with or without one or more depressive episodes.

People think of bipolars as having fits of rage, which they do, but most of the time, they just seem like they have a lot of energy.

 

[5string]

Dear CrossRoader,
How's the Fishin?

Dear Scaramouche

I always thought you were a genious. Now I know you are.

Someday, I'd like to buy you a drink.

 

[Nutz]

Marriage in a western country is a fools errand (for men).

 

[bmp2cpm]

Sometimes being super-religious and having a mental illness are related. Sometimes the religion is a major way to cope with the mental illness. As someone having a close relative with a mental illness, I would say pass on this one. You've only seem the tip of the iceberg when it comes to her mental illness. I'm sure there are things she's hid from you about it. Mental illness is tough to diagnosis. You're making a huge assumption the she's only bipolar and nothing else. If you decide to have kids at some point, are you ok with raising a child with a mental illness? Are you ok if your child can never work and see visions his whole life?

 

[vatoloco]

"Run Forrest!

RUUUNNN!!!"

 

[AW1983]

Dear CrossRoader,
How's the Fishin?

I always thought you were a genious. Now I know you are.

I'm missing the boat on the fishing comment, what does that mean?

 

[Satin]

she watched her cheating mom ruin their family as a kid

She sounds like a great girl, but need to point out that this is a red flag. Women learn many behaviors from their mothers at a young age. I'm not saying she's definitely going to cheat, but I'd acknowledge that this is a bad thing about her history, not a good thing.

I know this from experience with trying to give credit to a girl for "overcoming" her past, only to see her eventually repeat it.

satin

 

[window]

1.5 years is way to soon...

 

[yuppaz]

She doesn't sound like a great candidate for a wife. Even if she's hot, likes sex w/ you and would do the whole Christian obey you thing. She has considered / attempted suicide before since you've been with her? What happens after a baby is born and you need to work and she is too depressive / manic to take care of it right? What about the kids emotional stability - with daddy doing everything and mommy being sick again or mad or really sad all the time....doesn't give your kids a great shot at having healthy productive lives.

It's a sad situation, it's not her fault but it's the hand she's been dealt and she has to live it. It doesn't mean that you have to live it too and subject your kids to it for a large portion of their lives. You may basically be like a single parent at times and be dealing with some stuff you wouldn't have to if you were with someone who wasn't manic depressive.

Not a great spot to be in, sorry you have to go about making this decision (whichever way it turns out). Best of luck to you.

 

[yuppaz]

otoh - maybe there are stories of women who have been great parents despite their mental illness? Maybe you can look / ask around to see what made the difference.

Best of luck

 

[Reyaj]

I don't get why you have to be ambiguous about the religion when its clear it is Jehovah's witness. Did you meet her at Church? I like that jw women know the man is the head. Maybe I should find one...

 

[zekko]

I worked with a girl who was bipolar for about five years, she seemed pretty normal. Then she went off her meds or something and she went batsh!t crazy, I mean batsh!t crazy. She started stalking people and breaking into their houses and sh!t, ended up stabbing somebody. Quite a difference from her "normal" self, never saw it coming.

Some bipolars can get very psychotic when they're in their manic phase. If she's stable on her meds you might not know what she's capable of. Maybe you could look into her past.

I have a friend who's bipolar also. He's not that bad, but he definitely has some issues. I'd be careful with that, if I were you.

 

[zekko]

Maybe you should just ask "Should I marry a suicidal woman"?

 

[SecondHalf]

Maybe you should just ask "Should I marry a suicidal woman"?

Does insurance pay out for suicides?

SH

 

[Crossroader]

Thanks for the input guys. I guess it's an issue of effort/character vs genetics. She makes a lot of effort to combat her bipolar, which I respect and appreciate, but it's still there, and always will be. I myself have struggled with serious depression in the past and must stay vigilant to keep from succumbing to it again. So we understand each other's struggle there. But yeah, severe emotional instability from one or more parents could be bad news for kids...

I remember reading Kierkegaard's concept of the "leap of faith" in order to obtain true love or religious faith. He said since love and faith isn't 100% rational, there would always be a degree of doubt. But love is truly attained by accepting this doubt and jumping for it anyway. Wondering if that's what's needed here. The manosphere is so rife with risk aversion...well life is risk ain't it? I know, I know...the key is <i>acceptable</i> risk.

Funny how the most intelligent/creative/interesting people I've ever known always have some counterbalance of mental affliction. ADHD, bipolar, and the like. If I had kids with her they'd probably have some form of mental imbalance but they'd be smart as hell as she is one of the most intelligent females I've ever met and I'm no slouch either. That goes a long way for me. I wouldn't trade my intelligence for not having the depression, etc. Not for a second...

I'm just thinking aloud here. Not set on either way. Thanks again for the input from both camps.

 

[AW1983]

If your financial planner advised you to invest in stock that had a 50 percent fail rate, would you do it? Would you be wiling to invest in ANYTHING with such a high risk involved?

Any halfway decent woman who's bringing everything you want to the table is going to want to get married sooner or later. The flip-side to your 50 percent fail rate is that if you get the righ woman maybe your ROI is exponentially profitable. Like raising kids in a good family with both parents and growing old together and all that sappy sh!t we envy in our grandparents marriages. Two sides to every coin.