Should I Come Clean With Chick?

[BGC]

Guys, do you think a guy should ever come clean with a chick if he's been lying about certain things? I told this chick I've been seeing for six months about my past girlfriends -- but there were none, actually. I made them up. I've had one relationship -- just a purely sexual one, booty call thing. Now, I feel like I want to open up to her, but if I tell her this, I know I will become less attractive in her eyes. Any thoughts?

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"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honourable but more useful than a life spent in doing nothing."

--George Bernard Shaw

 

[Taz]

I don't think its a good idea. It's not so much that you will become less attractive to her, it's the fact that you lied. She'll wonder "What else has he lied about?" and "What else will he lie about?" "Is he lying to me right now?"

You do not want her to view you as a liar, it's a bad reputation to have. So if I were you, I would just play it cool and not bring it up anymore.

But if you really feel the need to tell her, you can stretch the truth. You can say "You are the first girl that I have ever really opened up to" You tell the truth, AND you make her feel good. Can't lose there.

 

[Peak]

Are you kidding?

What has caused this sudden bout of openness?

Just forget about it dude. If she's not pressuring you into saying anything I can't see why you would. Seems like a fairly harmless lie to me anyway.If she ever does pressure you think of what you would say now so you can keep your story tight.

Goodl luck.

 

[don28]

Remember the words of the late, great Sam Kinison. LIES, DAMMIT! LIES KEEP PEOPLE TOGETHER!

Seriously, don't bring this up; like the others have stated, all you do is open up a can of worms for yourself.

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Women: They're all sisters, everyone of them. It's a big conspiracy.

 

[Kane]

I agree with everyone. Think of it this way? Why do you want to tell her? Usually this happens with you want to relieve yourself of feeling guilty. LIVE WITH IT. Just don't do anything that could ruin your relationship in the future.

 

[ChrisFl]

It's unanimous. If you feel a need to confess, see a priest, preferably one that doesn't know your gf.

What did you tell her about the phony gfs? How much detail? Was it in response to her asking? I'm in the same boat & don't bring up the subject. Haven't had to deal with questions about it so far.

Maybe you didn't lie at all, since everyone has different definitions of gf. You dated others before, right? Some people consider the last person they dated to be their gf/bf when no objective person would see that as such. I've even had friends tell me that certain women I had dated years ago, who I never considered gfs, actually were by those guys' standards. (And this is with me being honest about what happened.)

A good thing about this site is that you can often solve your own problem just by the process of writing about it, sometimes even read your own post & wonder what the hell you were thinking. Wouldn't surprise me if that's the case here.

It's a sign of how fukked up the dating scene is that a guy feels a need to invent former gfs to seem more experienced. But the true story isn't something to be ashamed of; just stick with the lies now that they've been told. I'd avoid bringing up the subject again.

Even more fukked up is that if you'd had a current gf when you met her, that would've made you more attractive to her, yet once she becomes the gf, if you date someone else she'll be upset. Do they want us to be dogs or not?

(Oops- accidentally typed dongs there at first. Freudian slip?)

Don't take any of this as a slam against you, BGC. I understand you wouldn't want to come right out & volunteer the fact that she's your first gf. That's why I wouldn't bring up the subject. If everyone were honest, you'd find lots of people your age & older who never had a gf/bf before. A friend of mine just got married a few months ago at 37, & until he met that woman 2 years earlier, he'd never had a serious relationship before. I'm not guessing that; I know it's true because he told me, & we've known each other since the 1970s. Whether he discussed that with her, I don't know, but I don't think it really mattered. He's not the type to make up stuff.

As was said, fessing up now will just make her wonder what else you've lied about. When I was wasting time with personal ads, someone admitted in an email that she shaved 3 years off her age in her ad. Her ad said 40; her first email admitted 43. Why shave off only 3 years? There's no big difference between 40 & 43, so why lie in the first place, then why admit it upfront without me bringing it up? It just made me wonder what else she lied about, like maybe she had a husband she "forgot" to mention. So I never bothered going any further, because she blew my trust upfront. Maybe she was really 50. Who knows? I never met her or saw a pic.

 

[Poet]

BGC:
NO NO a thousand times no do not fess up to that one.....Even one lie will tarnish U in a chicks eyes more than about any other thing I can think of.....besides this was to build U up & it did not hurt her..just be honest about all other things..keep that one in the closet.....I lost a great chick because I lied about my age! I look & act younger & most people think I am younger so in my mind it was not a lie but in her eyes it was a really bad bad thing I did....lesson learned.I do not lie about anything important..I fluff some stuff but mothing I can't live with..Poet


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The cat that walks alone...

 

[BGC]

Guys, thanks for your thoughts.

I was kind of brief and abrupt in my first post, but I was in a hurry (at the library on a computer).

This is the first girl I've seen that I've felt any feelings for (not a lot yet, but there are some).

My previous relationship was with a pretty ugly creature that I just screwed and wouldn't be seen out in public with.

So I made up previous girlfriends. And I happened to have mentioned briefly some of them. Like the last one is now in law school on the East Coast, and that's why we broke up.

I also lied about things I did with them, about some trips we'd taken, some weird places we'd had sex.

(I also lied about what my parents did. I said they were in the financial sector. The truth is, I didn't meet my father til pretty late in life, and he left my mother before I was born. Plus both of them are blue collar! But I guess this is another issue altogether.)

Anyways, when I first started seeing her, I thought I'd just like to lay her. But now I feel something for her.

And last Friday, while we were eating out, she told me that she didn't feel she knew me, that she thought I hadn't opened up to her yet. Because she HAD opened up to me, she told me about some bad stuff that had happened to her when she was young.

Now I feel bad about lying to her.

I think I will tell her the truth.

I know this will damaged the relationship because a) I lied; and b) now I seem less attractive because the cool things I said I did, I didn't do.

But. Consider this. THESE lies aren't just lies I've told to her.

I tell EVERYBODY these things that I know.

It's an alternate reality, if you will, an alternate reality to the actualy reality of my past, which is pretty painful.

So it's not like I was lying JUST TO HER.

I wonder if any of this might change the way you guys think about this issue.

I really appreciate the thoughts.

I think I will tell her the truth, EVEN if I am convinced it will end the relationship.

Because I can't go on seeing her knowing that SHE DOES NOT KNOW ME.



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"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honourable but more useful than a life spent in doing nothing."

--George Bernard Shaw

 

[Taz]

BGC, you have given out some really good advice in the past. From what you write, you seem very experienced in this field.

I recall in one of your posts that you banged over 20 chicks or something like that, I can't find it, but I viewed you as a true master.

Are you saying that everything you've told all of us, all your experiences, and even the orgasm tip, is a complete lie? That's a very bad habit, and counterproductive to confidence as well.

Even if you have strong feelings for this girl, I want you to think critically about what the consequences may be. If she dumps you for coming clean, what good has come out of it? Is the price of having a clear consience really worth it?

Read over some of your old posts, this doesn't sound like the same BGC I admired in the past.

 

[BGC]

No, I never said I banged 20 chicks!

I don't know if I ever said the exact number (it's three w/r/t intercourse, and two more who just gave me dome), but I never said 20.

And everything I've said here about myself has been truthful.

If my advice and thoughts were seen as good, that's because I've done a lot of reading and discussing of the stuff here.

Other guys, step forward if you will and clear up the record on this. Tell Taz that I've never said I banged a lot of chicks. Ever.

And also, my tips, about getting a chick to orgasm, when to call chicks, etc., -- I said many of them have been arrived at through personal experience -- and they have.

I haven't lied about anything here because, as I argued months ago, it doesn't give me any social benefits.

I don't have a whole lot of interest in what you guys think of me personally. I don't think anyone here should. I think people should be most concerned with exchanging ideas on dating and drilling chicks. That's it.

If there was ever a chance that some of us might meet up, then I sure as shhit wouldn't have told in great detail how I had plastic surgery on my nose, how I didn't get laid until I was in my 20s, etc.

So, no, I haven't been untruthful here. There's no incentive to my mind.

And anyway, not to try to analyze this too much, but IN THE PUREST SENSE, we should probably take the ideas here simply on their own merit, divorced of their context. Like if some guy gives Tip X on how to get a girl to talk about her past sexual experiences, and he says he's done this successfully on 20 chicks, well the persuasive element of his tip should NOT be that he's done it on 20 chicks, the persuasive element should be in the tip itself. Does that make sense. We should be able to see a prior (that's a fancy term from philosophy, which means without actual experience) how the tip would work. Read Doc Love's book and you'll see what I mean. Most of his tips will just strike you as perfect wisdom -- you don't have to hear testimonials from guys about how well they worked.

But about my bio. info., I've been perfectly truthful.

I'm still very interested in knowing what you guys think about coming clean to this chick.

As I've thought it over, I'm starting to think that if I don't come clean, she might become my first true girlfriend.

And if that's the case, THEN I WON'T HAVE TO LIE TO THE next GIRL I START DATING.

It's like then I can come clean universally, in a sense. It's like I could then just say I was a late bloomer, so sue me.

But I am starting to see that if I come clean to this chick, she'll leave.

Because I told this chick how my ex-girlfriend and I went to China (actually I went with a family member), and how another ex-girlfriend and I once had sex on an airplane headed to Europe.

The truth is, I'm now realizing, I've been lying through my teeth to this girl from the first meeting over coffee when she recommended a cheap restaurant, and the next day I called her to tell her I enjoyed meeting her and to thank her for her recommendation on the restaurant, that I ate there the previous night -- a total lie, invented just to establish a rapport.

So maybe I'm getting my comeuppance now.

She told me she feels like she doesn't know me.

And the truth is, I've known her for about five months, but I've never been completely comfortable around her. I never really felt a bond.

Perhaps because unconsciously I knew she really didn't know me because of all the lies I've been feeding her. Basically, on my end, it's a relationship of deceit.

The more I think about it, the more I'm surprised at how easily I've lied to her.

But here's the thing. I've lied WELL.

I've made up very interesting lies, and possibly that's why she's so into me?

Because if I told the truth about everything, I wouldn't seem so exciting.

But so where is the line to be drawn?

Obviously, we don't tell the truth about everything, right?

We've all done things we won't admit to people?

Where is the line drawn? On personal biographical info.?

How about when a chick says she's busy, that she can't go out, when she really isn't busy?

Is it bad to lie then?

The truth is, I've got a lot of pusssy out of this by lying a lot. Lying to chicks will get you pusssy. Just like cheating in life, if done well, will sometimes, maybe often, get you ahead.

I learned a few years ago that you should consider lying to a chick when I told this chick I'd invited out for a lunch date (agghhh! -- lunch date!) that I used to be really interested in the loch ness monster. She paused then said, "You're such a dork!" And after that day, she was too busy to go out with me again.

So where is the line to be drawn?

And can coming clean ever boost you up in the chick's eyes?


[This message has been edited by BGC (edited 03-26-2001).]

 

[NEANDERTHAL SUPERSOLDIER]

First off, BGC never said he banged 20 girls. From my understanding he has done a few girls. He did say he approached like 50 in a few months i recall.

BGC,
r u getting silly on us. Do we need to slap some sense in u? I thought u would see the light after your post.

Compared to most people, i am honest to a fault. But hey everyone needs to lie sometimes. If u were to tell her anything, just tell her u embellished and exaggerated some of what u said. DONT SAY U LIED.

I got caught in a big lie with a girl and from there on it was over. BGC, u should know better. *slap* ok, r u back to normal now?

 

[Jdog]

BGC,

You are right, I've never seen a post by you where you claimed banging that many.

Dude, why do you feel like you have to lie to brawds/people like that? You are who you are and your past is part of it. As far as coming clean with this chick, I would come clean about your parents, but not the girlfriends thing. And in the future, especially if you are trying to find a serious gf, just be yourself! My past isn't that tantalizing but I will never lie. There is just some info I keep to myself.

 

[BGC]

Although I'm out of it now, my past was painful.

I lived alone with my mother and almost never once was a word spoken of my father. It fukked me up pretty good. At 19 it came to a head and I approached her about him -- and met him for the first time.

Throughout high school I was mercilessly bullied, and I didn't have a single date. Never went to a prom or a dance in high school. Couldn't bear to go to school and almost got thrown out for skipping.

Fortunately, I turned it around, managed to transfer to a pretty fukking good university, and now I'm as cool as fukking anybody.

I got laid for the first time at 22. A pretty hideous biitch. We boned for about nine months.

Now I'm geographically very far from this past, and now that I look different, the disfigurement about my nose is gone, I am a different person.

So I've made up a more pleasant past for myself.

I realize that once I get my first girlfriend, afterward I won't really have to lie.

But I'm still wondering whether I should say anything to this chick.

The thing that brought it up was, she asked me how many chicks I'd been with. And I dodged the question.

And also I think if I could tell her that, maybe using some different words, I've never had a girlfriend, it would do something amazing for us, bring us together.

Because I get the sense that she wonders why I'm so distant. In fact, I joked that she was my first, and she believed me until I laughed. She's so into me that I'm not sure this would ruin me in her eyes. She's an atypical chick. Extremely giving. Quite good looking. Quite educated. Extremely affectionate.

[This message has been edited by BGC (edited 03-26-2001).]

 

[dorian_gray-from.usa]

Originally posted by BGC:
Although I'm out of it now, my past was painful.

I lived alone with my mother and almost never once was a word spoken of my father. It fukked me up pretty good...

**

Throughout high school I was mercilessly bullied, and I didn't have a single date. Never went to a prom or a dance in high school. Couldn't bear to go to school and almost got thrown out for skipping.

**

Now I'm geographically very far...
So I've made up a more pleasant past for myself.

I realize that once I get my first girlfriend, afterward I won't really have to lie.

But I'm still wondering whether I should say anything to this chick.

*
*
*
*

And also I think if I could tell her that, maybe using some different words, I've never had a girlfriend, it would do something amazing for us, bring us together.

Because I get the sense that she wonders why I'm so distant.

In fact, I joked that she was my first, and she believed me until I laughed. She's so into me that I'm not sure this would ruin me in her eyes.

**
She's an atypical chick.
**

* Extremely giving.
* Quite good looking.
* Quite educated. Extremely affectionate.

It seem that us men, cannot be people, but
have to be hard at all times. We can't feel,
worry, have a bad day, or drop our guard
or someone us will label us, WEAK or a SISSIE
or !!gasp!! a FAG.

Women we meet want us to be outgoing, a man
about town, i.e. a HOT PROSPECT, but
at the same time have only eyes for them.
**While at the same time not having all your energy tied up in that special WOMAN, who does not **want** to feel burdan by you investing your energy only in her. This nugget of TRUTH, I want you to tatoo it on
inside of your eyelids and engrave it into
your fukking brain...

THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS TO A WOMAN IS WHAT *****SHE******* THINKS ABOUT YOU. (OR ANY MAN).

What you care about is irrealivant, thats
the secret. What business would you enter
into, with a general or LLC partership, where you did not care about who or what the other person is? (for X many weeks??)

Yet, thats what women think about and act like, what makes them feel good, any thing else is secondary. EVEN ...

Marrige vows... THAT's WHAT SEPERATES WOMEN
FROM YOUNG PIECES OF Asz, THE ABILITY TO
SEE THAT LIFE NOT ALL FUN AND GAMES.

IF YOU HAVE NO CONNECTION - then it just sex.

If you think that she is 'different', THAT'S
NOT ENOUGH -

TO GIVE UP PART OF YOUR LIFE FOR.


GOOD LUCK IN YOUR CHOICE.

DJ_GRAY
writing from Oklahoma, in the
greatest place in the
World - the northern hemisphere!!

[This message has been edited by dorian_gray-from.usa (edited 03-26-2001).]

 

[DJ de Florida]

Originally posted by Taz:
BGC, you have given out some really good advice in the past. From what you write, you seem very experienced in this field.

I recall in one of your posts that you banged over 20 chicks or something like that, I can't find it, but I viewed you as a true master.

I have to agree with Taz here. I remember an early BGC post mentioning 20+ notches along with talk of how you got to make your hits whenever you can. But I also remember more recent posts stating he has just been with a few. Personally, I don't care if BGC has been with a few or many. He posts some interesting questions and input to the forum.

Now to the question at hand. My advice would not be to come with a full confession. But I haven't been in your situation before because I haven't lied as much as you have to this girl.

Maybe you can still save something by making obvious lies. Of course she will say something like "You are a such a liar". Then you say "Yeah, I am always popping off. Sometimes I fib on some things. But when I was with you last week whispering in your ear all night, that was the truth."

I would strongly advise against making creating these lies in the future. If you ever want a LTR, you can't be lying about family and stuff like that.

Stay a mystery in the beginning. Avoid the negative stuff in your past as long as possible. When you feel she likes you for you (not your hair, your job, money, etc.), then it is ok to let some of that stuff out as a test if she is LTR material. But still remain unpredictable and exciting...





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DJ de Florida
****
Just Do It!

1) Progress always involves risk: you can't steal second base and keep your foot on first.

2) Unless you try to do something beyond what you have already mastered, you will never grow.

3) You never really lose until you stop trying.

 

[BGC]

Originally posted by DJ de Florida:
I remember an early BGC post mentioning 20+ notches

A check written for twenty dollars mailed today to the guy who finds a post in which I claim to have boned twenty women.

Go ahead and look -- you'll never find one.

PS DJ, thanks for the thoughts. I can't help but agree especially vigorously with your advice that one not lie about one's family and one's background to someone you think might be LTR material.

[This message has been edited by BGC (edited 03-26-2001).]

 

[shakes]

BGC:

I can sort of relate to how you feel. i have boned a few chicks, dated others a couple of times, but that is it!! The closest I had to a girl friend was almost 4.5 years ago......we worked together and were very into each other. She was never officially my g/f, but she felt like it, it only ended becuase she left for school. So now, I am 24 and never had a LTR. Does this bother me? YES, it eats at me like a cancer, especially becuase i am a good-looking dued. So, when i get involved with a chick, I will probably lie to about past g/f i never had. If i told the truth, i would feel like a turnoff to the chick? This is what i think she would think: Never been in a LTR before, there must be something wrong with him. Another thing, i also lost my virginity to a prostitute. Who knows if I will ever tell my future wife that!!

 

[BGC]

Originally posted by shakes:
BGC:

I can sort of relate to how you feel. i have boned a few chicks, dated others a couple of times, but that is it!! The closest I had to a girl friend was almost 4.5 years ago......we worked together and were very into each other. She was never officially my g/f, but she felt like it, it only ended becuase she left for school. So now, I am 24 and never had a LTR. Does this bother me? YES, it eats at me like a cancer, especially becuase i am a good-looking dued. So, when i get involved with a chick, I will probably lie to about past g/f i never had. If i told the truth, i would feel like a turnoff to the chick? This is what i think she would think: Never been in a LTR before, there must be something wrong with him. Another thing, i also lost my virginity to a prostitute. Who knows if I will ever tell my future wife that!!

Sort of relate? Dude, I'm 24, too, and our thoughts are one in the same.

I cringe at the thought of saying, "I've never had a girlfriend before," to this chick, because her reaction will be JUST AS YOU SAID: Why has he not had a relationship?

Well there are some reasons for me, but they are kind of fukked up and are very personal and it might just turn her the fukk off.

So I think I'm going to strike a compromise with myself.

I'll tell her that the chick whom I in truth only boned for about nine months, and whom I would not have been count dead in public with, was in fact my GIRLFRIEND.

Then I tell her that once I had a one-night stand in which I had s. intercourse with a girl.

So that makes it two chicks before her. She's my third.

That much is true.

I'll just leave out that I only boned the previous chick and would not have been caught dead in public with her because she looked like a Labradour!


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"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honourable but more useful than a life spent in doing nothing."

--George Bernard Shaw

 

[shakes]

BGC:

Wow, this is really wierd. I guess it is kind of a relief to know one is not alone. For the most part, I have lost my shyness and i am out kicking game. I remained single msot of my life due to depression and anxiety problems. Eventhough it was not my fault, due to my personal problems i had all this self-hatred and bitterness turned inwards on myself. I did not like myself, and when you don't like yourself you feel like you don't deserve anybody. I had a few hotties like me i think, but because i felt crummy on the inside i felt like i did not deserve them. Due to this forum, I realized confidence and how you feel inside will get you alot farther than just your looks!! i try not to worry about the g/f thing. Remember, everyone has different definitions of what one is....and people lie and exaggerate. Well, good luck; i will probably be in your situation soon. Do you still live at home BGC? Unfortunately, I do, but i need to get out soon. Being on your own really helps your confidence.

 

[shakes]

Another thing i forgot to mention: No one is perfect and everyone has their skeletons in the closet. I am sure this chick you are seeing has done some things or not done things that she wishes she hadn't. She is embarrased and insecure about things you do not know about as well. No offense, but maybe one time she has masturbated with a cucumber or something stupid like that. This whole g/f thing is ridiculous, my friend says it is just a stupid lable. We will never become confident if we let this issue bother us too much. Forget the past, what's done is done and thinking about it won't bring it back!!!