I remember a psychology course I took 16 years ago said 86% of all relationships break up if the couple moved together before marriage. So I guess there are exceptions. The 14%.
IMO I think the reason why it’s like this is because adults are like brick cements compared to young people. Young people can lose themselves in romance and become “one” with the other. They haven’t developed hard personalities yet. Young people are very moldable. Even their teeth. Best time to get braces is in your teens. Best time to experience pair bonding is also in your teens. Your emotions are less jaded and there is no resistance for allowing yourself to completely get sucked into that vortex of universal oneness.
For adults with hardened personalities, we are like bricks instead of moldable clay. And a relationship between two adults is like two bricks banging against each other instead of clay coming together and becoming one entity. This is fine. There’s nothing wrong with it. Two bricks can make it work. It just takes a little bit of compromise.
When two unmarried adults move in together, they don’t have that “holy matrimony” extra level of compromise that serves as a glue to the relationship. They are still in that “trial by error” mindset and at the first sign of hardship or incompatibility, the thought of nexting starts to rear it’s head.
However, with married people, they don’t have that luxury. They will explore plans A to Z to make it work. There is no “grass is greener on the other side” mentality. They understand it will take commitment and work. Friday is my time. Saturday is yours. And Sunday is date night. Monday I do the dishes, and Tuesday you take out the trash. Marriage requires a next level of maturity and sacrifice that unmarried people do not have or are willing to give.
IMO thats why it’s suggested you avoid moving in with someone unless you are engaged with them. Neither party is “all in” and are probably still vetting each other, looking for any signs of “red flags” or incompatibility. They look for reasons to disqualify the other. While married people look for reasons to qualify the other. Instead of thinking “This isn’t going to work”, they think “We are going to make this work. We will grow together.”
I know people who have lived together for years with kids but aren’t married. The difference is they have a “married mentality.” They actually talk out their issues and improve their relationship instead of nexting at the first sign.
When the honeymoon period wears off, you WILL find some annoying things about someone. This is usually the fork in the road. Except when you are married, there is no fork. There’s only one path.
As for the whole being young and moldable like clay and being able to pair bond thing, I’ve made a commitment the past 3 years to fully commit to all of my relationships whether it’s plates or LTRs. I decided not to be jaded and to be comepletely defenseless to heart break. I allow myself to get heartbroken and feel the full range of emotions because I understand the notion of “damned if you do, damned if you don’t.”
If you try to protect yourself too much, you will shield yourself from life. And this is no way to live. One could say this person is not even alive. They are dead inside. Young people pursue romance with vigor, excitement, and anticipation, then somewhere along the line, they get hurt and end up closing themselves off. Your heart is a muscle. In order to grow it, you must open it up and allow it to experience life in all it’s glory and heartbreak.
Ive found in my journey of being completely open that I haven’t experienced “one itis” at all, but “all itis”. It doesn’t hurt when a woman leaves. I want her to go explore what life has to offer. And I’m not jaded when a woman on my wavelength shows up. It’s almost as if my feelings are malleable and fresh just like when I was a teen, but with the wisdom that comes from being an experienced adult.
To me, this is the best way to experience romance. By being completely open and vulnerable but at the same time, fierce and strong. Being overprotective is actually a weakness, not a strength. The truly strong have no need to protect themselves.
This doesn’t mean that I am a hopeless romantic btw. In fact, I think romance is petty for 90% of people (jaded, based on neediness and neurosis). But when that 1% of woman on my wavelength shows up, I have no ego protection holding me back from experiencing romance to the fullest.
Ive also found that the women I date find my openness a little bit refreshing. They think it’s impressive that I’m completely fearless and passionate. And in a way, I also lead them down the path of fearless and passionate romance. They want to go to this place but they dont know how to get there themselves. Somewhere along the way they’ve also become jaded and started to treat dating as if it were a job interview process.
Hollywood writers are smart. They understand human nature. In most romantic movies, you often see the guy portrayed as a charming rascal who’s open to life and carefree, a true don’t give a fvck attitude and even mischievous nature, and the woman is often portrayed as uptight, stuck in her head, self conscious, but waiting for a guy to come along and set her free.
