She's not yours it's just your turn --Is this always real? Even marriage?

[Billtx49]

They do everything backwards it seems.

I can actually understand the applications increasing. Consider they’ve been married without things going well and he p/a takes every opportunity with his activities that he can to stay away from the old lady, then an order to shelter in place for weeks at home with her arrives…

 

[zekko]

I remember a psychology course I took 16 years ago said 86% of all relationships break up if the couple moved together before marriage. So I guess there are exceptions. The 14%.

It's not for everybody, I've never come on this forum telling everyone they should shack up. It's not something you should do lightly, you should weigh the decision as carefully and as seriously as if you were getting married. It works for me. I have nothing against "Don't live together" if it presented as general advice. The arrogance of calling them "Iron Rules" is what I object to. I don't believe in "Iron Rules" when it comes from someone just giving their opinions and advice.

Anyway, I feel I should point out all the people in your example were married. If they hadn't taken that step, they wouldn't have divorced.

I decided not to be jaded and to be comepletely defenseless to heart break. I allow myself to get heartbroken and feel the full range of emotions because I understand the notion of “damned if you do, damned if you don’t.”

If you try to protect yourself too much, you will shield yourself from life. And this is no way to live.

I respect that a lot. All that PUA talk about protecting the heart and never allowing yourself to feel anything for anyone again so you never get hurt, I've always thought a lot of that smacked of cowardice and being butt hurt. Life isn't for the faint of heart. You don't want to be stupid, but you don't need to become a robot either.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Rollo is doing a live stream right now about this subject who is talking to a guy who recently got cheated on. Rule #4 is a topic and is exactly why he wrote #4

First clue of derailment.
SHE STARTED TO NOT WANT TO DO THINGS WITH HIM. LOL
First clue ignored by the masses

Basic interest indicators.

 

[Georgepithyou]

Sounds like something a cuckold would say

 

[17 shots]

Why does it matter, you and me can both share her

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Why does it matter, you and me can both share her

You all might as well add others to help carry the load.

 

[PeasantPlayer]

We will never know, enjoy the ride

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

I remember a psychology course I took 16 years ago said 86% of all relationships break up if the couple moved together before marriage. So I guess there are exceptions. The 14%.

IMO I think the reason why it’s like this is because adults are like brick cements compared to young people. Young people can lose themselves in romance and become “one” with the other. They haven’t developed hard personalities yet. Young people are very moldable. Even their teeth. Best time to get braces is in your teens. Best time to experience pair bonding is also in your teens. Your emotions are less jaded and there is no resistance for allowing yourself to completely get sucked into that vortex of universal oneness.

For adults with hardened personalities, we are like bricks instead of moldable clay. And a relationship between two adults is like two bricks banging against each other instead of clay coming together and becoming one entity. This is fine. There’s nothing wrong with it. Two bricks can make it work. It just takes a little bit of compromise.

When two unmarried adults move in together, they don’t have that “holy matrimony” extra level of compromise that serves as a glue to the relationship. They are still in that “trial by error” mindset and at the first sign of hardship or incompatibility, the thought of nexting starts to rear it’s head.

However, with married people, they don’t have that luxury. They will explore plans A to Z to make it work. There is no “grass is greener on the other side” mentality. They understand it will take commitment and work. Friday is my time. Saturday is yours. And Sunday is date night. Monday I do the dishes, and Tuesday you take out the trash. Marriage requires a next level of maturity and sacrifice that unmarried people do not have or are willing to give.

IMO thats why it’s suggested you avoid moving in with someone unless you are engaged with them. Neither party is “all in” and are probably still vetting each other, looking for any signs of “red flags” or incompatibility. They look for reasons to disqualify the other. While married people look for reasons to qualify the other. Instead of thinking “This isn’t going to work”, they think “We are going to make this work. We will grow together.”

I know people who have lived together for years with kids but aren’t married. The difference is they have a “married mentality.” They actually talk out their issues and improve their relationship instead of nexting at the first sign.

When the honeymoon period wears off, you WILL find some annoying things about someone. This is usually the fork in the road. Except when you are married, there is no fork. There’s only one path.

As for the whole being young and moldable like clay and being able to pair bond thing, I’ve made a commitment the past 3 years to fully commit to all of my relationships whether it’s plates or LTRs. I decided not to be jaded and to be comepletely defenseless to heart break. I allow myself to get heartbroken and feel the full range of emotions because I understand the notion of “damned if you do, damned if you don’t.”

If you try to protect yourself too much, you will shield yourself from life. And this is no way to live. One could say this person is not even alive. They are dead inside. Young people pursue romance with vigor, excitement, and anticipation, then somewhere along the line, they get hurt and end up closing themselves off. Your heart is a muscle. In order to grow it, you must open it up and allow it to experience life in all it’s glory and heartbreak.

Ive found in my journey of being completely open that I haven’t experienced “one itis” at all, but “all itis”. It doesn’t hurt when a woman leaves. I want her to go explore what life has to offer. And I’m not jaded when a woman on my wavelength shows up. It’s almost as if my feelings are malleable and fresh just like when I was a teen, but with the wisdom that comes from being an experienced adult.

To me, this is the best way to experience romance. By being completely open and vulnerable but at the same time, fierce and strong. Being overprotective is actually a weakness, not a strength. The truly strong have no need to protect themselves.

This doesn’t mean that I am a hopeless romantic btw. In fact, I think romance is petty for 90% of people (jaded, based on neediness and neurosis). But when that 1% of woman on my wavelength shows up, I have no ego protection holding me back from experiencing romance to the fullest.

Ive also found that the women I date find my openness a little bit refreshing. They think it’s impressive that I’m completely fearless and passionate. And in a way, I also lead them down the path of fearless and passionate romance. They want to go to this place but they dont know how to get there themselves. Somewhere along the way they’ve also become jaded and started to treat dating as if it were a job interview process.

Hollywood writers are smart. They understand human nature. In most romantic movies, you often see the guy portrayed as a charming rascal who’s open to life and carefree, a true don’t give a fvck attitude and even mischievous nature, and the woman is often portrayed as uptight, stuck in her head, self conscious, but waiting for a guy to come along and set her free.

You do realize how this advice can be misinterpreted to people who aren’t as ‘advanced’ though, right? Like I understand what you mean, but someone who’s new will interpret “being open” as “showing weakness”.

Everything a woman wants to know about me, she’ll hear me say. A lot of the ‘secrets’, a lot of how I felt, etc. I’ll tell her my life story (most of it anyway). Just not all at once. I’ll mention tidbits here and there depending on the social situation, and frame it a certain way so that it doesn’t show weakness on my end. But in the end, it’s up to her to piece it all together to figure out who I truly am. And so far, no woman has been able to do that.

Strength above all.