she's catching up w/ex over lunch

[DJmonster]

My girlfriend told me she was making plans to have lunch with her ex this friday. She says they want to "catch up." Originally, she said she was going to have dinner with him, but I told her dinner sounds like a date, so she quickly said, yeah, ok, we'll just have lunch.

It seems like things are going well with us, and I really trust her, but I don't understand why she wants to catch up with her ex. She always tells me their relationship was so screwed up and bla bla bla, so why is she going to see him, and why didn't she invite me to go along. I mentioned that I'd like to meet him too , and she said that would be great, she thinks we'd really get along. But I'd really rather eat ***t, than hang out with some guy that used to f*** her.

Should I put my foot down? (she'll probably object to this, says ex is like a brother to her- whatever) If so, how? Or, should I quite worrying, and just work on myself, ie keeping her interest level high (she finally got me to meet her parents, she's very good to me, we have a lot of sex - the other day we had sex in the women's locker room at my college

 

[DJmonster]

no replies? not even props?

what do you guys think? Is she testing me? In general, should a guy be ok with his girlfriend hanging out with her ex?

 

[DankNuggs]

its a tough situation. sort of a catch-22. If you say that you're really insecure and jealous, she'll either resent you for trying to control her and not let her do what she wants, and if she 'catches up' she have nothing but memories of good feelings with her ex, while she thinks of how immature and insecure her current SO is.

If you let her go, your going to drive yourself crazy wondering what it all means. Its one thing to know that your girl probably gets hit on all day long, but when she is going into a situation where she knows that she is going to have pretty deep emotions towards this guy, its tough.

My advice: At some point in time you will learn that while you MAY be able to control her actions, you'll never be able to control her mind. Show her that you trust her. IN her head, she already has her reasons for wanting to 'catch up' which may be totally innocent. If she has other prerogatives, well, you just can't fight that, nor would you want to embrace it by ignoring it.

goodluck

 

[dietzcoi]

This can only lead to bad things. What does she need to "catch up" on with him... they are broken up! This is typical female BS. If you stayed in touch with an ex and wanted to catch up I am sure she would not be too happy.

Tell her it is disrespectful to you and she does not need to catch up with him. If she does it anyway, you know what you have to do.

I know this sounds harsh but you have to stop this now - or she will walk all over you.

Dietzcoi

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

It can lead to bad things only if your relationship is on the rocks. Understand that women usually long for acceptance and the best way to do that is for them to have a bunch of friends. Even more is being friends with someone she had a relationship but yet have salvaged a friendship.

Look, she's told you about it. You told her that you didn't like it so she adjusted without a fight. Give the girl some slack. Trust me, keep your cool and make sure that you give your girl romance, respect and affection. As long as you do that, she will do nothing but brag to her friends (including her ex) how lucky she is to be with you.

 

[Cremasta]

I've only ever tried to get back in contact with an ex on a personal level for two reasons:

1. I still wanted her and was making some moves in that direction.

2. I was in a comfortable relationship with someone else and she mean't nothing to me anymore other than as a friend.

If you two are solid, then you have nothing to worry about.

However, you do need to draw a line on the frequency of their 'catch ups'. If she wants to meet him every week, or even every two weeks, then for me, that is too much. If it was once every month or two, or even just as a once off, then I wouldn't stress about it.

 

[Matt ala Casanova]

I will say this and take it as strong advice. In ******** she is seeing where he is at with his relationships, she wants to see if there is any chance still and she wants to utilize him *just* in case you two don't work out.

I tell you this because a women who is totally into her man isn't gonna go out and fvcking go have lunch with an EX!

Typical women crap.

M.A.C.

 

[FreeStyleZ]

Forget that, we know damn well that women do this all the time just as an excuse to keep their options open. They say "he's just a friend" but they know damn well as soon as you guys break up or she doesnt want yoru ass anymore, thats when they become more than that. And its a tough situation because you can't say anything because u'll appear insecure and if you dont say anything u'll just be letting her plan work to perfection.

What i did with my ex was give her a dose of her own medicine.. i had a bunch of hot girls that i was just "friends" with that id hang out with just as girls normally do. This made her jealous but she couldnt say **** about it unless she stopped hanging with her own boyfriends. And this also was good for me because i was able to flirt with girls and keep MY options open in the event something didnt work out.

 

[golf299]

i totally agree w/ M.A.C.

 

[JohnJones]

Women love to look "progressive" and to appear as if they are completely at ease with their past relationships. Its part of looking sophisticated.

Also, she may want to show him that she is doing well without him. Who broke it off?

I agree with all the posts above that if everything is fine in your relationship, this is not a big deal (it is still mildly disrespectful since I would wonder why they have to meet) at all.

In the end, "dates" and non-dates look a lot similar, it's what is going on on the inside (of her head) that matters now. Who initiated contact, him or her?

 

[Avsguy01]

DJmonster, just play it cool! Give her trust. If she breaks it shes the one that you can **** on. Honestly i think she has nothing but good intentions if things seem fine between you two. I have a really good (girl.......friend) that i used to date. Well she met this one guy and has gotten really serious with him. Occasionally we get up with each other once in a while and i have yet to meet this guy. This guy has shown trust and she is getting married to him. I wouldnt worry about it. If her intentions was to get back up with him is there really anything you can do?.....no Just play it cool, give her trust, and when she gets back to you give her one hell of a ****.

 

[Matt ala Casanova]

....and one other thing....

As Chris Rock says: "A guy friend to a girl is nothing but a d!ck in a glass case, break only in emergency's!"

Nuff said.

M.A.C.

 

[scarlettorocker]

Poor DJ Monster! There are a few guys here who are giving you sound advice, but a couple are just projecting their own insecurty onto you, so don't buy into it. Firstly, I don't blame you for feeling a bit uneasy about your girlfriend meeting up with her ex. But I don't think that there's anything else in it other than 'clearing the air.' That means that she's over him but acknowledges that there was something bewteen them and this is drawing a line under it. I don't think for a MINUTE that it sounds as if she's trying to rekindle anything. I bet your relationship wil move on faster after this as well! She obviously likes you becasue she told you all about it and has tried to reassure you. And you may well get on with him, because we tend to go out with similar types of people anyhow. I say this 'cause the same thing happened to me, when my (ex) boyfriend went to meet his ex. She was the one before me and I knew it was over, so I trusted him. I had no desire to go along for this reason, although it sounded as if I would like her. As a result, they didn't start hanging out again (which would ahve been different, admittedly), and I got the impression that he was a decent bloke who would still treat me as a friend if we should split up. Which he has done. So don't worry mate, it'll be okay.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by JohnJones
Women love to look "progressive" and to appear as if they are completely at ease with their past relationships. Its part of looking sophisticated.

Also, she may want to show him that she is doing well without him. Who broke it off?

I agree with all the posts above that if everything is fine in your relationship, this is not a big deal (it is still mildly disrespectful since I would wonder why they have to meet) at all.

In the end, "dates" and non-dates look a lot similar, it's what is going on on the inside (of her head) that matters now. Who initiated contact, him or her?

My GF has lunch every once in a while with a couple of her ex BFs. I've met these guys and a couple of other Exes and have hung out with on several occasions since we belong to the same cycling club. Frankly, they're now friends of mine. They are all "nice guys" and have never felt any competition from them.

Actually my GF usually makes mention about whatever didn't click between them. No biggie, she had never shown any disrespect and has never shown any inference of hiding anything. I'm sure that she knows as well as I that if she strays it would be a huge loss on her part, no worries.

 

[JohnJones]

Originally posted by Francisco d'Anconia


Actually my GF usually makes mention about whatever didn't click between them. No biggie, she had never shown any disrespect and has never shown any inference of hiding anything. I'm sure that she knows as well as I that if she strays it would be a huge loss on her part, no worries.

This is what I usually think of in my situations when I meet with old g/fs-- I know if its a big deal or not.

What would be your breaking point though?

 

[Abcd]

I agree with scarlettorocker. You have good reason to feel weird about this, but that doesn't mean that she's doing anything wrong. I've been thinking about this situation from the opposite point of view lately. I got out of an LTR about 2 months ago that meant a lot to both my girlfriend and to me. It still does. Now I'm really smitten with another girl. But honestly I still want my old girlfriend to be a part of my life, just because we shared so much. I'm pretty sure there's nothing wrong with that.

Having said that, I still see how the situation is tough for you, and how it will be tough on any new girls I date. But that's life I guess. Real human relationships - the meaningful kind - are just complicated. It's not always going to feel peachy. Hopefully as these current relationships mature we will find some way to feel enriched by past relationships.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by JohnJones
This is what I usually think of in my situations when I meet with old g/fs-- I know if its a big deal or not.

What would be your breaking point though?

My breaking point would occur if there wasn't anything else that I could do personally that would allow me to feel comfortable in the situation. For me, I know when I feel uneasy about a situation it is usually because there is something else that I haven't done or should have done.

I would need to determine what that thing is and to complete it. Once I come to a point that it is readily apparent that I can not do anything else, I will then focus my efforts on the source.

In a nutshell, I make sure that I keep my DJ skills on par, the things that attracted my GF. In addition to that, it helps NOT to focus all of my energies on her. For example, last night we had a dinner party and we invited one of her exes. What did I do? I flirted with her in front of him for a while then I flirted with a couple of her GFs. Talk about raising her IL while practicing my DJ skills.

It's easy to manage as long as you start controlling it BEFORE it becomes unmanageable.

 

[DJmonster]

Thanks for the replies people.

My plan is to talk to her and try to get a better understanding of why she wants to meet up with him. Then, I'll let her know that I trust her, but I still don't like the idea of her hanging out with her ex, because I don't know him, and I don't trust him. If she knows it will bother me, I don't think she'll go. I think she'll appreciate me being open about it. If she still wants him in her life, then I'll be ok with that, and I'll just focus on my DJ skills.

thanks again! this board has been very helpful.

 

[Jake Steed]

Originally posted by DJmonster

My plan is to talk to her and try to get a better understanding of why she wants to meet up with him. Then, I'll let her know that I trust her, but I still don't like the idea of her hanging out with her ex, because I don't know him, and I don't trust him. If she knows it will bother me, I don't think she'll go. I think she'll appreciate me being open about it. If she still wants him in her life, then I'll be ok with that, and I'll just focus on my DJ skills.

Unlike 90% of the guys on this board, you sound like you have your shyt together. This situation is a sticky one. Like DankNuggs said, it's a catch 22.

Based on the info you gave regarding your relationship, I think you have nothing to worry about. She's fvcking your brains out--that is good. I personally don't think she will fvck this guy on this lunch date.

However, your girl is the kind of girl who can't say "no". Personally, I know a ton of girls like this and I refuse to get into anything serious with them because it always leads to trouble. Guys press them for lunch dates, and they can't say no. Then they push for dinner dates, and she can't say no to that either. Next thing she knows, she's drunk, naked and in bed with the guy and trying to finally tell him "no". Girls who behave like this do so out of weak self-esteem. They CRAVE male attention so much they just can't say no to it--even when it's from a guy who supposedly treated her like shyt.

I agree with you--that you should calmly sit her down and find out from HER, WHY she feels the need to go on a lunch date with this guy. Also, honestly ask her how she would feel if you went out to lunch with one of YOUR exes. When you have this convo, do not have it so you can whine or change her mind. Have the convo because you GENUINELY WANT TO KNOW her reasons why she wants to meet him, how she's rationalizing it, and at the same time how she'd feel if the situation were reversed. This info is INVALUABLE in knowing what kind of a girl she is and how she's going to handle future situations with you.

Jake

 

[Befuddled]

Here's what i think. this is coming from my attitude rather than a careful consideration of the circumstances.

Personally, i trust ppl until they give me reason not to. Have a meal with someone dosent bother me at all, even if the dude used to f*** her. shes her own person, and is capable of making her own decisions, as am i. right ? personally i wouldnt care about her having a meal even dinner. ill take her word for it.

I'd proably get suspicious if:
1. she starts spending a lot of time with this guy.
2. dosent spend as much time together as we used to.
3. ppl start saying thinks about her n the other guy.

Apart from that, i'd just go on doing what i do best... having a good time.

Dont blow things out of proportions. it's just a meal. IF and WHEN it goes beyond an acceptable line...such as making out/sex. you can put your foot down and make a decision at that time.

From my limited experience, ive know a couple of girls (friends) who have gone behind their bf's(long term) back , and got in touch with their exs and opened up communication lines. Thats just deceitful in my opinion. Be glad yours had the descency to be upfront and honest to you about what shes doing.

Hope that helps.

Cheers