She's always in a bad mood...

[froznie]

OK, so I'd like to hear some advice from you guys.

I've been with this girl for 5 years now. For the most part, I like her a lot and I think we have a solid relationship.

For the first year we lived separately and we saw each other about 4 times a week. Then we moved in together for a short period of time until she had to move to another city about 50 miles away because of work. Since she moved out we see each other every weekend, and during vacations (christmas and summer), she moves back to my place and we spend a month or so together.

Anyway, so my problem is mainly in those periods where we are living together. She's like constantly in a bad mood. Everything gets her off.

Some years ago she had a roommate and she drove the poor roommate nuts. For example she would scream at her if she as much as forgot to put a new roll of toilet paper when she finished, or if she didn't fill up the water heater for tea when it was empty. And she's that way with me as well - she doesn't tolerate any mistakes or anything out of place.

For example if I mistakenly buy eggs at the store without realizing we have enough eggs left, she gets mad. Things like that. And she criticizes everything I do - like how I prepare my food, how I dress, etc. She's like this with everybody, even her family doesn't want to spend time with her because of that attitude. And she's a clean freak. She literally takes 2-3 showers every single day and she takes out the bleach and starts scrubbing like crazy every time there's as much as a speck of dust in the bath tub or on the bathroom mirror.

And that's when she's at home, when she's away at work she gets depressed if a customer or coworker is even in the slightest rude to her (to the point where she has to take pills to be able to sleep or else she's just too depressed). This without realizing the hypocrisy of her being rude to others over the smallest thing.

I did talk to her about this problem, and she recognizes that she has an issue, but she seems to think that there's no way to fix it - she blames the fact that her parents were super strict with her (repeatedly beating her up when she was a small kid for something as innocent as using too much water to clean the dishes). Apparently the trauma it seems makes her super intolerant of anything that's not short of perfect.

I have the impression that she's either pissed off about something, or depressed about something.

So what do you guys think? After 5 years we're very emotionally invested in each other so I can't just say "bye" like that and walk away. And despite her issues she has a lot of redeeming qualities that, I think, are difficult to find in a woman.

 

[Die Hard]

Well, isn't it always like that? Bytches with serious emotional/behavioral problems stemming from childhood trauma, they always have great redeeming qualities which are difficult to find in other women. But those qualities come at a price, coz you have to deal with their abusive behavior.

There are only two ways of dealing with these girls:

1. Stay the fvck away from them.
2. Just use them for fun and sex, but stay faaaaar away from an emotional connection with them.

You made a mistake getting attached to this girl, now you have to sit on it... Ask yourself, does she make you happy? Sure, I guess she makes you happy at the good moments, but she makes you UNHAPPY at the bad moments. So are you willing to accept this and stay with her if things are always gonna be like this? Coz trust me, brother, SHE WILL NOT CHANGE.

Your challenge is realizing this fact, and it is a FACT! She will not change!

Once you've finally realized this fact, your second challenge is doing what's right, leaving her. It will be a devastating experience trying to break with her, it will be one of the toughest emotional fights in your life. But eventually it will be for the better coz after all is said and done, you will find more happiness in your life after you moved on from her than you will if you stay with her.

 

[Lozboss]

Die hard is right.

Only thing you can do with a chick like this is dump them and find someone better.

 

[YawataNoKami]

So in your own words she drove her ex roomate crazy yet you move in with her.

 

[Young OG]

I think she's definitely bi polar. She should see a doctor and get on meds. Your only other option is to leave her.

 

[Reykhel]

Die hard is right.

Only thing you can do with a chick like this is dump them and find someone better.

I agree, but I'll add.....

Only thing you can do with a NAG like this is CUT HER OUT OF YOU LIFE LIKE THE MALIGNANT CVNT THAT SHE IS............WORK ON YOUR SELF-ESTEEM, MONK MODE.......IMPROVE YOUR SMV.....in other words.....build a HAPPY SINGLE LIFE........then and only then find someone better....

First things first: Time to say goodbye

"The wise man does at once what the fool does finally"

 

[BondAFC]

Here is the other side to this coin ...
She will only get WORSE from here....
You have conditioned her that it's ok to behave this way...
That there are no consequences to her bad behavior.

If you continue this relationship, you will constantly have excuse/rationalize her bad behavior to others and to yourself.. You will defend her behavior to your family.
Eventually, you will busy yourself with hobbies, work, buy shyt you don't need, or anything else to deflect/avoid dealing with the misery you are invested in.
A warning though, you can only bend-over backwards so far before your spine breaks.
And worse, she will only resent you for it...

Here is a question for you Fronzie...
What is it about her abusive behavior that works for YOU?
It's NOT OK that she gets mad over buying too many eggs.
It's NOT OK that she criticizes everything you do
It's NOT OK that she criticizes how you prepare your food,
It's NOT OK that she criticizes how you dress
Something about her crappy treatment of you is appealing/comfortable.
You need to figure this out or risk repeating this cycle all over again by attracting another/similar woman.
You can not solve a problem with the same level of consciousness that got you into it...

So what are your limits? Where are your boundaries?
Would you accept her behavior from a total stranger?
Obviously you are starting to question this relationship because you are posting on SoSuave.

Here is a line my therapist used on me...
"Step back and imagine yourself as your father/parent observing the relationship between you and your girlfriend. What parental advice would you give to child Fronzie".
Stepping back and looking objectively through the eyes of a caring third-party at the situation, usually makes the answer pretty obvious.

Diehards last paragraph above is bang-on..
Knowing what to do and doing it are two very different things..
Leaving will be hard...Staying away forever with be harder.
Your ultimate happiness hangs in the balance.

Being alone by yourself isn't nearly as horrible as being lonely with someone...

There are better/healthier/happier women out there who will appreciate and treat you properly.
Years from now you will look back and wonder why you stayed as long as you have.

Respect...

 

[penkitten]

She's a bully. Don't stay in an abusive relationship.

 

[sodbuster]

Been IN that relationship, but it started AFTER the wedding and the first son. RUN! You do NOT want this woman in your life for 10, 20 years. Because when you finally get your head out of your azz and realize it's wrong. It will cost you child support, alimony, and a property settlement. Then you are happier, but with half your stuff. I stuck it out until the boys were old enough to PICK where they wanted to live. 8 years of hell, being alone in a marriage, staying later at work so you don't have to see the b1tch....

 

[froznie]

Crap.

Thanks for all the replies guys. I'm definitively thinking of putting an end to it but like the first poster said it's not easy. We're both in our 30s too so I guess it's a bit harder now than when we were like 18 or something where you start and end relationships like nothing.

In any event, she's not as bad as she was when I first met her which gives me some (perhaps false) hope that it may yet keep getting better. It's still pretty bad, but I believe she did get better. Someone talked about her seeing a therapist, and she did do it, but she only saw the therapist about 2 or 3 times so far, and every time a few months apart. Funny thing is, when she's drunk she's not like that at all she actually becomes super sweet... like if alcohol allows her to finally chill a bit. I don't want her to become an alcoholic though, and Baileys can get expensive. But perhaps the fact that alcohol has such an impact on her means that maybe some meds could work... we talked about it and she is open to taking meds to see if it helps her but she doesn't seem to really think there's much hope. It's hard on her too because she can never really relax and her blood pressure is very high (which is another problem in and of its own).

I think part of the problem is that she's very intolerant... it's like if nothing short of "everything going perfectly" is intolerable to her. She gets super pissed off for example whenever there is some traffic on the streets. And now no one in her family wants to live with her, it's kind of sad in a way. And if she is the one who makes a mistake, like buying something we already have, etc., she's going to call herself stupid and dumb over and over again, like she's just unable to forgive herself.

Dammit what the hell did I get myself into. I guess part of what attracted me to her is that she's an awesome cook. Seriously she could start a restaurant. And she's very doting, if I'm sick in bed with a fever or something she just does everything in the house and brings me food to bed.

 

[Sprayarc]

Then fvck her. Women are either fuel or baggage.

 

[hanni]

time to say goodbye, sounds like to me.

 

[parkthebus]

What do you do when she screams at you?

 

[hanni]

I'd leave, immediately and never go back.

 

[glass half full]

sounds exactly like my last ex. Run...while you still can.

 

[Sprayarc]

Crap.

Thanks for all the replies guys. I'm definitively thinking of putting an end to it but like the first poster said it's not easy. We're both in our 30s too so I guess it's a bit harder now than when we were like 18 or something where you start and end relationships like nothing.

In any event, she's not as bad as she was when I first met her which gives me some (perhaps false) hope that it may yet keep getting better. It's still pretty bad, but I believe she did get better. Someone talked about her seeing a therapist, and she did do it, but she only saw the therapist about 2 or 3 times so far, and every time a few months apart. Funny thing is, when she's drunk she's not like that at all she actually becomes super sweet... like if alcohol allows her to finally chill a bit. I don't want her to become an alcoholic though, and Baileys can get expensive. But perhaps the fact that alcohol has such an impact on her means that maybe some meds could work... we talked about it and she is open to taking meds to see if it helps her but she doesn't seem to really think there's much hope. It's hard on her too because she can never really relax and her blood pressure is very high (which is another problem in and of its own).

I think part of the problem is that she's very intolerant... it's like if nothing short of "everything going perfectly" is intolerable to her. She gets super pissed off for example whenever there is some traffic on the streets. And now no one in her family wants to live with her, it's kind of sad in a way. And if she is the one who makes a mistake, like buying something we already have, etc., she's going to call herself stupid and dumb over and over again, like she's just unable to forgive herself.

Dammit what the hell did I get myself into. I guess part of what attracted me to her is that she's an awesome cook. Seriously she could start a restaurant. And she's very doting, if I'm sick in bed with a fever or something she just does everything in the house and brings me food to bed.

This women has deep seated psychological issues that she should get professional help for. Every morning when you wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, into your own.eyes and say "I can't change her or save her".

You will never help this woman get better. All you'll do is make your life worse.what ever it takes break the bond and separate from her asap.

I repeat. Don't try to save her, it will not work. Don't do it.

Trust me. I dealt with a woman like this for the first time in my life a couple months ago. Waste of my time. Run away. You can't fix her, so don't even try.

 

[ubercat]

Mate u don't have kids. Run quick before that happens.

 

[Tictac]

Life's too short man.

Get out.

 

[Sprayarc]

If she gave a **** she would clearly show it in her behavior. Her real issue is that she needs to get over herself. She's mad all the time because she believes she's more important than she is.

Because she believes she is so important, she believes things should go perfectly ( things going prefect is subjective, really it means things should go her way or benefit her). Unfortunately that's not how the world or life works.

She drinks to cope with her negative feelings due to her expectations not being fulfilled.

It's extremely unlikely her expectations will ever be reached because with expectation that's reached it'll never be enough. She'll only want more and more.

It's impossible for her expectations to be

You're only wasting time.