she tried to friendzone me, I said no and now she avoids me.. WTF?

[nismo-4]

This really needs to be read.

This is more fitting.

So is this.

 

[joker79]

Guys, just to clarify: I don't give a **** about her (unless she wants to become a fb). I was just curious about the psychology behind her behaviour.

 

[Kailex]

You tell someone you don't want to have any type of a relationship with them, at all.

They react accordingly. And continue to do so.

What psychology are you trying to analyze?

 

[joker79]

as I specified, she's avoiding me at all costs on purpose. Kailex do you think it's normal?

 

[sylvester the cat]

And we can't live if we are too afraid to die.



Curiosity also gives us knowledge.


Let's not shame men for asking questions, but rather let's ask and learn as is the intent of this site.


As for the right way to handle it. Rollo as usual has some fantastic advice.

depends on what kind of knowledge you are after.

he is asking strangers on the internet about the inner workings of a girl's mind who we have never met.

he can ask us until the cows come home and he can get inductive theories from Casanova himself but unless she tells him herself he will never know.

you know as well as i do that such questions lead to oneitis hell so let's not talk about shaming other men mr 'holier than thou'.

 

[sylvester the cat]

Order! Order!

The OP shouldn't hold his breath for this. What, the OP should be some beta orbiter? If a woman tries to friendzone you, you have failed.

OP, of course this woman is avoiding you because she lost a potential emotional tampon/ beta orbiter/ shoulder to cry on. Never be friends first or friends with a woman you want to bang.

Case closed.

I'll rephrase: female 'contacts'.

 

[joker79]

he is asking strangers on the internet about the inner workings of a girl's mind who we have never met.

he can ask us until the cows come home and he can get inductive theories from Casanova himself but unless she tells him herself he will never know.

That is why I asked if you guys have similar experiences (do you remember my first post?)

 

[sylvester the cat]

That is why I asked if you guys have similar experiences (do you remember my first post?)

yes. i do have similar experiences. not a day goes by that i don't interact with people whose behaviour i cannot fathom and if i spent my days trying to figure them out or what makes them tick i'd get nothing done.

i have no idea why she is behaving the way she does especially as it was a year ago you said no to being friends. why don't you just ask her?

 

[sylvester the cat]

And yet, here we are, all strange men discussing strange women, pontificating upon women on the internet. Strange how that can still give great advice and knowledge, such as Rollo's great advice. Do you think he has one-itis?

Lastly, questions do not lead to one-itis. Lack of options do. Mr dumber than dog$hit. But hey, keep being an idiot and not trying to figure $hit out. It makes for getting so so far in life.

i did not say questions lead to oneitis. i said 'such' questions.

stop twisting my words to suit your drama-inducing agendas. :moon:

 

[FairShake]

"Ruthless no contact" is avoidance.

It's also mean. Some girl doesn't want to bang you so you just shut down. Sounds like you take it personal. Which is the exact opposite of what "game" is.

You should be friendly with her. Friendzone HER and try and get her to introduce you to her friends. That's what a bro would do right?

 

[Jaylan]

Guys, just to clarify: I don't give a **** about her (unless she wants to become a fb). I was just curious about the psychology behind her behaviour.

You dont care yet you acted like a baby about this, and were thinking about this crap for a year? lol ok.

You shouldnt have even made a big deal out of this since you work with her. Now word is gonna get around, and prolly hurt your rep with coworkers (especially other women you may wanna date).

You shouldnt be fvking around with women you work with anyways. Be smart.

 

[sylvester the cat]

"such questions" are a subset of questions.

So my statement still applies. Questions do not lead to one-itis. Lack of options leads to one-itis.

Learn to communicate and maybe you will have an easier time in life.

not necessarily. a man could have a whole harem of girls but be obsessing about this one girl who is not giving him attention. the question 'why is she not giving me attention?' without getting answers could lead to an obsession aka oneitis.

conversely a man with a lack of options could be faced with the same scenario and shrug it off knowing that such questions lead to oneitis. though a lack of options is usually the cause of asking such questions which lead to oneitis it doesn't mean it will lead to oneitis every time as your statement implies.

 

[sylvester the cat]

But you recognize that the lack of options is the root cause, not the asking questions.

This entire forum is predicated on asking questions about girls and why they do what they do. It doesn't mean that every question is derived from one-itis or develops one-itis.

If we are to impact women, then first we must understand them. That means we should never stop asking questions which we do not know the answer to.

It isn't the question itself that is damaging, it is the lack of options at the root. Misdiagnosing this and stopping the asking of questions as a result will only lead to ignorance moreso than creation of one-itis.

To put it another way......

If we tell men to not ask such questions for fear of one-it is, we get a FULL 100% population of ignorant men on the subject.

If we tell men they should ask questions, even if somehow it did lead to one-it is (which it doesn't), that means we would still trade a full population of educated men for a small number of one-itis victims.

That's a good trade.

asking questions in order to understand women? absolutely.

asking why a girl who i rejected her attempt to friendzone me is not talking to me one year on? i would have to question why i'm asking that question. and the answer to that question would most probably lead to the answer that OP doesn't want to hear. he does care. and he does have oneitis. and as the girl in question is not an option as a plate he does need to address the issue. and the first thing he would need to do is to stop asking why she is not talking to him and go seek other options.

 

[joker79]

asking questions in order to understand women? absolutely.

asking why a girl who i rejected her attempt to friendzone me is not talking to me one year on? i would have to question why i'm asking that question. and the answer to that question would most probably lead to the answer that OP doesn't want to hear. he does care. and he does have oneitis. and as the girl in question is not an option as a plate he does need to address the issue. and the first thing he would need to do is to stop asking why she is not talking to him and go seek other options.

@Sylvster: I kind of agree with your analysis. Regarding the "options" topic I've got 3 plates spinning (one pretty seriously I'd say) therefore it's definitely not lack of options. What I could say is that the options I've got now are not as attractive as the girl I'm talking about. That goes back to my self-esteem I suppose and the ability to attract chicks as attractive as she is. And, to a certain extent, knowing that she 's butthurt would make me feel better as this would be the proof that she's regretting it. That said, I think we're overcomplicating the problem. Either I ask and get an answer or I stop asking myself stupid questions.

 

[sylvester the cat]

Sylvester, I agree with you of what you say.

Did it never occur to you that one should know so you can better understand the impact and improve the response should a girl give the LJBF again?

Continuous improvement, everywhere. That means asking questions.

lol. you mad?

I'm not saying OP should stop asking questions and live his life in darkness.

If you want to improve then you need to ask the right questions. Asking why a girl who isn't interested in him isn't talking to him is hardly on the path to improvement, is it?

Asking how to forget this chick and be satisfied with the poontang he already has or how to get a hotter chick that would make him forget the chick in question or how to live a satisfying and fulfilling life without any chicks whatsoever would be a better question.

 

[TARKUS]

That is what you get for dating a co worker. I wouldn't want to have to deal with a girl in a professional work setting when things went south. Why do you care? You told her no to being friends. What do you expect?

 

[sylvester the cat]

And, to a certain extent, knowing that she 's butthurt would make me feel better as this would be the proof that she's regretting it. That said, I think we're overcomplicating the problem. Either I ask and get an answer or I stop asking myself stupid questions.

well, you said it joker. your sense of balance and well-being according to what you just said is dependent on this girl's being butthurt and regretful which is not coming from a very powerful place.

ideally your well-being should be dependent on nobody but yourself if you want to demonstrate true power and confidence which is so attractive to women.

clearly you demonstrate this with the other plates but probably because you don't care so much about them. that you care about this particular girl is what probably turned her off and which she picked up on subconsciously. in short, genuinely stop caring if you want any chance of her being attracted to you. such is the paradoxical nature of women.

 

[sylvester the cat]

Why would I be mad?

If I were in his shoes, I would want to know WHY she behaved the way she did after I rejected the LJBF so that I could improve upon my actions and leverage it appropriately.

Why? An improper LJBF can damage your reputation, especially if she is propogating bad information about him, c0ckblocking him preemptively, etc.

What is there to know here that you don't already know? She LJBFded him and he said no. What other reason could there be for her to be ignoring him bearing in mind that was a year ago. Had he said yes to her kind offer of friendship then he might have cause for question.

But let's say for sake of argument she was doing it to get a rise out of him in the hope that he would come grovelling, desperate to know why she isn't talking to him. In either case how are you going to respond? Are you going to continue maintaining a strong frame and do what you do or are you going to spend your time and energy worrying about what is going through her mind and do exactly what she hoped you'd do - come grovelling.

You're an intelligent guy. You can't seriously expect me to believe that you would choose the latter. Can you?

 

[sylvester the cat]

If you had read my earlier post here, and the link, you would understand what else there is to know.

WHY she acted like she did. Which is exactly the question the OP asked.

The answer comes courtesy of Rollo Tomassi:






You are asking the wrong questions.

The real question is, why did she act as she did. I provided the answer, and the suggestion as to how to respond to the LJBF statement.

You are telling him to stop thinking about her. That is fine, but it doesn't answer his question, nor does it get to the root of the issue.

• While you are telling her that it doesn't matter and he should just not think about her (giving him a fish).....
• I am telling him WHY she responded as she did, and what to say for future LJBFs so as to not create damage with a woman who can still impact his future (teach him to fish).

I am all for not thinking about a girl, however, not if it means being in perpetual ignorance and unable to respond appropriately to the same situation if it comes up with a future prospect.

I see your point and whilst I agree with everything you and Rollo say about the situation (although it merely amplifies what is already suspected - that she is ignoring him because he rejected her LJBF offer), my point was that her behavior wasn't a direct reaction from his LJBF rejection. He already stated that that event occurred a year ago. It would be interesting to know how her behavior was from when he rejected her up until she started ignoring him a year later.

OP has also made it quite clear that his original question was a form of wishful thinking in that he was hoping that the girl was butthurt and regretted not developing things with him and was, by ignoring him, trying to win back his attention. he was looking for confirmation of this wishful thinking from us and it was this wishful thinking (in the form of the original question) that i was suggesting would lead to one-itis.

 

[sylvester the cat]

My impression was that she has ignored him for a year and that he was surprised it lasted so long.

I think she is ignoring based on how he rejected the LJBF. I also suspect that he did that rejection based on a belief it would "change her mind". Which as You and I both know is not the purpose of rejecting the LJBF.




I understand this point. And this is why I think he rejected the LJBF the way he did, in the hopes that she would change her mind. It is for this reason I believe he needed to better understand the mechanics behind the LJBF and how to best counter it. Not to generate attraction or a change of mind of course, but so as to not allow future damage due to her "butt-hurtedness".


Unfortunately he did not have the long-term perspective to see how it would play out. Hopefully Rollo's discussion on the topic will help him in the future.

dialectics.