She loves to party

[sargent158]

This only place i get the best advice, so here we go

Ive been going out with my girl for a year and 3 months now. I love her and get along great with her and God willing I will be asking her to marry me some time next year. My issue is that she loves to go out to bars and clubs. I actually met her at a bar and I'm the type of guy that wouldn't hit the girl up again if i met her at a place like that but with her it was different and i was right.

 Im not into clubbing and going to bars and i've told her, i even told her that i dont have a problem with her going but i wouldnt like it if she was going all the time. I understand i don't own her and she is free to do whatever she wants but lately she is going out all the time, any little celebration the chick wants to go out. 

Most the time that she goes out i don't go with her because i work grave yard shifts. She says she hates "going without me" but she goes out with out me all the time. 

I guess i just wish she could tone it down but i just don't know how to tell her because i don't feel like making her feel like I'm trying to control her. 

When I'm at work i start thinking of her dancing with some guy and rubbing up on them. She says she wouldn't do that and i believe she wouldnt if she is sober but if she's drunk i could see it happening. 

I mean think about it, lets say she had a few drinks and she is feeling good dancing in the dance floor with her girlfriend and 2 guys come and one of them grabs her friend and the other one tries to grab her and dance i really doubt she is gonna say no and just stand there.  And to me is not so much her dancing with a guy that gets me feeling annoyed is more of the not knowing exactly whats going and the fact that if it is happening she's not telling me. 

Truth of the matter is that i don't trust her when she is out there, i want to but she has never said or done something that has proven me that i can trust her when she is out there at these clubs and bars. 

When i was single i did some crazy **** when i went to these places and I'm sure theres a mess of guys there that are willing to do that and more and they don't care if the girl has a man or not. 

 

[Fly By Night]

Well you tell me :l

You've dated her for a year and some, has she given off hints that she is messing around? And you really have to be prepared for her to want to party a lot if you actually do decide to get married. You need to be prepared to set the boundaries around this subject (she might decline or reluctantly agree). The question is can you be completely comfortable in that relationship with her going out a lot? And if not, then why are you contemplating to marry her?

I've never been married or worried about it, but as far as I've heard, you want to have no doubt in your mind about your decision to get married.

Also, how old are you?

Don't marry her

That was my initial thought.

 

[sargent158]

Well you tell me :l

You've dated her for a year and some, has she given off hints that she is messing around? And you really have to be prepared for her to want to party a lot if you actually do decide to get married. You need to be prepared to set the boundaries around this subject (she might decline or reluctantly agree). The question is can you be completely comfortable in that relationship with her going out a lot? And if not, then why are you contemplating to marry her?

I've never been married or worried about it, but as far as I've heard, you want to have no doubt in your mind about your decision to get married.

Also, how old are you?



That was my initial thought.

Yeah i forgot to add that im 24 years old and she's 22

 

[DonJuanabe]

Marrying a 23 year old (next year) will only add to the number of divorcees in the future.

 

[youngmack]

Read what PairPlusRoyalFlush said. Nothing more nothing less

 

[Iggy69]

Kind of reminds me of one of my LTR which did not end well...

Chances are the friend she goes out with is a s1ut. And if the guy with the right game comes and talks to her in the bar/club she will most likely talk to him, do you really think she's shooting down every guy that approaches her? Chances are she's declining most, but it only takes the right guy with the right game and the right approach.

You met this girl at a bar, this girl is a party girl and you fell in love with that and now want to take her out her natural habitat, not going to happen...

I'm sure somewhere through the relationship you got too comfortable and went afc.

Your in too deep now, I would say prepare for the worst case scenario (you know what it is also). I wish I had better advice for you, but like I said I've been through this and it did not end well at all. It was a lesson learned for me, you should have tread more carefully at the beginning.

One last thing get marriage out your head asap!

 

[Harry Wilmington]

Dude, real talk: you're making too big of a deal about this.

Someone once told me something that got me rid of my worries about a girl leaving me: "if they like you, they'll be loyal and you keep them; if they're not, dump 'em and find someone else."

In other words, you have no real control over how she acts when you're not around. Even if she wasn't clubbing, she could still end up going any number of places (i.e. co-worker's house, out-of-town trip, an alley somewhere) and cheat on you. It doesn't have to be at a club - if a woman wants to cheat on you, she can do it just about anywhere.

The point, though, is this: if she hasn't given you a reason to doubt her up to this point, her partying should be no big deal. If she's still giving it to you regularly and you're not seeing any signs of cheating going on, you should be good. If you DO start seeing signs of it, just dump her and find someone else. She's not the only chick on the planet, guy.

You're throwing your own trust issues at this situation. You're basing it on what you used to do when you were at clubs. That doesn't necessarily mean it's the same way with her. However, if you're not trusting of her words or actions, you really shouldn't be dating her in the first place. Trust is supposed to be the foundation for the relationship - if you don't have that, there's no point in you being with her.

 

[sargent158]

Hey guys,

I understand what your saying and i respect it.

But would it be wrong for me to ask her to tone it down?

I mean if she was willing to not go as much then that's what im looking for?

I mean she does have other qualities which are the reason that make me think i do want to marry this girl. But the going out just makes me want to take it slower with her

 

[sargent158]

Dude, real talk: you're making too big of a deal about this.

Someone once told me something that got me rid of my worries about a girl leaving me: "if they like you, they'll be loyal and you keep them; if they're not, dump 'em and find someone else."

In other words, you have no real control over how she acts when you're not around. Even if she wasn't clubbing, she could still end up going any number of places (i.e. co-worker's house, out-of-town trip, an alley somewhere) and cheat on you. It doesn't have to be at a club - if a woman wants to cheat on you, she can do it just about anywhere.

The point, though, is this: if she hasn't given you a reason to doubt her up to this point, her partying should be no big deal. If she's still giving it to you regularly and you're not seeing any signs of cheating going on, you should be good. If you DO start seeing signs of it, just dump her and find someone else. She's not the only chick on the planet, guy.

You're throwing your own trust issues at this situation. You're basing it on what you used to do when you were at clubs. That doesn't necessarily mean it's the same way with her. However, if you're not trusting of her words or actions, you really shouldn't be dating her in the first place. Trust is supposed to be the foundation for the relationship - if you don't have that, there's no point in you being with her.

I agree with this

 

[Packers2010]

Don't marry her

the only advice you need.. here i will put it in song form for you..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6vwNcNOTVzY

 

[roflzaur]

Truth of the matter is that i don't trust her when she is out there, i want to but she has never said or done something that has proven me that i can trust her when she is out there at these clubs and bars. 

Trust your gut. Girls who go out clubbing without their S.O do it for a reason.

Women will tell you its to dance with their girlfriends. But why at a club? For the attention. This shows she has a high chance of histrionic personality disorder. They may tell you its something to do with friends, but people are friends with people like themselves.

HPDs:

(1) love being the center of attention, and
(2) eventually devalue of their partners, hence problems sustaining a relationship past the 'honeymoon phase'

this causes at least some HPD's to probably cheat at a higher rate than other disordered or normal people.
It also seems that when HPD's cheat they have devalued their partner and by then, cheating is often the final step in ending one relationship and moving on to the next. Cheating by HPD's does not necessarily involve sex but can be simple 'emotional cheating,' which might involve heavy flirting and teasing; i.e., spending more romantic time with someone else other than your significant other.

I believe my gf has HPD/BPD and after reading her texts I found out she is emotionally cheating on me. Do yourself a favor, ditch the girl and find a more stable, mature girl.

 

[VladPatton]

I can imagine how this can get real old real fast...the whole partaaaaaaaaay! woohooo! thing can be really annoying after a while. You just don't like it and that's that. There seems to me a maturity incompatibility here.

This is a cougar in the making. She's gonna probably be doing this when she's 50 and no one married her. Some people can't get the compulsive partying out of their system.

Start distancing the marriage thoughts at 24yrs old, you have too many doubts.

 

[SamTheHobit]

If you plan on marrying her and can't even talk to her about something like this then that means...
Don't marry her.

 

[omega05]

why dont you start going out to parties and she how she likes it

 

[foreverAFC]

this has disaster written all over it

 

[Voice]

If you don't think you can trust her than why are you considering marrying her? I'd agree that marriage may not be the best idea. At least not YET. She's only going to be 23 and really hasn't had a chance to experience a whole lot yet. There's no way I'm ready to marry my gf now or in the next few years. But that's really up to you.

I think it's normal if your gf goes out in moderation. I'm not surprised that she wants to go out. At her age, I'm sure a majority of her friends are going out and she wants to hang out with them. On the other hand if she's clubbing 5 times a week and coming back the next morning reeking of cologne then you have a problem. I think you may be overreacting. My gf goes out with her friends without me sometimes. Then again I also go out with my friends without her. I try to avoid dancing with other girls and it's pretty hard but I don't go grinding with random chicks. I may have a friendly dance here and there but nothing crossing the line because I value my gf too much.

I've had the same thoughts as you before. Often times I worry that some suave, jacked dude is gonna sweep my gf of her feet when she's drunk partying with her friends. But then I realize if she lets something like that happen, then the relationship isn't really valid anymore and it's been over already. "I was drunk" is not a valid excuse in my book. Also, I assume that when I go out she's probably having the same worries about me. If your gf isn't having those worries than there is something wrong there.

You are probably past the partying phase while she is not. That often could be the case when dating younger girls. Don't sweat it though man. Just consider going out with her more. Maybe you should just loosen up and have some fun with your gf because at this point of her life I'm willing to be FUN is what she is looking for. She's probably a little upset you aren't willing to do that. I wouldn't be surprised if she is dancing with other guys. It probably isn't because she is looking to hook up or replace you per say, but rather just to have a good time.

 

[bigneil]

You need to give her space, improve yourself, create mystery and watch what develops over the long term. She might outgrow the party phase, and if you've stayed close then you'll have opportunities in the future.

Young girls often turn into their own opposite in 6 months.

 

[csycpr]

 Im not into clubbing and going to bars and i've told her, i even told her that i dont have a problem with her going but i wouldnt like it if she was going all the time. I understand i don't own her and she is free to do whatever she wants but lately she is going out all the time, any little celebration the chick wants to go out. 

Honestly dude, if THIS isn't cause for some serious suspicion then I don't know what is.

Imo, you let her get away with it at the start, she tested the waters and realized that you wouldn't make a fuss and now she's pressing the accelerator. I would not be at all surprised to learn she's already cheated on you, and more than once too. (Would anyone here be surprised? I doubt it.)

If you don't know much about her friends, find out what they're like. If her friends are slvts then I'm afraid your gf is not likely to be too much different. She may be less of a slvt but I would bet she has some slvttish tendencies lurking below. These kinds of girls are usually friends with each other. You seldom see slvttish girls being friends with non-slvttish girls.

If she was as happy with you as you are with her, why would she want to go partying so much? It doesn't make sense. It seems to me she is much less afraid of losing you than you are of losing her. If I'm wrong, then you would confront her about it. But you're afraid of losing her so you tell yourself it's because you "don't want to control her." That's not very believable.

Sorry if this sounds harsh. I usually don't give advice on these sorts of things, but if you're thinking of marrying the girl, that's a pretty big deal, so I felt I should speak up.

 

[5string]

OP would not have posted this unless something showed up on his radar.

Incoming.

 

[pdx1138]

Dude, she's 22.

OF COURSE she's going to want to party, thats what 20's are for.

If you want a girl thats less into clubbing, you have to find ones in
their mid 30's.