She is close friends with her ex

[BAne]

I will try to give as much solid background as i can without giving you too much to read. I realize there is always more to the story. Please ask questions if you need more information.

Basicly I have been dating someone on and off casualy for a number of years. Recently in the past few months this has become very serious. We are now throwing the L word around and talking about making big life changes in terms of taking the next steps including mariage

The biggest issue right now for me in moving forward is that she is remains close friends with someone she also used to date on and off for years. At first she told me it had been more then five years since they had slept together. After further investigation and prodding her she admitted the last time they had been physical was more like two years ago.

These two tal on a regular basis and have lunch, drinks etc. Well he was engaged for a year and now has broken it off. At least once a week he texts her with little messages pulling on her heart strings. She would defend it saying they are just friends and she only wnats to be with me. That she has a chance now to be with him and doesn't want it.

Well last week he sent her a text saying he flat out missed her. She admitted this was maybe him pushing further then apropriate and responded with a text message that subtly sent a clear message she was happy with me.

The other day he hit her up again. Asking when she's gonna move in with me trying to be charming and what not.

She said, "did you expect me to never speak to the guy again? He is my firend, we have been through allot?"

I said "do you expect to speak with him every week for the rest of our lives ?"

She said, "is that unreasonable?"

I don't want to control her but what is reasonable in a serious relationships when friends as exes are involved? This obviously a back burner move in my opinion. She has a history of going back to guys from the past (me and him included) when relationships aren't working out.

She says it is differnt with me but shouldn't this situation be a big red flag for me? Last week he texted her saying he would put his jealosys aside and is glad she is happy. Yet a wekk later he chimes in again with the same cheesy lines. It is clear his intentions are more then friends.

She has asked me what I think is reasonable in terms of handling this situation. I said I would think about it.


So basicly give her an ultimatum? Or ask that she back him off keep in touch sporadicly. If that doesn't work ether it's him or me?

It terms of her history she says it is differnt with me. She has never felt this way about someone before. That he is not a factor. Is this bull?

Pleas advise.

 

[BadNews]

I've been in an almost identical situation. The real question here is how much does this bother you? THAT is what you need to figure out. Giving her an ultimatum will only do 1 of 2 things.

A) Make her cut him out of her life, subsequently creating a growing amount of resentment towards you for "controlling her."

B) She'll pick him, in which case you lose anyways.

You need to decide whether or not you can handle this guy being friends with your girl, possibly trying to make moves, for the forseeable future. IN MY HONEST OPINION, it's not worth it. Unless you can make the decision that it is not going to bother you (and lets be honest here, we all know it will bother you) the relationship is doomed to fail.

I would suggest you walk away. You may be able to make it work for a while, but in the long run one of you will be resentful of the other if the relationship continues with or without this dude in her life.

 

[BAne]

I've been in an almost identical situation. The real question here is how much does this bother you? THAT is what you need to figure out. Giving her an ultimatum will only do 1 of 2 things.

A) Make her cut him out of her life, subsequently creating a growing amount of resentment towards you for "controlling her."

B) She'll pick him, in which case you lose anyways.

You need to decide whether or not you can handle this guy being friends with your girl, possibly trying to make moves, for the forseeable future. IN MY HONEST OPINION, it's not worth it. Unless you can make the decision that it is not going to bother you (and lets be honest here, we all know it will bother you) the relationship is doomed to fail.

I would suggest you walk away. You may be able to make it work for a while, but in the long run one of you will be resentful of the other if the relationship continues with or without this dude in her life.

I appreciate your answer because it seems well thought out. Is it really that cut and dry though. She spends less time with him now than she used too. She has offered for me to have a face to face with him. Is this progress?

 

[BadNews]

I wouldn't consider that progress to be honest. I even attempted to be "friends" with the guy in my case. They had dated for nearly 7 years, been out of contact for 2 years, and were now "best friends."

I put in an honest effort to be "okay" with their relationship, but in the end I still had feelings of uneasiness and eventually resentment towards their relationship and ultimately her.

I know it sucks to hear it, but unless she makes the decision that she's serious enough about you to cut him of OWN will...you need to walk away. Maybe walking away, going NC on her will make her realize she values her relationship with you more than with the other guy. Maybe not. Either way, I would highly suggest leaving the situation before you become too emotionally involved with the girl as it only gets harder and harder with time.

Good luck.

 

[BAne]

I wouldn't consider that progress to be honest. I even attempted to be "friends" with the guy in my case. They had dated for nearly 7 years, been out of contact for 2 years, and were now "best friends."

I put in an honest effort to be "okay" with their relationship, but in the end I still had feelings of uneasiness and eventually resentment towards their relationship and ultimately her.

What was the ultimate outcome with this situation? Why did it end? Did they get back together?

 

[BAne]

Would not be surprised if there are more friends she has" been through a lot with".

If your refering her to being the kind of girl that has guy friends. Yes there is an element of that it's mostly harmless but ofcourse they are guys and would love to get her into bed. She has been single for a while before me and I can't knock her for dating.

Yes I see what your saying I'm not a chump. But perhaps you could be more clear what your getting at and based on what so we can see if any progress can be made.

Or are you just saying she is a crazy sex crazed floosy going around behind my back constantly and always will be?

 

[Cremasta]

Basicly I have been dating someone on and off casualy for a number of years. Recently in the past few months this has become very serious. We are now throwing the L word around and talking about making big life changes in terms of taking the next steps including mariage

See, this is where your (and her) game needs to change a bit.

If you're still just dating casually, then, yeah fine, go and hang out with other guys including your ex, like I could give a sh!t.

But when your relationship becomes something serious and your talking about marriage, then you both have the right to start expecting some compromises on your previous lifestyles from each other.

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to go and say to her very directly something like "I don't mind you hanging out with guy friends, but not an ex who is obviously trying to get back with you, that's just not pleasant for me." I wouldn't demand that she cut him out of her life, but she definitely needs to wind it back several notches and make it clear to him where he stands in her life.

Her reaction will soon tell you whether or not you are her priority and if you should be considering marriage with this girl.

 

[hithard]

You basically have a guy working every low point in your relationship against you. All he has to do is catch her in the right moment. But if you put down an ultimatum she will just keep in contact with him behind your back. I'd be questioning if I wanted to go into a relationship with three people.

 

[BAne]

I guess I didn't realize what I was getting into when we weren't serious.

 

[transmission]

Bro, your situation sounds pretty much identical to mine. What hithard said is pretty spot on.
You have a few options.. You can give her an ultimatum and hope it works out.
Alternatively, if she has told you that she wants to be with you and she is friends and nothing else with the ex you can give her the benefit of the doubt that she doesnt **** up and trust her. Maybe ease off in the relationship a little bit, maintain a stance to be ready to walk away if your trust is broken though, dont put up with being played.

 

[Greasy Pig]

Obviously she is being open and honest with you in that she is telling you about what this guy is doing.
I think that's admirable on her part. At least she's not trying to hide her interactions with him.
The last thing you want to do is drive her "underground" so I think just play it cool for a while longer.
What you do have to wonder though is why she wants to keep him in her life?
Maybe she gets an ego boost from his flirts.
Maybe she's keeping him on the hook in case things don't work out with you?

In saying that, I think if you make a serious and rational request for her to cut right back with her interactions with him, she should value you and the relationship enough to honour your wishes.

 

[Greasy Pig]

^^
True. Maybe she's just a sh1t-stirring kunt.

 

[cola]

If she was really into you the way you need her to be, you wouldn't have to tell her to stop talking to a ex boyfriend, she would just do it. Therefore, since you don't want to try to control her life, its best you just pursue other options.

Say that to her in those words. She will either stop contact with the ex or agree to leave you.
Either way its a win win .. You don't want to have this guy orbiting your girl .. One moment of weakness is all it would take.

Or option 2#
You tell her its fine as long as you can talk to female friends, and you find a back up chick ..

Because thats all he is, a back up plate for her ..

 

[Buddha_Mind]

Clearly if this woman comes and goes out of off-and-on again relationships (yourself included), it is likely that she carries feelings for people for a long time.

I think everyone who really LOVED someone will always care about them in some degree. It can be dangerous bringing those people back closely into our lives, if the emotions are not fully understood, or even more so, if in an existing relationship.

I've always felt uncomfortable about "exes", I think it only makes sense that "exes" are "exes" for a reason, not "presents" or Now's -- they are lovers from the past. I wouldn't expect a woman of mine to deal with an ex, and I don't want to deal with hers to be honest. I had nothing to do with that relationship and have no ties to those people. (that's my thinking)

This question is more about what you want. You could let this continue and it could taper down, he could find another woman and get distracted. She could catalyze it and spend more time with him, their relationship could escalate or decline into the future, it is hard to predict exactly. Posters are right, he is hinging on low-points in your relationship (when she is stressed with you perhaps she would take solace in his texts/attention?). Another option is to put your foot down about what you expect out of a committed and honest relationship. If she can't respect that, and that's what you want, maybe you ought to let her go. Otherwise this will never end. Or, she'll develop other male satellites into the future.

How old is she? Parents together or separate? In school / finished with school?

I tried to say "I don't like you hanging out with your ex's" to a chick once and it only fueled her in anger and resentment against me. It was, her actions at the time, a red flag and I should have cut her loose. I was too attached and 'loved her'.

 

[alphaace]

Obviously she is being open and honest with you in that she is telling you about what this guy is doing.
I think that's admirable on her part. At least she's not trying to hide her interactions with him.
The last thing you want to do is drive her "underground" so I think just play it cool for a while longer.
What you do have to wonder though is why she wants to keep him in her life?
Maybe she gets an ego boost from his flirts.
Maybe she's keeping him on the hook in case things don't work out with you?

In saying that, I think if you make a serious and rational request for her to cut right back with her interactions with him, she should value you and the relationship enough to honour your wishes.

WRONG!!! She sure was open and honest about the no physical contact for five years, then it turned into two years, and even that is doubtful. And we all know how trueful woman are right? No one of this forum knows this girl more than you, so take everything you read with a grain of salt. That being said, my opinion is this. Their is absolutly no reason to be friends with an ex unless you are FBs. She has lunch and drinks with this guy, lunch I could understand, but drinks? You need to realize everytime you and your girl have a argument, no matter how small, he is the first person she is going to run to, and they are going to talk about EVERYTHING. If you two were really talking about marriage than this other guy shouldn't even exist, HE IS AN EX BOYFRIEND. You need to withdraw yourself from the relationship a little bit and have her think about what she wan'ts.

 

[Down Low]

Kill the mother fvcker. Nuff said.

 

[SamTheHobit]

Kill the mother fvcker. Nuff said.

Exactly

Or

Agree to see him, and when you do fvck him up. At least she'll know how you feel about him and he'll know not to fvck with you or your women.

 

[Aristippus]

BAne,

This is pretty cut and dry. Would she like it if YOU were going out for drinks and lunch with one of your old girlfriends? Would she like it if you and an ex were acting all chummy? Like buddies? Would she like you talking with your old flames on the phone when you're talking about marriage? More importantly, if you're thinking about a marriage type relationship or her moving in, she should know better.

And in the end, who cares what she would do if it were you keeping in touch with the exes? How do YOU feel about it is what matters here. There are some things you shouldn't compromise on, and this is one of them. This isn't like some "orbiter" that's never been sexually involved with her either. This is someone who she's had a sexual past with. If she thinks this is normal behavior for exclusive relationships, she's not girlfriend material, she's not live-in girlfriend material and she's definitely not wife material.

I'm not saying the ex is blameless. He has a weak mentality and has no respect for other people's relationships. But the REAL problem here is HER. If a woman is crazy about you, she breaks all ties with her exes. Don't settle for less. She doesn't respect your relationship either. I'd say do NOT let her move in. You'll regret it later. Do not go any further with her. Break it off. Dump her.

***** Here's my attitude...........

She said, "did you expect me to never speak to the guy again? He is my firend, we have been through allot?"

My thoughts......That's exactly right. I expect you to never talk to him again.

*I said "do you expect to speak with him every week for the rest of our lives ?"

She said, "is that unreasonable?"

Comments.......Yes, that's VERY unreasonable.

****Of course, no ultimatum is necessary. A woman should behave appropriately on her own. If her behavior is unacceptable, ditch her.

 

[SoSuave666]

A woman should behave appropriately on her own.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

It's becoming more and more apparent that men have to DISCIPLINE women in relationships to get what we want. A spoiled princess (as are most women) won't act appropriately until she has felt some serious repercussions for her bad actions....or if she wants something. This is why, in the beginning of relationships at least, women act like such cutesie nice obedient women. It's because they WANT you. Only when they truly have you will you begin to see their demon, inappropriate ways come to light. In these instances you MUST show dominance and covertly set the rules/boundaries.

Is going out to dinner/for drinks with an ex acceptable? Of course not. The secksual tension is high between them and any emotional trigger can re-set a woman's frame about even the most beta of exes. A woman who loves you will obey your request of her not seeing her ex. My mother divorced her husband of 5 years before she met my father. When they started dating she was still talking to her ex husband because of their "history." When she started getting serious with my father though, she stopped talking to her ex all together. It's like the past 5-8 years of her life with her ex didn't even exist. Women are VERY QUICK to forget about people they don't care about, so if she's remaining 'friends' with her ex it probably means she is still secksually interested in him...at LEAST.

 

[TRSX]

I don't believe in girls being friends with ex's.

Im in a similar situation where my plate told me that she invited her ex to her brothers wedding and she got 'pressured' into it...

Give me a break. Girls know what they are doing. Once ex's and them have sex - theres no reason to be friends after.

End of story. I wont budge on this issue.

--

If I was with someone, and the girl knew that I was having a good time with an ex "hanging out exclusive, drinks, whatever" - I'm pretty sure we would get an ultimatum.

Stop putting that **** on a pedestal, take a stance. If your stance is "i'm cool with it" then be cool with it. If you're not cool with it, then hold your ground.