She is close friends with her ex

[InnerHappiness]

This is a very tough situation to be in and has happened to me. At the time, I was not emotionally or mentally developed to handle the situation. If it ever happened again, I would do this.

Accept that it is a HUGE red flag
There is absolutely no reason to continue contact or even meeting up with your Ex's. If she thinks that it is fine:

-She is losing interest in you
-Her Ex is providing something that you aren't
Somewhere in your relationship with her, you stopped being a man

Hold your composure, become emotionally detached from the relationship. Never ask when, where, why, what who questions regarding her and the ex. Let your body language do the talking; ie: crossed arms, vague responses. She will take the hints and make her decisions whether or not to continue seeing the EX. You do not control that situation

Take this as a golden opportunity to improve yourself. Don't stay home when she is out with the Ex, go out and meet new people. Especially women. Her Ex is your competition right now, give her some too. The one that cares less in the relationship ALWAYS wins.

It's tough, but the ONLY thing you control is YOURSELF. Let your actions speak, not words, that it is NOT OK to be seeing the Ex.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

Kill the mother fvcker. Nuff said.

LOL

Tell her, "it's been taken care of", and then lean back and light a stogie.

 

[hithard]

Exactly

Or

Agree to see him, and when you do fvck him up. At least she'll know how you feel about him and he'll know not to fvck with you or your women.

The above is more than likely a joke but the ex isn't the problem ,she is.
You can chase off all the ex's, but it's her behaviour that needs to change. So the issue is her.

 

[SamTheHobit]

@danger

While I do agree that telling the girl to tell the guys to get lost is a good idea.

There's also another side..

If you don't trust your girlfriend then the relationship is almost doomed to fail, so getting rid of the orbiter wouldn't really make a difference.

A lot of the time it's ones own insecurity that wants this guy gone... Wanting the guy gone would mean that you view him as a threat, which means that you don't value yourself enough and think you don't deserve your girlfriend.

The only way I see this ending, is with her seeing him as a jealous lover.

One should adopt the mindset that other guys just make you look better..

If this is coming from a place of security then I say speak to your girlfriend. Unfortunately a lot of the times this is not the case.

 

[Atom Smasher]

There is no such thing as an innocent friendship between a man and a woman. :nono:

There is always an undercurrent of sex, always on one person's part but usually on both.

How old are you, OP? [You guys should have your age showing on your sidebar.]

She wants to have her cake and eat it, too. She enjoys the attention of this ex, and regards him (probably subconsciously) as a safety net. Either you need to turn the tables with an ex or a "friend" of your own or you need to back way off in order to demonstrate that this is not all right with you.

 

[K2000kidd]

If she kept hanging out after you've slept together this isn't a good sign
UNLESS she's using him for money and lets him think he still has a shot

Women usually won't remain friends unless their getting something on their end

 

[zekko]

A lot of the time it's ones own insecurity that wants this guy gone... Wanting the guy gone would mean that you view him as a threat, which means that you don't value yourself enough and think you don't deserve your girlfriend.

The only way I see this ending, is with her seeing him as a jealous lover.

One should adopt the mindset that other guys just make you look better..

The problem with this mindset is that you are inviting the girl to entertain more men in her life. These two are already having lunch together and going out for drinks together. The guy is already hitting on her. How is this not crossing a boundary? Where are you going to draw the line? Should she let him kino her? Put his arm around her waist? Kiss her on the cheek? Kiss her on the mouth? Let her blow him? Let them go to bed together? Where's your boundary?

This guy is basically a plate she's spinning. She knows she can have him at any time. If you establish that it's okay for her to go drink with this guy, then there is no reason on the planet why she shouldn't go drink with any other guy she is attracted to.

Calling her out on this behavior is not controlling, it is setting boundaries. The people who use the word "controlling" are trying to shame you to the point where they have no boundaries or consequences for their actions. Do not let them get away with it.

There's been a lot of talk on the board about hypergamy lately. This idea that you are insecure, possessive, and controlling if you are not okay with your girl running around town with any guy she pleases is a total feminist lie designed to serve and facilitate women's hypergamy. Feminist shaming, as Danger says.

If she looks at you as "controlling" (yet another fem shaming word meant to absolve them of any inappropriate or disrespectful actions), and then decides to leave you over it, then you know her words were just wind. Her actions will have shown you what is important to her.

Agree 100%.

 

[sinnerman]

RUN AWAY

seriously. if the girl is having high interest in you she would never consider doing anything that would jeopardize the relationship. I wouldn't consider a serious relationship with any girl who is friends/in contact with the ex.

I was very serious about one girl but I had to let her go since she started becoming friends with one of her ex. My current girl respects my rule of no friendship with the ex and that's why I treat her like my girlfriend. I genuinely don't have one iota of respect for a girl who remains friends with ex. It just shows a lack of respect for you as a man and for the relationship.

 

[zekko]

if the girl is having high interest in you she would never consider doing anything that would jeopardize the relationship.

I disagree with this in part. Half the guys here think that if you let the girl know that you object to her spending time with an ex or male friend, that this makes you look "jealous, insecure, possessive, and controlling". This is because the lie that the feminists have spread has become so embedded in the mainstream.

For the same reason, many, many women have been raised thinking that it is okay for them to entertain their exes and other males as long as they stick the "friend" label on it. For many of them, it will never even occur to them that they are jeopardizing the relationship at all unless you confront them with it as bad behavior. That's why I don't believe in the "just be alpha and they will never risk spending time with another man" idea.

My current girl respects my rule of no friendship with the ex and that's why I treat her like my girlfriend.

That implies that she knows you have a rule of no friendship with the ex. If you don't communicate this to her in some way, how will she even know you have this rule? The problem is that many guys here think that you must keep your "rule" secret or else she will label you as jealous and insecure. To them, she must never know that you have this boundary.

 

[Aristippus]

True. You have to not only set boundaries, but enforce them as well. Meaning there has to be hell to pay on her part if she violates those boundaries. You have to make the consequences for breaking your rules very uncomfortable and very painful. I'm talking non-violent, of course. She has to regret crossing those boundaries.

If she crosses the boundaries repeatedly with no effort to change her behavior, you ditch her.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

All I can say is, I am proud of the way this thread is being handled.

Not even a year ago I would see a ton of people on here saying to "be confident and let her have her guy friend.

This means a lot of this board is starting to learn the concept of self-respect. The most important part of getting girls consistently and living a good life.

A few key points.

• This woman says they are just friends, what she really means is that she treats him as a friend (for now anyways). But he does not. It is very disrespectful of her to you and your relationship while also entertaining men who want to sleep with her.
• Calling her out on this behavior is not controlling, it is setting boundaries. The people who use the word "controlling" are trying to shame you to the point where they have no boundaries or consequences for their actions. Do not let them get away with it.
• Losing her does not mean losing. Losing your self-respect is losing. Keeping a girl around who crosses boundaries is losing. Never be afraid to lose a bad prospect. That road leads to hell.
• A good catch, or interested girl, would never disrespect your relationship like that.

I actually know of a girl who used to remain friends with her exes. She didn't want to be rude to them by telling them it is no longer appropriate for them to be hanging out. You can find the latest thread about her right here.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=196313

This is a solid post.

Letting your woman disrespect you over and over again is a sure-fire way to in the end, losing all of your confidence and self-respect. I've been that low-down before and it svcks the big balls.

Direct experience: it's a setup man -- a woman going to lunch and hanging out with other men while claiming she is "taken" is misleading..I wrote a thread about my experience with this...don't fall for the trap...be wiser and know better....those type are just selfish slvts. Willing to disrespect ANYONE to get what they want. A quality woman does not encourage this. How would a woman respond to a man doing the same thing? "Don't worry sweetie, even though this hot hb7 who I used to bang keeps texting me, we're still friends and just want to enjoy lunch together"...

BS! :box:

PS -- I know because I've gone down this route! It's sh1tty!!!! Fvck that type of bish!

 

[sinnerman]

I disagree with this in part. Half the guys here think that if you let the girl know that you object to her spending time with an ex or male friend, that this makes you look "jealous, insecure, possessive, and controlling". This is because the lie that the feminists have spread has become so embedded in the mainstream.

For the same reason, many, many women have been raised thinking that it is okay for them to entertain their exes and other males as long as they stick the "friend" label on it. For many of them, it will never even occur to them that they are jeopardizing the relationship at all unless you confront them with it as bad behavior. That's why I don't believe in the "just be alpha and they will never risk spending time with another man" idea.


That implies that she knows you have a rule of no friendship with the ex. If you don't communicate this to her in some way, how will she even know you have this rule? The problem is that many guys here think that you must keep your "rule" secret or else she will label you as jealous and insecure. To them, she must never know that you have this boundary.

I agree with you on the part of the communicating. I think as a guy you should never push for the exclusivity. Once she pushes you for it, you know she doesn't want to share and is afraid that you're someone who can get another girl. At this point you can let her know what your expectations are in an exclusive relationship. There are certain red lines you expect her not to cross.(whatever those red lines are).

It ultimately boils down to your peace of mind.
the girls who thinks that you're being an insecure beta for not allowing her to hangout with ex bfs are feminist c*** in the first place and you shouldn't even be exclusive with them.

The girl shows low interest because of the way she responded to op when he mentioned about meeting with the ex.

 

[sinnerman]

True. You have to not only set boundaries, but enforce them as well. Meaning there has to be hell to pay on her part if she violates those boundaries. You have to make the consequences for breaking your rules very uncomfortable and very painful. I'm talking non-violent, of course. She has to regret crossing those boundaries.

If she crosses the boundaries repeatedly with no effort to change her behavior, you ditch her.

The only enforcement mechanism you have is to walk away or start seeing other women and let her know about it in subtle way. Your rules will be enforced only if you have the leverage. And you can have the leverage only if she digs you more and is afraid to lose you. That's why its also important to make a judgement call on where you stand in her life.

 

[SgtSplacker]

The only rule I ever apply to any relationship is equality, what she can do I can do.

In regard to her previous relationship it makes a huge difference who broke it off with who!? If he broke it off she needs to stop calling him immediately with no parting words and you should be pissed! Does she even invite you to hang out with them? Why so private then?

What kind of relationship would you both have if you were both hanging out alone with your EXs? any little fight they would be more than happy to be there for you comforting and saying just the right things to get the other person just a little closer "we never had these problems". Whether they really want you back or not the temptation to make yourself look good is immense. First big fight she goes running into his arms, of course he is going to try extra hard to be there for her...

If you are in a committed relationship and still hanging out with someone you previously had sex with there is sexual tension there. People enjoy sexual tension, some people thrive off of sexual tension. The whole clothing industry is modeled for sexual tension, it's a big deal and not to be ignored. As far as i'm concerned my woman should not be engaging in anything sexual with someone else period end of story. Way too easy for "mistakes" to happen after a couple drinks or a stressful day or a disagreement, or even a breeze from the north.

What can she do? She can hang out in groups of mixed people. But any one on one with a dude should not be allowed unless it's an interview or something totally not fun or sexual at all.

Look... marriage is a loosing battle for a man, she stands everything to gain while you stand to loose everything. If the relationship fails people will look at you like it's your fault. You have to support her and possibly your new family, it's your responsibility. What i'm trying to say here is that it's not an even exchange, she owes you something. And not dating her ex's is one of those things she totally owes you! Don't stand for that crap!

The term "friend" is used very loosely in relationships and to different people it means different things. If you want to bang someone it's a "romantic interest" not a friend start using the term with her. So she cant hide behind the benign meaning of the word "friend" anymore. She may be friends with him, but she is his "romantic interest". Do they share hobbies? surf together? dive together? church together? study mates? no? it's a romantic interest if all they do is spend time together sharing each others company.

Of course I have had a girl try this crap on me before, and I never spoke to her in terms of "this is what I want, my way or the highway" I told her that her actions dictated the kind of relationship we had. And that if she wanted to spend time with a romantic interest then I would be open to do so also. I also told her that if the relationship turned into something I was not happy with I might decide to end it. I told her I just wanted a NORMAL relationship. I punished her by tuning back my affections, spending a little more time with my friends. And asking her every once in a while if she was serious. When a woman does something wrong like this it's a great opportunity to exercise some authority on her. It teaches her to respect you and see you as an authority. Don't miss your chance, it's critical to a marriage.

If she keeps seeing him don't even get pissed, start seeing other girls while you are still screwing her. And definitely no moving in together.

 

[Down Low]

Yet another lesson on the beauty of No Contact.

This ex is deeply disrespecting you by shoving his foot in the door and selling his product to the little lady. I can't imagine myself being a desperate ex calling around begging for sloppy seconds with oldfvck406, oldfvck407, oldfvck408, ... bingo! Nothing can stop my 409 (from blowing any d1ck that's shoved in her face).

Take it from someone who's been there. Any woman who'd stay in contact with an ex, or stay in the social circle of an ex (hoping), definitely fvcks him from time to time, as well as taking c0ck rides elsewhere. You're being taken for granted, not appreciated, and . . . soon to become just another orbiting ex.

 

[zekko]

The term "friend" is used very loosely in relationships and to different people it means different things. If you want to bang someone it's a "romantic interest" not a friend start using the term with her. So she cant hide behind the benign meaning of the word "friend" anymore. She may be friends with him, but she is his "romantic interest".

And today the term "friends with benefits" has become so common, she could probably rationalize calling the guy a friend and still bang him.

Of course I have had a girl try this crap on me before, and I never spoke to her in terms of "this is what I want, my way or the highway" I told her that her actions dictated the kind of relationship we had. And that if she wanted to spend time with a romantic interest then I would be open to do so also

That's certainly true. The only thing is, by the time you both start going off with your individual romantic interests/friends, there's really not any relationship left, is there? By that point, you might as well just dump her. Unless you're that hung up on keeping her around for sex, or if this somehow effects a change in her behavior.