"Sexually Invisible?"

[The Comeback Kid]

I was reading something a couple days ago and saw this expression. After looking it up, one person summed it up as:

How would you feel if women generally ignored you? How would you feel if every time you smiled and said "hello" to a woman, she would look at you -- if she looked at you -- with disdain? At work/class, the women there deal with you on a friendly but professionally distant basis. If you try to get to know them socially, they laugh, tell you you're funny, or report you for sexual harassment.

Another website summarizes this here (saying it's subconscious and then listing a couple things): http://ezinearticles.com/?You-Are-Not-Attracting-Because-You-Are-Sexually-Invisible&id=488238 I had also seen something where - although the guy is attractive/outgoing/doing well/etc., he just doesn't have "it" and thus women won't be attracted to him.

I know there are plenty of guys (myself included) who have atleast some trouble with women, but "sexually invisible?" Do you guys think this theory has any merit? I'm thinking it's just some sort of excuse. I really have never heard this term before I stumbled upon it - it seems interesting, but I can't buy it as being an actual thing.

 

[Maxtro]

Interesting term. I know I qualify as sexually invisible.

2) Harbouring of confused feelings about sex and sexuality translated into feeling pressured to hide or disguise their sexuality etc.;

I'm basically scared of letting girls know I like them and/or that I really like girls in general that much at all. Basically fear of rejection. Not expecting to succeed.

3) Lack of appropriate social and sexual skills which were never taught by adult role models;

100% true. I don't know how an adult role model would teach me sexual skills though. But my skills in both certainly stink.

So I got 2 out of 5 which is certainly enough to be invisible.

Whatever the reason, sexual invisibility that may have been originally adopted subconsciously as a coping mechanism can have devastating effects on an individual (holding back, feeling sexually unworthy, can't reach out sexually, terrified of rejection, can't relax, act deviously, become manipulative, be afraid of of the opposite sex, be afraid of sex etc).

Sexual invisibility is not only frustrating but painful and can lead to depression or set up a pattern of secret sexual activity (pornography, voyeurism, or other forms of sexual substitutes) which only end up becoming a big part of the problem.

Not only have you lost time; you have also lost identity.

Yup, 27 years old and I feel that most of my youth has been wasted. I also feel that I am not the person I really should be.

1) Allow yourself the freedom to experience your sexuality and get in touch with your sexual desires, needs and wants.

2) Risk (visible) vulnerability –socially, emotionally, physically, sexually, and spiritually.

3) Re-establish healthy physical and emotional boundaries where you feel “safe”.

4) Learn “normal” sexuality and the progressions of dating intimacy.

5) Cultivate the “appearance” of a sexual person (one that defines you as a unique sexual being).

All of these are very important. #2 is the most difficult and it's also the most important.

Nice find The Comeback Kid.

 

[FireOnTheMountain]

Well, I have felt that way at times, but I think I am not quite that bad with girls.

 

[djinhell]

some very interesting points in this post.

2) Harbouring of confused feelings about sex and sexuality translated into feeling pressured to hide or disguise their sexuality etc.;

3) Lack of appropriate social and sexual skills which were never taught by adult role models;

I, like maxtro suffer from these points in particular. I think a big part of it for me was never knowing my father, therefore lacking a real man to look up to and influence me...grew up around all women, which may be why i can be sensitive and completely un-alpha male..

"sexual visibility" is possible, and ive been working on it a lot recently...I think as soon as you start acting more flirty with chicks and drop a few sexual innuendos etc, you will see how responsive chicks are to it, and really theres no way back...they dont see you as that pure innocent a-sexual guy, but rather a mysterious sexy guy and they cant help but be intrigued by it...:rockon:

Dj In Hell

 

[Kal0051]

Ya, I definitely qualify as sexually invisible. Most women just don't see me as a man. Though I think that changed with one of my friends, me and her were pretty sexual with each other the other night and now she wants to talk about it.

 

[Kupid Diggs]

Interesting article... So would the solution be to let women know you are sexually interested in???

 

[Mr_rogers]

Yep, this sounds like me, too. The only way I've found to get women to see me as a guy is to make advances. You don't need to out-and-out try to escalate, but talking about sex and stuff (especially with women that currently consider you a friend) helps, especially if you do it in the form of a joke.

That could be terrible advice, though. It only "worked" for me once where I actually had a girl interested in me sexually.

 

[Luke Skywalker]

I believe I'm sexually invisible too and agree with this article --- as everyone knows that I'm the oldest virgin on this board. Let's see if this article has insights into why this is so:

a) For example, I see don't see myself as a confident, sexual, masculine man, but rather a shy, timid, quiet, cautious, and introverted that gets nervous around women. That's just self-perception. I always feel that the object of desire (woman) always ends up choosing another guy over me and I'm looked over when it really matters.

b) Confused feelings about sex. I guess so to some degree. I hold on to the wait until being married to have sex view and I'm 33 years old virgin. I hear that by the time I'm 40 years plus, the sperm cells will have multiplied so many times that my offspring, if I get married later, would likely come out funny. Loosing hope of eventually being married period and loosing any incentive to wait as that is undermined.

c) No adult role models about sex.

d) Not really interested that much in sex -- but that follows from the above.

e) Too many personal and work issues that would make it unnatural to have a relationship. Don't see any natural girlfriend relationship or how that can fit into any context. Don't have status, passion, or anything that will draw women into my life.

But, beyond all of this, I blame my parents and society for not having arranged marriages. My parents appear to be more busy c0ckblocking me than setting me up with someone. So, maybe I am sexually invisible, but I'm also invisible in other areas too besides sexual. I'm socially invisible. Economically invisible since I'm not making money. As a whole, I don't think it's that big a deal if I was just sexually invisible.

 

[djinhell]

But, beyond all of this, I blame my parents and society for not having arranged marriages. My parents appear to be more busy c0ckblocking me than setting me up with someone. So, maybe I am sexually invisible, but I'm also invisible in other areas too besides sexual. I'm socially invisible. Economically invisible since I'm not making money. As a whole, I don't think it's that big a deal if I was just sexually invisible.

Im sorry dude but that is just so lame. why the hell should you blame your parents?!?!...sounds like you gotta man up and take responsibility...Im a 23 yr old virgin, but I know its all on me and I own up to that and im remaining positive. Im on this board because im making the changes, I dont just want to just dwell and be miserable.

STAND UP AND BE COUNTED!...dont just conceed defeat and blame other people!!

Dj In Hell

 

[The Comeback Kid]

Interesting. The sentence(s) that drew my attention to this sort of thing were the first ones I mentioned: How would you feel if women generally ignored you? How would you feel if every time you smiled and said "hello" to a woman, she would look at you -- if she looked at you -- with disdain? At work/class, the women there deal with you on a friendly but professionally distant basis. If you try to get to know them socially, they laugh, tell you you're funny, or report you for sexual harassment.

These are some of the frustrations I have been dealing with at school (I can't get a girl to do ANYTHING as of late). I'd like to get to know some girls in my classes, but they all seem very closed towards me, for whatever reason. If I say hi to a girl in the same environment, they act as if they're "forced" to keep things going. The key line here was the professionally/socially part. Girls will act civil in class (for the most part), but the second I suggest hanging out away from the classroom, they think I'm not serious. When they learn I'm not joking, they disappear. I'm not an online freak, but girls never write on my Facebook wall lol, even when I instigate the conversation. :crazy:

This "sexually invisible" stuff I stumbled upon has some merit (I guess), but I'm not going to point to it for any rough patches I've endured. I have figured getting out there and giving things a shot must lead to success sooner or later, once you've found a girl that you connect well with.

The one big thing here that I can say "yep, I'm a culprit of that" to is that I don't talk about sex or sexual things all that often. I'm not using kino right away. That definitely has some sort of effect, but I don't think that's totally it. I have a few friends who don't use kino or even talk much for that matter (a couple are somewhat-burnouts who don't even get a summer job), and they're doing ok. Perhaps I don't have "it", whatever that is.

 

[mothballs]

The article is a crock... not in the sense that it's wrong, but any monkey with a psych book could write it and sound like they're making some important observation. It's a simple concept. But it ultimately boils down to how you project yourself. Whenever I'm out and about I monitor my actions... if I hold the door for a woman, is it just as I'm walking in or do I pull the door open, step aside and let her walk through before I enter (the latter will get you a lot of smiles guaranteed)? Am I carrying my shoulders broad or slouched? Do I look happy? Am I looking at the ground or up at people's faces? When I speak am I decisive? If I'm making the first plans with a woman do I give her an itinerary or let her make all the decisions? Am I expecting a certain response if I ask a woman out?

I am FAR from a PUA... but one thing I do know is the women in my lives... friends and family all know that I am a man. I interact with a lot of people and I observe a lot of human interaction... I guess that's what comes from being the son of a psychologist... and that's probably why I'm dating a psychologist :crazy:

Just start walking around like you own the place and forget about what anybody else thinks. You don't need to be an ass to project a "manly" image, just be someone who obvioisly knows what he wants.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach and author of e-Books: The Art Of Seducing Out Of Fullness, Breaking A Bad Relationships Pattern, and Playing Hard-To-Get The Love Way

Any more questions?

There are a lot of guys that are sexually invisible, it's called being an AFC. You're average, you're frustrated and you're a chump because you haven't become self-aware and it hurts to do so. Over the last 4 generations timidity, sensitivity, desexualization, feminization have been reinforced in place of confident, unapologetic masculinity and guys wonder why they're sexually invisible? For generations they've been conditioned to repress that masculine sexuality - it's dangerous! you'll border on being a rapist! how dare you assert your sexuality you pervert! We've been conditioned to believe that our testosterone is a poisonous genetic flaw and that anything even remotely masculine is to be ridiculed.

And now this woman is going to shame you into manning up? She'll be a syndicated columnist and sell you ebooks based on how you ought to be more sexually assertive? If that's not the Matrix I don't know what is.

 

[Maxtro]

Any more questions?

There are a lot of guys that are sexually invisible, it's called being an AFC. You're average, you're frustrated and you're a chump because you haven't become self-aware and it hurts to do so.

I'm actually starting to believe that the term is AFC is a misnomer. Average guys can and do get girls.

The guys who can't get laid in a whorehouse are actually below average guys.

So the scale is.

Invisible
Average
DJ

Going from Average to DJ is a fairly simple process. Going from Invisible to Average is 1,000 times more difficult.

 

[ohsnap]

If you think you're sexually invisible, then just try be sexual with new women you meet. You have nothing to lose. Maybe the first time you'll come on too strong, maybe the next time too weak. But you'll learn the boundaries! Who cares if the woman blows you off or nexts you? Did you approach this woman with the hope of being friends with her?? NO! So why would you settle for that?!

Obviously don't do/say anything that could be considered sexual harrassment, but there's a big difference between having a hands off or hands on approach. LET YOUR INTEREST BE KNOWN! Girls will just friendzone you if you act like a friend. Pretty simple.

 

[HOT_CHILLI]

Oh this thread is depressing!
Mothballs and Djinhell could not be more right! (btw my parents are psychologists too)
You have to quit whinging about how you cant pick up girls because of your upbringing and apparent 'sexual invisibleness'.
That's just a way of justifying being an AFC!

now i might not be a pua just yet, but im making the changes, i progressing in my life, making things count.

F**K! all challenges are scary at first and you WILL be nervous and shy, but feeling the fear and doing it anyway is what seperates those who progress in life from those who are stubborn fools who use 'im shy and nervous and my parents didnt have an arranged marriage' as an excuse to do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!
Maxtro i had to dump s*** on you but if you were happy being an AFC you wouldnt be on this forum so dont try to justify it

Ah its so frustrating how narrow and limmited your views seem to be, This has NOTHING to do with your parents! You can blame them for giving you bad genes resulting in bad looks and a few bad personality quirks but sitting around whinging about it isnt going to get you ANYWHERE!
One of the bigger aspects of being a Don Juan is being able to develop a passion in life for life and change yourself as you see fit, not change to suit those around you, but to change yourself to make a better you and live a better life!

If you've learnt anything from the DJ bible surely it would be that you should throw out your old beliefs of who you think you are and start thinking as if you are already this amazing man you want to be, that you are Manly, strong, confident, passionate, the life of the party, funny, DAMN ATTRACTIVE!

If you change your beliefs and see yourself differently, others will see you that way too.

 

[#41]

If you think you're sexually invisible, then just try be sexual with new women you meet. You have nothing to lose. Maybe the first time you'll come on too strong, maybe the next time too weak. But you'll learn the boundaries! Who cares if the woman blows you off or nexts you? Did you approach this woman with the hope of being friends with her?? NO! So why would you settle for that?!

Obviously don't do/say anything that could be considered sexual harrassment, but there's a big difference between having a hands off or hands on approach. LET YOUR INTEREST BE KNOWN! Girls will just friendzone you if you act like a friend. Pretty simple.

It's simple, yet infinitely complex.

The AFC / Sexually Invisible brain has had (in most cases) years of negative reinforcement and negative thought patterns.

Who cares if the woman blows you off? The AFC does. The AFC lives his life in fear of that rejection. Everyone will know about it, thinks the AFC. Everyone in the bar will watch me strike out with this girl. The girl will laugh at me after I leave, tell all of her friends what an idiot I was, and soon everyone in the bar/club/school will know how much of a failure I am.

The AFC brain learns avoidance behaviors to stop the issue of rejection from ever occurring. Looking at a hot girl, the first thought moves from "Wow, I should go talk to her" to "Wow, a girl like that would never even want to talk to a guy like me."

On the off chance that he does find himself in a situation to talk with a woman he is interested in, the AFC will go out of his way to avoid acting sexual. Instead of taking the lead and being proactive, the AFC will be reactive -- altering his behavior to appease the woman's desire and match his personality to things she likes. She loves Greek food? Instantly it is the AFC's favorite, and he's busy googling the best Greek restaraunts in town to go to (even if he can't stand it). She loves Lil' Wayne? He's downloading filling his ipod with songs he can't stand so he can listen to the same music as her.

The thought becomes "Don't screw up. Don't screw up." Certainly don't act sexual, because that would be taking a chance that she might turn you down and reject you -- and rejection is the worst thing ever.

That's why this comments like yours are so empty -- it's not a matter of "manning up" for an AFC, it's a matter of changing every way you think and act. That kind of stuff takes months and years to fix, and even after it's fixed there are still relapses and bad habits that reassert themselves.

Change is not easy for the people who relate to what this article is speaking about.

 

[HeMan]

hot chilli

awesome post for someone so young..

u really have a good understanding

did u dad write the response for you?

 

[Lexington]

I can relate to this. I don't get disgusted looks from girls. In fact, I have a lot of hot female friends. But that's just the problem....one of my biggest issues has been getting SEXUAL with women.

I have no problems talking to girls and getting to know them. Girls obviously aren't disgusted by me because many of them spend a lot of time with me. They'll go out, have drinks and party with me. I crack dirty jokes about them and am basically very close with them. But I had trouble bedding them.

This is something that I've been examining for a while now. A very important insight that I have come across from talking to a member here is that it's okay to be sexual. For most of my life, I've been suppressing it. So while I don't have trouble talking to girls and socializing with them, I haven't been conveying sexual interest.

I realized that on a subconscious level, I'd somehow view sex as dirty. Whenever I'd masturbate, I wouldn't fantasize about beautiful girls that I'd actually want to date. I'd imagine railing on the bar room sluts. I'd imagine making sweet, gentle, passionate love to the hot girls; they were too pure and angelic to be "defiled" like that.

As a consequence, I'd never come off as sexual material with the girls I liked. They liked me, but they never detected any sexual interest. As guys, it's on us to take the initiative the majority of times. So if you don't let her know you're sexually interested in her, she isn't going to make the move on you.

 

[Lexington]

Here's one of the most important things I've learned: it's okay and in fact good to feel horny when you're talking to a girl you like.

I have no problem making girl friends. I have way too many hot girl friends. My problem is getting girlfriends. That's because I've always suppressed my sexuality and have been terribly afraid to show that I might be interested in them sexually.

In the vast majority of cases, it's on you as the guy to make things sexual. If you don't initiate, it's unlikely that most girls will. So always remember: it's okay to have a boner when you talk to a girl, and it's okay to imagine all the things you want to do to her while you talk.

If you're horny, she'll pick up on this and feel horny herself. If you suppress your sexuality, you're on the fast track to the friend zone.

 

[ohsnap]

If you're horny, she'll pick up on this and feel horny herself. If you suppress your sexuality, you're on the fast track to the friend zone.

And the friend zone is pretty much impossible to get out of too... :cuss:

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.