okay, The last time I actually spoke to her was Saturday, and I told her that I do llike her, and I know she has feelings for me because of the way she has been acting, but I think she has alot of issues going on, and she needs to call me when she feels like she wants to act on her feelings that she has towards me.
I get a letter Sunday in my email account stating the following:
Sorry that I am emailing you, but I'm sure you are busy on Mother's Day and
my mom has
people over and I'm just sitting in the living room with them (being
polite)... so I thought it
would do useful to write you with my time.
First of all, I don't disagree with you when you say that I am only
available to talk to when I
am not on good terms with (My boyfriend). The truth of the matter is (like I have
said before) maybe it
is immature of me, but I want to spend every available moment with him that
I can. That isn't fair to the people I consider my friends, but maybe I am
STILL not ready to have both. I am still struggling
with keeping both relationships (meaning friends and dating). Unfortunately
it works great with other people such as Cynthia (my other close friend), but I guess thats girl
talk and we want to hear about each others issues.
Second of all, I don't think it is fair that you give me an ultimatum. All
that we have ever been is friends and I think we have always worked well
that way. I don't think you should burden me with choosing to either date
you or not speak to you.
Brandon, you are really a great person and I think your right, I do care for
you, but it is strictly on friendship terms. I don't know what to say
because I can't even be sorry for not feeling an attraction toward you. If
you get hurt or have a bad day I would try my best to be there for you, but
you have to understand that it will always just be as a friend. I
completely understand it if you can't be friends with me (if you are
attracted to me) but you also need to understand that if that's the case
then... thats it.
I promise that when I started talking to you again, I didn't even consider
the fact that you use to like me, I guess its because I have always just
thought of you as a really good person, friend and confidant.
I am so sorry if our relationship has to end like this... again, but I
thought you at least needed to know that my ultimatum is to be friends and
nothing more.
Maybe its best if we let some time go by. I started talking to you again
because I have always considered you a friend, but I have enough problems
and fights to deal with and NOW I am getting the same 'serious,' 'long,
deep' conversations with you and that is not fun at all.... especially with
the fact that I see no point in them because I just want someone I can talk
to hear and then... and not someone to create more problems with.
Sorry that once or twice I have already been crying and you unwillingly get
involved, but I specifically watch myself so that I don't bring him up. I
have even hesitated to answer your questions about him because I don't want
it to be used against me later.
I'm sorry if I have ever offended you or hurt you, but that has never been
my intentions. I feel bad that I opened these feelings for you again. If i
would of know that any of this would happen, I wouldn't of done this to
either of. I don't need anymore stress added to my life and you don't need
my stress or your feelings affecting you.
If I don't hear from you, give me you new cell number when you get it so
i'll know that I won't loose complete contact with you.
I think this letter was short, simple and to the point. Please feel free to
call/ email to express anything.
I appreciate your friendship and advice because I know you have put your
feelings on the side to be there for me as a true friend.
okay, I then get then respond to that email with one of my own.
Hey Babe,
Sorry I have to email you, and I do plan to call you later today to see how your interview went,
but you said some things in this email and in general recently that to be quite honest, pissed me off, and I don't want to
loose my temperament over the phone.
First, I STILL don't think you understand. Rather you like me or not is a mute point. I am sure you
have your reasons for not being attracted to me, whatever they may be, and I am fine with that.
There are people who I am not attracted to.
However, I do not know where you get off thinking that I think that you are a goddess and that I
have to have you or else I would kill myself or something along those lines. You make it sound
like I badger the crap out of you on a daily basis about me and you. The fact is yes, I do find
you physically attractive. Yes we do get along great when we actually do get to talk to one
another. Because of these factors, I could assume that the two of us would make a pretty good
couple. However, I am not infatuated with you; I am not sitting by the phone every day waiting for
you to call like we are dating.
If you honestly feel like I am badgering you, or that if I am "stressing you out", then PLEASE do
me a favor and throw away my phone number. How can I stress you out that much when we hardly even
communicate?
Speaking of stress, babe, you dug yourself your own hole. Don't complain because you are in it. Do
you know how stressed I am on a daily basis? I have customers calling me, badgering me on a daily
basis. I have to get out computers on a daily basis. I have to deal with snobby business people
who look at me funny because I am young and black on a daily basis, then to top it off, I have to
deal with the fact that my business is my livelihood on a daily basis, and the fact that if I
don't make my company work, I will be out of work. Then to top that off, I have to deal with
friends who look at me funny because I have and am able to afford things that they can't, and call
me a sellout because I don't enjoy the same things they do on a daily basis, then the one true
friend that I think I have, and yes I do hold you in that regard Katherina, acts like I have a
****ing disease when I make it known that I am attracted to her? However, you will never hear a
peep from me because I deal with my own problems, and I know that everything that is going on in
my life is a direct correlation of the decisions I have made.
Like I was saying, I have never been so disrespected in my entire life, as when I told you how I
feel you say things like "we will work to get though this, or "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I
will be here to help you with this" like I was just labeled with HIV or something. You think of me
as a damn disease? If that is the case, trust me, I have lost a lot of interest in you as far as
dating you and you won't have a problem with having me as just a friend. I guess I gave you more
credit than you deserved in that regard.
You don't think it's fair that I gave you an ultimatum? I don't think it's fair that I am being
put in this situation simply because I am a good person, but that's life. The way I see it, I
would be a lot better off If I were a complete jerk. You deal with it. Now, I am not saying it's
ALL your fault; maybe, no I know I should have handled the situation differently then I did, but
hell I am a to-the-point person. Why lie about the way I feel? Once you do that, then you don't
have a real friendship any longer.
With all of that said, you are my friend, and I do mean that. If that's what you want, and from
judging from this and other emails/conversations, I don't chase women who are not interested in
me, so I guess we can be friends. If you want someone that you can call up from time to time, I
can live with that.
However, you have to look at it from MY standpoint. I get a letter from a girl who I specifically
told 2 years ago that "if me and you are not dating we have nothing to really talk about any
longer". Everytime we talked, I get the sense and you even admitted that your relationship with
him is going down the drain. He Hit you. He does drugs and he got kicked out of school. You even
told me that you are depressed, and called me crying. I am thinking, and rightfully so, that you
are shopping around for a new BF before you leave him. I then make a calculated move to tell you
how I feel, and then you tell me that you are not interested. That's fine and all but know that
what I did was calculated based off of YOUR actions. I do not apologize for my actions because
they were well intended.
This is the last "serious, long, deep" email you will receive from me. First, you are not
interested in me, so there is no point of me telling you how I feel. Secondly, the last thing I
want to do be a burden to you. Seriously. If you are looking for a fun person to hand around/ talk
to from time to time, now that we are CLEARLY on the same page, than that's fine.
You wanted to know how I felt, so I told you. I think you are a good person that can be immature
and not think about her actions at times, and the consequences that they might have on her and
other people. I think you enjoy drama, a little to much for my liking. I KNOW you have a lot of
potential somewhere deep inside of you if you just realized it and worked for what you want
instead of letting other people dictate your life and it's meaning.
I can go on and on, but you hvae done some things that actually hurt me in some regards, and at
the same time some things that make me feel disrespected and underappricated.
BUT..
I am, I really am, glad you contacted me even if it did mean unleashing and getting over the old
feelings I had for you, gaining a very good friend as yourself is always worth it.
) with your MSN address as well, and I'll add you. (I don't like to post my msn address here.)
