Relationship: HELP, I'm an emotional wreck!

[Mikeman!]

Westcoaster,

Unless you have experienced what I have for yourself, I don't expect you to understand how it is possible to have a relationship under my circumstances.

Desdinova,

It's not that I'm settling for something, it's that even though she is divorced with two kids and lives so far, we love each other. Once that love developed, nothing else mattered, not the situation or the circumstances.

NewMan,

Noted...

MacAvoy,

I believe this is what I'll have to do if this is to go somewhere...I'll need to become scarce and take her out of my mind before I can regain control of the situation...

 

[WestCoaster]

Yes, I have experienced what you have but 100 times more intense. I dated a woman for a year with two kids, who was older than me, and we talked marriage. It broke up (thank God), but at the time we had a REAL relationship. I not only worked at the same company as her, I lived in the same neighborhood (small town) and saw her almost every day. This wasn't some cyber-bs, it was a real, face-to-face relationship.

It is YOU who is not understanding reality, not me. I've been through a lot more than your pseudo-relationship.

Get real man, or is it boy? You're AFCing to no ends.

Go out and date more women ... you'll thank me later on that advice.

 

[Mikeman!]

WestCoaster,

I've already discussed how I was planning on visiting at least once a month, and some months for 2-4 weeks at a time. I was in the process of making it more of a reality for the both of us.

 

[filo_yakuza]

this guy is stubborn

when i was in 2 yrs. ltr, i thought i cant live without my ex in my life. everytime we fight, i felt so miserable. i gave up my freedom and career for her. what a stupid decision i made. but i made up my mind in the end.
i broke up with her. now Im more happy and I can do anything I need to have a
better life. I claimed my life back. my life is more important than her.
fulfilling my life and happiness doesnt based on my any woman on my life. It was based on ME. No woman can fill up the void or emptiness in your life period. You're putting the woman in your life as God. Above anything else. You're the only you can fulfill your life. You know why? Because your the only
person truly knows yourself.

MOVE ON.

Breaking up is easy but moving on is hard. But time will pass and you will appreciate
that you choose to be free from misery.

If you really stubborn, gave up everything, move with her. Then when the reality kicks in. You will realize and see her flaws. You will be kicking yourself later on and tell yourself "Why I didnt listen". BE A MAN.

I think it is best to learn from mistake. Just let him fvck up his life. Who cares!
Its your life anyway dude.

 

[Desdinova]

Once that love developed, nothing else mattered, not the situation or the circumstances.

I'm starting to wonder if you've ever been in a LTR before. From this statement, it sounds like you haven't.

There's a few things you will discover about "love" in life:

- Love is not everlasting
- Love is not conditional
- Love is not a one way street
- Love does not conquer all

I think the best thing for our buddy Mike to do, is to let him fvck it all up on his own so he can learn what the rest of us have experienced.

 

[WestCoaster]

Originally posted by Mikeman!
WestCoaster,

I've already discussed how I was planning on visiting at least once a month, and some months for 2-4 weeks at a time. I was in the process of making it more of a reality for the both of us.

Once a month! Stop the presses.

You're insane if you do this ... but youth is wasted on the young. You should have three dates a week in Toronto -- with three different women.

But people are right: Why should I give out advice based on my experience, you won't listen anyway. It's your life you're throwing away.

God, at 26 your singlehood is at an all-time high: you can date 19-30 and above, hot young things, experienced mature SINGLE women. All that for the taking, plus in a big metro area like Toronto ... God, I'm salivating just writing this ... but again, you won't listen. You want day care, crying kids, perhaps diapers, pre-school, kids yelling at you, spilt milk, etc. ... oh yeah, you'll get a little time for the woman, not as much as you think.

Amazing ... in door No. 1 is an infinite supply of poon tang. In door number two are the responsibilities of kids that aren't your own and basically no freedom.

But you'll take door No. 2.

Stunning, stupifying, amazing, incredible ... lord save us from AFCdom!

 

[Mikeman!]

Look, I know where you guys are coming from completely, and I know that it's seen as AFC what I'm contemplating...but to be honest, I have never been as fulfilled in life as when I've been exclusive with 1 woman I loved.

I never found that fulfillment in short 2 week, 3 week, 1 month stints. I thought dating multiple women would be fulfilling, and it was, UNTIL I experienced love with this girl, then it all just paled in comaprison.

My old self would be kicking my current self in the butt after all I learned on these forums, but that old self didn't experience love.

Ya, I might be too idealistic here, ya, I might end up getting burned bad and become bitter..But I know that after experiencing what I have, I know that if I were to lose it, there would be a void in my life, and I don't believe that void can be filled in the same way by another person ever again.

 

[filo_yakuza]

YOU ARE LIVING A FANTASY.

GET A REAL LIFE. PERIOD

 

[MacAvoy]

Mike

You are being AFC. We are not suggesting that there is no value in loving relationships. However, you need to look at your situation w/out your blinders on. Right now, your solely focussed on your love for her and how fufilling it is to you.

I would suggest that you take some time for yourself and do some soul searching in terms of what you want. Look at your relationship w/ her, what she offers you. Never mind this she's great intelligent blah blah blah crap. Thats just fluff talk that your mind has made up to build her up in your mind.

You've created this love for her in your mind. You need to now examine the situation for what it really is. By taking this time to yourself, you will also be slowing working to regain control in the relationship if you decide to keep one.

Take a step back emotionally, clear your mind, go back and reread this entire post and pretend it is someone else asking for the advice. You'll see how foolish you sound to everyone.

I'm not saying your wrong to stick w/ her, I'm just saying take your blinders off and look at the situation realistically.

 

[kandyass]

Hey Mikeman! and all,
am fairly new to this forum but reading this thread I just had to put in my two cents.

I'm totally agreeing with Desdinova and Westcoaster!

I got so frustrated reading your story Mikeman. I've been through a very similar thing with the abortion issue during an LTR when I was way-below AFC (and this was a co-habitation LTR!) and I gotta say if you don't see eye-to-eye on that and she gets pregnant...well, let's just say it makes everyone's life pure hell.

And I'm finding it incredibly frustrating that you want to be with this woman and are considering moving and everything even though you've only seen her once(!?).

Man, I know you love her and feel a deep connection but it seems to be mostly internet based and that doesn't sound real to me...

I hope I'm not being too harsh here but I've got to say that I wish I had found this site ten years ago. I am absolutely SPEWING I spent a lot of my twenties (am 35 now) as a puzzy-whipped wbAFC.

I WISH I had read the DJ Bible when I was in my twenties, or before.

I reckon you have the best years of your life right in front of you and I think you will regret spending them with someone who you argue with and who may be quite a drain on your emotions and energy.

But, I guess this is just a phase you have to go through (no offence). Hell, in my hardcore AFC days if someone had told me this stuff I would never have believed them and continued getting my heart broken.

p.s. if you have good friends...and they tell you a woman is no good for you...BELIEVE them! :woo:

 

[WestCoaster]

Kandy, you got off with only part of your 20's being AFC. I hit the whole decade ... when I was DJ (senior year of college where I was spinning more plates than a circus clown) it was by total accident.

There is NOOOOOOOOOO way a person knows he's in love after one face-to-face meeting. Also, this whole thing about a satisfying love life? What love life? He hasn't spent any time with her.

God, at 26 one shouldn't even be looking for lifetime fulfillment if you're a male, you should be looking at career first, developing your mind and intellect, building a money base, keeping your fitness intact -- and when that's done, dating, having fun with (interpret that to your own beliefs) with 100's -- and I mean 100's -- of women.

It's just insane that Mikeman won't listen -- and when he's 40 something he'll be lamenting that he shut us out.

I had no sosuave when I was his age or even older. This site would've saved my AFC a$$. I just took what was fed me, and that was an AFC society.

So we come on here with the true and just beliefs and he won't listen.

Ah heck, let him line up his own divorce and alimony. Too bad Dietzcoi isn't here to b-tch slap his a$$.

 

[STR8UP]

Originally posted by WestCoaster
God, at 26 one shouldn't even be looking for lifetime fulfillment if you're a male, you should be looking at career first, developing your mind and intellect, building a money base, keeping your fitness intact -- and when that's done, dating, having fun with (interpret that to your own beliefs) with 100's -- and I mean 100's -- of women.

If you think that getting a woman when you are young (under 35-40) is anywhere NEAR a top priority in your life I feel sorry for you. If you think that you need a woman to be happy and complete you are brainwashed by all of the women (and the majority of married men who are trying to convince THEMSELVES that they made the right decision) into thinking like a chick.

Like WestCoaster said, you should be focusing on YOURSELF until you at least make it to your late 30's. If you can manage to do that, you are going to have a MUCH easier time finding and maintaining a quality relationship. The older you get, the better it is to be a MAN.

 

[STR8UP]

And back to the main topic of this thread.....

DUDE, GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS!

You sound like a freakin' woman. Did you get a free t-shirt with that load of sh!t someone sold you? I'm not saying this WOMAN is bad, but the situation and the fact that you THINK you have found the love of your life after meeting her once is a crock.

Why you would subject yourself to something like this is beyond me!

 

[Mikeman!]

You don't understand that it's not love after meeting once. We loved each other LONG before we met in person...It took some time for me to feel it though, as before I was a logical guy who completely shut off my emotions, I've done a complete 360...

I never thought I'd ever feel love, I thought the whole concept of love was utter BS. But I've experienced it now, and its unmistakable when you do, as those whom have felt it will understand.

Anyways, I've decided I'm going to try and distance myself, let her make a move for me...I'm sure she'll do something before valentines day, good or bad...I'll see how I feel about the situation at that point and take it from there. I might be forced to move on regardless because I really don't know whats going through her head at this point...

 

[STR8UP]

So you were "in love" with someone you had only seen on a webcam and talked to on the phone?

You're beyond hopeless

 

[Mikeman!]

Right... How dare I allow myself to feel those emotions.

It is what it is....

 

[kandyass]

Hey Mikeman!

I believe in love. I don't think anyone here is trying to invalidate your feelings, its just that you seem to have idealised a relationship that has developed on a very slender basis and are not only considering making some major decisions based on that but are going through emotional pain because of it.



After a few LTRs and as a rAFC I've come to the conclusion that love does exist but that its not about the hopeless, agonizing pining after someone that is playing you or is just not on the same wavelength. Sure that happens now and then, but I don't think its love. Its not healthy either for you or for the object of your affections.

I think love is more about each party having a healthy respect for each other, their views and for them doing nice things for each other (interpret that how you wish...I've realised now after all these years that being "nice" to a woman is not just respecting her but being a master DJ! ).



And how can you do "nice" things for each other when you are thousands of miles away?

Maybe this will help; I have a "pen-pal" (yeah, we started writng before email!) who I met based on shared political views. We've writing and calling each other now and then for the last fifteen years, but we ain't never seen each other in person. Now, I consider this guy a close friend, but I can't say how tings would be if we actually met and hung out together on a regular basis. Maybe we would get on each others nerves or whatever.

See what I'm getting at?

 

[Heretolearn]

Re: Correction ...

Originally posted by WestCoaster
... this is not a RELATIONSHIP. Everyone get that out of their heads ASAP. A relationship is where you see a person a few to several times a week, you converse face to face, you hold hands, you're intimate, etc. This is the furthest thing from a relationship.

It's a cyber-discussion, that is it, period.

Also, those issues of morality, abortion, etc., will be big down the road in a REAL RELATIONSHIP.

The bigger issues right now are:
1. Why does he have oneitis over a woman he's met once?

2. Why does he think meeting a woman one time constitutes a relationship?

3. Why does he think he can't find anyone better than her? I.E., why has he bought into the soul mate bullsh-t.

4. Why isn't he dating up a storm in Toronto?

5. Why is he willing to sacrifice freedom and singlehood in his 20's to settle down with a cyber-gal with two kids?

Those issues are WAY bigger than the abortion, mortality, political, etc., issues right now.

Without a strong inner game, those other issues mean zilch, zippo, nada.

The big picture is Mikeman's weak inner game.

bingo!

 

[Mikeman!]

Kandyass,

I realize what you're saying about this relationship being mainly based through the internet/phone and that things might be different when we spend time together. I wouldn't commit to moving permanently if through all the visits, things didn't work out the way we planned...

And I understand what you're saying about love..that has infact confused me. Because she has said she loves me countless times, I've heard it in her voice, I've seen it in her eyes and I've felt it through her touch, theres no doubt it's there... But it seems like recently she has tried to override those feelings with reasoning...with her thinking up reasons as to why it wouldn't work.

I still would want for this to work out, but I have no idea how hard-set she is in her thinking...and if she is at the point of no return, I'll have to move on...

 

[kandyass]

"Kandyass,

I realize what you're saying about this relationship being mainly based through the internet/phone and that things might be different when we spend time together. I wouldn't commit to moving permanently if through all the visits, things didn't work out the way we planned..."

I'm sorry Mikeman but I'm just not someone who could do an LDR...and I think I'm basically trying to say what Yendor said by quoting WestCoaster above.

"And I understand what you're saying about love..that has infact confused me. Because she has said she loves me countless times, I've heard it in her voice, I've seen it in her eyes and I've felt it through her touch, theres no doubt it's there... But it seems like recently she has tried to override those feelings with reasoning...with her thinking up reasons as to why it wouldn't work. "

Mikeman! ...if she loved you she would be trying to patch things up with you. If she loved you she would SHOW you, not just TALK about it. If she loved you, you shouldn't have to try and convince her she should love you. My man, once you reach that stage, its game over. Trust me, I've been there, too many times...

"I still would want for this to work out, but I have no idea how hard-set she is in her thinking...and if she is at the point of no return, I'll have to move on..."


Well, it sounds like its not up to you anymore.

I think you should move on.