Recently married - wife incredibly jealous of mum of my son.

[Elliot]

Hi All

I have recently married and before, during (yes, even on our wedding day) and after, ive had frequent outbursts of anger and jealousy. (-i Bet you want to f@@K her etc-

Recent examples - ex came around (has been my ex for nearly 8 years) to Pick up son - in the house 2 minutes - leaves. Wife asks.was she dressed sexy for you. Did you kiss her goodbye?.(she stayed in our bedroom)

i’ll state now that i have No interest im my ex and have never done or want to do anything with her sińce we spilt but we’re on Good, friendly terms. Another example - Christmas day - get a merry Christmas text and photo of my son. boom again - worst was yesterday - id męt my ex for coffee whilst my wife was in Manchester - she grabbed my phone and trawled through my Messages And shes now left the house. (Has done before) -your ex can now see you every day- I iknow she got Cheated on by her ex and partiially accept the behind my back comment - but this pattern has been going on for over a year.

what i haven’t been able to do is convert ths jealousy into passion. (get cold shoulder for 24 hours) My responses have calmed down over time and i now Just say No calmly, Just want you etc

how to i get past this continuous **** test and transition to passion?

 

[Manure Spherian]

Tell her you will not tolerate such mental abuse anymore. How’s that for a start?

 

[Solomon]

How old is she? this is the type of talk mate you should have had before you walked down the aisle
She clearly has insecurity about jealously issues, the only way to fix this is for her to seek therapy

 

[Desdinova]

So I went through your post history and found this thread. Let's see what it says...

My now ex-fiancé displayed unmerited jealousy on a strong scale -

She moved to the UK 2 Months ago (from Thailand) to be with me (due to get married next month - which I’ve now postponed/cancelled) within a week of arriving , accuses me of wanting me to sleep with the mother of my son

This is an old problem that existed before you married her. What you've done is rewarded her bad behavior with marriage, much like giving a treat to your dog for 5hitting on the carpet. Now that your dog is regularly 5hitting on the carpet, you're asking how to fix it.

GET RID OF THE DOG.

 

[Elliot]

So I went through your post history and found this thread. Let's see what it says...



This is an old problem that existed before you married her. What you've done is rewarded her bad behavior with marriage, much like giving a treat to your dog for 5hitting on the carpet. Now that your dog is regularly 5hitting on the carpet, you're asking how to fix it.

GET RID OF THE DOG.

Hi
We męt up and she said it was deep insecurity się felt in her Chest and couldn‚t control it snd Then tslked about something thst happened in a past life! - she did emotiobaliły apologise but its come back stronger - if the jealousy is about loss, she’s engineering a break up

 

[EyeBRollin]

This is partially your fault for not nipping this earlier. You need to show in front of your wife that there are clear boundaries between you and your ex.

-You should NOT meet your ex anywhere, let alone for coffee.

-You should not have your ex come by your marital house to pick up your son. Take him to her. Marital house is for you and your wife. No females aside from your sister, mother, daughter, grandmother, aunt, or nieces should be coming inside without your wife’s consent.

-the Christmas text with your sons photo was appropriate. Just reiterate that outside of your son, ex and you have nothing further to discuss.

Get it together or you will be in divorce court. Hope this helps.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

I'm with @Desdinova on this one. You knew what you were getting. You as the one with an ex wife and a son must manage both the interaction with your ex and the current wife, but you clearly have not established those boundaries.

If your wife keeps going nuts about this your life will be hell. My ex husband and I share 3 children, the older 2 are grown & the youngest lives with me a few states away from her father (so no weekly exchanges). Like you my ex spouse and I are on good terms. My ex husband is likely to relocate to the city where my husband & I live with my daughter while she finishes high school. My husband gets weird about this.

I'm like "Listen, we do not get a vote about what city he lives in, relax." He's adjusted more to the notion that my ex husband is the father, he's a loving father, and he married a woman with children. It can be a process (her insecurities aren't to do with you but they certainly affect you.) So you are going to have to put your foot down on her behavior instead of rewarding it.

Do not reward bad behavior!!!

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

Childless partners later in life can be hard to deal with; they do not understand parenthood. It's not like it's on purpose; they cannot comprehend what it is like to have a child, whether they are male or female.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Once again, an example of a man who had the woman show him who she was well in advance of marrying her but refused to believe her.

 

[The Duke]

You don't fix her. But you can fix YOU.

First step is to book her a one way flight back to Thailand, fill her suitcase with drugs and make sure she gets caught. ;-)

 

[manfrombelow]

Man, at the age 50, you should have done a much better job at screening chicks before marrying them. SMH. Really SMH.

 

[Elliot]

How old is she? this is the type of talk mate you should have had before you walked down the aisle
She clearly has insecurity about jealously issues, the only way to fix this is for her to seek therapy

38 - but in my mind i now see her as a little girl

Advice from the old lady:

I'm with @Desdinova on this one. You knew what you were getting. You as the one with an ex wife and a son must manage both the interaction with your ex and the current wife, but you clearly have not established those boundaries.

If your wife keeps going nuts about this your life will be hell. My ex husband and I share 3 children, the older 2 are grown & the youngest lives with me a few states away from her father (so no weekly exchanges). Like you my ex spouse and I are on good terms. My ex husband is likely to relocate to the city where my husband & I live with my daughter while she finishes high school. My husband gets weird about this.

I'm like "Listen, we do not get a vote about what city he lives in, relax." He's adjusted more to the notion that my ex husband is the father, he's a loving father, and he married a woman with children. It can be a process (her insecurities aren't to do with you but they certainly affect you.) So you are going to have to put your foot down on her behavior instead of rewarding it.

Do not reward bad behavior!!!

Update - she came back last night with not a lot of communication - I stated a few changes I will do around interactions with ex but also will not accept the accusations she makes. She’s gone to gym this morning and texting she’s not sure she can trust me, let’s give it a month. What next to own this?

 

[EyeOnThePrize]

38 - but in my mind i now see her as a little girl

Update - she came back last night with not a lot of communication - I stated a few changes I will do around interactions with ex but also will not accept the accusations she makes. She’s gone to gym this morning and texting she’s not sure she can trust me, let’s give it a month. What next to own this?

Simply don't cow to her. I get the comments of just getting rid of her, but there are certainly ways to manage this and correct the behavior, or at the very least hone some valuable skills.

If she gives you sass when your ex comes by, don't be afraid to get down to brass tacks, 'do you really think I would be living with you if I wanted her?' , 'are you really comparing yourself to her?', 'do you think I don't love you?', 'do you think you're not worth loving?'

In the heat of the moment her responses to these questions will likely make little to no sense, because if she were to answer them honestly it would become obvious that she's simply playing out an insecurity in a toxic way. Once she gives a sassier or nonsensical response, that's your cue to simply laugh/play it off and tease her for being so cute/jealous. Most importantly do not back down. It IS ridiculous for her to think acting like that will solve anything. So you WILL sass her back if she is not bringing up her worries in a calm and loving way.

Never yell or get upset, always keep your cool, but don't back down. You're with her, you love her and not your ex, and if she doesn't want to talk things out and work on a solution together then she can file for divorce and find a weak guy to emasculate, because you're certainly not going to cow to her. If she acts like a child and gets sassy then she'll be teased for it. If she brings up her worries in a calm and loving way, she'll be treated with respect and love. If she threatens divorce, then dare her to do it. You want her to be happy after all don't you? If that means leaving you then encourage that. If she really wants a guy with no backbone, encourage her to go find one.

This is how it is, these are the facts, these are her options. She needs to understand that you will not show the love she wants when she's sassy, only when she's sweet. Do not baby her when she throws a tantrum, she's an adult.

If she yells then tell her you can't take her seriously when she yells. If she continues then tease her about her yelling.

The vibe is to continuously check her bad behavior in an effortless way. If it gets to you then you lose, so it must never get to you.

Once a woman sees that the only way to move you is to talk with you calmly and sweetly, she will either do just that or leave. Be content with either outcome and you are golden.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Simply don't cow to her. I get the comments of just getting rid of her, but there are certainly ways to manage this and correct the behavior, or at the very least hone some valuable skills.

If she gives you sass when your ex comes by, don't be afraid to get down to brass tacks, 'do you really think I would be living with you if I wanted her?' , 'are you really comparing yourself to her?', 'do you think I don't love you?', 'do you think you're not worth loving?'

In the heat of the moment her responses to these questions will likely make little to no sense, because if she were to answer them honestly it would become obvious that she's simply playing out an insecurity in a toxic way. Once she gives a sassier or nonsensical response, that's your cue to simply laugh/play it off and tease her for being so cute/jealous. Most importantly do not back down. It IS ridiculous for her to think acting like that will solve anything. So you WILL sass her back if she is not bringing up her worries in a calm and loving way.

Never yell or get upset, always keep your cool, but don't back down. You're with her, you love her and not your ex, and if she doesn't want to talk things out and work on a solution together then she can file for divorce and find a weak guy to emasculate, because you're certainly not going to cow to her. If she acts like a child and gets sassy then she'll be teased for it. If she brings up her worries in a calm and loving way, she'll be treated with respect and love. If she threatens divorce, then dare her to do it. You want her to be happy after all don't you? If that means leaving you then encourage that. If she really wants a guy with no backbone, encourage her to go find one.

This is how it is, these are the facts, these are her options. She needs to understand that you will not show the love she wants when she's sassy, only when she's sweet. Do not baby her when she throws a tantrum, she's an adult.

If she yells then tell her you can't take her seriously when she yells. If she continues then tease her about her yelling.

The vibe is to continuously check her bad behavior in an effortless way. If it gets to you then you lose, so it must never get to you.

Once a woman sees that the only way to move you is to talk with you calmly and sweetly, she will either do just that or leave. Be content with either outcome and you are golden.

OP did a poor job screening and now is stuck in a bad situation. This isn't going to get better it will get worse.

This is why it's so important early on that when a woman(or anyone for that matter) shows or tells you who they actually are that you believe them. 90% of these situations could be avoided by men simply doing this properly.

 

[The Duke]

If she gives you sass when your ex comes by, don't be afraid to get down to brass tacks, 'do you really think I would be living with you if I wanted her?' , 'are you really comparing yourself to her?', 'do you think I don't love you?', 'do you think you're not worth loving?'

You are asking someone to be rational that has already proven she can't be by the conclusions she jumps to. How will that work? She needs professional help.

 

[EyeOnThePrize]

OP did a poor job screening and now is stuck in a bad situation. This isn't going to get better it will get worse.

This is why it's so important early on that when a woman(or anyone for that matter) shows or tells you who they actually are that you believe them. 90% of these situations could be avoided by men simply doing this properly.

It could get better, it could get worse, I would avoid such conclusive statements given so little information. If this is the worst of his problems with the woman then it's honestly peanuts compared to real problems like physical altercations.

His job is simply to polarize her into actually taking action. Either she conforms to a healthy communication style or gets teased into oblivion and eventually leaves. Her bluffs are called until she actually picks one of the two options being presented.

You are asking someone to be rational that has already proven she can't be by the conclusions she jumps to. How will that work? She needs professional help.

Everyone needs professional help. Women are emotional creatures and the hotter ones tend to get away with more outbursts. Just because their skills of self regulation are underdeveloped doesn't mean they are inherently unable to develop them.

A man of high caliber in this situation simply presents the options that will pull him closer or push him away and let's the chips fall where they may. I would argue your boundaries are more crude than mine, but to each his own.

Personally I wouldn't divorce someone or get rid of them for something so trivial if they have a lot of other redeeming qualities. I would find the jealousy cute and tease them about it. How flattering that my current lover wants me so bad that she is throwing a tantrum about something as benign as my sharing of a child with their biological mother.

Some of the men on here are insanely cutthroat with their approach to relationships, and I used to be one of them. But I've learned that keeping the really hot women involves some nuance and creativity to compensate for all the interactions she's had with spineless men in her past.

 

[The Duke]

It could get better, it could get worse, I would avoid such conclusive statements given so little information. If this is the worst of his problems with the woman then it's honestly peanuts compared to real problems like physical altercations.

His job is simply to polarize her into actually taking action. Either she conforms to a healthy communication style or gets teased into oblivion and eventually leaves. Her bluffs are called until she actually picks one of the two options being presented.



Everyone needs professional help. Women are emotional creatures and the hotter ones tend to get away with more outbursts. Just because their skills of self regulation are underdeveloped doesn't mean they are inherently unable to develop them.

A man of high caliber in this situation simply presents the options that will pull him closer or push him away and let's the chips fall where they may. I would argue your boundaries are more crude than mine, but to each his own.

Personally I wouldn't divorce someone or get rid of them for something so trivial if they have a lot of other redeeming qualities. I would find the jealousy cute and tease them about it. How flattering that my current lover wants me so bad that she is throwing a tantrum about something as benign as my sharing of a child with their biological mother.

Some of the men on here are insanely cutthroat with their approach to relationships, and I used to be one of them. But I've learned that keeping the really hot women involves some nuance and creativity to compensate for all the interactions she's had with spineless men in her past.

I don't see how you addressed my question. That's about what I thought. Lol

 

[EyeOnThePrize]

I don't see how you addressed my question. That's about what I thought. Lol

I did answer it. Having an emotional outburst is not the same as being incapable of all rational thought, and to equate the two is a big stretch. Women come to their senses eventually and reflect on their outbursts, just like men. The men worth their salt simply never have an outburst to begin with.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

It could get better, it could get worse, I would avoid such conclusive statements given so little information. If this is the worst of his problems with the woman then it's honestly peanuts compared to real problems like physical altercations.

His job is simply to polarize her into actually taking action. Either she conforms to a healthy communication style or gets teased into oblivion and eventually leaves. Her bluffs are called until she actually picks one of the two options being presented.



Everyone needs professional help. Women are emotional creatures and the hotter ones tend to get away with more outbursts. Just because their skills of self regulation are underdeveloped doesn't mean they are inherently unable to develop them.

A man of high caliber in this situation simply presents the options that will pull him closer or push him away and let's the chips fall where they may. I would argue your boundaries are more crude than mine, but to each his own.

Personally I wouldn't divorce someone or get rid of them for something so trivial if they have a lot of other redeeming qualities. I would find the jealousy cute and tease them about it. How flattering that my current lover wants me so bad that she is throwing a tantrum about something as benign as my sharing of a child with their biological mother.

Some of the men on here are insanely cutthroat with their approach to relationships, and I used to be one of them. But I've learned that keeping the really hot women involves some nuance and creativity to compensate for all the interactions she's had with spineless men in her past.

No it will not get better. She showed him who she is and instead of walking away early he on, he BELIEVED she would change...how has that worked out?

 

[EyeOnThePrize]

No it will not get better. She showed him who she is and instead of walking away early he on, he BELIEVED she would change...how has that worked out?

No doubt he's been enabling it, so I agree that it would absolutely be an uphill battle at this point, but not impossible. He simply lacks the skill.

I speak from experience when I say women change when checked properly and consistently. And again, we're not aware of all her other qualities. This seems like such a trivial event to me, I would have a field day with a woman that acted up this way.

Having the balls to leave is great, but I'm just not phased enough by something so silly. It's cute, and I enjoy teasing too much.